No longer as truthful as should be deserved, some names, places and events deliberately vague to protect identities that aren't mine

Friday, 20 January 2012

You have no idea what war is like.

We're alive.
We are unmistakably alive.

But men made no attempt to recognise this.  Far from it, they used every brutal means at their disposal to destroy us.

As if they had the right to judge.
As if they deserved such a right.

Is there superiority and inferiority in living?
Is there superiority and inferiority with regard to the poignancy of life?
Is there superiority and inferiority in the glorification of a single life?

No.
Absolutely not!

But man placed us on the scales of judgement.
If they claim this as their right then we will claim our rights too!
We can possess these rights.
We'll build a kingdom here.
As our lives dictate.
As our wills dictate and where our hopes and aspirations lead us.

Saturday, 14 January 2012

Bottoming 101: The Follow Up

Okay here we go: Bottoming 101 - The Follow Up Post

Apologies this took so long to get out, about 2 days after I wrote my first post all kinds of hell broke loose not only in my own life, but in those of a lot of my friends, and so personal issues are soaking up a lot of my time.  Hopefully some of you return to the blog and see this post.


Thanks:
So erm, WOW, is kind of all I have to say. In a week my post got over THIRTY THOUSAND (it looks more impressive when you write big numbers out in words I feel) views. 15,000 of those were in the first 48 hours. My blog got reposted all over the internet, by friends, by randomers, by people working in the sex industry, by porn studios, by all sorts of random people who all saw it and came to my rambling insignificant blog for this one post. I never imagined anything like this would ever happen so THANK YOU, all of you.

Special thanks go to TwisTurtle on twitter for initially reposting on reddit (which is responsible for over 12,000 hits across various sources; giftedmaster, jbttm4u, Josh, and probably a few I've missed out for their corrections, edits, proof reading, and additional comments; and an exceptional thanks goes to Dewitt and the ManhuntDaily blog, who posted an entry devoted to my post. Getting something manhuntdaily worthy is pretty much a crowning achievement in my books as it's one of the best lgbt blogs around as far as I'm concerned, and went beyond my wildest dreams for the post, giving it over 5000 hits from MHD alone and greatly increasing the exposure of the post which then got reposted on a million other different sites.

Thank you to all of you who posted comments, good and bad, I never proclaimed this to be a perfect post, but I'm so immensely grateful that you not only took the time to read everything, but also respond to it. I have seen so many comments from different sites that have posted it, I have got messages and emails and all sorts of things from people and that's been amazing and kind of mind-blowing.


A Commentary on the Commentary:
And now.... whilst I probably should know better than to pay attention to things I read on the internet, here are some responses to the myriad things people have said to me about the post...

Name of the post:
There are many many things I could have called this post and someone would have probably taken exception to it regardless. I chose this title as it was nice and simple and relatively understandable.

Definition of a 'bottom':
Yes I had to assume some level of ground knowledge, i don't have time to define every single noun in my posts, I'm sorry. For this I meant 'receptive partner during anal sex'. Also, that makes no commentary on what postion you might be in, any form of subordination assumed by being the receptive partner, what your household annual income is or any other such nonsense. Those are separate things which I leave you to work out for yourself. Yes I chose to dicuss one particular definition of a word. That's how life works 99% of the time.

Length of post:
Yes, it's long. In fact I'm pretty sure I emphasize this quite clearly in the first 7 words of the post. If you can't be arsed to read long posts, that's your issue i don't need a message telling me it's too long. I wrote it in one go so I posted it in one go. If I split it into separate posts it'd still be just as long you know, be grateful I bothered to split it into separate headings you ungrateful swine! Tell you what, print out a copy, leave it by your bed, and read a single heading each night. There we go, all better now? To be honest, the amount of things I didn't cover I could write an entire hardback book on this subject, but I doubt those people are the kind who read books, so it'd be lost on you still.

Gay/Straight bias:
Yes it was predominately written for gay men. However, most of the post is applicable to anyone engaging in anal sex, regardless of of gender, gender identity, active/passive role, or sexuality. There might be a few changes in your particular circumstance, but the theory is largely the same.

Formatting:
No the screen width probably isn't formatted properly. Copy, Paste into a text viewer of your choice, Format to your liking. Quit whining like a little bitch before someone shuts you up by shoving a cock in your mouth.

Casual sex versus committed relationships:
Again, the theory applies here regardless really. I am a self confessed slutty bottom boy. I have a lot of sex. Not as much as I'd like, but still... That means I've done this enough to be able to write 7000 words on it. But the advice still applies to first timers or couples who have been together 20 years but have a few questions. Not all of it may be relevant, but some of it probably is.

Condoms:
I said I did not want to lecture on this, I told you to all go be responsible sensible adults and make your own choices, but apparently a large contingent of you feel the need to berate me for my largely scant mention of anything condom related. You know what? IT DOESN'T MATTER. The things I write about apply whether you use condoms or not, hence why I didn't mention them throughout. If you would like the lecture, here it is: Don't have sex, because you will get pregnant, and die.

Clinicality:
Some of you said I wasn't clinical enough - i tried to make this post understandable to a wide audience. Those who really want to know the exact names for muscles can refer to their doctor, wikipedia, or the nearest med student. If you want more information, it is out there if you bother to look for it. Some of you said I was too clinical - apologies, I tried to give some of the reasons behind why certain things happen, in an attempt to help people understand their bodies better, and how to get the desired reaction out of them. That does I'm afraid, necessitate some occasional writing about some relatively superficial medical knowledge. You could skip those bits, but then you probably wouldn't get as much out of this post.

Douching clarifications:
A large proportion of the comments were in relation to the douching sections. Apologies if I hadn't made these points clear in my initial post but... you may not need to douche, you may never have problems, you may not care about the odd bit of shit; some of us aren't so blessed. What you eat can indeed help; if you have a good healthy diet, the body does 99% of the work itself, but again, not all of us are so blessed. Yes, douching CAN take a long time, you'll find what works for you and that might only take 10 minutes, but it can take a lot longer depending on what you're doing, how deep you wanna clean out, and what's inside you. My timescales were there to give a rough guide, and so people know that deep cleaning is usually more than a 15 minutes before you go out the door jo. And finally, I in no way give the impression you should be deep cleaning 3 times a week. Not at all. I get questions from people asking how much they can douche before it's a problem however. If you're in Berlin during Folsom Europe, the 3 times a week guideline is probably useful, otherwise I'll assume you're probably not getting sex so often as to need that, or if you are, you probably knew most of the stuff in this guide anyway.

Pain:
Bottoming does not have to hurt I wrote, and as many of you have commented, it never should, and if it does you should stop. I also wrote words to that effect. As one wise soul did note however, we all make mistakes, at some point, during any kind of sex or just life in general, you have all hurt yourself through either trying and doing something wrong, making a stupid mistake when you know better, or just plain unfortuante circumstance. If you are new to bottoming, you probably will hurt yourself at some point, just like you did when you first tried to climb a tree. Some lucky buggers climb it first time and never fall or get so much as a scratch; they never have done and never will do. The rest of us are reassured by everyone else having done the same idiotic thing, put a plaster on it, and try again another time.

Relevance to you:
In case I didn't make it obvious enough, this is not the be all and end all post, it is not perfect, and it may not be useful for you in the slightest. You all need to go find what works for you, this is a good starting point, but just as with the rest of sex, what works for one person doesn't for another. If you don't like any of this, if you don't agree with it, DON'T DO IT. Move on with your life, and leave me in peace to get fucked.


Positives:
Time for happier things after that long tirade I feel.

