No longer as truthful as should be deserved, some names, places and events deliberately vague to protect identities that aren't mine

Thursday, 8 July 2010

Well at least Chris will like this one.

So in an ironic twist to the post I made last night, the summary of this morning's one is: Terence is an ass.  And worst of all I can't really even hold him to account for it.  I have no claim to him, no hold over him, he owes me nothing, we never agreed to anything between each other, and I always knew and admitted that Terence was a bad boy, the kind who would hurt you no matter how forgiving and accepting you were.  That just doesn't make it hurt any less when it happens.  And it doesn't mean I expected it quite this soon in the complete absence of a relationship that exists between us.

For obvious reasons, Terence and I have had to be fairly careful and restricted with our emotions around each other over the past 2 weeks, especially when staying at Patrick's house on the Cape with everyone else.  Our crappy stomachs have meant we've only had sex once and generally there's been relatively little touching of each other in any sexual or romantic way.  But I didn't really care.  I was happy for the little bits and pieces I was getting; I was happy to be around him; I was happy cause when he did show affection it was done in such well orchestrated way that it left me smiling for 20 minutes afterwards each time.

Tuesday night was stupidly hot, and so Terence dragged the mattress into the ex's room because it had a/c.  Awkward, and irritating, as being in bed with T was one of the little bits of time that I did get him properly for, but fine.  And this was after the ex had been invited along to the movie theatre with us that night to watch twilight, so I couldn't even sit there and hold his hand in the dark.  And Terence isn't a subtle boy either, the plot of the third twilight is basically my life; I am Bella.  And the boy knew that wouldn't pass me by, nor would it pass me by that he took me to see it for that reason.  Whatever.  Not the best time but dealable.

Then last night happened.  I have to be up early Friday morning to travel down to DC, so last night was basically my last full night where nothing mattered with Terence.  We were watching the final LOTR in his room, getting high and drinking.  He was being a lot more affectionate than usual, and I loved that.  It was gonna be a great way to say goodbye to someone I'll hurt for for god knows how long before I see him next, for someone that this might have been my first, last and only time to really see him since I initially fell for him.

Then Terence told me his friend was gonna come over.  Ug.  Idiot boy.  So the friend comes over and we continue to smoke and drink, the boy handrolls his own cigar for some reason.  And after about 15 minutes Terence and the boy start heavily making out.  Gee.  Fun.  And no, this wasn't an invitation for me to join in either, when the boy was invited over I'd made some flippant comment about "so I can sleep with him him then?", to which T's response was "errr no, you couldn't, i could".  That kinda makes that one fairly obvious.  And besides which, whilst I know I went off for two hookups the other day whilst T was at work, and whilst I'd have been perfectly fine with T coming back from work late cause he was nailing some boy on his way home, it being right next to me is different,  and I'd at least like to have agreed to a potential threeway first if that's the way things were supposed to develop.

So I went to bug the ex, and the guy he had over, who was one of the Cape boys that we'd met, but that could only last so long as that was an obvious hookup, so after a while Terence asked me to go "play downstairs".  No, I have no idea why that boy does not have a knife wound in him today either.

And what's really fucked up, is that I know how intelligent Terence is.  I know this wasn't him being obtuse and ignorant.  I know he'll have intended to piss me off like this.  So that I won't have a dream perfect 2 week memory of staying with him.  So I'll be forcibly reminded of all the reasons we're not right  for each other.  So I'll go running back to Chris saying the mean bigger boy hurt me.  And he really didn't need to do all that for it.  I would have done that myself anyway.  Now, I just have fucked up memories of a week where he avoided touching me, and when he got horny, practically screwed a boy right next to me.  Frankly, the people who pay me have more respect for me than Terence did last night.

Earlier on Wednesday Terence had been talking to someone and said "I'll miss eddie when he's gone", to which the friend replied "of course you will, he's your friend".  T's response was then: "no, i think if he lived here he'd be like my best friend".  That's like being stabbed with a knife wrapped in velvet.

I want to hate him, he knows I want to, and that's what he set out to do, but I always knew this was coming, and what annoys the hell out of me is however much I hate him, and hit him, and all that, 3 months from now, I'll still be in love with him, 'cause part of me falling in love with someone means it doesn't matter if they become the next Hitler; I will still love them, even if I don't like them.

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