No longer as truthful as should be deserved, some names, places and events deliberately vague to protect identities that aren't mine

Friday, 23 July 2010

Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em

Eurgh, parents, mothers.

Does anyone else have the problem that despite being twenty-something, and it being a temporary measure, anytime you start to raise your voice slightly, sound incredulous, or take offence to anything your parents are saying they start telling you to calm down, that they're just 'asking', just trying to have a conversation etc. Like when you were a little kid and any hint of being upset was just an indication that you were tired and it was time for bed. I just got a variation of the 'whilst under our roof, our rules etc' talk from my mother, mostly because I refuse to tell her anything about what's going on with me and Chris at the moment. Frankly, its between the two of us; if I felt like discussing it with my mother I would, and I get that some people would want to discuss it with their parents, but considering my parents don't know half of the stuff going on in my relationship, I really don't. Though at the rate she keeps pressuring me I'm going to crack and tell her everything, the kink, the being in love with other boys, the renting, but I'd like to have my escape plan firmly set before fully committing to that method of attack.

I get that she's concerned, I get that I don't tell them much about what's going on in my life, I get that all I want to do is hide in my room (in part, to avoid being confronted with further attempts at getting information out of me), and that people ask her what my plans are for next year, or why I came back from the US early, and she can't answer. For some of these things, she should really accept that I honestly don't know, yes she would know if she was in that position, but I don't live my life in the same way. And there are parts of my life I don't care to share with my parents, I'm grateful for their support, for it being without condition, but that's the point, I very obviously don't want to talk about these things, I could use your support, but I need you to trust me that I have my reasons, and my parents and I have never had a lot of trust for each other on those kind of things. I was told earlier that I'd just dropped the not going to PwC thing on them suddenly and changed my mind on the spur of the moment without warning and been lying to them the whole time telling them what they wanted to hear, WTF?! What about the solid summer of arguing, I made my decision rather late yes, but that's because rather pivotal information regarding my fee liability, i.e. the difference between 10k and 30k only came to light 7 days before I was due to start, I really couldn't help that one. But we'd been arguing like hell over it for like 3 months up to then.

This is all because I've spent too much time back at my parents with no obvious sign of leaving. I have a rule, max 2 weeks stay at theirs in any one period; any longer and it all starts to break down, and my dad and I end up at serious risk of repeating my 16th year when we actually came to blows during one argument. I've been here 12 days and the above is happening, go figure.


In conclusion, I NEED to get out of here ASAP. ANYONE, with a spare couch/bit of floor ANYWHERE (though london is of course ideal), who can put me up for a few days, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me come seek refuge with you ASAP! Before the hellmouth opens in a small country village somewhere in the home counties.

Sunday, 18 July 2010

Mantra

What's life without a constant train wreck?

Continuation

One day...

Airport boy, will also buy me the locker edition of High School Musical, just 'cause he knows how fucking much I love that shit.

Saturday, 17 July 2010

Nuptial Complications

"Inside that box are the most perfect wedding shoes ever, both visually stunning and cleated and I won't be able to wear them since I obviously wont be making the date for Emmet's fantasy baseball wedding, givenI don't have a chance of getting those important congresspeople to cosponsor my bill, which I need in order to get a hearing, in order to stop animal testing in order to reunite bruiser with his mothe,r in order to have them at my wedding, at which I was going to wear the most perfect wedding shoes ever, right inside that box."


"... They never covered this in the handbook."

Friday, 16 July 2010

Not that kind of painslut

Chris got his first proper insight into hospitals and me over the last 2 days, which is impressive that it's been 5 1/2 years before he's been forced into that position.  My stomach cramping from 3 weeks ago was still occuring and in fact had got really bad.  Monday I'd been to A&E who had decided it wasn't appendicitis and sent me home with some painkillers.  Thursday found me in Addenbrookes A&E as the problem still hadn't gone away, and I was generally finding it hard to do anything except cry out in pain.  I wasn't spasming like I normally do, it was more like a sine wave; except the peaks were a lot lot longer than the troughs :(  Anyhoo, 6 hours of A&E later, they'd decided there was nothing medically wrong with me, but as I was at Addenbrookes, they had a giant stack of notes in the system that said there's never been anything medically wrong with me, but I'm still FUCKED, so they transferred me to the wards and gave me morphine, which finally made the pain, not go away, but at least so I could function.  I was poked about half a dozen times by different people, and eventually after 3 surgical visits they decided an ultrasound and surgical investigation the next day was the way forward.  Fair enough, but this meant spending a night in hospital, and i HATE spending time in hospitals - too many bad experiences, it tends to make me irritable, angry, sullen, and depressed all at once.  It also meant no food or drink, boo.  Up on the wards things slowed to their usual halt that they do outside of the A&E dept, I eventually got more morphine, and they were even nice enough to hook me up to an IV feed of paracetamol to see me through the night, which it didn't of course.

I'd also forgotten just how much sleeping with a cannula in your arm fucking hurts.  Anyway, 9am the next day the consultant turns up, announces he's cancelled my ultrasound and surgical investigation as he sees no point in it, that I can eat and I should be able to go home later that day.  I tried arguing him.  It wasn't worth it.  I gave up.  Nurses throughout the day tried to give me paracetamol instead of morphine as painkiller, which wasn't working; they also tried to give me various drugs that I've had before that have no effect, such as various anti-spasmodics (as discussed, I wasn't spasming though), or others that have in the past made me projectile vomit 30ft.

