Anyone who gets the reference in that title is clearly a pervert. And I love you for it.
My friend Patrick came down over the bank holiday weekend. Patrick is one of those in my kink circle of friends; the circle of friends where we've pretty much all either slept with each other, randomly groped each other, or been present whilst others have been having sex amongst themselves. Think shortbus, if it was a social group, rather than a club. In some ways its surreal, and in some ways its completely comfortable and very liberal. Importantly for this post, Patrick is a pup. And whilst a bottom, he's also quite strong and likes to fight back, and wrestle, and bite, and does have a few dom tendencies in him.
Naturally, this made for an interesting weekend. It sort of all started from a message that went:
'why didn't we jump each other last time i saw you'
'cause you had a photoshoot the next day and couldn't get marked'
'oh yeah, well you should come down and rectify that'
'okey dokey then'
Whilst we quite liked each other, and I knew he was pup and he knew I liked my biting and scratching, that was about it, we'd never properly played with each other, or had a chance to explore each other's reactions, and what with both being largely sub, it was always going to be a bit of a bizarre weekend.
But of course in my world bizarre is fun, yes there was shagging, yes there was a surreal evening introducing my flatmate to flogging, pinwheels and rope, yes Patrick overpowered and screwed the hell out of me, yes he went pup and I played with him for a good while, but that's not actually what I've written this all down to blog about, this is just context for your information.
Pretty much everyone of you knows I'm kinky, perhaps not to what extent, though I'm sure this blog has gone some way towards improving that, but you do know that I'm kinky. The large majority of you probably also know/can infer that Chris is also kinky. However Chris is only really kinky by association with me. That's not to say that he doesn't enjoy it, but that it's not a natural thought process or disposition for him. As such, whilst we might have rough or aggressive sex fairly regularly, actual extended or involved kink play on any level is a rare occurrence for me, as its usually something I have to look for elsewhere.
This result of this, and of renting, where kinky tends to be hard and heavy, means I forget how sensual and intimate kink can be at times. How fulfilling to a sub. How rewarding as a dom. We spent Sunday night teaching my flatmate how floggers and pinwheels weren't about pain, its about the sensitivity of the body, about manipulating the flogger's path to affect the hit that results, a heavy thudding weighty hit, or a light stingy hit at the tip of the falls, about how you can inspire trust in someone, and take them through things they didn't think they'd ever face, or enjoy. And sometimes I forget these things myself.
It's widely recognised, at least amongst anybody I consider to be decently involved in the kink scene, that regardless of how rough, aggressive, hard, 'abusive', any particular session may be, what makes a good dom is the pre & after care. Talking someone through what's going to happen, finding out their pressure points, judging and gauging their reactions and adjusting your kink accordingly, knowing that it's not about you pushing them, but about you learning how their body works, and using their body to push themselves, holding them afterwards and helping to bring them back into themselves, to let them recover and making them feel protected. The dom doesn't need to be especially close emotionally to you to do this, but after a kink session the sub almost always feels vulnerable, and needs a body close to it on an instinctual level, to know that its not alone, to know that its safe, to know that whatever just happened, you haven't been abandoned or discarded.
I spent ages with Patrick just rubbing his tummy, him in pup mode, tongue sticking out and paws up in the air, and we both could have gladly done that for hours. I was curled up in bed last night thinking how fulfilling it had been as a sub to have some decent kink, that didn't end in getting paid, and grabbing a cab home, we could lie there and I could be taken care of. I've got a whole post to come on this dom/sub duty of care balance to come, it's been on the list of things to write, but this should come first I felt. I love Chris, but I do wish he was more naturally kink minded at times, because being tied down to the bed, blindfolded, with a hot knife on my back was a better experience, and more intimate as a submissive, than any fuck we've had.
Mood: Amused by the antics of my flatmate