No longer as truthful as should be deserved, some names, places and events deliberately vague to protect identities that aren't mine

Wednesday, 26 May 2010

All of the feelings unspoken

"Smile though your heart is aching 
Smile even though it's breaking 
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by 
If you smile through your fear and sorrow 
Smile and maybe tomorrow 
You'll see the sun come shining through for you 

Light up your face with gladness 
Hide every trace of sadness 
Although a tear may be ever so near 
That's the time you must keep on trying 
Smile, what's the use of crying? 
You'll find that life is still worthwhile 
If you just smile"

Today was one of the hardest I've ever had in my life.  I'd forgotten how bad the feeling of irreconcilable loss could be.  Mostly cause despite the various things that have happened in my life, I've only truly suffered it once in the past 10 years.  One was the Sam issue, which fucked me up for 2 years, the other was failing my JAA Class 1 last year, the fallout of which is still occuring.  These are also the only 2 things I've really cried over in the past 10 years.  Excepting Dawson's Creek, Titanic, and Chris that is.  Chris occasionally makes me cry, but that's relationship upset, not genuine loss or grief.  These things have made me cry more than once sure, but its all stemmed back to one of those two causes.  I tell you this to impress upon you the point, as if I hadn't enough in previous posts, that I do not cry easily, quickly, readily or simply.  I have to experience a complete loss of control over myself for it to happen, and being the sort of person I am, the severity of a cause needed to overcome the control I can muster is exceptional indeed.

Today was one of those days.  I watched one of my best friends, a guy I love (n.b.  no, not another one I'm in love with, just one I love, dearly, call it an exceptional fondness it that makes it easier to comprehend what he means to me), who's incredibly special to me, walked out of my life.  Quite possibly forever.  And whilst he didn't do this out of choice - his visa was due to expire - and whilst he intends to return, there are possibilities that he might not.  Family situations are complicated at home, coming back is exceedingly costly and complicated procedure, immigration systems worldwide are designed to keep people out, rather than flooding both affluent, or resource starved countries.  And on top of this, being one of my friends, there's always the considerable risk of suicide.  Not to mention freak acts of god(s) or natural occurances leading to death or some form of incapacitation.  And whilst the boy has promised to ring me before he jumps off the chair with the rope around his neck, so I can at least tell him he's awesome and I'll miss him, I don't like the idea that I may, for a multitude of reasons, have seen him for the last time ever tonight, and certainly for the last time in quite a while.

And I was doing really really well at being the friend with the brave face.  I was doing it for 4 of us.  I was smiling, and joking, and insulting him in a friendly manner, and forcing my words out through the lump in my throat, because no words needed to be said.  Because I have always had Joel's empath ability with Ryan; he doesn't need to tell, or even hint at a thing, because I already know what he's feeling.  The best compliment I ever recieved off Ryan, was a simple "thank you" (actually, it was "thanks heaps"), because it said so much.  Ryan's worse than me for hiding his emotions and being uncomfortable with people discovering the real him.  Imagine me, raised to the power of me multiplied by me cubed.  That's pretty much Ryan's level.  So the empathness is great.  We appear awkward with each other, but it's because we just don't need to say much to each other; we know and understand everything that's unsaid between each other without even acknowledging its existence in the first place.  On the rare occasion we do express some form of emotional attachment towards each other its quiet, subdued, barely audible, and very awkward.  Like 2 straight men admitting they love each other in a completely macho way.  I spent Monday evening with him, and about the most we managed to say to each other with any seriousness about his impending departure was very quickly glossed over "I'll miss you" from the both of us.  At the airport today, I even managed the goodbye hug without breaking down.  Sure, I wasn't saying much because if I opened my mouth I would have started crying, and I held him as much as I could -  Ryan gives the best hugs of anyone I know, except possibly Jme - but I managed a weak smile and stayed the strong supportive type against Ryan and Zac (the other one had left us by this point) who were both quivering messes.  Ryan waited till the last minute, and then went off into the cordoned security area.  But came back for that one last hug across the barrier just before he turned that final corner that would take him out of view, and out of our lives, for the foreseeable future...

And at that point I lost control.  Like I say, I'd forgotten how bad the feeling of genuine grief is.  Because whilst no, he's not dead, it is nonetheless a genuine loss, and promotes genuine grief.  And I hate crying, because it never achieves anything, especially given I only cry over the inevitable, and I hate what it symbolizes in me.  The amount of control that has been completely overwhelmed in order to turn me into a sobbing emotional wreck that I can't reassert any decorum over until its done, no matter when or where I am, no matter who's around me.  When you're the quintessential publicly emotionless male, this is a lot.  The opening scene from love actually was pretty much permanently in my head (and incidentally I do agree with it - you can find the greatest of emotion at the airport, love, relief, regret, grief, fear, anger, sorrow, its all there in its most beautiful and raw form).  I watched him leave, completely at the mercy and whim of the tears streaming down my face, the emotion welling up inside me and overflowing out of me in every form possible that didn't involve soiling myself.  

And whilst I'm annoyed at myself for it all, at the same time I guess it's good.  That he was able to see that he meant that much to me, that when it came down to it, my body didn't give me a choice over expressing my emotions towards him, it forced them out of me against my will and showed him all the things we'd never said to each other, as we stood, 50 ft apart, looking at each other, physically and mentally traumatized by the loss of the only person who could possibly ever understand a part of us.

The universe had a cruel sense of ironic humour when it decided the first song on my music player after leaving him would be 'Smile'.  Next magical project I'm working on is a permanent shield for my mp3.  The universe delights far too much in fucking around with the shuffle feature on that according to my mood.  I'm beginning to feel a little like Anton from Night/Day/Twilight/Last Watch.

Come back to us soon Ryan.
Come back to me.

Mood: Emotional wreck, more bouts of crying likely over next week or two.

Music: Some VNV on my phone, notably Beloved.  None of the VNV on Spotify, hence on phone, and no link.

Monday, 24 May 2010

The natural frequency

My flatmate's friend found my blog.  Randomly it appears.  And she read it, and then drunkenly informed me the other night that whilst, in some of it, I do come across as psychotic, which is understandable really; it's me, that a lot of what I said made sense and it was reassuring to read someone else being like that.  She told me how great it was that I'm so honest with what I write on here.  I confessed that I've often thought about deleting things here, or re-editing them, or clarifying them, but that would defeat the point of the blog.  I'm trying to write the things I don't have the confidence to tell people, the little white lies, and darker, that just make life simpler.

One post that does seem to have resonated with a lot of you, is my post about lying.  I've had a surprising/worrying amount of you messaging me, talking to me, IMing me, whatever, saying how you related to it.  Most especially the point about not being able to tell the difference between your truths, and the lies you've convinved yourself are true.  Maybe this says more about the kind of people I have in my life, that the generality of my psychotic musings...

In the spirit of truth however, I am compelled to write, that my flatnate's friend naturally told my flatmate about my blog.  This being the flatmate I bitch about in a previous post.  And drunkenly she ended up tlaking to me about it.  I fairly honestly, explained that it was largely a week where a character trait of hers was particuarly pissing me off, and normally it doesn't and I do it too, but sometimes things just piss you off about people.  And whilst she drunkely blew it off, the fact she kept mentioning it gives me the impression that it really bothered her.  She's a lot more fragile than she'd like anyone to think, or me to acknowledge on this blog, which she will now inevitably read, but I think what I said got to her in that paranoid was that eats at you.  I don't particuarly feel bad about this, not to say I'm glad about it either, but it was just an interesting observation.

Finally, I have, for the first time, posted more blog posts than there are days in the month.  And there's still a week to go, whoo!

No pain; no gain.

Buffy sums up this blog post, so just read this if you want to skip my musings:

"Here's the thing. There's moments in your life that make you. That set the course of who you're going to be. Sometimes they're little, subtle moments. Sometimes... they're not. I'll show you what I mean.

In the end, you're always by yourself. You're all you got -- That's the point.

