No longer as truthful as should be deserved, some names, places and events deliberately vague to protect identities that aren't mine

Thursday, 22 September 2011


Yes I'm back.  I don't really know why I'm writing this, nobody's pissed me off especially about it or anything, it just happens to keep coming up in my life a lot at the moment and I don't really get it, or I seem odd and different, so I thought I'd post something.

So the general topic areas are kink, and open relationships I guess.  I don't really mean this as a bitch or a whine, more I just dont get it, or I don't seem to fit with what's accepted, but it'll probably come across that way anyway.

So I don't have a boyfriend these days.  I'm mostly fine with that, I've moved beyond the 'nothing serious for me now thanks' stage and am into the indeterminate 'not actively looking but if a nice boy decides to turn up and jump up and down in front of me i'm not going to ignore the fact' stage.  I'd quite happily date, but that's because I'm a serial dater if left to my own devices - I love dating, it's just relationships that cause the problems for me, but whatever, at the end of the day I am officially single at the moment.

Being kinky, single doesn't always mean free/available/whatever.  Lots of people have kink relationships that many be separate to the normal concepts of boyfriend/girlfriend/partner etc (normal of course usually being relative where kink relationships enter the mix).  This can be for a variety of reasons which it's not worth me stipulating because I'd inevitably miss some off and horribly offend some subsection of the kink community, but suffice to say without being 'normal' partners, there are plenty of sub/dom/slave/pup/owned/master/whatever combinations out there.  To be honest it's getting to the point where I almost feel that I'm a bit odd for not being in some way 'owned' by someone (or owning them if they so happened to inspire my dom/top side).  Most of my friends are kinksters and the vast majority of them seem to have these extra layers of what they can and can't do or what they'll only do with certain people or what they have to ask permission for and so on and so forth.  And the ones who don't have this kind of dynamic going with someone seem to be actively seeking it.  Frankly I find it all rather restrictive, and yes I suppose that is the point what with the whole thing being based on power dynamics but I find it odd that I might have to ask someone else permission to sleep with a guy who might eventually become a boyfriend.  Once he is my bf most kink relationships seem to negotiate free reign to any kind of activity with the bf as well, but until then, and the many other scenarios that could form in my head.... Like I say, I just don't get it.

As I say it all seems fairly restrictive to me, and I don't like restrictions - at the end of the day I'm a slut - that's the vulgar way to put it.  The more complex way might be to say I'm very autonomous - just like how everyone's bitching about facebook atm deciding what's "important", I can decide for myself who I want to sleep with and who I don't, and equally who is worthy of my time and energy, and who isn't.  I don't need someone 'domming' me to tell me that.  (That sounds offensive to people who are in these kind of relationships, sorry I don't mean to be, I'm speaking from a very personal perspective here.)  And in fairness, most people who know me know I'm not exactly easy to dom, I am a very very tricky sub, and I don't give up control in anything that easily or for that long.  

Ideally I'd like some form of full relationship at some point in the future yes, and I'd like it to be somewhat kinky, and I'd like it to be open.  I'd like to be free to sleep around with who I choose, to not have to ask permission first because pure and simple I don't actually find that that practical unless my partner is the sort of person who spends his nights at home with his phone glued to his hand for me to text and give me permission and that sort of guy I probably wouldn't want to be with.  Just as equally they are free to sleep with other people.  Someone who relishes in the fact that I'm a slut really, rather than considering it something that needs controlling.  I guess to me that inherently implies promiscuity is bad because it needs to be restricted in some way.  Someone who can enjoy it, even if they don't have the same taste in guys necessarily.  But we should still come first to each other.  If I go out with them, I expect to go home with them at the end of the night.  Maybe with other boys as well, but together.  Part of the beauty to me of going out with your boyfriend is you don't need to pull, or amuse yourself whilst friends hook up, because you have your own sexy man there, and he's already eager to get you home and get in your pants even though you're gonna be out for another 4 hours.

I like to belong, I like to be owned.  But I don't want to be just part of a collection, or 'stable'.  I want to feel they belong to me too.  Just as I am owned, they are my owner, and they can get me to do things because they say so, they can use *that* tone of voice on me out in public just to secretly remind me who's in charge, make me smile, and get me a little horny whilst everyone else is none the wiser, but I am *their* boy, not their boy for the weekend whilst another guy has them monday - wednesday and another thursday and friday nights.  people do fall in love, people do *belong* to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness.

To be honest, Chris was pretty good on this, no he wasn't particularly kinky minded - I wasn't expecting suspension bondage out of him any time but even with the little things that really get me going and don't really intrude on sex or take up stupid amounts of time to do it was usually a case that they simply just didn't enter his head to do them because he didn't think like that, but he belonged to me, i belonged to him, we were very much each other's boys, and we were both free to fuck around with who we liked and get our kicks when we wanted and we both enjoyed that about each other.  Actually him sleeping with other guys made me really jealous on a certain level, but in a way that never hugely bothered me, it was more, i wanted to be there so Chris could have sex with me instead of the other boy, i wanted him, because he was mine, it was horny greedy bottom jealousy really, and that was kinda hot.  In terms of the sex/relationship/kink/ownership kink mentality I'm looking for, Chris was almost perfect, okay not so much on the kink front, but you don't usually get everything you want, it just sucks it didn't work out for other reasons.

All these endless relationships within relationships within friendships within exes within families within stables within harems within whatever the fuck people choose to make them confuse me.  Don't get me wrong, if they work for you great, and I don't intend to judge you for them really, I just simply don't get them, I don't get how you can feel fulfilled or completely appreciated in them, partially yes, but fully no.  And yes, I'm aware this all sounds rather odd coming from someone who is practically polyamarous, but at the end of the day, I guess I want the traditional relationship, that just so happens to be both kinky, and open, but those are almost separate independent qualifiers to the actual relationship part.

Of course once I do find that perfect guy, I then just have to tell him not only am I the standard kinky, I also happen to have some very sordid, somewhat illegal bloodplay fantasies I'd like to enact, and I'm bisexual and may occasionally want to sleep with girls, and hope that neither of those two things freak them the fuck out, cause for some reason a lot of people find those two 'kinks' very very difficult to be okay with.

I don't feel I've explained myself very well as usual, but I'm going to cut my losses and post this anyway.

5:  Joel, Jme, Axdn, FDC, Adam.  Well that's probably a rather significant change from the last time I posted this list.

No comments:

Post a Comment