Yes I know these posts are all self involved, but it's still saying stuff I wouldn't otherwise tell people so therefore it counts as part of this blog. Deal with it bitches.
I've had a very unproductive week. Well, I earnt £200 on Monday night, but general productivity has been exceedingly low. I haven't been to uni all week, which isn't good and will be blogged about in the next post. Today I slept from 4am through to 3pm, got up, moved over to the computer at the otherside of the room, and sat there till 6pm, when i finally got dressed and went to make food, came back, sat here for another 6 hours, and about half midnight I finally went and had an hour long bath.
Mostly I've been sleeping, or lost in my own thoughts. I've been thinking about boys. All the boys I love, and primarily Terence and Chris of course, but kinda more about the issues and problems of me being in love with other boys as a general concept, and what it means, and what it requires of Chris, and why I go through it all.
So many of the people I've spoken to in the past week, Chris included, have been oddly forgiving and accepting of the fact that I fell for another boy, or rather a third boy. I kinda get this, but not in the context of the fact I'm supposed to be in an emotionally monogamous relationship. As everyone seems to say, you can't help who you love, and if you can love more than one person in the world, you're luckier than you can ever know, and yes, that's all true. But I'm not supposed to love other people, and all of them have been people I've fallen for in a moment; there was no slow gradual development which might have served as fair warning, which I might have acted (or rather, not acted) upon; simply the case each time where we've looked at each other and realised in a certain moment, everything at once, and also realised just how big a problem that is.
And somehow each time, Chris is forgiving of me, I mean sure, everyone makes mistakes, and deserves a second chance, I'm all for that, but fourth chances? And what gets me most is a point I made at the end of my last post, where will I be in 5 years, seemingly in love somehow, but with just how many people, and who will I actually be with. Given that all of them at once isn't an option, I hope Chris, but going on my current track record, I could be in love with 8 different guys by then, and is that really something he should put up with, or that I could put up with by that point?
Being in love is great, it's one of the things that makes me stop and marvel at the universe, the highs and depths it drives people to, the ambition and drive it gives them, the goals they realize and the compromises they make, all so they can be with that one single person. I'm not sure if it's glorious, pathetic, desperate or inspiring (chiasmus anyone?), or everything all at once. And being in love with more than one person, to get those feelings twice, or four times over, fills you in ways you can't begin to describe, anymore than you could describe the way being in love once completes you. But it also exposes you that much more, it forces you to face permenant unrequited love (unless of course, you're lucky/crazy enough to have a polyamorous relationship), or not quite unrequited, but unfulfilled, which is worse. It's not a case of you pining away for someone, you're pining for someone who wants you just as badly, who would be with you just as readily, but for whatever reasons, it's simply not an option. And that makes it all the harder. I've gone into this before in regards to Jack. You want to be with someone, but just cause you want to be with them doesn't mean you want to be with whoever else you love any less, and so you choose either one, or none, but whatever your choice, that doesn't make it any easier to bear being apart from the ones you're not with.
In a rather egotistical manner, what gets me most about the guys who love me, is that they love me for who I am, with all my faults, my errors, my flaws, my criticisms and my failings. ANd sure, that's what you hope to find in the person who loves you, and I'm certainly glad Chris does. What I don't get is how the other 3, who I fell for in a moment, managed to overlook all of those in that same moment. None of them expect me to be a better person, and not only do they love me in spite of my flaws, they love me for my flaws. For all the things that make me so unusual and different and unashamed compared to most people in the world. They couldn't love me but wish I was a little more this, or did that less. They love me exactly the way I am, for all the things that make me me; for better, for worse, in sickness, and in health. And despite what I project on an everyday basis, as a person with frighteningly low self esteem, I just don't get this. Because despite however much I try to be individual and unique and special, I'm convinved you wouldn't notice me in the crowd, let alone me be the only person you see.
What annoys me most about all this is the knock on feelings it brings up. I'm always going to wonder, 'what if' and yes there are a plethora of circumstances in each case that stop us from being together, not just one thing, but there's still a big what if, 3 of them now, and god help me if there's more to come. It makes me unsure of myself. I used to know for a fact all the reasons I love Chris, and why I was with him rather than Jack, and why I would always choose him. And each time this happens it gets that little bit harder. It makes me question myself, and go, "if i'm falling for all these other guys, am I really that certain of what I want?" I know I still love Chris. I know I still want to be with Chris. And I know Chris loves me. These aren't established facts through experience, these are intuitive, unspoken things that I never need to argue with, just as surely as I've always known I'm a city boy. But everytime this happens I find myself thinking, but you've never tried anything else, you can't know unreservedly. Many times, not just for this kind of issue, a part of me has wished I'd met Chris later in life, or that we could take a break for a while, but both of those options would change us irrevocably as people, and things wouldn't progress the way they otherwise would. If the very observation of an act changes it, acting differently, or changing the conditions at the start or halfway through can't help but give you a completely different end result.
It's odd that whilst I love all 4 guys for different reasons and in different ways, the other 3 are more similar; they're all dark and twisted boys, they're all broken inside, a love would them would burn intensely, almost too quickly, and I can't promise that it would last, and certainly we'd both end up worse for wear through it all, and likely even more damaged in a variety of ways; physically, emotionally, psychologically, you name it. But it would be glorious, unavoidable, enviable and blinding. Chris on the other hand, is something completely different. Don't get me wrong, I burn for him incredibly strongly still, and I would do so many things for him, probably not the things he'd prefer, but the big ones, the dying for, the taking pain for, the room 101 for, bring forth an unending torment and vengance against anyone who caused him harm, but it's a calmer flame. It doesn't burn so erratically, it doesn't eat through all its fuel, and that's kinda nice in a way. Chris is the only one who motivates me to be a better person, to want for things I would never otherwise desire, to want the picket fence and 2 car garage, to pay off the credit card bills and get a mortgage, and spend our weekends reading the sunday papers in bed, Nobody else inspires this in me, and the pure fact that he drives me to do that to myself is testament to how much I want him, and want to be his. In some ways Chris is the 'safe' option, but he's also the harder one, the less obvious one, the underdog, the road less travelled, and as everyone knows, that makes all the difference.
My playlist today has been suitably self involved, and given the thoughts currently running through my head, about all the guys I love, I couldn't help but take particular notice of the following:
I miss your warm skin beside me at night, and I miss your flesh in its own right...
Everytime I see your face my heart takes off on a high speed chase...
Don't be scared; it's only love that we're fallin' in.
So when I see you next we'll make the most of it...
The taste of your kiss I still got on my lips.
And finally of course:
How can I stand here with you, and not be moved by this? Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And yes, it may be sappy and cloying, but sometimes that says it best:
Mood: Wishing I was like Sabrina and could split myself into 4
Music: The first major part is made of Lifehouse's new Smoke and Mirrors album, which has just been released. Later on I switched to my musicals playlist.