Bottom line is, even if you see them coming, you're not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So what are we, helpless? Puppets? No. The big moments are going to come. You can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are. You'll see what I mean."

So yeah big moments.  Relationships, crisis points, deaths, births, moves, jobs, traumas, hurts, heartbreaks: they come, we all face them, it's called life.  I try to live my life with no regrets, currently there's only one thing I regret, and even still I'm not sure I'd have chosen differently given a second chance - I'll blog about this soonish.  Despite all the badness in a life, all the hurts, all the pain, all the things that fucked you up as a child, all the medcial issues so many of my friends have had, all the lost loves, the ones who died, the friends who killed themselves, the heartbreak of the relationships that didn't work out, the fights with the parents, the loss of best friends, all these things, they make you who you are.  You grow stronger from them, you learn lessons, lessons which you have to learn 10 more times over before you understand them, they feed into you and form the person you've come to be.  They've led you to the life you've led,  Each bad occurance, each time you become a victim of circumstance, each trial you have to endure, every wrong decision, have all led you just as equally, to the right ones you've made, and have yet to make, in your life.  People talk about how they wish x hadn't happened, or that they'd done y differently, or their childhood had been different, even I do, and I'm not denying that some people have had truly awful and pitiable lives, nor am I denying that there haven't been pains I've wanted to suffer on behalf of friends, so they didn't have to feel them.  But i think its stupid to realistically want to give up these bad parts of you.  You might as well give up the good parts of you.  A million and one different things would have changed because you turned left instead of right. 

You might argue, but they didn't make me stronger, I'm now shy and socially awkward, but maybe, one day, you'll meet a guy, or girl, who's attracted to you because you're not working your way round the room, because you like to read, because you'd rather sit in the corner and ignore the world that down another shot, so take it as it comes.

The bad moments will happen, I can't help that I'm afraid.  So embrace them.  Hate them.  Cry about them.  Attack them.  Drink them into oblivion.  Lose yourself in them.  Or not.  Ignore them.  Be positive.  Always look to the future.  See the silver lining.  Whatever works.  There is no wrong response.  Even those that end in jail.  I'm not saying people have a destiny.  I'm saying take something from the big moments, a lesson, a feeling, a new band that an ex introduced you to, whatever it is.  But learn to accept them as part of you.  All those bad things gave you the good memories you have.  You have your childhood best friend precisely because of all the shit you suffered.  You had that great day out precisely because you went out with that cheating insensitive bastard.  You ended up travelling like others only dream about precisely because you were broke and homeless and ended up hitchhiking to escape yoru life. 

"From such small things, from such critical points, the universe and its masses may be moved..."

P.S.  Nathan has just informed me that if you now google 'osmosifying' my blog is in the search results.  It's my way of giving back to the world, little by little.

What does a scanner see...?

I can see past your lies, your deceptions, your attempts at covering up just how nervous you feel, that fake laughter whilst you slag me off in your head, that trying-to-be-cool demeanour so I'll be interested in you.  Most of it anyway.

In the past, say... 3 years I've gotten really rather good at reading people.  And I never used to be.  I still fuck up, and I'll miss all the obvious stuff, and if you're my boyfriend, then I miss all the non obvious stuff too - sorry, blind spot so to speak - I'm not good with reading facial expressions, but I have developed the ability to read body language, to pick up on habits people have, to notice behavioural patterns, to take note of what they say, rather that necessarily how they're saying it.  For this ability I largely blame/thank Joel and Lisa.

I think it all started with Classics Play '08 (I say it like that to make it sound cool, and not just a geekfest for those who want to make themselves feel important and feed their need for attention and power).  Lisa was directing Agamemnon, and I was PMing.  But also sort of asst. directing, and half producing, as she was running every idea past me 3 months before it ever actually got announced to the rest of the production team due to the nature of our friendship.  Luckily, this worked out quite well, and we're theatrical producing duo that can actually stay friends through working together, which is INCREDIBLY rare in my experience.  It's like living with people you were in halls with; all too often, it goes horribly wrong where it seemed such a good idea way back in September.  Anyway, back to the point - Lisa is a very observant person.  She's totally make a good bene gesserit in geekworld.  She picks up on things that people wouldn't even realise they give away about themselves.  Stance, posture, patterns of speech, how they change according to the situation they're in.  And somehow, I absorbed all this, and started doing it subconsciously to other people in my life, though of course, nowhere near as well as she does.  And then I did the play this year again, and I got round 2 of that whole learning experience, and by just seeing how she is with people, I realised just how little I still know about this

This taught me a lot about body language and speech mannerisms.  It's actually quite astounding how much people give away through this.  I mean sure, everyone gives stuff away through it, but its astounding that even people who are actively trying to cover these things up still reveal so much.  You'd need some serious psychological training and a strong conscious override of your subconcious to make things undetectable.  But even then, I've had no 'training' and have manged to pick up the tricks to read people with, someone who was trained to do it might notice even then.

And then I met Joel, and he's an empath, and we got an instant subconscious connection,  and he reads me better than anyone else in the world, much to my usual annoyance when he manages to get straight to the point of what I'm actually feeling even when I'm stressing about something completely different.  And I can do it back to him, which equally, irritates him.  It's incredibly useful at times, and works on a completely bizzare level which most of you will find odd.  It is actual mindreading more or less.  We can sense feelings, thoughts, see images and memories and do a whole 'The Shining' deal with not needing to talk or even be in the same room to communicate with each other.  ANd from Joel, I've picked up paying attention to what people say, not the mannerisms and quirks and idiosyncracies in how they talk, but their phrasing; how they answer questions, how they avoid leading you down certain routes by their choice of vocabulary; how they do it all without the use of stress, so that you won't notice.  And strangely, since having this link with Joel, I seem to have picked up a little bit of his empathness, or I channel it; either's possible with me and Joel., but regardless, I have a better emapth ability.  And I was a fairly empathetic person to begin with.  But I'm not a lot better at just 'sensing' when something's wrong, and analyzing the situation without consciously thinking about it, recognising when certain tactics aren't working, and knowing what the right questions to ask are.

It's both a blessing and a curse, as Joel will know all too well.  This ability to read people is great, noticing these different unintentioned aspects of people can get me so many places with them, and I don't mean that in a manipulative way... largely, but it has its drawbacks, it takes some of the thrill of guessing out, it makes certain situations that much harder to bear when you're trying to talk to someone in distress, and you're the one trying not to cry, because you can feel how badly they want to.  And its a bit like the witchblade: its an ability that abandons you when you most need it, its hard to turn inwardly, its hard to turn on those closest to you, both out of a sense of respect for personal privacy, and some form of blind spot that just seems to occur on those kind of matters.  But largely, its very useful, and I'm glad I've picked this ability up so much in the last few years.


I learn a lot through osmosifying things. I'm rarely aware of *how* I learn certain tricks, techniques, pieces of information, and Chris will often ask me how I know something obscure; it's not that I've forgotten where I learnt it, I honestly can't imagine any situation where I would have learnt it, and neither can Chris, which is why he's asking in the first place. It's like children learning to walk, or talk, or interact with their environment as a baby. You just sort of pick things up. And it doesn't need to happen more than once; everyone knows you only need to say a swear word around a 4 year old and they'll be screaming it aloud all day long, even though you said it completely inconspicuously. But I learn a lot this way. I learn very well practically too; my revision technique is simply to write the information out a few times, its not the rereading it, or even the thinking about it, the simple process of writing it out 2-4 times works it into my head perfectly. I don't like to read instruction manuals; I can pick up new pieces of software, or new game controls very quickly, because I find what works. It took me about 3-4 years to work out where things are in Chris' parents' kitchen, simply because every time he asked me what I was looking for, rather than letting me open and close all the cupboards and drawers whereupon I would have learnt the entire layout in a few visits; I've mostly got there now, but even still I'm not 100% certain.