The consultant never reappeared.  Being the weekend, I was unlikely to get a rearranged surgical consult or ultrasound or ct-scan in the next 2 days, and wasn't about to spend a needless 48 hours in my personal version of hell on earth.  After effectively waiting 12 hours and counting for someone to come discharge me during the day, I eventually got up and left: jacked up on morphine, cannula still sticking out of my arm and orderlies chasing me down the corridor.  At least I have style.

I really hate hospitals.
And I really hate consultants.  They come see you for 5 minutes each day (10 if you get an afternoon round too), and think they know everything about you, cancel and rearrange all the things the other doctors and nurses have arranged for you, and generally fuck up your stay in hospital making it last much much longer than it should have done.  For all that my trip to hospital did, I might as well have stayed in bed groaning to myself.

Next time I'm going to the US for 3 weeks, and then in the 2nd week going to A&E and getting investigated there.  Where the NHS hate to give you anything as it costs them, the US will give you everything you haven't even asked for, as it costs you, which in my case will be my insurance.


In other news, conversations did not go quite as expected.  And were interrupted halfway through, in part due to the above.  Which now leaves it in an even more akward situation.  It doesn't make sense to recover the old ground, but the second half doesn't really make sense out of the blue without the first half being in the immediate past.  Hmmm... things to come.

Monday, 12 July 2010

The Old Glove

It fits so well. Its moulded to you. It's soft and pliable and bends around every curve in just the right way at the right places. Experience has taught it to be comfortable, like nothing else could be. When the cold sets in and you slip it back on, you wonder why you ever took it off. Why you ever forsook it. Even in the warm, this glove could be cooling and protective...




But the years have worn it down. It has holes. The thread is thin and fragile. As comfortable and familiar as it is, it doesn't function fully anymore, it doesn't keep you dry, or stop your fingers from freezing, it's too delicate to do that anymore. But you don't throw it out, you don't buy new gloves, because you've had this one so long you can't imagine anything else, because you don't want to have to work in a new pair and turn something ordinary and standard into something personal and form fitted all over again. But one day, that glove will break, and you'll be left with nothing but old thread to throw out.

Sunday, 11 July 2010

Zaphod's jus' zis guy...

One day, a guy will take me to the airport.  He'll take the day off work and drive me there even when my flight's at 3 in the morning.  He'll hold me and kiss me and not want to let me go.  He'll give me something to remember him by, something personal; maybe he made it, maybe its something that has a particular memory associated with it, but its something that everytime i see, read, hear, look at, smell, hold, I'll think of him.
 
And when I come back, he'll be waiting at arrivals.  I won't have had to tell him anything; he'll have had the date, time, and flight details down in his diary for ages.  And he doesn't even need it in his diary cause its etched into his memory anyway.  He'll have done all the washing and reordered the DVDs the day before, only because he couldn't come get me then.  He'll be one of the first people waiting at the arrivals hall because he was than eager to see me again.  He'll give me flowers, or a stuffed animal with my name on the foot, or chocolate milk, and he'll give me a big hug, and a kiss, in front of everyone else there, not caring what they think, or if its so sickeningly trite and gay that they want to vomit, or hit us or something.  And then he'll take my bag, and he'll take my hand, and lead me back to his car, and drive me home.
 
And if we're both up for it, maybe he pulls over half way home and fucks the hell out of me to say welcome home XD.  And at home, my friends will be there waiting for me, with a cooked meal, and alcohol, and they'll have the sense to either eat, say their helloes and then leave, or to stay talking and drinking about nothing until the next sunrise according to how drained I feel after travelling.  And then I'll get into bed with this guy, and he'll curl himself around me, and tell me he loves me, that he doesn't care what happened whilst I was away, who I saw, who I fucked, who he fucked, he just cares that I'm home and with him.  And then I'll finally fall asleep.
 
And I know there's practical issues with this; Chris and I don't live together, he needs to learn to drive, etc.  But like I say, one day...
 
 
Yeah... I'm not as out and out bad boy as I seem at the end of the day.
 
 
Post factum scribendumque:
Chris had chocolate milk.  Hehe.  And I hadn't even had a chance to post this at the time.  There's hope yet...  Unfortunately my stomach feels like hell again; milk is thus good as it gives me something to line my digestive system with, but at the same time its a really heavy substance to hit the stomach, especially in warm weather.

Kudos America

Forgive the rather redundant statement, but everything here is so fucking North American.  It's the culture of entitlement.  I paid for a drink; I deserve unlimited refills.  I deserve to be able to use my laptop on a plane.  I deserve in flight entertainment systems.  i deserve an airline that caters to my dietary needs, even though I gave no prior notice to them.  I deserve to supersize.  I deserve to tell you exactly how I want my order, but I won't make it myself.  I want my phone to work anywhere and everywhere I am.  I want to be able to plug in anywhere to recharge the battery.  My music and my movies should be accessible anywhere anytime on any medium.  Yes, this is the sentiment that equally leads the culture of suing and counter-suing.  It's like anarcho-capitalism on a practical level.  You have something I don't and I want, so I will bring you back down to the level of the common people by force.  Except I shall do it to such an outrageous and disproportionate level that it shall elevate me beyond the level where I need to worry about being dragged down myself, and your eternal soul will still be paying my ass off, regardless of who gets into heaven or hell.  But anyway...
 
