I'm doing better at the whole going through the motions thing. Actual feeling and emotional response is returning. Which is a good thing. Not completely there yet but I'm being patient, for once. Living with Chris hasn't completely driven me mad yet. Actually, my relative sanity and the fact that I haven't hit him over the head with a frying pan yet seems to be a result of the fact that I'm dreaming the crazy violent inappropriateness every night. I find myself waking up to Chris putting his arm curling up to me and putting his arm around me, just after the two of us have been punching the hell out of each other in dreamland. It's beyond surreal. Either that, or I've been dreaming about other boys, which is probably worse really.
I'm currently not sure whether this blog will continue, I still have a lot of different things going through my head and I'm sure your lives would all be much improved by knowing such things, but I've hit a rather major snag. I used to write fairly honestly about whatever was going on with me and Chris. It gave me a place to vent, and it gave Chris a vague idea of what was going on with me whenever he remembered to actually read the damned thing. However now I actually live with Chris. Which means I don't want to vent on here, only to be confronted with a what's going on, i didn't realise anything was it, i thought we were okay" panicked attack from Chris 5 minutes later. Sure I still want to sort out whatever relationship problems I inevitably develop at some point, but sometimes you need a space to vent, sometimes you need time to think, or calm down, and I wouldn't get that luxury putting it in my blog when the boy will be reading it 3ft away from me. And he wont have the time to read the whole thing, think about it, and be forced to take time by the physical practicallity of writing out a reply, he'll be reacting as he goes, at me, for better or worse. So I don't really want to discuss in detail what's going on with me and Chris anymore.
Which means, if I'm holding back such a big part of what I'm generally not truthful to a lot of people about, then what's the point in only half following through on it? I haven't decided completely whether to kill the thing or not, but that accounts for the lack of postings recently