Thank you to all those who have spoken to me about trying the advice in my post. I'm even happier for those who found it worked for them! Some of you are friends who have said to me in person, some of you are randomers I've never met who took the time to send me a message. I wanted to share something and improve people's lives, and I have done. So thank you for telling me that I did.

To all those who have posted further information, you are amazing and are saving me a lot of time and effort. Some of your input I've included in the post, some of it I've left in the comments. Either way thank you. N.B. I make no comment on the veracity of the imformation posted by others, please do your own research, I've already written a small thesis on the subject.

For a start on more information, please see my friend's post here

As I said before, everyone who sent me comments, messages, etc, good and bad, the fact you took time to respond is much appreciated and hopefully let me clarify a lot of things.

Finally to the trans person who commented. AMAZING. And so glad it helped!

Tuesday, 10 January 2012

Bottoming 101

This is gonna be a LOOOOONNNNNGG post because I have a lot to say on the subject.  Also I totally fucked up what passes for a normal sleeping pattern for me doing this so I hope you're all fucking grateful.  All puns intended.

I've been reading lots about what its like to be a bottom from all kinds of sources recently.  You know how some weeks certain things just keep cropping up in your life for no obvious reason?  And I take issue with a lot of what I've read.  I'm a bottom.  I'm a damn good bottom.  I can take it hard and rough and with little lube and I enjoy every damned second of it.  And I can power bottom with the best of them.  So I feel myself pretty qualified to write a nice long guide to how the fuck a lot of people should be bottoming, cause a lot of people seem to get it pretty damned wrong.  And some people just genuinely don't know and want to know more.  I get at least one set of DMs a week to my twitter account (@im_so_childish) asking me about bottoming stuff.  And I'm really happy to help those people and tell them what I know.  So now I'm going to write it all down, so in future I can just refer everyone to this, and hopefully some of you learn something and discover the joy of bottoming.


Some Basic Points:

  • Bottoming does not *have* to hurt. - it probably will to start, but doesn't with experience
  • Bottoming does not make you gay/less manly/a slut/desperate/whatever.  I can't believe I even need to write that but I know I do.
  • The bottom is not an exit hole only
  • The bottom does not *have* to be dirty, and by and large, usually isn't depending on what you're doing and how you've prepared - more about this later
  • Yes you may be really tight.  Sphincters, i.e. your asshole, are made of muscle.  Admittedly they aren't quite like biceps, but just about any muscle in the body can be trained, and improved with patience, the right technique and regular practice.
  • You do not *have* to bottom if you don't want to for whatever reason, ever in your entire life if you so choose.  But like all aspects of sex, if you're curious, it's worth seeing what happens and where it takes you.
  • A good top will notice and appreciate a good bottom.  And the bottom will get repeat fucks.
  • Just because you bottom doesn't mean you can't top.  My friends all regard me as one of the biggest power bottoms they know, but I can still nail a guy's ass if I the mood strikes me.
  • The bottom is ALWAYS in control.  Doesn't matter what's the situation is, when they've got a problem, you've got a problem.  Respect your bottom, cause you're the one who wants to get inside them.


An Anatomy Lesson:

Right, now that that's out of the way, let's start with some basic anatomy shall we, as a friend just said, it's important to have a knowledge of this stuff and how to abuse it ;)


This shows more than I need but it's plenty useful.  Here is your anus boys and girls (and your penis for the boys only).  Around the point marked anus is your sphincter.  This is the bit that opens and closes according to what's going in or out at any one time.  Normally it stays shut.  The rectum is effectively the bit you fuck.  Mostly.  If you've got an exceptionally large cock you might get past this bit but we'll come to deep penetration later.  Much later.


Right lets go over all the important things about this entire area.  Your asshole is a ring of muscle called a sphincter.  Actually there's two of them but don't worry about that.  You should all have a basic knowledge of how this works from going to the toilet for the entirety of your life.  Finer control of your sphincter we'll come to later.
The rectum is the main area that concerns us.  This is the bit that fills with shit, and tells you to go to the toilet.  It doesn't stay full of shit all the time.  It temporarily holds it and gives you the urge to go to the toilet, just like you get an urge to go for a piss; it doesn't mean there is constantly urine in your cock that you only release every so often.  If you're lucky this stays clean when you're not about to go to the toilet.  Most people aren't lucky.  Or think they are but aren't 100% clean.  You can clean this area and its one of the major marks of being a good bottom in most people's opinions.  Again, more on this later.
The other major important landmark is the location of the prostate.  It's right next to the wall of your rectum.  When you get fucked, the other guy's cock rubs against the prostate.  This feels GOOD.  A really talented top can do it with his fingers, and really get you writhing in pleasure.  But this is a guide for bottoms, not tops.  Top boys you'll have to look elsewhere for that particular technique, sorry.
The final important point I want you to take away from this anatomy lesson is that the rectum is full of nerves.  This is how it gives you the sensation that you need to empty it.  And the sphincter is surrounded by nerves.  This is what can feel good or bad about getting fucked depending on if you do it right.  And even more interestingly, the body is conditioned to give you pleasureable feelings as things pass through the nerve endings of the sphincter.  This is the sensation you get after having a really big shit; it's a biological incentive to do so.  The happy endorphiny high.  Well that's basically what you create when getting fucked.  Over and over and over again as that cock pounds your hole.  Starting to see the joy in bottoming?


The Golden Rules of Bottoming:

Okay so lets start with the sensible place to start.  Getting something into your ass.  Because if you can't even get a pinky in there the rest of this post is pretty much just useless theory anyway.  The three golden rules of getting anything into your ass are:
  1. Lube
  2. Patience
  3. Relax FFS!
If you're having problems you haven't done one of these properly.  TRUST ME.  Yes you might be tight, and yes you might be struggling to get a pencil up there, but with all 3 of the above you will eventually get there. In order then.... 

Lube.  
Me?  I can take things with just a spit and go, but that's me, and that's cause I'm used to it, and because I don't mind a bit of pain because I'm a masochist.  I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume the rest of you don't like pain and need more lube than just some spit, that's not a bad thing.  The rectum is a fragile area.  And tearing either the rectal wall, or stretching the sphincter too far, too fast, on entry is not only potentially dangerous, it REALLY fucking hurts the next day.  Even I've taken too much too quickly with not enough lube and regretted it.  It heals, just like any other part of the body, but it still fucking hurts.
There are a million and one different types of lubes out there, but lets start with basics.  Most lubes are made of one of 3 different bases, water, oil, or silicone.  They all have advantages and disadvantages.  They all feel different.  And each base comes in a variety of different brands and slightly different types that also feel slightly different. The trick with lube is to experiment.  Find one that works for you.  You can get lube trial packs with all sorts of different varieties in or you can go to a sex shop armed with about £20 and buy the little travel/cruising size packets in every kind imaginable.  
Water based are slick, and the most common variety that most people prefer and use.  The free lubes the doctors give out are almost always water based.  They're simple, easy, last a decent amount of time, wash out of anything you get them on, and totally compatible with condoms.  Downside is they can get sticky, especially on your hands from where you applied it, and can need reapplying throughout fucking as they dry out through friction.
Oil based lubes last a long time, they sit on the top of the skin which doesn't really absorb them so they don't tend to need reapplying.  Most fisting lubes are oil based.  Downside is they are not condom friendly at all.  They degrade latex, and the last thing you want is a falling apart condom inside your ass.  Also oil often stains a lot of things.  A good wash can get it out of sheets, but perhaps not out of the wood finish desk you fucked on top of.
Silicone lubes are basically an attempt to combine the best bits of both oil and water based lubes.  Silicone lubes tend to last a long time and a little bit can go a long way.  They are condom friendly.  They stain a lot of things.   Silicone lube bottles tend to leak slightly - the lube can get around the lids so in a bedroom where they stay upright you're fine, travelling with them or in your pocket is less good.  Silicone lubes need soap to wash them off so it takes longer to clean up and a big stain might not wash out at all.  Oil or water based tend to be better for fisting/stretching/depth play. They're also considerably more expensive than water based lubes.  But personally I find that they're a bit like the fairy liquid of lubes - they last a lot longer and you need a lot less than the cheap shit.  So it all works out the same in the end.  Personally I prefer silicone based lubes.  My ex preferred water based so whenever I fucked him we switched lubes.  Find out what works for you.  And don't assume it works for everyone.  I have both water based and silicone lubes by my bed.
N.B. There are also hybrid silicone/water based lubes.  I've never found them to be any good to be honest, but again, try them, and if they work for you, go buy a big bottle and to go town on your ass.

