No longer as truthful as should be deserved, some names, places and events deliberately vague to protect identities that aren't mine

Friday, 9 July 2010

The wrong place at the wrong time

I'm in a self destructive mood, so try to take this with a pinch of salt, but its the way I feel at the moment, so I'm blogging it.

I love Chris.
I love Jack.
I love Terence.

With Jack, nothing between us would ever work, we would be the star crossed pair, and our lives would wind back and forth missing each other and colliding with catastrophic force alternately.  It wouldn't be good for anybody.  We both know this and accept this.  There is a part of us that loves each other, that complete each other, that thousands of years after we're dead will still be connected to each other, regardless of the existence of any afterlife or not.  But for now, we are not the people for each other, we're in the wrong places, in the wrong times, like River Song and the Doctor.  What we feel for each other is like an echo of what we're supposed to feel, what we did, or will one day.  For lack of a better way of putting it, our souls recognise each other, they recognise the perfect fit with each other, even though we're not meant to be together right at this point in time.  So we accept it, and we move on, and once in a while, we admit there is/was the possibility of something greater.

When Terence was talking about me being a best friend last night I looked at him oddly, not just cause it hurt, but because Terence and I would make one hell of an odd couple being best friends; wierder than me and Jme, or me and Joel, or whatever.  But he did have some method to his madness.  As he pointed out, we'd get each other into constant trouble, but we'd get each other into different kinds of trouble than we wouldn't otherwise find on our own.  And to complement that, we'd probably be the only other person willing enough to along with each other's crazy schemes.  Yeah it would work, in its ownn little bizzare way.  But there are feelings beyond just really close best friends who fuck each other as well.  But we both fully agree that once again, we're in the wrong places at the wrong time.  We live 4000 miles away, we know totally different kinds of people, we don't have the chance, and never would do, to discover anything about any form of 'us'.  Where Jack is in the wrong time, Terence is in the wrong life.  In some alternative universe, or reincarnation of ourselves, we'd be together, but this one isn't it.  The wrong people in the wrong places at the wrong time.

And every once in a while, I have similar thoughts about Chris.  I had them when I was emo and we were falling apart several months ago, and I had them when I started this trip.  Again, it doesn't mean I don't love Chris, it's just that we're completely different people, we're not the kind each other would go for, and we don't enjoy a lot of the same things.  We don't react the same.  And I don't mean to everyday life; it'd be boring if they reacted the same, and part of the thing Chris and I like about each other is that we often have conflicting viewpoints.  But we don't react emotionally consistently, and we don't operate on the same emotional basis, where Jack and Terence and I do, and that means we often fuck things up in making/keeping the other one upset with us.  Importantly, we don't have the same priorities.  I think we want very different things out of life, and whilst there's always some compromise in any relationship, I think the things we want, and where we see ourselves at and going to, and where we intend to be 30 years down the line, are too different at times.  At the end of the day I'm a commitmentphobe, so I'm always gonna have thoughts like this from time to time, and moving in with Chris, as nice in some ways as it will be, does make this kind of sentiment far far worse, but I'm sure this thought as a whole creeps into my head about Chris far too much for someone who's supposed to be the owned fiance of the guy.  But then we both admit that we're both shit scared of breaking it up, so do we just stay together for the non-existent kids when it should have died long ago?  Or do I over analyse and get scared and want to break it up and end up blogging about it thereby making the problem worse cause Chris gets upset and paranoid?

These are the kind of reasons I wish I was emotionally dead inside.

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