No longer as truthful as should be deserved, some names, places and events deliberately vague to protect identities that aren't mine

Thursday, 22 September 2011


Yes I'm back.  I don't really know why I'm writing this, nobody's pissed me off especially about it or anything, it just happens to keep coming up in my life a lot at the moment and I don't really get it, or I seem odd and different, so I thought I'd post something.

So the general topic areas are kink, and open relationships I guess.  I don't really mean this as a bitch or a whine, more I just dont get it, or I don't seem to fit with what's accepted, but it'll probably come across that way anyway.

So I don't have a boyfriend these days.  I'm mostly fine with that, I've moved beyond the 'nothing serious for me now thanks' stage and am into the indeterminate 'not actively looking but if a nice boy decides to turn up and jump up and down in front of me i'm not going to ignore the fact' stage.  I'd quite happily date, but that's because I'm a serial dater if left to my own devices - I love dating, it's just relationships that cause the problems for me, but whatever, at the end of the day I am officially single at the moment.

Being kinky, single doesn't always mean free/available/whatever.  Lots of people have kink relationships that many be separate to the normal concepts of boyfriend/girlfriend/partner etc (normal of course usually being relative where kink relationships enter the mix).  This can be for a variety of reasons which it's not worth me stipulating because I'd inevitably miss some off and horribly offend some subsection of the kink community, but suffice to say without being 'normal' partners, there are plenty of sub/dom/slave/pup/owned/master/whatever combinations out there.  To be honest it's getting to the point where I almost feel that I'm a bit odd for not being in some way 'owned' by someone (or owning them if they so happened to inspire my dom/top side).  Most of my friends are kinksters and the vast majority of them seem to have these extra layers of what they can and can't do or what they'll only do with certain people or what they have to ask permission for and so on and so forth.  And the ones who don't have this kind of dynamic going with someone seem to be actively seeking it.  Frankly I find it all rather restrictive, and yes I suppose that is the point what with the whole thing being based on power dynamics but I find it odd that I might have to ask someone else permission to sleep with a guy who might eventually become a boyfriend.  Once he is my bf most kink relationships seem to negotiate free reign to any kind of activity with the bf as well, but until then, and the many other scenarios that could form in my head.... Like I say, I just don't get it.

As I say it all seems fairly restrictive to me, and I don't like restrictions - at the end of the day I'm a slut - that's the vulgar way to put it.  The more complex way might be to say I'm very autonomous - just like how everyone's bitching about facebook atm deciding what's "important", I can decide for myself who I want to sleep with and who I don't, and equally who is worthy of my time and energy, and who isn't.  I don't need someone 'domming' me to tell me that.  (That sounds offensive to people who are in these kind of relationships, sorry I don't mean to be, I'm speaking from a very personal perspective here.)  And in fairness, most people who know me know I'm not exactly easy to dom, I am a very very tricky sub, and I don't give up control in anything that easily or for that long.  

Ideally I'd like some form of full relationship at some point in the future yes, and I'd like it to be somewhat kinky, and I'd like it to be open.  I'd like to be free to sleep around with who I choose, to not have to ask permission first because pure and simple I don't actually find that that practical unless my partner is the sort of person who spends his nights at home with his phone glued to his hand for me to text and give me permission and that sort of guy I probably wouldn't want to be with.  Just as equally they are free to sleep with other people.  Someone who relishes in the fact that I'm a slut really, rather than considering it something that needs controlling.  I guess to me that inherently implies promiscuity is bad because it needs to be restricted in some way.  Someone who can enjoy it, even if they don't have the same taste in guys necessarily.  But we should still come first to each other.  If I go out with them, I expect to go home with them at the end of the night.  Maybe with other boys as well, but together.  Part of the beauty to me of going out with your boyfriend is you don't need to pull, or amuse yourself whilst friends hook up, because you have your own sexy man there, and he's already eager to get you home and get in your pants even though you're gonna be out for another 4 hours.

I like to belong, I like to be owned.  But I don't want to be just part of a collection, or 'stable'.  I want to feel they belong to me too.  Just as I am owned, they are my owner, and they can get me to do things because they say so, they can use *that* tone of voice on me out in public just to secretly remind me who's in charge, make me smile, and get me a little horny whilst everyone else is none the wiser, but I am *their* boy, not their boy for the weekend whilst another guy has them monday - wednesday and another thursday and friday nights.  people do fall in love, people do *belong* to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness.

To be honest, Chris was pretty good on this, no he wasn't particularly kinky minded - I wasn't expecting suspension bondage out of him any time but even with the little things that really get me going and don't really intrude on sex or take up stupid amounts of time to do it was usually a case that they simply just didn't enter his head to do them because he didn't think like that, but he belonged to me, i belonged to him, we were very much each other's boys, and we were both free to fuck around with who we liked and get our kicks when we wanted and we both enjoyed that about each other.  Actually him sleeping with other guys made me really jealous on a certain level, but in a way that never hugely bothered me, it was more, i wanted to be there so Chris could have sex with me instead of the other boy, i wanted him, because he was mine, it was horny greedy bottom jealousy really, and that was kinda hot.  In terms of the sex/relationship/kink/ownership kink mentality I'm looking for, Chris was almost perfect, okay not so much on the kink front, but you don't usually get everything you want, it just sucks it didn't work out for other reasons.

All these endless relationships within relationships within friendships within exes within families within stables within harems within whatever the fuck people choose to make them confuse me.  Don't get me wrong, if they work for you great, and I don't intend to judge you for them really, I just simply don't get them, I don't get how you can feel fulfilled or completely appreciated in them, partially yes, but fully no.  And yes, I'm aware this all sounds rather odd coming from someone who is practically polyamarous, but at the end of the day, I guess I want the traditional relationship, that just so happens to be both kinky, and open, but those are almost separate independent qualifiers to the actual relationship part.