You know that whole concept of the minutiae of observation in the Dune universe for the Bene Gesserit.  I'm fully of the opinion that can be real.  Not the magic wierding voice level of it, but I really do believe there is so much we can/could learn, if only we knew how to look for the signs.  It's all a matter of training, and conscious awareness, and then transferring that conscious awareness into a subconscious reaction.  It's just an extension of survival techniques really.  Example: I sleep very heavily, people have clogdanced outside my room (I shit you not), we've had firemen all over the house drinking cups of tea after the house next door almost burnt down, with sirens blaring still, and lights flashing, and I've slept through all of it.  But the second someone opens my bedroom door, or even just sets foot inside the boundary of my room if I've left the door open, I wake up.  Chris can be in the room whilst I'm sleeping and playing music or shooting things in games and wandering round and I'll be fine and undisturbed, but every time he goes to the bathroom, or to get a drink, I'll wake up, just slightly; enough for me to assess any threat and either get a jolt of adrenaline, or fall back to sleep if all is fine.  Every.  Single.  Time.  And it seems to me that this is a survival technique, inbuilt through evolution, or designed by god if you prefer, but its based on arbitrary boundary.  A rocket can kill me in my sleep, you attempting to creep into my room, even making no noise, will not, or at least, not in my sleep, I'll be awake and expecting you.  My body picks up on the slight noise, the change in air currents in the room, the slight shift in temperature as air starts to mix with the hallway; the minutiae of observation is there, it's instinct, it's designed to keep you alive.  We just need to become aware of it, and make it a heightened awareness.

In fairness, I'm a big proponent of mind-over-matter theories.  Stories of people trapped overriding their own bodies natural processes - cutting off limbs, eating through things; stories of incurable medical problems disappearing with no explanation, they fascinate me.  Sure I know its not a frequent occurrence, and the evidence is debatable, but I believe there is enough evidence that it must be true to a decent extent, an extent worth investigating.  Facing what it perceives to be a threatening situation, the brain initiates a chemical response in the body that increases your strength exponentially.  In order to avoid emotional pain the brain will preferentially endure physical pain instead.  And what the brain percieves to be a threatening situation can be very very interesting; consider that simply waking up late for work can initiate a flight-or-flight response in order to make you awaken that much quicker and get out the door running to the bus; this is modern day survival perhaps, but not evolutionary.  Given an emotional or physical pain of an excessive quantity, the brain will simply turn off its reaction to it for a time.  To the extreme of comatose in some cases.  The mind is truly a powerful thing, and we don't understand so much of it.  Trying to understand that an electrical impulse can promote a chemical reaction that is an emotion I call love, or fear, or doubt, or anticipation, or whatever makes the entire universe discombobulate in my head and its not pleasant.  But I love the fact that with a hell of a lot of willpower, you can do so much, you can overcome instinct and natural impulse, you can throw yourself into a burning building to rescue a complete stranger, you can throw yourself to your death, you can push yourself to run that last mile.  Psychological therapy can fix childhood traumas or provide relief from mental problems themselves.  I met a therapist the other week, and he was explaining this fascinating technique of getting people into trance, and then getting them to conjure what's troubling them in one hand, and it might be a noise, it might be an image, anything sensory, and then in the other hand, he gets the person to conjure the part of the brain that has the solution, and his role in the therapy is that he gets these two parts of a person to talk to each other, and in doing so, he can solve problems.  But he explained that what's beautiful about this technique, is a person doesn't need to be consciously aware of what's holding them back, from quitting smoking, from confidence issues, from a bad relationship with their mother, they don't need to know exactly what the underlying cause is, the brain already knows.  And the person doesn't need to know consciously how to solve it either.  It's all done on a subconscious level through clinical trance work.  I think that kind of potential for mindworking is phenomenal.  Mind-over-matter concepts are one of the reasons I love trance work, there's so much untapped potential in the mind and most people don't appreciate or even acknowledge the fact.

If someone was opened to these kind of things, mental conditioning techniques, acute observation of their environment, psychological training, from a young age, just as they learnt to walk, to talk, to understand and interpret that very environment, something great could occur.  Possibly terrible, but that doesn't mean it wouldn't be great.  I think this is where the future of the human race lies in all honesty.  Not the near future, but the 500-1000 year future, the future of genetic engineering, the future of designer babies, of VR worlds and implant technology, the future of Minority Report, and Dune, and Star Wars, that aren't entirely different from our own, just not realisable yet.  But someday, I think a current lifetime's research work of mental processes will be part of the everyday upbringing of a child, and none of us will have the privilege of seeing it

Sunday, 23 May 2010

The list

I just wrote one of the really long blog posts on my to do list.  Unfortunately, in the past 2 days, I've added 4 to the list.   /fail

7 minutes (or more) to save the world.

This is what I was halfway through the other day...

I have this theory. Which I'm sure now that I'm mentioning it, each one of you will be able to cite 20 different counter examples that prove me wrong. But oh well.

I have this theory that any band that produces a song greater than 7 minutes in length is automatically awesome. And that those songs themselves will be some of the best and most interesting work that band produces. As some undebatable examples of totally awesome >7minute works, there is Tubular Bells, Freebird, Sympathy For The Devil, Hey Jude, In-A-Gada-Da-Vida, and the full length version of Meatloaf's I Would Do Anything For Love. Of course, this theory loses relevance a little bit in the world of trance and remixes and various other genres of music, but nevertheless, I would like to share with you some songs & bands that I recommend you listen to, for I love them all in their own special ways. I cheat progressively more as you work your way down the list (more or less), so make your own judgements. I've provided youtube links where I can/if its a decent representative of the song.  N.B.  Whilst I recommend the music in the youtube links, I'm not necessarily stating the video is actually any good, some are fanvids *cringe*

Something Corporate - Konstantine
One of my favourite songs by one of my favourite bands. I got through moments in my A-Level exams by singing the whole of this in my head. It passes the time nicely when you just can't think anymore and need to clear your head before 5 minutes (and let the oversized writers bump on your finger calm down - downside of humanities subjects). This has a personal resonance for me, as I can't help but connect it with my first love for some reason (we hadn't spoken for 3 years when it was released, so not that obvious), and it conjures a lot of imagery in my head. But regardless, I love the emotional variation of this song, it goes up, it goes down, it goes angry, it goes emo, it goes nostalgic, it goes in love. Maybe not so odd why it seems a good metaphor for things then... Something Corporate are my second favourite band, and I wish they'd regroup, but what with cancer and moving onto other projects, that's not likely anytime soon. I'm a big fan of piano driven rock, and if you like this, check out the lead's current project - Jack's Mannequin.

Counting Crows - Mrs Potter's Lullaby
The one downside of this song, is that I can't help but think of the Potters out of Dawson's Creek, but that's what I get for watching shit TV. Counting Crows are the band who perform Colourblind - the song's that's playing as Reese Witherspoon comes up the escalator at the train station to find Ryan Phillippe (we should all be so lucky) waiting for her in Cruel Intentions. They also covered a not too shabby version of Joni's Big Yellow Taxi with Michelle Branch a few years back, and perform the song Accidentally In Love, which is in Shrek, the second one I think. Anywho, this song is a nice big long story; I like story songs - hence why I'm a fan of Suzanne Vega. This song always seems a bit like The Graduate to me, but it's not wise to ruminate on the connections my mind makes.

Lifehouse - Revolution Cry
Okay so this is my favourite band. Not a favourite song by a fair few, but a very good song nonetheless. Full of hope, uplifting, but in a quiet and subtle way. This song works when I'm emo, and it works when I'm manic. I particularly like the lyrics in this, probably cause it speaks to me, in that way that all good music should do. And Jason Wade is very good at writing music like that. And actively avoids citing a specific meaning or relevance to any of his songs, even his own thoughts or influences on it, because he doesn't want to invalidate anyone's own personal understanding of the music they create. And I think that's a good thing. This is a revolution song in a way, but a revolution of the heart. And yes I just said that. And yes Joel, I'm shielding against astral bitchslaps.