Patience.  
Now quite frankly, this is all down to you.  You know yourself best.  You're the only one who can feel what you're feeling and know what feels good, what feels bad, how much you think you can take and how far you can go etc.  That said, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SLOW DOWN.  A lot are really eager to get your fingers/dildo/his cock/the wine bottle or whatever it is in your ass, probably because it's feeling good.  And that's admirable and kinda hot, but seriously, take your time.  I'm assuming you're reading this because you're not confident in your bottoming abilities, and want to improve.  So take it from someone who is confident about them.  Slow down, take it easy, apply more lube.  Spend an entire evening stopping and starting, or very slowly stretching further.  You don't have to get it in in 5 minutes, and you're not gonna train your ass to power bottom status in 30 minutes.  Take all the fucking time in the world, and dont let anything dry out.  When you're getting double fucked by two 10" cocks, then you can start worrying about trying to do it faster and without using a gallon of lube to do so.

Relax.  
Again this is really all down to you and how you're feeling, but again, most people go about this wrong.  Breathe.  Calm down.  Taking your time will help with this.  Don't try to push yourself too far.  And stop worrying so much.  I know you're eager, I know you really really wanna be able to get fucked, but you're gonna make yourself worse by trying so damned hard.  A lot of it's in your head to be honest.  You're so convinced, on a subconscious level, that it's hard for you to bottom, that you can't take whatever it is, that it'll hurt, that your body instinctively prevents you from doing so.  Remember how I told you there are technically two sphincters at your asshole?  Well one of them is involuntarily, so until your subconscious is happy, you ain't getting anywhere.  It took me 3 years of trying to take a fist to finally get there- I only managed it for the first time about 4 months ago.  And now I can take a fist relatively comfortably.  Because my mind has finally learnt that I CAN do it, that I just need to breathe, and not panic, or worry, or try so damn hard, and it'll happen, suddenly everything opens up and they're inside.  And it's EXACTLY the same with cock.  Relax, take long deep breaths, clear your mind, and just accept if it happens AMAZING, but if it doesn't you can just try again in the future.  There are a few muscle and breathing techniques I can teach you however, so onto the next section of this ridiculously long blog post...


Breathing:

Can you guys believe we haven't even got past the sphincter and getting whatever it is inside you yet?  But seriously your hole is where so many of the issues are concerned.  Once we're past all of that, it's pretty much the home straight and just a few bits of housekeeping before you'll be bottoming with the best of us.  Let's start with breathing.  The breathing techniques are designed to help you relax.  And as you relax, so does your sphincter.  There are a million and one different techniques here, and the same goes for the muscle control exercises which will follow.  Like the lubes, you need to try them all and see what works best for you, because what works for you may not work for someone else, and everyone will inevitably recommend something different.

When you're trying to get something in your ass, and especially if you're struggling for whatever reason, you tend to forget to breathe as you're busy concentrating your focus on achieving your goal.  This is perfectly natural, we do this all the time; its one less thing for the brain to focus on and worry about whilst you quickly complete whatever it is your trying to do and then your body can get back to the job of maintaining itself.  Great, but this results in everything tensing up, you feeling hotter, and everything gets that much harder, basically the complete opposite of what you need to be doing at that point in time.  So make your breathing conscious.  Focus on that instead.  Focussing on your breathing and making that the subject of your awareness and concentration will also help to clear your head and stop you worrying about what's happening to your ass, furthering the amount your body, especially that part, relaxes.  Handy huh?
So how should you breathe?  Well as I said it's down to you but there are two basic options that seem to work for most people - one is just the long deep controlled breaths in and out, the other is lamaze breathing.  Lamaze breathing is that strange labour breathing where you exhale short-short-long. try counting out one-two-threeeeeeeeeee.  with a short breath in just before one and two and a slightly longer one just before the threeeeeeee.
However you breathe, you want to exhale as things are going into you.  This is the same as breathing during any form of exercise, you exhale on the exertion.  So as something is going inside of you and your body starts to struggle, make sure you're on your long exhale.  Again, you do the same when you have a big shit.  As you push out, you exhale really deeply.  It helps the body, and especially your sphincter when under pressure, relax.  Plus the concentration of making your breathing your brain's focus helps to distract it from the unfamiliar, and potentially slightly painful feeling of penetration.  Your body, as intelligent as it is, only has so much focus, and you can actually partially distract it from a lot of sensations pretty damn easily if you know how.


Muscle Control:

Yes your sphincter is a muscle.  Once again lets admit there are actually two of them side by side.  One of them is involuntary.  You don't really need to worry about this one aside from the fact if you're stressed and worried it's unlikely to be cooperative, so this is why it's important to be relaxed.  The other one is voluntary.  This is the one you use to shit with.  Or rather, the one you use to stop yourself from shitting your pants with. You should all know how this works in terms of a basic opening/closing kind of deal unless you've had a colostomy, but then you've had part of your colon removed and you have bigger issues.
Like breathing, the first thing to do is make yourself aware of this muscle.  Don't just try and open up your ass.  Actually think about what muscle you're using, and don't focus on getting anything in you, focus more on slowly, steadily, and comfortably, relaxing that muscle.  Yes it's all a bit hippie-ish with visualizing and "don't just feel the muscle, see the muscle", but I'm actually kinda serious.  This shit works, because once again it gives you something to focus on that isn't trying to get whatever it is in your ass.  Focus on the muscle and what it's doing, and WHY is it clamping shut, and which bit of it feels tensest, and concentrating on slowly relaxing that, and eventually whatever you've got probing your hole will naturally follow.
Now of course you just have to combine this with the breathing, focussing on achieving both of them together rather than what's going into you and WHY you're doing this (which will only set your brain off worrying about whether you can do it again), and you're practically done.

And now, for some advanced teaching!  (oooooh, aaaaaaah...)  Okay hands up who in the blog has heard of Kegel muscles, or Kegel exercises?  This is pretty much what I've been writing about above anyway.  Though if you identify the right sets of muscles you'll find they're slightly different by funnily enough the distance between your asshole and your cock, that's when you know you've got the right respective set.  So Kegel exercises work on your pelvic floor muscles.  They're REALLY simple.
To identify your pelvic floor muscles, stop pissing half way through.  Notice which muscles you're tensing.  Also notice your hole has tensed up and tightened.  And now start pissing again.  And notice how everything relaxes.  Including your ass.  Okay now stop start stop start stop start until such time as you've finished pissing or got bored.  It's pretty much that simple.  Oh sure you can get it more complex, it's a set of muscles, like other muscle training exercises you can tense and hold, do quick reps, long reps etc etc.  But the whole start stop pissing thing is simple, obvious, and easy.  But you don't have to do it whilst on the loo, you can do it sitting at the pc, on the tube, wherever (I'm totally doing them right now :P).
Why?  Because it'll give you REALLY good control over your hole.  You know the bottoms that can basically suck in a guy's cock with their ass?  This is what they're doing.  They relax all the right muscles and bingo.  The bottoms that can practically milk a guy's cock just with their ass?  Again, this is it, tense, relax, tense, relax, etc whilst he's inside you, and bingo your top is going crazy for your ass and will be begging to fuck you again.  And as an added bonus, studies show it prevents and/or solves erectile dysfunction, strengthens orgasms, and increases sexual pleasure.  GET CLENCHING PEOPLE


Penetration:

OH MY GOD PEOPLE WE'RE HERE.  PENETRATION!  ACTUAL ENTRY!  It's taken me more than 3,200 words to get to this point but finally we're here, together.  Savour this moment.  It's beautiful.