I don't entirely consider this a bad thing.  I think it's this mentality in America that drives progress.  That is delivering 4G to us.  That has already conceived and mapped out 5G.  That pushes to work out how to maintain a consistent, high speed internet connection at 36000 feet.  That puts a satellite phone in every single seat even in economy class.  That says I want to seamlessly travel between the subway, the sidewalk, a concrete and steel frame building, an underground complex, an airport, a private boat off the coast, and still have all my technology work, and integrate perfectly with the outside world at times.  That provides an increasing number of cities with free, open access wifi networks over their entire metropolitan area.  I want twitter to track my location, whether I update it by email, text, web, api, or neurotransmitter.  I want to know exactly where all of my friends are.  I want to be able to cruise using my mp3 player.  I think America is driving force behind actually realising the filmic not-all-that distant future we see in Minority Report, I Robot, Star Trek, etc.  Not the companies, not the government, not the militaries; its nothing to do with the big bucks that actually finance the research.  The research is happening because every American believes that they have an indelible unalienable right to experience that future, for it to be now.
 
Kudos to America.  For better or worse.
 
 
Addendum:
You know what I've just realised.  If I end up going back to the US this year with the band tour, I'll be there for late Sept & October.  And Lifehouse are coming to London for the first time in 8 years on October 4th/5th.  Which I already have tickets to.  Both dates.  F.M.L.
 
Etiam Addendumque:
Chris told me I've half scuppered reasons to move to the US by falling for Terence.  Even on the West Coast, where there'd be about the same distance and cost to separate us, he says there's not enough international borders between us for him to be comfortable at that stage.   Heh.  :P

Saturday, 10 July 2010

Despite the heat it'll be all right...

You should ALL get that reference.  If you don't, go get a musical education before proceeding.


The city was in heat today.  The kind that happens after weeks of an unbroken heatwave.  When life only goes on because it has to.  The sky wanted to rain.  The already overwhelming humidity jumps up several logarithms and the entire city goes on edge.  Like the moment before a climax.  Everyone is waiting for it, wants it, craves it, needs it.  The release will give them the energy to face it all over again.  People come outside onto the streets; heads look upwards; mouths open.  They're all asking for the same thing.  Everyone peaks, you can feel the need of the people, their anticipation, everything that's built up ready to be unleashed carefree and wanton, in the way that only nature and god can provide; the ecstasy of grief, the clarity of hatred and all that.  You can't recreate this, and not on so large a scale, it has to come from the natural rhythms of life.

And then it didn't rain.  The disappointment, the tension, the silent cry of frustration in everyone's throat, face, eyes, their entire bodies, all angry at the denial of what was promised.  At the need to wait again, the torturous suffering that they must continue to endure until such time as the world decides "enough".  Pure passion at its finest.  It was beautifully tragic.  I loved it.


Currently in Newark Airport, waiting for my flight to Toronto, and then my connection to LHR.  Trying not to have panic attacks every 5 minutes over what's gonna happen when I get home.  Too much shit going on.  Head too screwed up.  Life's gonna change one way or the other; I just don't know which way yet.  And if anyone in London has/knows of someone with a spare room/couch space they don't mind giving me for a week or two, so i can sort out my life, earn some money by selling my ass, and thus aafford the deposit on a new place, that'd be stellar.  Cheers dudes.

Peace out.

Endgame

So erm, the last few days, what to say really.  Terence is still an ass.  And he's also the sweetest boy I've ever met in many ways.  He came home late, with some friend, and cooked for all of us again, whilst I was watching Elizabethtown 'cause its a shitty movie that I don't have to pay attention to.  Though with hindsight the 'substitute people' conversation in it, was not the best one to be hearing at the time.(see here for a comment on such things)

Now of course, I couldn't yell at him like I wanted to, so instead i acted pissed and ended up sitting next to him both quiet on laptops talking on facebook, and I yelled at him that way.  The boy is as smart as I say he is.  He knew what was going on.  And more importantly he knew exactly why I was pissed: because I shouldn't be, because I'm not allowed to be.  And as he pointed out, we've hated each other since we met.  We fell for each other cursing each other like hell, in the true meaning of curse, not just swearing loudly, we called down every damnation, punishment, slur, insult and general bad wishes against each other that we could when we realised we loved each other.  So its kind of in our nature, to be pissed at each other, to hate each other, to hate what we make each other feel and wish that the other had never become a part of our lives.  And at the same time, we love all of those things too.

He made good though, we made each other feel crappy as hell, but we both made good in the end.  I kinda wish I wasn't leaving; I'd be leaving Terence anyway, but I'd still be in the US.  But at the same time, I wish i was already home.  I don't like being in the state of transit at times like this, I just want to be one way or the other.  Part of me thinks changing my tickets was a bad idea, part of me knows coming in the first place was a bad idea.

My heart keeps thumping against my chest.  You know to the extent where you can feel it?  And it was doing so the day before, but that was out of pain and hurt.  Last night it was a happy hurt.  And now its the hurt of loss, grief almost.  I spent the entire train journey between Providence and Boston crying.  And you all should know by now that I really don't cry easily.  It was so bad even Joel noticed from 4000 miles away and sent me a text asking what the hell was going on with me.  I think part of it is the aries boy in me, that loves the new, the thrill of the chase, and that's something I get doing this, and it means it hurts all the more.  But I would rather suffer one week of hell, and know that I lived for just a brief moment, than be left with a dull absent ache for a lifetime.

