No longer as truthful as should be deserved, some names, places and events deliberately vague to protect identities that aren't mine

Friday, 21 October 2011

You waited till NOW to tell me this?!?!?!

So a while ago I went on a few dates with a boy.  And we really hit it off.  We spent a lot of time with each other over a very short space of time and talked via text or something practically everyday.  We had basically this whole non-relationship thing going on between us.  He was the first boy I'd really liked in quite a while, the first boy I'd really liked on that level since I broke up with Chris, and it was nice to feel that again, and nice to feel it back.  And then that boy was kinda an ass to me.  And I called him on his bullshit.  And he didn't apologise for about a month.  So we kinda stopped talking, and stopped hanging out, and stopped seeing each other.  And the relationship that wasn't happening never got started.

And after a while everything calmed down and we started talking a bit again.  He has a boyfriend now.  So he's unavailable, but we talk.  And then yesterday he told me that he had really really liked me, that he really wanted me, and that I was the first person he'd ever really been able to try any of the things we'd done with each other with.  We were discussing me rentboy history, and he asked how much I used to charge, so I told him.  His response was "you're worth so much more than money."  It's so sickeningly cute you could vomit right?  I'd forgotten, because I'd forced myself to really, just how endearing that boy could be when he wanted to, when he tries.  But like I say, he has a boyfriend now, so I can't have him, even though I still kinda want him.  Why can't boys turn round and tell me all this stuff when they ARE available?  Never simple is it...

Not that I imagine it would actually work out with this boy.  He would want to be monogamous (well he's okay with the occasional threesome).  Which lets face it, isn't going work well with me.  At the end of the day, we all know I'm a slut, and even if you discount the sex with randomers, the whole being in love with 3 other people just kinda makes it almost impossible for me to not have sex outside my relationship.  It's hard to explain to someone who can't ever envisage either open relationships or being in love with more than one person themselves.  You know how when you're apart from the person for a week or two, how you suddenly miss them so much more?  How you want them so much more?  It's not because you love them more suddenly or anything, it's just being apart does that too you.  Remember how good it feels that first night you get them back.  Now imagine you hadn't seen them for 2 years, and you'd missed them just as much every single day for all that time.  Imagine how hard it is NOT to see them, not to want to hug them, not to want to go out with them, and yes, sleep with them.  And I'm in love with 3 people already.  So yeah, monogamy.  Not gonna happen with me

He asked me if he could ever be enough for me, if I thought he was worth it.  This is the bit that's so hard to explain to people who can't relate to this mindset.  It's not about that.  The guy I'm going out with is worth everything I have to give, or I wouldn't go out with them in the first place.  And it's not about them being enough.  My sluttiness and need for an open relationship is a part of my personality - that's like asking is the guy worth me not being a sci-fi geek.  Sure I can avoid doing certain things around him etc, but you can't change who you are.  Well you can, but it generally leads to horrible psychological problems and in a boy who already has those, it's probably best not to encourage them right?

Of course even if we could get over that issue, all this is redundant because the guy has a bf that he's madly in love with now.  So of course I am trying to work out a way to break them up and have him for myself without all of my friends hating me.  This post probably does nothing to further my cause in any way.... :P

No comments:

Post a Comment