Of course once I do find that perfect guy, I then just have to tell him not only am I the standard kinky, I also happen to have some very sordid, somewhat illegal bloodplay fantasies I'd like to enact, and I'm bisexual and may occasionally want to sleep with girls, and hope that neither of those two things freak them the fuck out, cause for some reason a lot of people find those two 'kinks' very very difficult to be okay with.

I don't feel I've explained myself very well as usual, but I'm going to cut my losses and post this anyway.

5:  Joel, Jme, Axdn, FDC, Adam.  Well that's probably a rather significant change from the last time I posted this list.

Thursday, 8 September 2011

As long as you get your workout done...

I'm having a really good day.

I dunno why, nothing major's happened really, maybe I'm going manic again, but it's always hard to tell, part of going manic is your self awareness tends to go completely out the window.

I haven't slept much recently so I should be wrecked, and work has kinda got screwed up and is sapping my good mood, but flirting with boys on twitter is keeping me going.  My day started with going to Asda, that's how relatively unspecial my day has been.

But anyway, I was gonna blog about why I go to the gym, and why I enjoy it.  Because that's what I feel like blogging about, so that's what you can read.  I know I don't really *need* to go to the gym, sure I have the standard gay vanity issues, I'd love rock hard abs etc, but I'm 105lbs and a 27" waist with the blessing of an ongoing overactive metabolism - I can eat what I want and I don't put it on and somehow I get nutritional value out of it.  So I don't need to go to the gym, I don't need to lose weight, I don't need to watch what I eat, I don't need to run off that extra slice of cake or bulk up on muscle - lets face it a 5'2" muscled boy would look a little odd. I certainly wouldn't suit it at any rate.

Gay vanity aside, I do like being healthy, it gives me something to do, and it's something you can see and feel very obvious results very quickly with.  Whilst my stomach could probably extract nutritional value from anything, what i put into my body still has an effect.  If i eat food that's shit for me, I don't suffer any serious health effects, but my skin is more prone to spots, I feel worse, my already odd digestive system gives me a fair bout of cramping as punishment etc.  If I try and eat healthily, it works, I feel more alert, I can keep going for longer (yes in that way too :P) and my body ultimately works that much better.

When I was a kid I was a really fussy eater, now not so much, sure I still have my likes and dislikes, but I'm a lot more open to things now.  And I've learnt for the same cost of a packet of chicken from the shops you can buy a LOT more veg etc and make a dish ends up bulkier, more filling, tastier, and even looks a lot better with the mix of colour.  Colour really is a simple and easy way to tell how much goodness is in your food.  Salads, stir frys, soups, paella, there's plenty of dishes you can make that you just chuck anything in and by the time it's cooked it tastes great no matter what.

Raw food helped me get over a lot of what I traditionally don't like.  You can make just about anything as part of a raw food diet, ravioli, cakes, spaghetti, allsorts.  It takes some forward planning but it's a good way to try different things.  I don't like tomatoes, I don't like nuts, I'm not especially keen on turnip or avocado, but I like all these things in certain contexts I've discovered, usually such that I can't notice them, but hey it works.  I'm not militant on my diet.  I eat white bread and white pasta, if I want mcdonalds I'll get mcdonalds, I ordered pizza the other day, I ate an entire bar of chocolate yesterday.  But once you start getting health stuff into your diet it becomes ludicrously easy to form into a foundation which you then build around and you feel better for it very quickly and see the progress in yourself within a week or two.

And that's why I like the gym, I can see my progress - I might not be where I want to get to yet, but I can see each week how I get closer to my goal.  I can run non stop on the treadmill for 20 minutes at 80% of my top pace now.  If I do interval training I can quite happily go for a lot longer.  Earlier this week I upped the weights up using on my leg presses and today I was able to do the full workout with the heavier weight.  Next week or the week after I'll be upping the weights I'm using on my arm workouts too I reckon.  I keep pushing myself that little bit further each time.  Especially with my cardio.  Just one more minute, just until the end of the song, just until the .5/full km, just until that round number of calories... when I'm struggling I tell myself I can do those last 3 or 4 minutes at my normal pace and push through, or i can do 2 minutes at my flat out top speed.  Of course my body will eventually work out I keep moving the goalposts and stop responding to it, but for now it's good....

Of course I get self conscious, I in fact really hate being at the gym in some ways, am I doing it right, are people laughing at me, what the hell is this gay ass skinny boy doing weights for, i can lift so little, that guy's so much bigger better etc.  But I force myself to get over it, I blast my music into my ears and find a way to focus just on me, it forces me to deal with part of my severe self consciousness, and I get through it.  And I figure everyone had to start somewhere; combined with the progress i get to see myself making, I know one day I'll be the guy that other boys are drooling over.

Plus you get that fun endorphin kick at the end of it all from working out, and the even better one when you hit a workout target one day.  I was a really sickly child, 5 minutes of exercise used to have me in a hospital on a nebulizer, so the fact I can now run harder longer and steeper on a treadmill than most of the rest of my gym is a point of pride.  And now that I've got som,e cardio strength back, I've started mixing up my exercises a bit more again - and oh god I'd forgotten just how crap I am at cross trainers.  Within 5 minutes I was at the "no more, please no more" point.  But now I have something else to work on, and I know I get there.

This is why I love the gym, I get the feeling of accomplishment from it, I get to feel healthy, I get endophins flooding my system, I get pain, which everyone knows I enjoy anyway, and I get to come home, make 3 bacon rolls, and eat them feeling perfectly smug because I know I worked off double that at the gym.