This is why I'm probably not good for anyone else, or for relationships; I'm always looking for that new thrill, I'd do it with anyone, it just happens to be that Chris is on the recieving end by random circumstance of the universe.  And that really isn't fair to him.  But at the same time I'm never going to stop.  Stalemate?

Sometimes I meet people in the world that are like me in certain aspects, and it shocks me, because these are aspects of me that seem almost foolish or from a bygone era, and I don't expect it in others because no-one else does it.  And then I meet people like Joel, who are as loyal a friend as I am, to a complete fault, and to their likely eventual downfall.  Or Terence, who was upset i was leaving because he was planning to surprise me by visiting me on the cape in August.  No-one does that for me, I'm not used to it; I'm the one who chases people across oceans and continents, apparently there's someone else in the world who does too.  I just ran away before he got the chance to :P  But its sweet, really really sweet.  And he knows it'ld work on me, cause he can read people.  That's why he's so smart.  He works with disabled kids, he has his own psych issues, he deals with psych issues in others.  He knows why people do and want the things they want.

And as a result, he was sensible, and was strong and restrained for the last 2 weeks, which I hate, but will probably appreciate in the long run.  As he said, its crazy to want to move 4000 miles for someone that whilst you love, you barely know, but if he asked, I probably would, cause that's the moment when reason and logic don't matter any more.  Of course, then Chris would ask me to move back and I'd do that in a heartbeat too.


So I had 2 hours to kill in Boston earlier.  Lugging round a 30lb rucksack with me at the same time was not so much  fun, but I really liked it.  Terence had taken me round Boston when he'd picked me up 2 weeks ago, so I at least had a vague concept of the city.  The hour and 20 minutes i took (after accounting for time to pick up the tickets and queue for a good seat on the bus) left me with enough time to go visit Downtown Crossing, 'cause its automatically in my head any time I end up in Boston, hence the previous blog post.  I saw the old city hall, the state hall, and walked down through Boston Common before swinging back via Chinatown towards South Station.  Boston really is a beautiful city.  I had the same feeling I had walking round San Francisco or Rome for the first time properly; I could live here, this could be 'home'.  Nowhere is really home for me.  Even London, as unique and special as it is in the world, I love because its the only place I can love in the UK, I have nothing else, but I always wanted to move to the US anyway, just now I have a choice of East Coast or West Coast.  I just need to convince Chris on Boston too.  At least it has good public transit and downtown is small enough to walk around comfortably (when not carrying a fair proportion of your body weight in addition).

Friday, 9 July 2010

I know where I've been...

So there I was, innocently wandering around Downtown Crossing whilst listening to Boston, and then I paid proper attention to the lyrics.  Yeah... On reflection, this was not the best song to be listening to today...

all the cities in the world
and so very little time and

so many different girls... 
all you have to do is find them
there's a wealth of opportunity you plan your trips accordingly
a pity but the pretty ones are usually more touristy
say how'd you like to run away from these machines?
everywhere the spies are printing out your dreams
seven stops in seven different countries
seven page itineraries memories thick as bloody marys jesus jospeh bloody hell

right now were here in boston
in love with downtown crossing

new york will still be there in the morning
come back to bed my darling

four years thrown away on vows we never kept
forty-five minutes every day religiously devoted to regret

time we could have spent on medication thrown away on education
and we planned to take a trip to scotland but we never made it
how'd you like to run away from these machines?
i had julians and steves
you had julias and jeanette s
you wear your terror on your sleeve for all the men i haven't met (yet)
i had oliver in potsdam you had elanor in amsterdam
we're keeping track so carefully we've missed the state we're in completely
honestly your foot is out the door and i've got scores of offers elsewhere and keep both
feet planted firmly in the air
and tomorrow you can totally erase me from your mind but trust me everything is fine
because
right now we're here in boston
in my apartment in the south end
forget your friends in london
come back to bed my darling


you can put the details in a letter

the more embarrassing the better
right now i can be happy if i choose to
i know that in the morning i will lose you....

and maybe you'll go mad

and maybe ill go gray

and pack up to berlin
or maybe it wont matter anyway
we'll find out that your mom was right and you'll admit you're really gay
and maybe ill wake up
in a city far away
or maybe we'll make up
and buy a house and have a couple kids and labrador and microwave
but anyway
right now we're here in boston
in eden where you almost pulled your pants down
don't worry who these jokes will all be lost on
come back to bed my darling
there is nothing in the world that we can count on
even that we will wake up is an assumption
but i know for a fact that i loved someone
and for about a year he lived in boston...
The Dresden Dolls - Boston

Don't you just hate it when someone has written down your life exactly in musical form years before you lived it?


Mood:  Feeling very much like Holly Golightly recently; I don't want to belong to anyone, and I want no-one to belong to me.

The wrong place at the wrong time

I'm in a self destructive mood, so try to take this with a pinch of salt, but its the way I feel at the moment, so I'm blogging it.

I love Chris.
I love Jack.
I love Terence.

With Jack, nothing between us would ever work, we would be the star crossed pair, and our lives would wind back and forth missing each other and colliding with catastrophic force alternately.  It wouldn't be good for anybody.  We both know this and accept this.  There is a part of us that loves each other, that complete each other, that thousands of years after we're dead will still be connected to each other, regardless of the existence of any afterlife or not.  But for now, we are not the people for each other, we're in the wrong places, in the wrong times, like River Song and the Doctor.  What we feel for each other is like an echo of what we're supposed to feel, what we did, or will one day.  For lack of a better way of putting it, our souls recognise each other, they recognise the perfect fit with each other, even though we're not meant to be together right at this point in time.  So we accept it, and we move on, and once in a while, we admit there is/was the possibility of something greater.