Amanda Palmer - Delilah
First Cheat. The studio version of this song is actually 6.55, but the version I'm linking is about 7.30 (taking off some time for some end dialogue). I didn't used to be sold on this song, but then I don't think I'd properly listened to it. As Chris says, it's the harmonies that really make this song. And as AFP (Amanda Fucking Palmer to the uneducated) says about the girl backing her, "Holy shit that girl can sing!" Incidentally, the girl backing her is Georgia Train, half of Bitter Ruin, who I LOVE, really recommend, and I will be selling the new album at their launch shows over the next week :) Songs about fucked upness are always good, but a good song about fucked up ness is really great, and this says it perfectly. I know I've linked this in a previous post, but it deserves posting again, to hopefully introduce some of you to Amanda Palmer/The Dresden Dolls/Evelyn Evelyn.

The Mars Volta - Take The Veil Cerpin Taxt
So I couldn’t put the epic Televators on here, as its just not long enough, so instead, I’ve provided my second favourite song from The Mars Volta. Deloused in the Comatorium was a fucking epic album, and whilst I own it, I simply don’t know Frances the Mute well enough to comment on it. But for weird sound combinations as well as some truly impressive lyric writing featuring an obscure vocabulary of archaic, obscure, and made up by phonotactically accurate and perfectly intuitive words, nothing can beat these guys.

The Cranberries - Zombie (Camel's Hump Mix)
*SPOTIFY LINK - NOT ON YOUTUBE*  Okay so it’s a remix, but its a truly bizarre remix of a song that’s originally a protest anthem. Not every day you have that. Possibly one to be listening to on hallucinogenics, just because I imagine the array of musical festivities assaulting your brain might possibly produce some very strange results, especially as the song switches from the childish, to the freaky, to the dance, to the synthed, to the original sound sample mixed over the top. Incidentally you should check out the Cranberries generally – some good music did come out of the 90s, I promise you!

Loreena McKennitt - The Lady of Shalot
Yes, even Loreena made it onto this list. Her inclusion may of course, cause you to thus judge the entire list as not worth paying attention to, but it’s the risk I take. Personally, I was never one for the Lady of Shalot myth; I’m not one for anything connected with the British Isles history really, but I do rather like this rendition. It’s the large majority of the original poem, though not it in its entirety, set to music and sung, and I think it works rather well. Ms. McKennitt is someone who doesn’t release an album or record a song without doing a lot of research into it, hence why she switches over the course of her career from British folk history, to eastern trance, to an entire album devoted to the pagan sabbats, and I think this song shows that amount of research and consideration for the context of what she’s producing pays off on gambles like this. I’ve mentioned how I like story songs, and this becomes one very effectively in this version.

Genesis -Supper's Ready
Who doesn’t love 23 minutes of biblical imagery in their music? Okay so prog rock is definitely heading into the cheating section of songs that are likely to be longer than 7 minutes long, and arguably, this has several different sections that are in fact combined to make the 23 minute epic that is Supper’s Ready, but it is cyclic, it comes full circle from start to finish, and it does tell a consistent story in-between. Genesis are a musical feast. You cannot fault them. They pioneered so many sound techniques, synthesizing, mixing effects, and promoted the use of lasers in performance when it was still early technology during their heyday. Chances are you’ll already know some of the band member’s other solo work, or at least recognise them as big players in the music industry by name. Suppers Ready is one of the best examples of just how varied their music can be, how brilliantly put together it is, with smooth, seamless segues between each section that adjust according to the different tempos, beats, and senses of each piece. Nothing comes close to this kind of thing nowadays.
N.B.  This song, due to length, comes in 3 parts on youtube - the other 2 are linked off the first one that I've linked as the title

Genesis - Firth of Fifth
For those who want something a little shorter than a 23 minute assault of prog rock, Firth of Fifth provides. All the stuff I said before still applies, and Firth of Fifth still showcases the talent of Genesis at its best, though there is a little less variation apparent as this is a singular, more contigious piece, rather than the multitude that make up Supper’s Ready. However it’s still prog rock, it still goes all over the place, and it has one of the best intro pieces to a song ever.

Genesis - Dancing with the Moonlit Knight
Yes yes, more Genesis. This has a notably darker tone than either of the previous two in my opinion, more subdued, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t varied. It starts off morose and bittersweet, and builds up progressively through the track. This song has some amazing solos and instrumentals in it, from the disgustingly talented Steve Hackett, and it comes complete with dress up in live performance. I realise, I haven’t given any examples of the latter period of Genesis. That’s not to say there’s nothing worthwhile there, a lot is still amazing in ways that just can’t be put into words, but I am a classic-era Genesis fan, and so songs like Supper’s Ready and this one will always be my favourite works of theirs.

Dragon force - Through The Fire and Flames
This song shouldn't need introducing. Jack can play this on hard expert difficulty on Guitar Hero. Normally, I hate wanky guitar 'look at me and how good i am with my solo that you'll never be able to play cause it needs 13 fingers and 2 left hands' kinda music. But with Dragonforce, they recognise what they're doing, they don't do it to be pretentious, they do it to take the piss out of both themselves, and everyone else doing it. And I can respect that level of self awareness. Especially when it produces songs like this. It's also a really fun song to play on Audiosurf.

Infected Mushroom - Dancing with Kadafi
Psy/Electro I know, but this song moves around a lot, it doesn’t just repeat the same spacey or synthed sound, so it’s worth listening to. I love the eastern bit about 6 minutes in, definitely my favourite section in the entire song. If you like this, I recommend Cities of the Future. Dancing with Kadafi is awesome if only cause it combines so many influences into one track; Infected Mushroom are a band that travel a lot, they take musical rhythms from all over the world and incorporate it into their own music in so many different ways, and this song doesn’t just do it with one or two influences mixed into a more standard base, this goes all over the place, takes every influence it can, and produces some truly awesome music at the end of it.

Mind in a box - Amnesia
Credit for this one must go to Seany. He found the band, and told me to listen to this song and I've loved it ever since. What does it say to me? Hmmm, I can't quite place it to be honest, Truth? For lack of a better word. Definitely ideal played with decent speakers, and fairly loud. Ideally things should be vibrating violently. Preferably not your heart, though if you do manage to achieve that, please have a videocamera set up to prerecord. Both for my own twisted viewing, and the interest of the scientific and military communities

Astral Projection - Dancing Galaxy
Firmly in the world of trance now. This one is mostly for the geeks. It's a nice travelling song sure - with a band name like Astral Projection and a song title 'Dancing Galaxy' how could it be anything but, but this truly awesome thing about this song is the inclusion of the sound sample from David Lynch's film version of Dune. Whilst I dislike the film version, especially in its ending, and uberespecially compared to the Sci-Fi Channel miniseries, it does include much more of the prelude to Arrakis, where so many important and pivotal things occur in the book. Not really ideal for spacing out to, due to the included sound sample regrounding you every so often, but definitely a good chillaxin tune.

Hallucinogen - Angelic Particles (Buckminster Fullerine Mix)
Okay so its both a remix AND still in the world of trance, but if the inclusion of the words 'Buckminster Fullerine' in the title didn't make you geek out, then there's no hope for you at all and you might as well go make a cup of tea instead of reading my blog. Being trance, there's not necessarily a huge amount I can say beyond its nice to space out to, but you'd hope that really, otherwise its some pretty shit trance in my opinion. It's very soft and laid back, and if you feel like making an opium den, this song is pretty much your background music.