So hopefully you all paid attention to my earlier section on lube, patience, and relaxing, and together with the breathing and muscle focus you've managed to get something just about to open you up and into your ass.  This is the all important "push out like you're taking a shit" moment, except it'll feel nothing like taking a shit because things are going in rather than out.  The principle still stays the same.  Push out with those pelvic floor and sphincter muscles you've been learning about.  And remember to exhale as whatever it is enters you.  If you're lucky, and you've taken your time, and got your body comfortable the idea, whatever it is will slide all the way into you in one go.  It might feel like you're actually going to shit but you're not.  The body has some sense, it's just the same biology and anatomy in use, so it can get confusing.  Once in leave it there, focus on your breathing, and let your body start to adjust.  That might take anywhere from 30 seconds to 15 minutes, and that's starting to adjust, not completely adjusted.  If you're not used to this it's gonna take time.  Like I said people, patience.  Focus on breathing, focus on relaxing your mind and your entire body at this point.  Don't focus just on the anal muscles anymore, relax your whole body and let it calm down from the intrusion.

If you feel pain at any point in the insertion.  Stop right where you are.  Don't go back to square one.  That's the mistake.  Stop pushing out, but resist the body's urge to totally close up.  Hold your sphincter muscles open at the point that they are but no further, and obviously, stop pushing whatever it is in.  Stop with it half way into you or wherever it is. Take a deep breath to help with relaxation and pain endurance and SLOWLY pull it out until it's bearable again.  This should hopefully not be all the way out.  Breathe in, focus on relaxing muscles again, and wait.  Wait 5, 10 minutes however long you need to, and then try insertion again.  And hopefully you get a bit further.  Or maybe that's as far as you get that night.  But try the next night, and you'll probably find you do get that little bit further then, and after 2 weeks or so, you'll hopefully be inside.

Once you're in and relatively comfortable and your hole has started to relax of its own accord and accept there's something holding it slightly open, slowly pull out.  It shouldn't feel rough or stuck in any way, if it does, you didn't use enough lube when you went in.  Don't pull out, don't pull past the sphincter, once you've travelled an inch or so, push back in slowly.  Get your hole used to the sensation of being open and something going in and out of it and over time you can increase the length of the stroke.  Get your hole comfortable with the idea.  Once it learns to do this without any pain or huge struggles on your part you're pretty much done.  At that point you can pull all the way out, and try reinsertion. And you'll probably find it a lot easier than the first time.  Another trick is to rotate whatever it is - dildo, finger, obviously a cock doesn't really operate like that, whilst keeping it at the same depth.  This will stimulate the sphincter without actually changing how open it is, or how deep you are etc.

Enjoy the sensation.  If something feels a little painful, try and focus on what feels good.  The sphincter nerves as discussed earlier are designed to give the brain pleasure when stimulated, so the strokes or rotations should hopefully give you *some* pleasure.  Focus on that and how good it feels.  Over time that sensation will improve, and the pain sensation will lessen.  Congratulations, you have been penetrated.  With time, practice, and bigger things being put into you, you'll be taking cocks no problem.  When finished up breath a nice big sigh of relief and put a big smug grin on your face that you achieved it.


Cleaning Out:

And now you have something inside your ass.  This means we should cover the all important area of cleaning and douching your ass.  This is the area I get messaged with questions about more than any other.  And it's really important.  It's definitely a mark of a good bottom to be clean inside every time they get fucked; only a small subset of people enjoy shit as part of their sexual activities, but the majority of us don't.  The deeper you  get penetrated the higher the chance of the guy coming out with shit on his cock, or whatever it is.  But yes, you can clean the inside of your ass!  (Just don't use soap, really really don't, it'll cause problems, plain water does the job fine)  It's called douching and its something a LOT more guys should be doing.  Read and learn...

Douching (Bulb Douches)
If you don't know what a douche is, go look one up.  It's basically a giant pipette with a spray nozzle on the end rather than a dropper.  You can get them for about £10 in any sex shop or online.  Now follow this guide:
  1. Fill sink with lukewarm water.  Not hot.  Not cold.  A nice 37 degrees centigrade would be about ideal considering it's going to go in your body.
  2. Fill douche with said water
  3. Lube up douche and your hole and insert douche (i.e. you need to be used to having things in your ass a little by this point)
  4. Depress bulb SLOWLY and your ass will fill with water - you'll very quickly notice if the water is too hot or cold at this point and if it is, stop and restart the whole procedure.
  5. DO NOT let go of the bulb once its fully depressed. (last thing you want to feel is suction inside your ass trust me)
  6. Carefully pull the douche out of your ass, trying to keep your hole as tight as possible to stop water escaping.
  7. Wait.  It'll be mildly uncomfortable and your intestines will probably make a fair bit of noise.  Try and hold it for 5 minutes if you can but if it gets really uncomfortable or painful don't worry about it and skip to step 8.
  8. Expel into toilet.  You probably want to flush at this point.
  9. Repeat procedure until the water comes out near enough the same colour as it went in.
Done, simple. Clean the douche, flush it through with clean water several times.  You should probably jump in the shower at this point and clean the lube and douche water off your ass too.  Bulb douches are cheap, simple, easy, and great if you have a grindr fuck due in 20 minutes.  They keep you clean for about an hour or so.  They are not good for long sessions, cleaning before going out at 8pm on the pull with a view to dragging a guy into your bed at 2am at the end of the night, or for deep penetration by big toys, fists, or large cocked men. And so we come to...

Deep Cleaning
Bulb douches clean out the lower portion of your ass only, if you're gonna need the stuff further up cleaned up, you need a deeper cleaning douche.  Check out the shower shot.  There's a million and one similar cheaper versions on sale in your local sex shop or online.  It's basically a dildo attachment to a shower hose that can have water coming out the end of it.  For this you're gonna need a shower with adjustable pressure.  If your shower only has a fixed pressure, or the lowest pressure is still pretty decent, you'll do damage to your ass if you use water that basically jet blasts your insides.  That's not the aim here.  If your shower isn't suitable you can find mixer tap shower hose types that have the same attachment at the end. And here we go...
N.B. You may want to have cleaned out once or twice with a bulb douche first before doing this.
  1. Connect the attachment to the end of your shower hose (this may involve taking off your shower head :P)
  2. Adjust your shower to output lukewarm water and a fairly light pressure.
  3. Your attachment may have an on/off valve for the water to make insertion easier, if so turn it off at this point.
  4. Lie down in your bath (so the first step should really be making sure your shower hose is long enough, if not buy a longer one and swap!) You shouldn't do this standing up or squatting.  When you lie down your entire intestinal region relaxes a lot of muscles and you're gonna want that here.  If you're sqautting you it'll still work, but the effect wont be as great or long lasting.
  5. Insert attachment as deep as you can.
  6. Turn valve if present to on.  You should feel a steady trickle of water into your ass.  Again pull out and adjust temperature if necessary.  And make sure pressure is light.  You are slowly filling your intestines with water, not jet washing them.
  7. Once full (this may take a minute or two) pull attachment out, keeping hole tight as possible again.
  8. Again keep held in for 5 minutes or as long as is comfortable.
  9. Expel.
  10. Witness the difference between deep cleaning and bulb douching and realise just how much bulb douching doesn't get to.
  11. Repeat procedure until water runs pretty much clear again.
  12. Wait 20 minutes.
  13. Go to toilet again, sometimes it takes that 20 minutes or so for some of the really deep water to work itself out of you.  If it's dirty you may want to repeat everything all over again.
Depending on your body and what you've eaten etc, this usually lasts between 4 - 8 hours before you're at risk of anything getting dirty again.  You can go out, find a boy, bring him home, and get fucked by him in the safe knowledge you'll be clean and sparkly.  Or you can start taking fists to the elbows, or get fucked non stop all night.  Regardless, you'll be clean.  Whatever you do, remember to put your normal shower head back on, especially if you have flatmates.  I'm not being held responsible for that conversation.

