No longer as truthful as should be deserved, some names, places and events deliberately vague to protect identities that aren't mine

Friday, 12 March 2010

Not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful and useless in times like these...

In the aim of being honest, here is a list of the things I keep getting stuck in my head and wondering about at the moment.  However in the aim of my previous post, I'll try and keep my musings on each point down to a simple paragraph so as to avoid acting constantly emo.  Stay tuned.  Two-non depression related posts coming up soon after!

  • Uni - Currently not sure I should be doing what I'm doing.  I'm good at it, very good in fact.  But I don't think I want to be where it'll lead me in 5, 10 years. And it's too expensive to pointlessly pursue, so would make sense to drop out in that case.  But I have no idea what I'd ultimately like to do anymore.  At least none that I in any way want to do, and am actually capable of doing.  As a result, findning and maintaining the motivation to turn up to uni each day is exceedingly difficult, and I need to turn up in order to get a 1st, so I can say I dropped out for reasons other than I was shit at it.

  • Parents - In relation to the above, I went through hell with my parents after I decided to not go to PwC and study a second degree instead.  Dropping out would make life interesting.  I might elect for estrangement; it's simpler.  And to make things worse my mum told me how "since I was doing so well it my course it made all the arguments with my dad over my decision worth it" on the phone the other day.  Like being an A grade student who then doesn't have the concession of getting a C (except in PE of course), if you're someone who's always known what they want to do and how to get there, people don't like to accept your making decisions on the basis of no fucking clue any more.

  • Summer - I want to run away, very much so.  I would like to travel.  I miss travelling.  I would like to go somewhere with Chris.  To go to the middle of nowhere and stay in the hotel room for a week, and forget the fact that life exists.  I would like to go to the US.  I miss the US terribly.  I miss California and San Diego.  It's my second home and has been for the past 4 years.  Not going last year felt like I'd lost a part of myself.  I want to travel round all my friends in the US.  I want to backpack.  I want to travel alone.  I want to run from everything, including Chris.  And take a vacation from myself for a very long period of time.  I can't do all of these at once.  Or even one after the other.  Money, time, and emotional backlashes prevent me from doing so.

  • Chris - Mostly in relation to the following two points.  I love Chris.  He's wierd and different to any of the other boys I like.  He doesn't understand things.  He forgives me for a million and one things every day.  He gives me more credit that I ever deserve or think him capable of.  He always lets me have the last bit of anything.  He makes me think about things differently, and forces me to approach the world in a different manner.  He makes me considerate, he inspires me to goals and dreams I would never have without him.  He drives me insane. He infuriates me.  He makes me feel crap about myself.  He shows the endless irreconcilable differences between us in his very manner.  He's mine.  I'm his.  I love him.

  • Terence - I love him too.  I want him.  I miss him.  I could jump on a plane to Boston every second of every day at the moment.  This boy is amazing.  He's dark, and twisted, and crazy about me and talented as hell.  He has a boyfriend; he has a fiance.  He lives 4,500 miles away.  We're separated by an Ocean and plane tickets costing several hundred pounds minimum.  I shouldn't love him.  I shouldn't talk to him.  I shouldn't see him again.  I can't control myself around the boy.  I'd do anything to see him and hold him for 20 minutes more.

  • Jack - Mostly a derivative of the above 2 thought streams.  I love jack aswell.  Jack is closer.  Jack is hard to get hold of.  Jack is a bastard.  Jack is in the middle of nowhere.  Jack is only £50 away.  I haven't seen Jack in 18 months.  Jack is crazy, and broken, and makes me cry almost everytime I see him I love him so much.  Jack understands my craziness.  Jack makes me want things even Chris couldn't drive me to.  Jack is someone I plan to see before the end of it all.  And after.

  • Boyfriend/Relationship - Relationships and depression do not go together.  It's hard for the person stuck observing it, being unable to do much, and watching the person they love retreat from them.  It's hard for the person feeling like hell, and trying to maintain the relationship at the sametime, and then feeling worse for making the relationship so hard.  I could do with a break from the whole having a boyfriend deal at the moment.  It'd help me in someways.  But the consequences would be worse.  Things would never be the same, and potentially I could lose the guy I love.  He's my high school sweetheart; with all of the romanticiism and drawbacks that implies.  And recently I've been doubting myself and the relationship far too much.

  • Next Year - By which I mean academic year.  I have to live with the boyfriend.  This scares me to the point I could virtually break up.  For someone with commitment issues Chris has oddly never been a problem in that regard.  Now 5 years of it is hitting me at once.  I want to live with Chris.  I've waited 5 damned years to do so.  I've dealt with being 2 hours away from my boyfriend and only seeing him at weekends, somehow.  And the thought of being in a confined space with him 7 days a week gives me that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that could almost be nausea.

So basically, I have no clue what I want, in any aspect of my life at all.  And I have nowhere to start to sort it out without causing a multitudeof problems in other aspects of my life as a consequence.  Motivation, for life in general, is proving difficult.  And that's not a good thing when there's a 10g bag of mephedrone sitting on your desk... (it's for a friend, seriously!)

No comments:

Post a Comment