When Terence was talking about me being a best friend last night I looked at him oddly, not just cause it hurt, but because Terence and I would make one hell of an odd couple being best friends; wierder than me and Jme, or me and Joel, or whatever.  But he did have some method to his madness.  As he pointed out, we'd get each other into constant trouble, but we'd get each other into different kinds of trouble than we wouldn't otherwise find on our own.  And to complement that, we'd probably be the only other person willing enough to along with each other's crazy schemes.  Yeah it would work, in its ownn little bizzare way.  But there are feelings beyond just really close best friends who fuck each other as well.  But we both fully agree that once again, we're in the wrong places at the wrong time.  We live 4000 miles away, we know totally different kinds of people, we don't have the chance, and never would do, to discover anything about any form of 'us'.  Where Jack is in the wrong time, Terence is in the wrong life.  In some alternative universe, or reincarnation of ourselves, we'd be together, but this one isn't it.  The wrong people in the wrong places at the wrong time.

And every once in a while, I have similar thoughts about Chris.  I had them when I was emo and we were falling apart several months ago, and I had them when I started this trip.  Again, it doesn't mean I don't love Chris, it's just that we're completely different people, we're not the kind each other would go for, and we don't enjoy a lot of the same things.  We don't react the same.  And I don't mean to everyday life; it'd be boring if they reacted the same, and part of the thing Chris and I like about each other is that we often have conflicting viewpoints.  But we don't react emotionally consistently, and we don't operate on the same emotional basis, where Jack and Terence and I do, and that means we often fuck things up in making/keeping the other one upset with us.  Importantly, we don't have the same priorities.  I think we want very different things out of life, and whilst there's always some compromise in any relationship, I think the things we want, and where we see ourselves at and going to, and where we intend to be 30 years down the line, are too different at times.  At the end of the day I'm a commitmentphobe, so I'm always gonna have thoughts like this from time to time, and moving in with Chris, as nice in some ways as it will be, does make this kind of sentiment far far worse, but I'm sure this thought as a whole creeps into my head about Chris far too much for someone who's supposed to be the owned fiance of the guy.  But then we both admit that we're both shit scared of breaking it up, so do we just stay together for the non-existent kids when it should have died long ago?  Or do I over analyse and get scared and want to break it up and end up blogging about it thereby making the problem worse cause Chris gets upset and paranoid?


These are the kind of reasons I wish I was emotionally dead inside.

Thursday, 8 July 2010

Well at least Chris will like this one.

So in an ironic twist to the post I made last night, the summary of this morning's one is: Terence is an ass.  And worst of all I can't really even hold him to account for it.  I have no claim to him, no hold over him, he owes me nothing, we never agreed to anything between each other, and I always knew and admitted that Terence was a bad boy, the kind who would hurt you no matter how forgiving and accepting you were.  That just doesn't make it hurt any less when it happens.  And it doesn't mean I expected it quite this soon in the complete absence of a relationship that exists between us.

For obvious reasons, Terence and I have had to be fairly careful and restricted with our emotions around each other over the past 2 weeks, especially when staying at Patrick's house on the Cape with everyone else.  Our crappy stomachs have meant we've only had sex once and generally there's been relatively little touching of each other in any sexual or romantic way.  But I didn't really care.  I was happy for the little bits and pieces I was getting; I was happy to be around him; I was happy cause when he did show affection it was done in such well orchestrated way that it left me smiling for 20 minutes afterwards each time.

Tuesday night was stupidly hot, and so Terence dragged the mattress into the ex's room because it had a/c.  Awkward, and irritating, as being in bed with T was one of the little bits of time that I did get him properly for, but fine.  And this was after the ex had been invited along to the movie theatre with us that night to watch twilight, so I couldn't even sit there and hold his hand in the dark.  And Terence isn't a subtle boy either, the plot of the third twilight is basically my life; I am Bella.  And the boy knew that wouldn't pass me by, nor would it pass me by that he took me to see it for that reason.  Whatever.  Not the best time but dealable.

Then last night happened.  I have to be up early Friday morning to travel down to DC, so last night was basically my last full night where nothing mattered with Terence.  We were watching the final LOTR in his room, getting high and drinking.  He was being a lot more affectionate than usual, and I loved that.  It was gonna be a great way to say goodbye to someone I'll hurt for for god knows how long before I see him next, for someone that this might have been my first, last and only time to really see him since I initially fell for him.

Then Terence told me his friend was gonna come over.  Ug.  Idiot boy.  So the friend comes over and we continue to smoke and drink, the boy handrolls his own cigar for some reason.  And after about 15 minutes Terence and the boy start heavily making out.  Gee.  Fun.  And no, this wasn't an invitation for me to join in either, when the boy was invited over I'd made some flippant comment about "so I can sleep with him him then?", to which T's response was "errr no, you couldn't, i could".  That kinda makes that one fairly obvious.  And besides which, whilst I know I went off for two hookups the other day whilst T was at work, and whilst I'd have been perfectly fine with T coming back from work late cause he was nailing some boy on his way home, it being right next to me is different,  and I'd at least like to have agreed to a potential threeway first if that's the way things were supposed to develop.