Over-douching
Douching is amazingly handy.  Deep cleaning is awesome.  But a word of caution.  The intestines contain lots of helpful things in them designed to help digestion, stop us getting ill, all sorts of stuff really.  Yakult and Activia ads can tell you all about it I'm sure.  Douching, and especially deep cleaning, can wash these out, making our bodies less effective.  As a result, try not to over douche.  I'm not sure on exact specifics, but I probably don't recommend deep cleaning more than 2 or 3 times a week, and if you're getting fucked all night long more often than that, you don't deserve sympathy from the rest of us when your body doesn't work right you lucky bastard :P  Be sensible kids.  

Bath cleaning
This isn't really douching, but it is a way of making life a little easier if you are super tight, have IBS or something that makes it hard to douche etc.  Get in a deep bath with no soap products in it.  Get some silicone lube (which doesn't wash out in water alone so will work underwater), and start playing with your hole.  Work yourself open.  You'll get a bit of water in your hole and it'll clean maybe the first inch or so of your sphincter.  It's not much, but it'll make playing with yourself a little easier and nicer.

Forward Planning
So if you've been paying attention you've probably noticed that cleaning out can take a fair amount of your time.  Tops really do have it easy, they just turn up and fuck.  A good bottom has to plan ahead.  Bulb douching tends to take around half an hour.  Deep cleaning can take up to an hour and a half.  As you learn how your body responds to things and how to judge it etc you'll get quicker and maybe shave off a bit of time, but yeah, cleaning out, it takes time.  A good bottom actually can't just come straight over in 5 minutes with no warning whatsoever unless he by chances has already prepared.  (Though equally, a good bottom will prepare before he starts cruising).  You should also think about what you eat.  Whatever you put in your mouth is gonna end up somewhere near your ass several hours later even when deep cleaning.  How long it takes to be a problem depends on how well you cleaned out and what you're doing, but it's just something to be aware of.  Some greedy bottom boys don't eat at all if they're going to a sex club that day, or some go on liquid only diets for the day.  Again it all comes down to being aware of your body and how it works and thinking about what you're doing with it.


Fin:

That's pretty much your basic guide to bottoming people.  I've covered all the important details, but that in no way means I'm done.  I've come this far, I might as well go all the way and talk to you about all sorts of other things relevant to bottoming, starting with three housekeeping issues:

Grooming:
Now this is all down to personal preference, both of you, and the guy fucking you.  Some guys like completely smooth, some guys like trimmed, some guys like hairy, some guys like full on gorilla, whatever works for you.
If you do wanna remove hair there are many ways - trimming is good for getting rid of long  hair or keeping it tidy.  You can buy body trimmers from just about anywhere these days for £25 or so.  Shaving is the most obvious method of full hair removal.  Yes it is possible to shave your own ass, yes it takes practice.  LOTS of practice.  And yes you will end up with shaving bumps and the occasional cut.   Just like shaving your face.  It grows back thicker stubble and requires very regular upkeep to stop from getting itchy and uncomfortable whether on your ass or crotch.  GO SLOWLY, the skin in your entire pelvic area is rather sensitive and rather fragile (though I probably don't need to tell that to any guy sticking a blade in the viciinty of his cock).  Creams are a good way of getting rid of hair and require less regular maintenance than shaving.  Always buy the sensitive skin version.  And don't leave on too long.  Either way you may still find they burn, if so stop using them.  Creams burn me so I shave.  It's a hassle, but better than chemical burns on my balls thanks.  Waxing is as effective as cream and also long lasting, but usually requires someone else to do it for you.  You can even get laser hair removal in such areas.  The people I know who've had it done swear by it.  Though it does involve putting your ass and cock in the path of a laser....

Condoms:
I've made very little mention in this post of whether condoms are involved or not.  I leave you to make your own decisions.  You're all adults.  You should all know the risks.  I don't want to lecture you and I don't want lectures from for you.    The principle of how to get fucked is exactly the same whether you use them or not.  You tend to need more lube with condoms and they do increase discomfort to varying degrees for the bottom, but they stop the spread of STIs and are good practice, especially if you're picking up random shags.  Like lubes, you can get trial packs with all sorts of different kinds of condoms in, find what works for you, both as a bottom and as a top, and stock up on them.  Whatever you do be sensible about it, and respectful of others.

Time Frames::
A lot of people when I started talking about writing this sent me messages saying they were interested because they'd like to bottom but always had problems.  I firmly believe anyone can bottom with enough determination and patience.  But how long it might take you varies from person to person.  I've always been good at taking cock.  But I know not everyone is.  Some people have to work really fucking hard at it.  No pun intended.  You're almost definitely gonna need to take time playing with yourself before you move onto toys, or playing with others.  If necessary just tease your hole with some lubed up fingers, not going in at all, just getting your hole comfortable with the sensation of something on it, over the course of an entire evening go from hardly touching to the amount of pressure you use to to push a tablet out of a blister pack.  And I mean take the entire fucking evening to build up to that if you need to.  Your body gets used to sensations, but different people get used to them at different rates.  If you really struggle to take anything, it's gonna take you a while to get anything inside you, but if you keep trying, and keep practising, and easing your body into the sensations associated with it, you'll get there eventually.

Bottoming is a skill like any other in the world, if you want to get really good at it you have to practice.  Regularly.  As in 3 or more times a week.  And if you are charcoal into diamond style tight that might even involve gritting through a bit of pain here and there.  Not too much, please don't damage yourselves.  But sometimes you have to push yourself through things in life if you really wanna try it and do it.  If you're lucky you're born into the world as a natural bottom, just like some are born as natural tops, natural athletes, natural scholars, whatever it may be.  Everyone else has to work at it, just like they have to work at most things in the world.  Don't expect sex to be any different.


Advanced Bottoming:


There are so many places to go once you've learnt how to bottom well.  That doesn't have to mean you bottom all the time, or even regularly, but knowing how to bottom and being capable of doing so when you want to is a trait practically every guy's gonna appreciate about you.  I'm not gonna do how to guides here, just some comments on various areas.

Stretching
The anus is surprisingly elastic.  If treated well, again by relaxing properly and with patience, you won't do it any damage, and given time to recover it will return to whatever sort of states your body considers normal.  Getting fisted doesn't make you incontinent.  Getting fisted to the elbow every night might very well do, but the occasional heavy play session isn't gonna do you any damage if done right.  You may find after heavy sessions doing whatever you need to give your ass a day or two off following.  Treat your ass well and it'll let you do practically anything to it.