Hallucinogen - Gamma Goblins 1 & 2
Technically two songs, one of longer than 7 minutes and one shorter, but they're also two parts of a whole. If trance met the movie Gremlins, with a touch of the creepiness found in The Stranlgers 'Waltzing Black', this is sort of what would be the terrible yet great offspring of that biologically surreal and not entirely practical union. Best not to listen to this one in a darkened room whilst you're on hallucinogenics, or you really will start seeing things. So naturally, I have done this. Of course, I was seeing dragons and fighting my friend Jack for my life that night, so wierd goblin laughs were really the least thing I was concerned about, but I'm assuming your trips are slightly more stable and sane than mine, insomuch as hallucinogenic trips can be stable and sane. I also recommend the 'Its Turtles All The Way' mix.
N.B.  Part 2 can be found linked off the one I've provided, or a search for Gamma Goblins will provide on Youtube.  Make sure to get the Hallucinogen versions, and not the ones by Infected Mushroom

Of course, there were things that didn't get on here. Soundtracks and Classical music I completely ignored, despite how many good songs there are in them. It's very sad that Regret by Malice Mizer isn't over 7 minutes long, but I'm going to link them anyway, like I just did. Also Sigur Ros and Explosions In The Sky have music you should check out if you don't know it already, I just don't know their songs well enough to say much about them. But hopefully this has given you all plenty to go away and have fun with. Mostly Adam when he's avoiding revision.


This is your world.
These are your people.
You can live for yourself today
Or help build tomorrow for everyone.

Das ist deine Welt.
Das sind seine Mitmenschen
Du kannst heute für dich lieben.
Oder für alle die Zukunft von Morgen aufbauen.

C'est ton monde.
Ces sont tes gens.
Aujourd'hui tu pourrais penser qu'à toi.
Ou aider à construire un lendemain pour tous

Friday, 21 May 2010

I'm halfway through writing another blog post

But it's loooooong, its taken me two hours already, will resume later.  It's on totally awesome songs I think you should listen to.  I still have about half - 6 - or so to do, and to link it all up, so bear with me....  or bare with me if you're cute.

If God wanted us sober He'd knock the glass over

Firstly, Jason Webley - Drinking Song.  It's an awesome finishing number for encores.  And has everything you could want out of a drinking song really, pretty much perfect.  The song starts around 3 minutes in if you want to skip some of the talking, but it starts and stops, as AFP gigs tend to by their very nature.

But anyway, onto the subject of drinking.  As you all are no doubt aware, I have the joyous Asian allergy to alcohol.  This is not in fact, as bad as it seems, sure I go rather red and *look* ill, but I'm actually fine, it means I can get drunk pretty quick if I want, and saves me a fortune in liquor costs.  I actually quite enjoy drinking when I do it, and I also have the wondrous ability to sober up instantly when adrenaline hits my system, such as someone throwing up, or a near death actuality, which makes me pretty handy to have around a party.

However, I do have one gripe with social drinking, this idea that everyone needs to drink the same amount.  I admit I'm a lightweight, and I will never have the drinking stamina of the Scots, or the Russians, but as I've already said, that has advantages.  I was under the impression that the idea, ultimately, is to get everyone smashed and hammered.  Which is a very admirable aim in my opinion.  But people get smashed and hammered at different levels to each other, so why do people need to keep up.  I'm not a casual drinker.  If I'm drinking I'm usually drinking with the intention of being drunk throughout the night.  And being myself, I know how to do that a hell of a lot better than you do.  I know, that unless its crushed ice, mint, and some lemonade, a glass 3 quarters full of spirit will not allow me to even reach the bottom of the first drink.  I know, that 10 shots in a row, is a surefire way to make me throw up for 20 minutes.  I know that if I drink too fast, I lose the ability to breathe as my throat closes up.  I know that if I drink too much too quickly, I will pass out, at which point that's a wasted evening.  I will gladly get drunk with you, but that does not mean I need to match you glass for glass, or even measure for measure.  Please rest assured that I have no intention of staying sensible or coherent, but allow me to imbibe at my own pace, and relative to my technical allergy, I will be just as drunk as you throughout the night.

And for the love of god, don't pour my drinks if you're going to make every one a quintuple shot of liquor.  I won't drink it, I'll stop being drunk, and then the whole fun of the night, for both/all of us, will disappear very quickly, as I get annoyed that you're bugging me to drink a drink I told you not to pour me, and you'll get frustrated that I'm not keeping up with you and am slowly sobering up.  And those people who say they'll pour sensibly and then don't, and its not cause they're drunk, its cause they're cunts who insist you drink stupid amounts even though as I've mentioned, it prompts various undesirable effects in me that can swiftly end an evening in various ways?  I'm gonna come get you all when the apocalypse comes.  Zombies can wait.  You people need to suffer first, and zombie gnawing is too good a death for you.

The Hypothetical Library

The Hypothetical Library is something I found via the god that is Neil Gaiman.  It's a very clever idea for a blog.  All those ideas that never get written, all those books that are never published, because they can't be, what would they look like.  The image work here is very good quality, and the current feature (as of today still Neil Gaiman) is very clever indeed.  Something for the educated geeks amongst you, rather than the ones who just watch/play too much pokemon...

Stories From The Frontline

Pretty much anyone reading this is gonna agree the DADT policy of the US armed forces is pretty retarded and outdated, in fact even the leading senior military figures in the Senate panel currently reviewing the policy are advocating its repeal.  Most of the opposition is coming from the standard gays = sex manics (okay maybe partly true amongst the gay friends I have), could singlehandedly bring down an entire platoon by their very presence (if they weren't so anti-gays themselves, maybe terrorists could take down the us forces by having the queeniest bitches in all fagendom on their front lines), uber conservative senators and now retired military leaders from the Vietnam era.

But it hasn't been repealed yet, and there's some rather depressing reading out there about the soldiers who are still falling foul of this law.  Especially those who the US want, such as foreign language speakers, but get rid of by their adherence to DADT.  For those who don't pay close attention to these things, its important for you to know that whilst the policy is DADT, those outed by a third party can be 'investigated' and in some cases, some people have been outed due to reviews of personal, usually private, emails, that happen to show a squaddie emailing back home to their same-sex beau, so the application of the don't ask part of the policy is a little, sporadic (i can never hear that word without thinking "I hope not sporadically", Clueless was there before mean girls ever started the "fugly slut" quotes.)  Below is a letter sent from a soldier, a week ago,, to the good President, Mr. Obama.  It's rather heartbreaking really, and makes poignant points about the problems currently caused, by reviewing the DADT policy without putting a moratorium on its use during the review. 

The world is currently condemning the recent actions of Malawi and Uganda against gay people, and yet, as the soldier points out, here is the United States, sending a soldier to war because its convenient for them, who if he's lucky enough to come back, already knows his return, unlike that of the rest of his unit  -who will be publicly lauded and praised for their heroics, will be to the military casting him out as a degenerate and corrupting influence.  But only during peace time.

May 14, 2010
President Barack H. Obama
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Northwest
Washington, DC 20500

Dear Mr. President,

I am writing to you from a kitchen in the state of Washington. The love of my life is in the other room. It has been eight months since I saw him last and I cherish every moment we spend together. Next week, my mid-tour leave will be over and I will return to Iraq and finish my second deployment. I don’t know when I’ll see my partner again.

When serving in a war zone, you learn quite a bit about yourself and what’s important to you. I’ve had the chance to work on a close and personal level with the people of Iraq, and in doing so, I have realized more than ever that the freedoms we enjoy as Americans should not be taken for granted – we must protect them at all costs. These freedoms are essential to the very foundation of our society. Yet so many men and women who fight for these freedoms aren’t allotted their own. Our freedom to love and be loved by whomever we choose. The freedom to live of a life of truth and dignity.

Recently I was informed that the military was investigating me for violating the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” law. Another service member had apparently “outed” me. At first I felt free: I didn’t have to lie anymore. But after that initial sense of relief, I’m left knowing just how little the Pentagon and the United States government think of me.

Mr. President, my unit is extremely undermanned. We’re working around the clock in Baghdad. My commander informed me that the Army cannot afford to lose me. I was told that they would prepare my discharge paperwork, “stick it in a Manila envelope, and keep it in a desk -- for now.”

One moment they wanted to throw me out and the next they are hiding evidence to keep me in.