So I went to bug the ex, and the guy he had over, who was one of the Cape boys that we'd met, but that could only last so long as that was an obvious hookup, so after a while Terence asked me to go "play downstairs".  No, I have no idea why that boy does not have a knife wound in him today either.

And what's really fucked up, is that I know how intelligent Terence is.  I know this wasn't him being obtuse and ignorant.  I know he'll have intended to piss me off like this.  So that I won't have a dream perfect 2 week memory of staying with him.  So I'll be forcibly reminded of all the reasons we're not right  for each other.  So I'll go running back to Chris saying the mean bigger boy hurt me.  And he really didn't need to do all that for it.  I would have done that myself anyway.  Now, I just have fucked up memories of a week where he avoided touching me, and when he got horny, practically screwed a boy right next to me.  Frankly, the people who pay me have more respect for me than Terence did last night.

Earlier on Wednesday Terence had been talking to someone and said "I'll miss eddie when he's gone", to which the friend replied "of course you will, he's your friend".  T's response was then: "no, i think if he lived here he'd be like my best friend".  That's like being stabbed with a knife wrapped in velvet.

I want to hate him, he knows I want to, and that's what he set out to do, but I always knew this was coming, and what annoys the hell out of me is however much I hate him, and hit him, and all that, 3 months from now, I'll still be in love with him, 'cause part of me falling in love with someone means it doesn't matter if they become the next Hitler; I will still love them, even if I don't like them.

Truths and Untruths

Are Americans more likely to be old school romantic?  Or to look for it?  A friend who's been spending a lot of time with a guy said if he had the boy's address and money he'd send a single lily to his house for when he got home.  That's so sweet it makes me want to vomit.  And I wish someone would do that for me.  Terence as I've already cited is a big cuddly carebear on the inside.  Pilar is looking for the guy who will court her in the old fashion.  Patrick and Nate live the practically married life in a woodframe house on Cape Cod.  US teen films revolve around people driving across the country on a whim for the person they love, or trying to get laid and falling for someone instead.  Maybe the British are too formal and uppity to go in for that kind of cheese nowadays.   The stiff upper lip means we can't let ourselves go enough to show how we really feel about people for fear of making a fool of ourselves.  And whilst I don't want the stepford life 24/7, coming home to dinner on a candlelit table, or being taken out to see a crappy movie, or being given a rose for no reason still makes a boy smile on the inside.

That said... at least the UK and EU are much more liberal in their attitudes to sex.  You know that scene in Love Actually where dumbass Nick goes to America and gets all the girls, i dunno about the straight US world, but its definitely like that for a gay boy in the US.  Between the US being  a lot more obvious and straightforward with their cruising, and being British meaning I'm a lot more forward in saying what I want beyond that point, I can pretty much get anything here.  In the UK we play our games and do our dance before admitting we like each other; in the US they do it after before admittinig just how much they like each other.  Same shit, different country.


Anyway, I started  this post to write about something that was going to be telling the truth that i wasn't saying to people's faces, like ya know, the whole point of the blog beyond me generally bitching about the state of the world, but then shit happened and I ended up saying it to their faces instead, so now its not so much a half truth, but nonetheless I'll tell you anyway.  So Matt (T's ex) had invited himself along to this weekend on the Cape and Terence, being a sucker for a boy who cries, ended up agreeing to take him in the car 'cause he's an idiot.  Sunday night, when we were out in Ptown at a beach house that Terence's friend/possible future boy/love interest Bobby was staying at, all hell broke loose between Matt and Terence.  Matt had been trying to hook up with this twinky boy Mark all night, which pissed Terence off 'cause he thought it was rude and insensitive to do that in front of him when they're still very much in the post-breakup phase, despite the fact Terence had been telling me all week that he was gonna break Matt's heart by being with Bobby that weekend but whatever.  Anyway, Terence got pissed, decided it was time to leave, and Matt had to chase after us; a 2.5 mile walk back ensued with T and Matt arguing over their relationship and me biting my lip not to involve myself.  It was a case of I could either walk by them and say nothing, or get involved and really start something.  But there were so many times when I wanted to.  When Terence said he was nowhere near as bad as Matt during the relationship.  When Matt said the rumours he'd cheated were just that and terence was making them up in his head, despite the fact we'd both been there when matt's friend adam had said it was true to the both of us.  I thought I was gonna come up when Matt started talking about how many boys Terence had screwed.  I dunno if I didn't because Matt is genuinely that oblivious, or out of some sense of propriety that I was there.  If he had I probably would have hit him.  I came close to many many times, I had a permenant fist in my hand whilst walking.  And Terence wouldn't have stopped me.  But I was a good boy

A while later Matt tried starting a conversation with me, and I think he was a little shocked when I told him that I would happily hit him if he tried talking about it and getting me on his side.  Whilst there is much more than I admitted to with him to it, it holds true for what I did say; Terence is my friend, and thus I will be loyal to him to a fault.  I don't care whether he's right, or wrong, or I believe in him or not, I will stand by him; I will hold his hand and pick him up off the ground.  I will protect him and fight for him no matter what, against whatever odds, because that's what I do for my friends.  And when I'm in love with the boy, my loyalty is pretty much lethal.  But as I say, this isn't so secret anymore, because I made it perfectly clear to matt that whilst I will gladly be civil to him, I am not his friend, and unlikely to become so under the circumstances.

Wednesday, 7 July 2010

Building an A.R.K.