Poppers
Some people called poppers, also called room odorizers, video head cleaner, all sorts of things.  You inhale them people.  They provide a slight high during inhalation and for a brief period after and they act as a muscle relaxant.  They can help you to take a little bit more or supress the initial pain of penetration and they can be fun in their own right during sex.  If you're not a confident bottom, I recommend trying the stuff in my post WITHOUT them first, once you're properly aware of what you're trying to do and how to go about it, then throw poppers into the mix if you want 'em

Analgesic Sprays
These are the lubes and sprays that slightly numb the skin around the ass.  Like poppers they're designed to aid penetration for people who find it difficult.  Frankly, I don't recommend them.  Pain is your body telling you something's wrong, it's telling you you're doing damage, you're going too fast, stretching too much, and need to stop or slow down.  Yes it's frustrating and it takes longer to work through the pain naturally, but personally I don't think you should be suppressing the body's natural reactions - they're there for a reason people

Size Issues and Training
I've written all this assuming you're using something vaguely appropriate to your ability to bottom in terms of size.  Don't try and take too much, you can work up to it later.  You can get dildos smaller than a little finger, and buttplugs that are only an inch in girth so even if you're really tight, don't lose hope.  There is a toy for you.  And they increase in size all the way up to full traffic cone sized door stops.  The trick to taking more is again, more patience, more lube, start small, with what you can do, and over a long period of time, work onto slowly bigger things.  As I said above, the anus is fairly elastic and can adjust itself pretty impressively, but it needs the chance to do so.

Positions
Like with the condoms and lube, try every position imaginable, try being on top, underneath, on your side, find a gay kama sutra online and try everything you can do in it.  Different positions work differently for each person.  You might find being on your back with your legs in the air incredibly painful, but taking it doggy style might have you moaning so loud the neighbours complain.  I can't cum when I have a guy riding me (that's not to say I don't enjoy it).  You get different sensations from all these different positions because they put pressure on each of your bodies in slightly different ways and tense different sets of muscles and mean whatever's going into you at slight different angles.  Find the one that works for you.

Curved Cocks
On the subject of angles, some guys have really curved cocks, this can present a problem when being penetrated because it may mean your rectum is being pushed into your bladder, abdominal cavity, wherever as the guy thrusts into you and this can make it painful or simply uncomfortable.  This is where different positions can really help.  What way does the guy's cock curve?  Think about what that's gonna be like when it's inside you, and adjust for the straightest and most comfortable fuck.  That said, sometimes a guy with a really curved cock can hit the right spot in a way a guy with a straight cock can't hope to.  A curved cock isn't a bad thing...

Depth Play
Deep Cleaning is really the trick here, but neither you nor the top should be too surprised if the end of whatever it is inside you does get covered in something.  It's unfortunate and embarrassing, but it's an occupational hazard, even just from normal fucking with the best preparation.  Sometimes it happens.  Deal with it, move on.  Be a fucking grown up.

Fisting
Cut your nails when fisting a guy, you don't wanna cause any bleeding by scratching something, however minor.  It's incredibly uncomfortable for the bottom.  If using gloves make sure your lube is compatible with them.  Oil degrades latex.  Most fisting lubes are oil based.   Most gloves are latex based.  Do the math.  You can get water based fisting lubes, they're just not as common.  Let the bottom control the pace, depth, etc.  He's trusting you a hell of a lot when your fist is buried in his ass even if he only met you 10 minutes ago.

Double Penetration
Very possible, very fun.  Same principles apply just twice over.  Lots more lube.  Lots more patience and trying.  You might have to adjust to get the angles right.  Easiest one is bottom riding one guy, other one comes up behind him.

Less Lube
Over time if you bottom regularly you'll probably find you need less lube as your body gets used to things.  There's not really any huge advantage to using less lube, aside from maybe some cost savings and a little less mess to clear up.  If in doubt, add extra lube.  It's fun to just spit and shove, but most guys can't take that.

Body Awareness
Practically everything I've written in the more than 7000 words above should have given you the impression that basically it all comes down to being aware about your body.  What it's doing, how it works, why it responds to certain things in certain ways, how to get desired responses out of it, how to train it into particular things and what you can expect from it.  I have learnt over the years most people do not know their own bodies very well, especially when it comes to sex.  And extra especially when it comes to anal sex.  If you take the time to learn these things, everything becomes SO much easier.

Caveat
You don't have to do everything on this list.  You may just wanna get fucked by your boyfriend occasionally rather than become some pnp fisting power bottom.  I get a lot of questions from a lot of different people, so I've tried to cover all bases on some levels.  The basic cleaning and penetration techniques are good knowledge for everyone, but as I've repeatedly stated throughout this post.  Find what works for you, what you're comfortable with, and go with that.  Not whatever other people, or me, or the internet, or whoever says.  Go with what you like and you're interested in.


A Word for Bottoms:


It's fun, it's amazing, it's awesome, we love it.  Don't wreck yourselves, don't hurt yourselves, and never ever forget you are in charge.  No matter what.  It becomes rape the second you withdraw consent, no matter how much "you were clearly gagging for it".  If it hurts, if its not working for you, if something's wrong.  Change it.  Some of you like it to hurt a bit, some of you like to be used and not get that much pleasure out of it.  That's fine, because in doing that it IS working for you.  But whatever you do, make sure it's something you're happy and comfortable with.  Your ass will thank you in the long run.


A Word for All of You:

Repost, retweet, reblog, share, educate.  Let me know if you have any thoughts or comments on it.  Let me know if you think I should talk about something I haven't.  Let me know if you have something you think I could include.  Credit me please.  I spent my time and energy writing all this up, and I'm happy to share it, but at least credit where you actually got it from.  Also feel free to read the rest of my blog, it's very self involved and totally crazy and not actually to do with sex at all, mostly.  But people seem to enjoy it.


EDIT:  I wrote a follow up post responding to some of the points people have raised and clarifying further points, it can be found here.

Monday, 9 January 2012

Have you ever seen blood in the moonlight?

N.B. This is NOT a be all and end all guide, or even necessary the best way to do it.  This is what I have found based on my experiences.  This does not mean you should follow it, that it's for everyone, or that other people doing this will even agree with me.  This is my blog, with my thoughts on the subject, from what I've learnt.


So I was thinking of doing some sex related blog posts.  Which will probably come later.  Though in fairness this one is very much related..

A friend said I should talk about needle & bloodplay, and how to do it safely, as I'm one of the few people into it, and someone who actually understands the risks and such and knows how to avoid them etc.  Most of my friends know im into blood and needles.  And whilst none of them are, lots have a sort of morbid curiosity and are intrigued as to how it works, what level I'll do it to, what happens if things go wrong etc.

I'm not going to post how to do needle or bloodplay.  They are very very dangerous things that you should only ever do with someone experienced in it themselves, and learn from them.  No matter how many disclaimers I give here, I'm not going to post something that might lead to someone following it and getting it all wrong and hurting themselves or someone else, potentially fatally.  If you want to learn, you need to learn these things from someone who already knows it.  I will however, post about some of the issues and concerns to do with it.


