No longer as truthful as should be deserved, some names, places and events deliberately vague to protect identities that aren't mine

Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Back to the drawing board

This post is likely to be all over the place, and for that, I apologise.  I am probably also going to cause a lot of offence, and for that, I don't.

I'm down.  And I'm trying to own my feelings and be productive about it and sort my life out, but at the end of the day, I'm still horribly depressed, and disillusioned.  What's odd is I had a pretty good run, from around the end of sixth form, through till about 2 years ago.  Sure I still got down, but I was, for me, relatively stable, though that created it's own problems as I don't deal with just being 'ok' so well.  But then things started to go all over the place again, for no obvious reason, and in the last year or so it's been really really bad, I'm ping-ponging through emotional states fast enough to give those just watching the situation whiplash these days.  But fair enough, at least I know it's for a reason nowadays; I am actually crazy, my mind doesn't work properly when it comes to this kinda stuff, and I just have to accept that and deal with it.  Like I say, I might be horribly emo, but I'm at least trying to own it.  And yes I'm sure most of you cringe horribly at that american figure of speech, but you know what it means and so I intend to use it.

So once again, I kinda lost faith in my friends.  I've been doing that on and off over the last while, and it's hard to tell if it's just my down periods, or not, but this time around, I guess I just decided whatever it is, I'm sick of it, it's another one of those feelings that I keep coming back to, so whatever the reasons for it, it's clearly important enough for my mind to dwell on.  I'm sick of being the one who always has to go to theirs, who always has to ask them what's going on, of just being the largely proactive one in most friendships I have.  Time and time again I find the people in my life can't even have the courtesy to simply get back to me either way.  And yet I get bitched at for always being the busy one, for working unsociable hours, and yet when I am free, and asking around for things to do or people to see, others can't even find the time to say "sorry i'm busy" or, "i made other plans" or even a simple "i don't feel up to it today".  I'm not asking for expensive trips to theme parks or the like here.  A 20 minute coffee would keep me pretty happy.

I'm not perfect, in fact I'm pretty damn flawed, and I'm guilty of these things, I know it, the other day my mind went so insane I couldn't even answer my phone to explain to a friend I wouldn't be coming out with him like I'd promised to.  But generally, I aim to make those instances the rare exceptions in my life.  I know I'm a good and loyal friend.  I might be late to meet them every time, but I will let them know I can meet, I will let them know I'm running late.  And if I haven't heard from them in a while, I will drop them a message to see what's up.  Maybe work is just really busy, maybe they took an impromptu holiday, maybe they lost their phone, there's logical and sensible reasons people might go silent for a while, but I do at least make the effort to notice, and ask why.  It continually bothers me that I regularly have more interaction with my american friends than I do with the large majority of people who live in the same city of me.  How do they manage to keep up with what's going on in my life and how I'm feeling and what's bothering me and find ways to distract me from my problems, when people living less than 10 miles away can't?

But yes I've considered if everyone else always seems to be the problem, maybe I'm the problem.  Maybe I expect too much of the people in my life, maybe I don't come across in the right way, maybe the people I make friends with just aren't the sort of people I imagine they are, and I don't mean that last bit as a criticism on them, genuinely.  So maybe it's time to do away with the large majority of people I've been calling friends, and populate my life with new people.  I told you I reinvent myself every so often and was long overdue.  Well here I am, no longer in a relationship, new house, aiming to change job, seems the most sensible time to change the kind of people I'm surrounded by too.

So I did the symbolic facebook friends cull.  I excepted family members and people living 50+ miles away, as I don't expect them to necessarily have that much social contact with me (and yet somehow, they probably constitute the majority of my social contact), which left me with about 40 odd people, of which maybe 10 - 15 are people I genuinely want, or still count as friends.  The remainder are pretty much either people I keep in contact with for work purposes, or partners of the 10 - 15.  And then there's the inevitable few it's just easier to keep than get rid of.  The rest of you, I don't really care for any more, and it'd be a nice vindication if that bothered you, but I'm not that foolish.  And yes, that probably includes you.

Even those who are left, I don't expect your support, or shoulder to cry on.  I'm counting myself back at square one, and yes it's hard and hellish - I know from experience - but in a nice emo/psychotic/generally antisocial way, I don't like to rely on other people too much, it always leads me to disappointment, and at least if I rely on me, I know what to expect.  Yes this is all horribly stereotypically emo and yes I'm blogging to people about it going oh woe is me pity me etc, but as stated, I don't care at the moment.  I wrote this for me and for the few people who will prove to be worthwhile friends over the next few months.  That's the beauty of a blog, you don't need justification, or reasons, you can just vomit words onto a computer screen, click send and people still read it, no matter how much they judge you about it.

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