My comrades now know that I am gay, and they do not treat me any differently. Work runs as smoothly as ever, and frankly the only difference I see -- besides my pending job loss -- is that I am free of the burden of having to constantly watch my words and ensure my lies are believable.

Having this out in the open makes things a bit less stressful. But it’s also clear the Army is only keeping me around until they are done with me. After I have served my two deployments -- and only a year shy of separating from the military honorably -- I suspect they will kick me to the street.

It’s bad enough that there is a law that denies tens of thousands of service members from serving with integrity, but it’s even worse when such a law is carried out with such inconsistency, without any warning of when it might come down.

If my suspicions are true, my discharge will move forward after my deployment. I am good enough to serve in war, but not at peace? I will never be at peace until this law is repealed – and neither will my partner. In fact, he won’t even be informed if I am killed in action. That might be the hardest part for us both.

Mr. President, when you took office I remember watching your inauguration knowing that history was being made. I remember feeling like this weight was being lifted off of my shoulders. I truly believed in you, and I still do.

But, Mr. President, please keep your promise to me.

Please do everything in your power to help Congress repeal “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” this year. Our government called upon us to fight for our country. So many of us answered the call; we did not delay. We were sent world’s away to defend your freedoms. Mr. President, won’t you fight for mine?

With deep respect,

A soldier returning to Baghdad

(The writer is currently serving and unable to identify himself publicly.)

This letter, was published by a project called Stories from the Frontlines, by the Servicemembers Legal Defence Network.  As the markup for the various reviews and bills related to it going through Congress approach, SFTF are posting a different letter every weekday.  It's fairly intense reading.  Make sure you've got an evening to sacrifice freely to your thoughts before sifting through some of the other examples.

Tuesday, 18 May 2010

Things to come

I have a big long list of 10 different posts I intend to make at some point.  Stuff is in the works.  It'll just take me time to write it out...

Sunday, 16 May 2010


I'm insightful.

I really don't get this :S

Music Sharing

You should all listen to this song, cause it's fooking awesome:

There's a post partially related to this to come at some point when I write it up (I've got a big long list of things I've been meaning to write up)

Post Scriptum

Also, apparently writing 5 blog posts in one night makes you all panic about me.  My phone has been buzzing with text messages checking up on me all day.  Bless you all.

To Write Love On Her Arms

Today I helped spread the message of TWLOHA.  For those of you who aren't interested or too lazy to click through to the website for the full story behind the idea, I'll summarise the whole deal here. 

To Write Love On Her Arms was one guy's idea to help a friend who desperately needed it.  A friend who needed treatment she couldn't pay for, and a creative fundraising effort by that girl's friends, and the people who cared for her.  It grew.  Into something much bigger.  Something amazing.   The idea is so simple.  It doesn't require you to stop in the street, and answer a questionnaire, and surrender a load of personal information.  It doesn't require you to field phone calls asking for £10 a month, for £5 a month, for £2 a month.  It just asks, that if you believe in the concept you take a marker pen, and you write the word 'love' on your arm.  Or that you wear one of their tshirts if having things written on your arm isn't an option for you for whatever reason.

The point of this, is people will then see that you have love written on your arm, and ask you about it, because its a relatively unusual thing, and this opens a dialogue.  With random strangers.  With people you wouldn't necessarily have deep conversations with.  And you explain, that love, is part of TWLOHA, a charity that fights to raise awareness for people suffering from depression, for people suffering from addiction, for people who self harm, for people who are considering, or who have tried, to commit suicide.  Because these conditions are all under-estimated, under-reported, under-diagnosed and under-treated.  And they are serious.  They are real problems.  People suffering from depression or addiction need more than tough love a lot of the time to get them through it, they are not just being a drama queen about having a bad week or two.  And even if they are, if someone's at the point of suicide, or self-annihilating behaviours, is "stop being so dramatic" really the best advice you can come up with, is that really the most helpful thing you can possibly think of to say to someone at that time.  Whether you think it's real or not, they believe it's real, and anything the mind thinks is real, it will percieve as real, and it will respond accordingly.  That's not me trying to persuade you, that's proven scientific medical fact. 

I love TWLOHA because it is *so* simple.  Anyone can get hold of a marker pen.  Kids doodle on their hands all the time in school classes.  People go for runs, or sit on a tube train wearing tshirts, or go shopping or anything.  People don't need to change their life to do this.  People can go about their lives perfectly normally, and you might meet someone new, you might get talking to a stranger and find you have more in common than you think.  You'll find a new friend, a new lover, a new job offer.  But you'll have spread this very simple and easy concept.  And you'll have made someone stop and think about what depression is, and what it means, if only for 3 minutes.  And those people will go home, and say "something really wierd happened to me on the way home from work today" to their families, and that will spread the message further.  And if everyone did that about depression, about cancer, about global warming, about third world debt, about AIDS, everyone around the world, just once, that's around FOURTY THOUSAND years of thought.  About six hundred human lifetimes.  How's that for some fucking awareness?

Love, or something connected with TWLOHA is something I'd seriously consider getting as a tattoo on my arm so it was there everyday.  In fact, I think the only reason I don't, is a tattoo is less likely to prompt conversation, people will assume, as it's a tattoo, that you obviosuly have it for some reason you care about, even if it is cliche/generic to have the word love as a tattoo.  All it's missing a a heart with a sash on it.  Or hate on the other arm.  Granted that should be on the knuckles, but same idea.  Conversely, if it's drawn on, in shitty marker, even if you've made it look pretty, it's very obviously drawn on.  In which case, why on earth did you do that?  I might, whilst I'm in the US this summer, where it'll be warm and I'll have little use for warm clothes (except when I hit San Francisco of course, damned Bay Area mornings), try and spend the entire time with it written on my arm.  It's a cause I believe in that much.

For more links to TWLOHA, please see:

Also, TWLOHA recently won a twitter campaign for a FREE, full page advert in the USA Today, which I am immensely happy for them about.  These ads cost about $200,000 and the paper circulates to 4,000,000 readers a day.  Even if only half the readers think about it for 1 minute, that's still 4 years worth of thought, around 1400 days of awareness, just for one minute of a person's time.

Mood: Sad for a friend.  The friend, and the reason for the sadness will likely feature in a post sometime over the next 10 days.


Saturday, 15 May 2010

To James

Thank you.


An unrescuable schizo

Shut up.  Get over it.  Man up.  Stop bitching.

Done.  Sorted.  *happy happy*
Let's see how fast this thing can go

/Clear Memory


I've had this on my facebook notes for a while now, and it in turn came from a forum elsewhere, but I think it deserves a place on the blog, and it's a good piece of writing.  Somedays I feel like one of Adam's boys.  Most days I feel like Adam.  You tell me if either of those are a good thing, or which is better.

Adam just wants to make sure he makes the best impression, Adam wants to know that everybody has seen his best side. Adam knows the importance of perception, and is very accommodating to the needs and desires of his friends. He ensures that his friends are told often how ready he is to to lend an ear, he let's them know how alike he is, and how lucky he, and they, are to have found each other. Adam tells you he needs you and you know you need him. Adam would never hurt anybody, he has been hurt enough. Adam has reams of tales of hurt and manipulation, and he opens up to his friends so readily, with so much emotion. In turn their hearts are rendered open, and they become one, they know their connection is real, unique, as it is with all his friends. Adam loves you, and you, and you, and you and needs you, and you, and you, and you.

England is a small country, Adam knows. Adam is well versed in travel, and loves to meet friends from all over the country. The further the better, why complicate things? Things only get complicated when friends are brought together, Adam knows this. Adam knows that things are easier to handle when those he loves are separate entities. Adam doesn't want to complicate things. Adam is the first to try and make things better, full of apologies and retractions, his ever-so-rare displays of emotion being let out, just for you, and you, and you, and you. Adam is afraid he's going to mess things up, so has to be extra careful. Adam knows he's found something special, but then, there are so many special things out there. So many special things and who is harmed if nobody knows? Not you, or you, or you, or you. Separate entities and separate worlds, they all know they are loved, they all know Adam needs them.