First of all, lets deal with this basic concept of OMGTHISISFUCKINGDANGEROUS.  Seriously people, I'm into this shit and it's dangerous as hell.  There is a concept called Safe Sane Consensual Kink; SSCK.  There is a further concept called Risk Aware Consensual Kink; RACK.  This latter concept applies to any kink,in general in my opinion, but especially to the ones that are obviously a lot riskier - suspension, breathplay, chemsex, any form of edge play etc.  Yes yes we all hate health and safety.  But with all things, and especially blood/needleplay you should be very aware of what the dangers are, how to mitigate them, any individual issues that may present further risks that may not otherwise be obvious and KNOW YOUR LIMITS.  What are you capable of and how far can you be pushed?  I love being bitten and I can take biting on my shoulder blades or the back of my neck intensely hard, but everywhere else on my body I tend to be very sensitive.  I know this, and I adapt my kink accordingly.  So should you.  This is one of the many many reasons its important to learn this kind of kink play from someone who already knows it, you're dealing with an area where going past your limits doesn't just mean an unpleasant experience and perhaps some physical discomfort for a day or two, pushing yourself too far or too fast and ignoring the risks in this area can kill, paralyze, or at best give you a horrible infection.

Infections:
These are the major serious concern with blood/needleplay.  (For the record, I appreciate they are entirely different, if often concurrent, kinks, but I'm lumping them together here as the issues are pretty identical).  Safe sex, this is not.  Whether doing (relatively) light needleplay or full on cutting or even drinking of blood, at least one of you is exposing an open wound and fresh blood to the world and the other person(s).  Any blood borne illnesses, including of course HIV, are thus WAY out in the open.  A simple splatter can send whatever that person has flying into your mouth, eyes, nasal cavaties, urethra, vagina, anus, wherever.  (Incidently, this is why you shouldn't combine any form of flogging etc with blood - sends microscopic drops of blood flying EVERYWHERE - especially a concern if you have an audience).  On the reverse side, that person's immune system is now exposed to a lot.  It doesn't have the normal barriers of skin, saliva, mucus, etc to protect the body from infection, anything can get straight into their bloodstream right there no problem.  This is why when doing blood/needleplay you need to be VERY aware.  Especially if you're the top/dom/active/controlling partner.  You cannot necessarily rely in the receiving partner, a lot of them will go into subspace when doing this level of kink and may not be totally aware or coherent.  YOU have to think, and look, for both of you.

Reducing infection risk is pretty straight forward and obvious.  It's the same thing we've all had when we've gone to the doctors.  All equipment used must be sterile.  Preferably any kind of sharps should be single use and dispoable.  If you stop, and put it down for any reason, discard it and use a new one.  If you're using something again and again, either resterilize it, or make sure you put it somewhere clean and sterile in the first place.  WEAR GLOVES.  this is the simplest way of stopping infection.  Hands are dirty dirty places people. Especially during sex/kink.  Think of all the myriad places you might put them.  Or what you might pick up in your hand.  And where has that bottle of lube been during its lifetime?  Clean things, sterilize them, let them dry, wear gloves, and dispose of anything used PROPERLY.  And wash things clean afterwards.  Don't use soap on fresh wounds it'll just irritate them, just wash with plenty of clean water.  If you're really masochistic you could use surgical spirits or alcohol gel to truly sterilize the area around the wound, but it'll hurt like fuck.

Disposal:
You've been using sharps of some kind, that are now infected with at least one person's blood.  And are still sharp and pointy.  You can't just throw these in the trash people, they'll cut through your bin bag and put someone else's blood into some unsuspecting sap.  And blood is traceable :P  Ideally, all sharps should be disposed of in a sharps bin (you can buy these online - they're smaller versions of the big ones you see in hospitals).  When they're full take them to your local hospital or GP clinic and ask them to dispose of them.  If you have the confidence to do blood/needleplay on someone you should have the confidence to take responsibility for saying "here's a box of needles, please dispose of them safely for me."  Any other contaminated materials should ideally be incinerated.  I appreciate this may not be practical for everyone for whatever reasons, though really its what you should be doing.  As a secondary option, and I stress, SECONDARY, get a thick plastic container, some thick tupperware or the like.  CAREFULLY wrap up the sharp ends of sharps, in newspaper, bubblewrap, tape, etc.  Place the sharps and all contaminated materials into the container.  Seal it, and wrap that up with tape so the lid doesn't come off in the trash.  Write on the container DANGER CONTAINS SHARPS, and then dispose of with your normal trash.  But a sharps bin costs you all of a few £'s so please do this instead.

Maybe this all seems like excessive overkill to you, but frankly, with this kind of kink, at this kind of level, I'd rather be hugely over cautious than end up with a scalpel in someone's spine by accident.  And that leads us nicely to:

What to do when things go wrong:
With luck it hasn't gone too horribly wrong, maybe you cut a little deeper than you intended, or the pain was a little too intense for the receiver, maybe you've noticed a little too much blood than you'd expect, there is a myriad of things that could go wrong with this kind of play, the trick is to stay calm, stay in control, let the controlling partner do their job, and fix the problem as soon as possible.  It might be something really simple like you just happened to get a needle inserting itself right along a nerve ending.  It's unfortunate coincidence but it happens - usually the area goes red and inflammed pretty quickly.  Or it might be worse.  Whatever it is some decent first aid training is gonna come in pretty handy, an understanding of the body's pain response processes and the blood system is gonna be a godsend, and you should already have all the first aid equipment within reach.  Not across the other side of the person's body.  Not on the table behind you.  Next to you.  With everything you need.  Wound dressings, plasters, surgical spirits, swabs, gauze, scissors, AND A PHONE.  I always keep a phone within easy reach just in case things go SERIOUSLY wrong.  You can keep pressure on the wound to stem the bleeding and be on the phone to 999 at the same time as quickly as humanly possible.  Assuming it's just a minor incident, it's just simple first aid and wound dressing.  If it is safe to do so - i.e. it's not gonna cause more problems if you do this, remove whatever you've inserted wherever, and apply pressure as you would to any other wound.  Clean the area, and dress it appropriately.  If it wasn't obvious already if you've got to the point of dressing wounds the scene should have been completely stopped and not continue.  No matter what your sub says.  Remember your sub may still be very much in subspace, they potentially have a lot of chemicals floating in their body from the pleasure/pain responses that your play session has caused so far.  They may not act helpful or be thinking clearly.  And so you have to be the sensible one.  If the wound needs it, get to A&E as quickly as possible after.  Again this may all be over cautious, but needle and bloodplay are very dangerous things when done properly, let alone when things go wrong or if done improperly, so if you're not sure, or uncertain, or unconfident.  DON'T.


That's as much as I'm gonna write on the subject really.  I said I didn't want to get into talking about what sort of things I do and how I go about them because I don't want people to take them as a guide.  You need to learn your own limits, your own interests, and you REALLY need to learn it IN PERSON from someone who knows their stuff already.  This is not something you should be learning over the internet kids.

That said, there are certain resources to go to for more information.

I fully recommend the people at edgeplay.co.uk  They sell lots of supplies very cheaply and they really know their stuff.  They've seen it all, done it all, heard it all, and they are some of the best people to talk to.  I think they're usually at the London Fetish Fair.

Fetlife has some great groups and message boards and a lot of people who have been doing this a long time.  They can help talk to you about interests, resources in your community, best practices and techniques, and they can also give you all the horror stories about BAD instances of blood/needleplay

I myself am happy to talk to people on the subject further, but only in person, the stuff I've told you is about as much as I'm willing to tell you without knowing you're a sane person with half an idea of what they're asking about.


The next post will be on something far more normal, it's basically going to be a guide to being a good bottom.

New Year Addendum

Something which I did manage to improve upon last year; I didn't make it as a new year's resolution, it was something I picked up on at some point in the year and resolved to make an effort on then, was to tell people when I was thinking of them or noticed something about them, to tell them the reasons I admire them.

It didn't have to be big, it could just be a "thinking happy thoughts of you" moment text to the bf, or an "I saw this and thought of you" thing.  I didn't make a huge fuss of it or actively force any of it.  I tried to tell people the things I liked and admired about them when it was a suitable point - when they were feeling down and hated themselves, when they did something and I could go "I've noticed you're really good at that" where other people normally aren't, or other things like that.

