No longer as truthful as should be deserved, some names, places and events deliberately vague to protect identities that aren't mine

Wednesday, 24 March 2010

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

Yes I know I have the remaining raw food days to cover, as well as my fun post on health care reform passing to do.  But tonight has been rather more messed up, so its being blogged about first.

So things with me and Chris got pretty fucked tonight.  A perfectly pleasant normal conversation took a nosedive, as they are warrant to in conversations with me and Chris, and for some reason this is near guaranteed if, as I did today, I ring him twice in one day, which really doesn't allay my paranoia on the whole living with him thing next year.

10 odd months of depression is really showing its toll on the relationship, where it got the the point where Chris was the one to ask the "do you need a break from us?" question, which sure had been going through my head a fair amount, but I'd never given voice to it, and I always assumed Chris would never say that, in part because he's more secure with us, and in part because he's in some ways more terrified of losing 'us' than I am, so the fact things have got to the point where he's actually asking that question shows, at least to me if not you guys, just how dire things are.

And yes, part of me could do with a break, I said in a previous post being a depressive and being in a relationship does not work well together.  Hell most depressives I know have broken up due to it being a major contributing factor.  So yeah, in some ways a break would be great, and a part of me needs it, and wants it.  But a part of me doesn't want it, cause a part of me really really wants Chris.  There's a reason I'm in love with 3 guys and stay with him; there's a reason I wear his ring round my finger 24 hours a day, 7 days a week; there's a reason I, with all my disbelief in them, put up with the 2 hour trip that it takes to see each other, the only seeing each other at weekends, the not seeing each other for a month at a time due to exam placement or other issues.  And another part of me (cause there are always 3 halves in every whole, anyone who knows that reference can have instant win points,) knows that breaks simply don't work.  The idea is that you press pause on your relationship, but even with the strongest connection, the best intentions, you don't come back as the same people you were, or even the same people you would be if you'd have been (passive future perfect subjunctive anyone?) still in the relationship for the duration of the break.   You change, you have different experiences and live life differently than you otherwise would have.  And of course there's always the risk that one of you meets someone, and when you're on a break, what are the rules on that kind of thing.  Any kid of 90s TV knows this story far far far too well.  Hell even House agrees they were on a break.  And let's face it: considering I'm already in love with 2 other boys I'm hardly the poster boy for maintaining faith DURING a relationship, let alone in that whole break grey area.  In my experience, breaks don't tend to work, you either drift too far apart to come back together, or you try, but you're so changed you're not the same people, and it fails another 6 months down the line.

And besides which, what are we gonna do, take a break everytime I get long term depressive episodes?  Just like Chris is gonna forgive me when I'm in love with 10 different people years down the line?  And we've been damned lucky it's the first major episode in 5 years, there's been other ones sure, but none longer than 3 months and that's manageable.  But what about when the 2 year period hits when I switch back to some fairly rapid cylcing, going up and down in 2 month stints.  Are we gonna stick it out?  Are we gonna have a 2 year break?  Are we gonna break up every 2 months?  Even if we're living together?

And it's hardly the best time to 'take a break', the stress of exams and finals and possibly moving in together and such things.  DO either of us want to be pining, crying, etc over each other during that period.  Are we gonna see each other, talk to each other every night like we do at the moment, or every week?  Cold turkey is possibly unrealstic, but anything less is possibly not actual letting the break do what it's supposed to do.

Neither of us know what's gonna happen.  Some days things are better, but generally they're not really improving.  If anything they're getting very very slowly worse.  A long creeping death that consumes and drags you down, something like the edge of an event horizon I imagine..  Which means if things continue and their non-rate, within a few months, if not sooner, we'll probably have broken up.  And neither of us want that.  Again, there's a reason I'm with Chris and continue to try to be with him.  There's a reason why in all this depression, I still ring him every single night, and why I hope I get a goodnight text.  But at the moment it's proving virtually unachievable for us to get anywhere beyond where we are, which doesn't bode well.  I'm just glad there's no suspension bridges nearby at the moment....

And now Placebo is playing, just great.

I don't know what's gonna happen, but Chris is fed up, I'm too pessimistic and self-depricating at the momment to do anything other than go "I'm shit, it's my fault, he really *shouldn't* be with me it'd make his life easier", and evenings like this one suggest things are possibly irreconcilably fucked.

In other news, there's a very hot dom guy I've been talking to for the last week or so, with plans to meet next week.  We seem to get on very well, but every so often we hit big stumbling blocks.  Todays was camming.  I really hate camming.  I have a camera, and its nice to talk to people with it, but I really hate the point of cameras, which is sex stuff.  I hate doing anything sexual on camera, even just stripping.  It's one of the reasons I could never earn money out of cam shows.  I'm just too damned self conscious about the whole thing.  I feel like a fucking idiot.  I get nothing out of it and aside from not enjoying it, I spend the whole time feeling very very uncomfortable.  Every so often, as I did tonight, I retry this, to see if I can get over it, and no was the answer tonight.  So as that's about the 3rd stumbling block on some big things that me and this guy have hit, I dunno if we'll be meeting now. 

In other other news, I have work next week.  A day and a half earning £700.  The reason it pays so much is its some pretty hardcore kink stuff.  Their kidnap scenes are only staged insomuch as everyone consents and there's condoms involved.  Aside from that, the pain, rough abuse, and aggression is all very real.  I don't know what my scenes are yet, and it's gonna hurt like hell, but it's gonna be damned fun, and so worth it on many levels.  Then the question is what to do with the earnings.  Half is to refill some of my loan expenditure.  The other half.... I could buy an Xbox with FFXIII for £250, buy a violet wand for me and Chris for about £300 - 350, buy 2 flights and a week in a hostel for me and Chris in Europe, or buy a flight for 5 weeks to the US for me.  I'm not decided on which yet.  I know which I should buy.  I know which I want to buy.  What I will buy, hmmmm.....

Mood: Oh I just don't know anymore


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