I sometimes wonder if I should post about certain things on this. There's no active reason to post about them, but they're parts of my life that I never tell the truth about, and I know that I'm not telling the truth about them, and I know what the truth actually is, but there are parts of my life I'm ashamed of, parts of my life I don't want anyone to know about, parts I don't want to admit to, and parts I don't want to face up to.
Sure, everyone has secrets, and there are some secrets that you need, because they keep you sane, and because they make life run without a hollyoaks-style drama every single day. There are some fundamental things about yourself you never reveal to anyone, not your parents, your brother, your best friend, your partner; there are parts of you that you just can't even into words, because the hurt is too great, because it's too traumatic, because you're too ashamed, because its the ugly truth.
But that's not really the point of this blog. The whole idea is that I do admit to the things I otherwise wouldn't say to people, the hard cold facts about me, about what goes through my head, and the things that I've not been honest about with those closest to me.
But then, I'm scared. Of what those people would think of me if I admitted these things. Sure they love me, and yes I'm all emo and troubled and damaged and have bad things in my past. But there are some truly dark things back there; some very old skeletons buried very deep in my non-gay closet. Would you think differently of me? Would you wonder why I lied to you, when I know you'd still accept me, even if you did think of me differently? Would you ask why I told you half the truth, when I could have just told you nothing at all instead? Would you want to know why these things ever occured in the first place? Would you still love me if I told you I bury it so deep, because it's not my past, it's my present too, I just don't want anyone to know? Would I have answers to any of these things?
Maybe some things aren't meant to be shared. Ever. Maybe there are secrets you take to your grave, to protect yourself, if not those around you. I'm certainly not ready to share them with you just yet...
Mood: Good weekend