Today has been a day of amazing friends.

Firstly, I'm with Terence, which is automatically awesome.
Secondly, I rang Joel and got to speak to him which is great cause I was missing him; we've been talking on msn and we have the linkyness and shit, but this is probably gonna be the longest we've ever not seen each other for since we properly met.
Thirdly, my friend Ryan, AKA Vampy, did something outstanding for me.  I'd spoken to him the other day and he asked how I was doing and I mentioned I was broke as hell.  Today, £200 appeared in my account from him.  That the boy sent from Australia.  Now granted, I'd helped him out when he'd been in the UK and broke and falling apart, but it was still an amazing thing to do from an entire world away.
Fourthly, Topher, a guy I met at the house I was staying at on the Cape last weekend, put me in contact with someone in NYC, who *might* at some point in the random future, be able to point me in the direction of some teching jobs in the city.  It's always been part of my big evil world takeover plan to move to the US permenantly (Chris knows this, he just hasn't accepted it yet :P), and even if this just leads to random festival jobs or whatever, its a foot in the door and one step on my way towards getting there.  Yes yes, i know if anything serious ever happened there would be big discussions to happen, with Chris first and foremost, as despite all my wants and intentions and plans to move out of the UK that I've had since I can remember, I genuinely doubt I'd ever get Chris on board with them, but a boy can dream whilst he's still just dealing with the possbility of more to come...


Chris and I are somewhat talking again; the boy got a 2.1 he found out today so he can now stop worrying about how shit he did/didn't do in his exams :P  But I still have the feeling there's worse conversations to come at some point.  Yes yes I bring it on mysellf and all that, but do you know how sucky it is to live with the knowledge that if your relationship doesn't work out, it WILL have been ultimately your fault?  If only Chris was on meds or something so at least there was the 0.00001% possibility he'd stop taking them and go psycho on my ass one day I'd feel better, but no, if it should ever fuck up, its down to me, pure and simple.  Man that makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside.


I've booked the bus down to DC to visit my friend Sean.  I'm currently trying to work out where to spend 2 weeks after that, I'd like to go to CA, Canada is a possibility as I have a shag/friend that will put me up in Toronto, and JetBlue are offering $100 tickets to the Bahamas, which is rather tempting really.  We shall see...

Crappy assed vampires

So Twilight is like the suckiest movie series ever.  Really.  It's like the Young Adult version of a Mills & Boon novel where one of the boys in the love triangle was born with some form of medical defect that gives him sharp pointy teeth and a permanent need for fashion contact lenses.

For those, like me, who previously cared not one iota for this lameass attempt at a novel/film/career concept, the 3rd instalment of it was released this past week.  Terence made me watch the first two last week and they were dull as hell.  And then as its $6 movie tuesday in the US, we went to see the new one tonight.  For some reason the ex was invited along, which meant no getting to enjoy being in a movie theatre with Terence at the least, god dammit.  Who in the hell's crappy idea was that?!  Also, apparently my spellchecker does not have the word 'movie' in it, huh?!

Eclipse managed to do something I didn't think was possible - it was suckier than the 2 previous ones COMBINED.  Seriously.  I mean this is supposed to be the big vamps vs. weres film, where things actually happen finally, and everything starts to come together and the boys fight it out over the unattractive prepubescent 'i'm so hardcore' girl's heart and such, and what it actually was, was 2 hours of filler, of back aand forth, and warning glaredowns and awkward shy 'i know that you know that i love that you love that you know that i know that you love that i love you' for a 5 minute fight scene which was pretty much one sided and boring aside from a few bits of head wrenching.  There were some entertaining lines of dialogue, mostly the ones that pretty much broke the 4th wall concept.  And the bride vampire and dakota fanning 'i am the evil bitch from hell who will hunt you to your death across the 4 corners of the globe and then kill your family in front of you just for shits and giggles' were AMAZING and i want to be them.  But that aside, it was COMPLETE BULLSHIT.

Unfortunately, I've now seen 3 twilight films, and there's 4 books.  Which means at some point, I am going to have to go see the next film to find out exactly what happens, even though I know it'll be 2.5 hours of my life that I will never get back and can't even trade in for store credit after death.  This probably means I will  be dragging Chris, by virtue of playing the boyfriend card.  Sorry in advance.  It's either that, or I'll have to come out to the US again and see Terence to go see the film.  And I think we know which is the lesser of the two evils there.

Its stupidly hot here, even LA is like 25F cooler for some reason.  As a result Terence has decided to drag the mattress into the ex's room as it has air conditioning.  WHAT.  THE.  FUCK.  Can you say awkward/inappropriate/holyfuckingmotherofgodwhatareyouon?  Seriously dude, NOT cool.

Anyway, I feel sleepy, so I'm going to curl up in bed whilst Terence plays WoW, and try to make it not look like what it is, let alone more than...

Sunday, 4 July 2010

The Sound of North America

Welcome to New England.  I've flown 4000 miles and have found myself in Willington, Bedford, and Swansea.  'Cause Americans think Swansea is in England.