Adam cannot for blamed for his faults, Adam has a troubled past. Adam is so ready to discuss his secret, troubled past. Funny how easily he switches from traumatised to cheer, from sorrow to joy. He cannot be blamed. He is beautiful, intelligent, a flower crushed by outside forces. Everybody desires him, but he chose you, and you, and you, and you. He just wants to make the best impression. The best persona. The best fit. Adam just wants to make friends, sometimes they only want to be friends with a single man. Or a artistic man. Or a caring man. The best impression. Adam cannot be blamed for his beauty. He needs to surround himself with these people, who he loves ever so much, who want him ever so much, who remind him of his beauty. He tells them he needs them and as long as they need him nothing is wrong and no harm is done. No harm is done if they need him, these separate entities and separate worlds.

Adam has always known how to look after himself, but you know that he needs you. Adam knows he has to be able to shrug some of you off, but you think that he needs you. When you are such a sensitive and beautiful soul as Adam, there has to be some kind of damage control. When the separate entities communicate, somebody has to become the bad guy. And it won't be Adam, because he loves you, and you, and you, and you. One of you is lying, one of you is trying to hurt Adam, but Adam has done nothing wrong, he just needs you, and you, and you, and you. He is true to you, as much as he knows truth. He is true to the moment, true to the feeling, true to the impression, true to the persona. Adam knows that the truth only exists in action, but this truth need not be the same for all of his loves. Why should he be the same person when he the capacity to be many, many more? He is wonderful, skilled, kind, caring, he will be there as long as he needs you, as long as he needs you.

Adam has many enemies. Funny how they used to be friends. Funny how they fell out of favour. Funny how easy they were to throw away, when they became too complicated to maintain. Funny how it was always their fault. Their hate seems so strong, but why would anyone hate such a delicate creature? He has suffered so much, and still they hate. They are in the wrong, he has suffered so much, he must be protected from those that would do him harm.

But he's always looking for more friends, friends that won't listen to the liars that speak of manipulation. That speak of hurt. Adam says they are lies, he hopes you believe him. But you need Adam. You will believe him. Adam loves you, and you, and you, and you. And he just wants more to love, and more that will need him, and more to make him feel, make him feel, make him feel wanted and needed and needed, but Adam knows this will not be enough, this will never be enough, never enough while he still performs. While he still has to account for his many, many lives, many, many loves, none of them want the real Adam, the Adam that died years ago, the Adam that never saw the light of day, the Adam that was smothered in lies and manipulation and treachery, replaced by a leech, only desire to be wanted, but nobody will ever want you, Adam, because Adam no longer exists except in best impressions, personas, perceptions.


One of the things I hate about growing up, especially around this age of twenty-something, is you stop being your own person.  You stop having the opportunity to go visit a friend at 2300, and stay up drinking, and watching shitty films, and bitching about life until 1000, before both crashing out curled up with each other, even though there's nothing between you, it's just got to that point of things.  You become a part of someone else.  People get boyfriends and girlfriends, and move in with them, and buy houses, and it all stops being possible.  Someone always has to work the next day, or someone's partner is always there too, or coming home at 2300, or 0200 if you're lucky, but they're coming home.  You can't let yourself properly go with your friends anymore, not the way you used to, because even if both a friend and their partner are the closest people to you, the mere fact there's two instead of one changes the entire dynamic and interactions of the time together.  My friend Jme, who granted, I wouldn't see much anyway, has officially settled down.  He owns a fucking country cottage with his high school sweetheart.  He spends his weekends painting the fucking bedroom and putting up new fucking fences in the garden.  I love him, but time with him now tends to follow the inevitable 'how are your parents, how's your brother doing at school/work, how's city life, how's country life' etc.  Give it 2 or 3 years and it'll be 'how're the kids'.

And pretty soon, I'll be one of these people.  I'll move in with my boyfriend, which is great and all, regular sex, a bigger DVD collection, free hugs, someone to cook when I've had a bad day... All. That. Jazz.  And yet... even if we agree one night a week where one of us will be out, so we can both have time to ourselves, so we can have the flat to ourselves for a bit, so we can invite a friend over for the evening, it's just that.  It's for the evening.  And Chris isn't one for spending the entire night out as it is.  And my pool of friends that I can do that with is practically non-existent these days.  There's a million and one little adjustments to make.  We both like to listen to music throughout our day, and whilst we get on well enough with each other's music (though maybe not him so much with my cheesy pop for 8 hours at a time), we very much like our own music, and suddenly it'll be a choice of not being in the same room, or sharing the music.  I'm usually up late, he's not.  Either I can go to bed with him, keep him up, make him tired and cranky, and then still lie awake for 3 more hours before I finally manage to fall asleep, or I can be in a different room and have to climb into bed separately to him ever night so I can play games or listen to some music whilst I write stupid blog posts, or I can be in the same room, with low light, and no sound.

Maybe it's time to invest in a pair of wireless headphones....

Music: Still listening to Einaudi so won't post more.  However, whilst this post was not inspired by, it certainly relates to, the sentiment expressed in this song, hence the title of this post.

Here with me

(Yes emo eddie is back in full swing, well not full swing, i'm depressed, rather than having a depressive episode, but still...)

You say you're there if I want, or need to talk.  You're there for me.  You're giving 110%.    But it never feels like it...

I call.  I send random messages if I see you online.  I suggest we go out for dinner, or to the cinema, or anything vaguely resembling a date, or just a nice night out.  You don't call.  You can't call.  I, and probably you, don't even know if your landline can call me.  You always leave your phone somewhere and come back to it 8 hours later.  I could never trust that part of me around you.  I could never let you be my one phonecall, or my emergency contact, because I don't know that you'll be at the end of a phone.  Not because you're busy.  Because you're just not at the end of a phone like the other 95% of people in my life.  And yet you know I'm the sort of person, who would gladly drop everything to travel halfway around the world on the next flight, not the next available flight, the next flight there was, I would argue my way onto it, for anyone who asked it of me.  You always wait for me to call, even when things are bad, its my responsiblity, because it just is.  You never start those conversations.  Even if you, or I, or we, really really need one.  It's easier to just let it go, and wait till I'm better again.

When I'm better, I haven't fixed things.  I've just forced myself to be okay with them; that "pretending everything's okay" trick of mine?  I do that 24/7 (on which note, see last post).  I've just forced myself to be okay with it, even if I'm not.  Because the first thing I ever learnt from pains of the heart, was that you don't always get the outcome you want, no matter how long you wait, no matter how much you want it, no matter how much you fucking deserve it, all you have, is you.  You have to deal with it, you have to answer those questions, by yourself, because no-one else will help you.  And I'm learning it all over again with you.

Sometimes I'm not in this thing.  But then neither are you.

Mood: See last post, this one is connected, in case it wasn't bleedin' obvious.

Music: More Einaudi

Someday I'll be Saturday night.

I lie.  A lot.  To everyone.  Everyday.  True, I lie to some people more than others; we all know there are some things you just don't admit to your parents and when asked you smile politely and make something up, because it saves you all a lot of emotional trauma in the long run, and yes, some people I lie to more, and some people I lie to less, and it depends on the circumstance.  But make no mistake, I am, a compulsive liar.  I will lie and make something up for no real reason, there's no necessity, there's nothing to be ashamed of, or to protect, no job to try and get, no cute boy to impress, I will just lie.  And I'll know I'm doing it.  And I'll think to myself, why the hell am I saying this, I've no reason to.  But I'll lie nonetheless, as I say: compulsive.  I physically (or should it be mentally?) cannot stop myself.

And like any good habitual liar, it's such a part of me, that there are lies which have become entire truths about my life.  I've fooled my own memory into being unable to tell the difference between the lie world, and whatever the reality is/was.  Which is superbly useful should I ever be quizzed about them on a lie detector machine for some reason, as my memory will just have the same consistent suspicious paranoia about anything it tries to remember, but it does make it hard to work out, should the mood ever strike me for some bizzare reason, what I need to confess as false, and what's fair and valid.  And even if I could remember what I need to own up to, I can't remember what there is to replace aforementioned owning up.

