This is a post on kink I've been meaning to write for quite a while, and is indirectly a long overdue reply to a post Joel made a while ago.
As he puts it, there are largely 2 kinds of doms, the kind who want something to use and discard, with little regard for the person submitting to them, and the kind who regardless of whether its a single session, or a full blown LTR, feel a strong sense of responsibility to the boy they've got tied down.
This got me thinking... And as touched upon in the previous post, a good dom, is one who realises that the sub is the one truly in control, they are surrendering that control and placing a huge amount of trust in the dom; that the dom will read them correctly and respond accordingly, that the dom won't rape them, that the dom will stop if you signal that things have gone too far, that the dom won't do anything you have a hard limit against. The good dom understands how to push a boy, that whilst a boy may not like things, or may only be able to take so much, with time, and care, and proficiency, you can stretch those, and you can introduce the boy to something they'd never thought possible; they can learn to take sounds, they can be cut, they can be hit harder with that person than any other person could possibly get them near.
And equally the good dom is rewarded by all this; they feel privileged by the trust that the sub places upon them, that the sub would surrender themselves so to the dom's whims, they feel a sense of accomplishment, both for themselves, and a sympathetic one for the sub, when they consensually and successfully push a sub further than before. Their aim isn't to make the sub into what they want, their aim is to help the sub realise their potential, and if everyone's lucky, the sub's realization and the dom's wants match up, and you get a working, healthy, Dom/sub relationship.
Joel asked me recently why I love my broken boys so much. I replied "i get on with them. there's the whole attractive dark broody damaged bad boy thing. we understand each other, even if we're not broken in the same ways." What I failed to mention, though Joel picked up on, and its one of the same reason that he loves broken boys so much, is that I can care for broken boys. In a way that I don't feel I can for normal people. I might be broken, and they might be too, and we might not work well at all, but we can take care of each other just as well or badly as the other one. In a way it makes things equal. (Incidentally, whilst looking through my message history for this, I had to browse through the message history of when Joel and I first started talking to each other properly and rather into each other, it's sweet, and makes a boy feel good about himself. I have a whole post to come up on 'the thrill of the chase', but there's another 10 or so things still left on my long list, so bear with me)
In my experience and understanding, both personal and talking to other friends I have, both sub and dom, and what can be so hard for non kink people to understand is that both people get so much out of this arrangement. Sure, the dom gets something to 'use', someone to make them the early morning cup of tea, someone to carry the bags, someone to wake them up with a blowjob, but he gets someone to take care of, who craves love and attention and affection, who needs protecting, who's fragile and who needs direction. And what the non-kink people don't tend to appreciate, is that the sub gets exactly the same things. Making those cups of tea, giving their master head whilst they watch tv, gives the sub a huge sense of pride. If fulfills them. They can't protect themselves, but they can protect their master. Hell hath no fury like a sub whose master has been scorned.
People often assume that the dom protects the sub, and in return the sub says thank you in both sexual and non sexual favours. And that's not the case at all. It's a duty of care, in both directions, it just manifests itself differently due to the dynamic of the relationship. The dom cares for the sub, and in return the sub cares for the dom; holding the guy's head whilst facefucking him can be the best expression of love affection and care if you know the dynamic of the relationship, and realise how that shows not just one guy using another aggressively, but both caring intimately for each other and being equal in a way that's never admitted, but always there.