I'm currently on Cape Cod staying with friends for 4th July weekend.  For those of you living under a rock somewhere this is one of the biggest holiday weekends in the US.  The last 24 hours have involved a 5 gallon tub of sex on the beach, 3lbs of bacon, mean girls at 4am and of course fireworks.  Including one pyromaniac who decided it would be a brilliant idea to throw a whole rack of firecrackers into a firepit surrounded by people sitting 2ft away from it.  I went to get a drink when he grabbed the second  pack; it was either that or hit him.  In this country when you start a fight you get arrested.  People here don't have the british politeness and formality to not involve themselves in a dispute that is nothing to do with them and the one who throws the first or the hardest punches is generally considered the cunt,  no matter how much of an arsehole the other one was being.  So in order to avoid a premature compulsory return to the UK, I elected to remove myself from the situation.  At least all the people I'm with at the moment have learnt quickly that I might be small, but I'm not the one in the room you want to irritate.  The big shining 2-tone bruise of Terence's arm from where I  bit him whilst just playfighting in a club a week ago might have something to do with that.

We're all off to Provincetown tomorrow for 4th celebrations and the beach.  Ptown is basically the gay capital of the north eastern seaboard.  To give you an idea of just how idealistic summer vacation spot the cape is, Martha's Vineyard is just down the road.  You're never more that 6 miles from the water.  There are 500 miles of coastline here.  Fire island is between here and New York.  And I am basically staying exactly where the fictional town of Capeside, from the epic Dawson's Creek, is supposed to be.  It's fucking picture perfect.  I'd go crazy if I was here year round of course.  But there are worse places to spend a holiday...

I'm getting more soppy.  Mostly cause Terence is a complete romantic underneath it all, and keeps telling me stories of things that have happened with his ex.  Anniversary scavenger hunts, valentines meals, that sort of stuff.  And Terence eats that shit up.  And so do I; to a lesser extent, but as I said in the other post, I am definitely a romantic.  The little things that I remember that mean so much are so random and inconsquential, but they're my favourite bits of the relationship.  That first kiss.  Yelling at Chris 'cause I wanted to buy him a chocolate bar and he felt bad about it.  The picture on my facebook where he's separated my baked beans from my eggs and bacon using bread crusts cause I don't like the sauce contaminating everything.  And it wasn't just that he did that.  It's that he didn't roll his eyes, or laugh at me, whether it was an aww you're cute or awww you're hopeless laugh or whatever.   He just approached it as a solution to a problem that was upsetting me, did it, and presented it to me with a smile.  That's the little thing that made the difference.  That made it cute.  Just like I love that he'll get out the shower first, and grab me a towel, all whilst letting the least amount of warmth out of the cubicle first, because he knows how cold I get outside of the shower and that I need a towel or I develop near hypothermia.  Like Terence managing to find a way to give me a hug and a kiss even when standing in a room of 20 people who can't find out what we mean to each other, just to let me know even though we're just some random friends who met each other for 2 days once as far as the world is concerned, he still cares for me.  Little crappy romantic shit that costs virtually nothing really makes me smile.

My stomach is still being crappy, not seriously anymore, it's just giving me cramping pains every evening and night.  Terence and I are having so much fun both being crappy medical life fails.  His is worse is some ways, mine in others.  At least he knows what his problem is, his will just kill him at a relatively early age.  I don't think I have that problem at least, but 3 research hospitals couldn't work out what was wrong with me and no diet or course of meds ever had a consistent result.  Fun times for all.

My tag is going down a hit though.  Everyone's noticed it, and asked about it, and when told, found the concept all of incredibly kinky, incredibly hot, and incredibly adorable.  Hehe.

Arguments with the boyfriend are occurring.  For all the reasons you'd kind of expect.  And I think both of us are sick of it, and both of us have no clue what's going to happen.  Because again, referring to my previous post, this kind of state isn't sustainable.  But at the same time, it's not like I can stop hurting for 2 other people.  As far as I'm concerned, I pretty much know I'm going to fuck it all up.  It's just a case of when, how bad, and in which direction(s).  It doesn't help that I'm kind of pulling a Joel on this...

Love is not a victory march

Is it getting better
Or do you feel the same
Will it make it easier on you now 
You got someone to blame
You say...

One love
One life
When it's one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you 
Don't care for it

Did I disappoint you
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it's...

Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to 
Carry each other
Carry each other
One...

Have you come here for forgiveness
Have you come to raise the dead
Have you come here to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head

Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it's all I got
We're one
But we're not the same
Well we 
Hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say
Love is a temple
Love is a higher law
Love is a temple
Love is a higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt

One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers
One life
But we're not the same
We get to 
Carry each other
Carry each other

One...life

One
U2 - One

Thursday, 1 July 2010

Where's a good hole in the ground when you need one?!

I'm annoyed and frustrated and depressed.  I feel ill again.  Not as ill as I did the other day, the cramping hasn't started yet, but I have everything else but  that.  Fuck you world.  This probably means I'll be ill throughout 4th July weekend in Cape Cod with my friends.  This means I'll spend 10 days with  Terence, who has as big a sex drive and as twisted a mind as me, and have sex a whole 1 time.  F. M. L.

I'm sure Chris has a slight sense of rightness with the universe and smugness at all this.  And he probably deserves it.  But right now, all I wanna do is come home, cut everything out of my life again, vanish from the world, and exist totally alone with nothing around me.  I've gotta start being more of a pessimist again.  Life was easier when I stopped hoping once in a while that things were improving and getting better, only to be knocked rather forcefully back down into place, and not in the way I'd enjoy either.

And now the dull pain in my stomach has extended to being a dull pain in my chest as well.  If I'm lucky it's a heart attack.


Terence looks hot whilst he's sleeping though :)  I just wish I was well enough to wake him up ;)