I'm not entirely sure why I have this consistent urge to lie, even in instances when the truth is actually far more interesting.  Maybe it did grow from an attention seeking thing, from trying to impress people, from trying to seem worthwhile (I had issues as a child.  I still have issues, I'm just old enough to fight off anyone who tries to drag me to the psych office without a heavy, heavy dose of drugs, and some restraints), but whatever the reason and deep rooted psychological damage within me, I lie everyday about all kinds of things.  What I got up to, about the random stranger on the bus, that I ordered a hot chocolate instead of a coffee, wierd little inconsquential things.  And then some bigger very consequential things from time to time.

My admission of this is nothing new, I've freely admitted to people I'm a compulsive liar before, I'm just very good at making both you and me believe that it's the truth from years of experience. I know how not to make my lies too fanciful.  And you'll never quite know what I'm lying about and what I'm not.  But then, as I've discussed, I'm not entirely too sure myself either.

Of course, now you're all going to wonder if you ever really knew me, if I could ever really be trusted, if I ever can again, if the person you think you're friends with is the person you really know or not, and so on and so forth.  I can't silence these doubts for you I'm afraid.  If it's a comfort, than as I said at the beginning, I do it to everyone to varying degrees, so its not like I'm holding any form of grudge against you personally.  In fact this blog probably contains the least lies, or at least conscious lies, about me, as that's sort of the point, and I think this still shows mostly the same person.  Possibly a lot more emo than you're used to, but that's cause one of my lie traits, is the ability to put on a perfect smile so that you'd never know I'm on the point of crying.

Mood: Rather down, though that didn't prompt this


Thursday, 13 May 2010

Smiles for Miles

I love guys' smiles.  Yes, this from a guy who doesn't smile much.  In actual fact, I'm not entirely physically sure how to smile.  People tell me to smile, and I try, and they go "no like this", so I try and imitate them and they go "come on, smile properly" and I have no idea what I'm doing wrong.  Just like I have no idea what's wrong with the way I say theatre.  But back to the point...

I love guys' smiles.  It's the cutest possible thing about a guy.  I can't remember half the guys I slept with, even discounting 'work', but I can remember so many smiles.  And I'm not good with visual memory, and I definitely can't describe someone to you (much to my frustration when I like some new guy and everyone asks me what they look like), but I can conjure up an image in my head of just about every single friend I've ever had if I imagine them laughing or smiling.  Chris has a cute smile, especially when he's managed to surprise me, or excite me or thought I looked particularly cute and its a smile that says he's completely in love with me.  Jack has a smile that's full of wonder and amazement at the world, the kind of smile a child has that gets lost somewhere along the line.  Terence has a fucking goofy smile, it makes me laugh, and then want to kiss him.  My ex had the best smile in the world, and whilst I don't particularly miss him, after all I broke it up and am with Chris, I do, occasionally, miss his smile.  Jme has a combined laugh and smile where anything he's drinking comes out of his nose.  Tania smiles with a duck of her head that makes you want to hug her.  Pilar smiles the kind of smile only a latina mama can pull off, 150%, complete and overflowing with spirit.  Adam's smile (as I know he reads this) is endearing and trusting, and, whether you like it or not Adam, has a hint of the subby pup within you, and that's not a bad thing.  Seany's smile is a crazy one, the definitive big kid, the man who refuses to grow up, rather than the man who genuinely still is a child.  Joel's smile is pitying, mocking, and supportive and understanding all at the same time.  I love people's smiles, and specifically, I love guys' smiles.  Its the most amazing non-sexual thing about them.  Though the kind of smile guys give when you're fooling around on a sofa, half sexual, but not actually sex, is definitely the best kind.  Forget eyes, or arses, or good dress sense, or philanderer hair, its a smile that really makes a guy for me.

That's not to say of course, that I don't have certain things that I do like from a physical or sexual perspective.  I have a big thing for arms.  The maoz on Old Compton Street is amazing, because it seemingly always has a guy with nice muscled arms sitting in the front window whenever I walk past.  A guy with powerful arms feels great holding you.  Or shoving you up against a wall.  Whilst arms don't  have quite as dramatic an effect as guys with red or blue hair on me - I have some wierd uncontrollable fetish for that where guys I didn't even like before suddenly become attractive to me with dark blue or red dyed hair - they are the sort of thing I do a double take for when I pass guys in the street.  I'll always notice a guy's arms before I notice his ass, or his crotch, or chest or whatever.  From a mental level, I think both the arms and the hair things say something about  the guy, about his confidence and physicality.  A guy with good arms is likely to have the torso to go along with it, they're likely to take care of their bodies, and if they do that, they're likely to have some stamina too... ;)  Boys with blue or red hair are almost certainly going to have a personality I'm going to be interested in.  They're going to have crazy theories and look at the world differently.  They have the confidence to not care what people think about their appearance even when it doesn't fit in, and even if that confidence is compensating for something, usually a broken inside that I'm going to like, it's still appealing.  They're likely to be a lot more open to what the world can offer, in all sorts of ways.  Smiles, arms and crazy coloured hair; it's a sure winner with me.

That's not to say you have to have gym bunny style arms.  Whilst I definitely appreciate the improvements when Chris has time to work out, something as simple as him putting on a sleeveless top in front of me tends to make me grab him eagerly.  I think you can imagine for yourself where things tend to go to from there...

EDIT:  On the basis of the above, and some thinking about various people, smiles reveal a lot about the person.  Eyes don't say that much to me to be honest.  But a smile, at least the way I read them, tells me some of the most fundamental character traits about you, both good and bad, whether you want me to know them or not.  I recognise that there's a slight problem in that I'm only basing this on the smiles people give when around me, and so someone with a good grasp of psychotheory might be able to manipulate this, but oh well.

Mood:  Up and down: shit exam yesterday, final one Monday.


Wednesday, 12 May 2010

A facebook status can only be 420 characters long, it turns out.

Cyberdog Lady:

It saddened me to find you not accoutred in the vestments of your namesake today, however you were made up for by punk-era-leather-jacket-wearing-filch-out-of-harry-potter looking inviglator. Especially with those slow suspicious tuns of his. Would you be so kind as to see to it that someone takes these factors into consideration when it comes to the making of my truly abysmal exam script?


Examined Further in E2

Tuesday, 11 May 2010


Feeling blue
When I'm trying to forget this feeling
That I miss you

Feeling green
When the jealousy wells and it won't
Go away in dreams

Feeling yellow
I'm confused inside a little hazy but mellow
When I feel your eyes on me

Feeling fine, sublime
When that smile of yours
Creeps into my mind

Nobody told me it feels so good
Nobody said you'd be so beautiful
Nobody warned me about your smile
You're the light
You're the light
When I close my eyes
I'm colour blind
You make me colour blind

Feeling red
When you spend all your time with your friends
And not me instead

Feeling black
When I think about all of the things that
I feel I lack

Feeling jaded
When it's not gone right
All the colours have faded
Then I feel your eyes on me

Feeling fine, sublime
When that smile of yours
Creeps into my mind

Nobody told me it feels so good
Nobody said you'd be so beautiful
Nobody warned me about your smile
You're the light
You're the light
When I close my eyes
I'm colour blind
You make me colour blind

I'm blinded by the light you shine
The colours fade completely
I'm blinded by you everytime
I feel your smile defeat me
I'm colour blind
I just can't deny this feeling

Nobody told me it feels so good
Nobody said you'd be so beautiful
Nobody warned me about your smile
You're the light
You're the light
When I close my eyes
I'm colour blind
You make me colour blind

Nobody told me it feels so good
Nobody said you'd be so beautiful
Nobody warned me about your smile
You're the light
You're the light
When I close my eyes
I'm colour blind
You make me colour blind
Darius - Colourblind