Because it's really nice to get that kind of sentiment.  To know that someone's thinking of you, it doesn't have to lead to anything else, or mean anything further, but it's a nice little bit of happy to your day.  Maybe someone notices something that you're really proud of but no-one seems to appreciate, and being told just makes it all worth it suddenly.  Maybe it's something you never noticed about yourself, as far as you're concerned it's just you being you, but to have someone stop and tell you what it means to them can put a smile on your face the entire day.

Yeah yeah, wouldn't the world be a better happier place if we all did this every so often.  But we've all been in that situation where someone has said or done something and it gave us a little ego boost and improved our day.  Even a stranger commenting on the geeky tshirt you're wearing out in town can do it.  So I just got to thinking it'd be nice to stop keeping these thoughts to myself and actually tell people when the opportunity arose.

Sure I haven't told everyone something, and maybe there's nothing to say, it depends on how I interact with people, but when I do notice myself thinking these things, I'm now pretty good at mentioning them within a few weeks or so and just making someone smile, if only for their lunch break.


So no, it wasn't a new year's resolution, but it is a way I feel I've managed to improve myself in the last year.

The New Year Round Up

Yes I'm aware it's more than a week into 2012, but this is the first time I've felt like sitting down and actually hashing this thing out.

So I think we can all agree on the fact that 2011 was a pretty shit year all round, honestly, i can count the number of people I know who actually seemed to have a good year on one hand.  Everyone had a rubbish time and whilst it's a completely arbitrary point to take as a guide for when we hope everything will start anew and we get clean states, we all like to believe it, so here's to a much improved 2012.

What did I get up to in 2011?  Well I started it in a crushing depressive episode that had me suicidal over Christmas 2010 to the point where I, of all people, actually went to the docs and asked for help.  So yeah that was not a great way to see in the new year.  I think I actually slept through new years itself.  Getting help didn't go great.  I got my psych assessment so I'm actually officially insane these days, but getting actual treatment was a problem, 3 month waiting lists and they can only see if you live in the area.  I'm a Londoner.  I rent.  I can move every 6 months if that's the way contracts work out.  So yeah, I moved, and I didn't fancy starting that whole process all over again.  It took a lot to get me to do it in the first place.  You lot know me and psychiatrists simply do not get on.  And as part of my assessment, both myself and the docs agreed that in my case, drugs are not the answer because actually they'll just make me worse.  So I can't even get drugs for short term relief,  a long term blessing, but at the worst points of my low periods, I really regret that fact.

I spent the first 5 months working ridiculous hours.  I worked 70-90 hours a week for the first 6 weeks of the year.  In May I got my first bit of decent holiday, I took 10 days off work.  And my god did I need it.  It made me realise just how much I need to socialize and see people, despite how insular I can be and my need for a fair amount of alone time to ponder my thoughts.  90 hours a week was not conducive to socializing, so upon my return to work I made a very concerted effort to make sure I did something social at least once a week, no matter what the cost, what time it meant getting in that night, how early I had to get up the next day; I suddenly realised I had full on cabin fever from only ever being at work or at home, and I needed to break out of that or I was actually going to break down and go full on crazy.

I started playing geeky tabletop roleplaying games with a group of friends, and I clung onto that as the anchor for my life each week, because sometimes it was the only freedom I got.  During the summer I was working 6 nights a week so the chance on my free night to see 5 or 6 of my friends and know I'd end up laughing to the point of tears each week kept me going.  The summer was not a great period in general to be honest.  Mid May I broke up with Chris, the guy I'd been with for 6.5 years and engaged to for 3 of them.  It wasn't any big thing, and sure we had problems just like any couple, but eventually the million and one little things got to me, I think we grew in different directions, we're both people who know our own minds pretty well, but at the end of the day we met when we were 17, by 24 you've naturally changed quite a lot.  And whilst I felt we could try and struggle I knew I'd resent it over time.  And I don't want to resent the guy I'm in love with, the guy I want to marry.  I want to look at him and get a lump in my throat and not know what to say to beautiful person standing in front of me.  So I broke up with him whilst I still felt all that, and still do.  And whilst I've missed Chris, and I've missed having a boyfriend, someone to hug you when you feel down and climb into bed next to each night, I find it telling that I've never once thought to myself "that was a mistake, I shouldn't have done that."

Of course, Chris and I still had 6 weeks on our lease and shared a bedroom, which kinda screwed things up a bit.  I went to stay with my awesome friends Joel, Seany, Chris and Paul.  I stole their couch so much over the last year at all the times I needed it.  I could turn up at midnight and they would never turn me away, and one of them would walk in the morning and go "oh hello, so how long are you here for this time?"  That's what I want out of my friends, it's exactly what I would give any of them.  And I am so grateful to have found people who seem just as loyal to me as I am to them.  Any of them will always have bed or sofa space from me no matter what the reason, and where I am in the world.  Chris and I managed a relatively civil break up all things considered.  Sure there was crying and anger and frustration that the other person didn't seem as bad as you felt at any one time - it was a break up.  Of a long term relationship.  Of an engagement.  But no-one got punched and no police got involved so that's probably a win.  Chris went back to Cambridge and I carried on stumbling through a life in London.

Eventually I managed to finally quit my job at the Medieval Banquet.  It was a good job, and I enjoyed it, but there wasn't really anywhere to go in the job for me after a year and a half.  I want to go off and learn new things and further my skills.  And I couldn't get that there.  Normal people search for a new job and then quit the old one.  I've never been normal.  Deciding I had got all I could out of my current job I gave in a rather extended and flexible notice period which finally ended at the start of November, and since then I've been unemployed, broke, and attempting to dodge every single creditor I can.  I have never been one for the simple life.  I have to live my life careering from crisis to the next with all the highs and lows that entails, just like the inside of my mind.  It's hell, but I wouldn't have it any other way.  I'm so scared of being insignificant I'd rather be feared and vilified and burn out in a fiery inferno than simply fade into obscurity.  Sure we're all scared of this on some level.  I just decide to do something about it, for better or worse.

My parents went to New Zealand for a few months in November.  This left me with a free house and a car in London.  It was awesome.  Aside from having gastroenteritis for 3 weeks which totally sucked.  With no parents and no boyfriend I could spend a nice simple Christmas with friends in London, no driving around to 3 different places.  Boxing Day I went to my big family Christmas thing and faced all the questions about why they hadn't really seen me for a year and a half - most of it was due to work - my industry involves working weekends and practically every holiday.  So no, I'm not going to make it to their bank holiday lunches, or their Easter get togethers.  I'm not avoiding them. I work.  Of course then you get the earful about why you shouldn't work a job like that, but then apparently i shouldn't work the high paid job my dad works either so I just put it down to family and them inevitably complaining whatever choices you make in life.  The New Year 2011/2012 I saw in with a big party at my parent's empty country house with lots of awesome gay kinky friends where inevitably all sorts of things happened.  I ended up crashing emotionally about half way through, but I hid it well and I had a much better time than the previous year.

The last week I've spent flat broke, and yet having an amazing time thanks to all kinds of people that I've largely met in the last 12 months.  Twitter has been amazing,  I have got talking to more people, learnt more about the world, got the first breaking news reports, made more friends, and picked up more shags through twitter than any other medium in the last year, probably more than all of the other mediums combined.  Seriously people get on twitter.  I've met so many great people through there and there are still loads I'm trying to meet where our schedules just haven't meshed up yet.

My love life continues to be as crazy and fucked up and complicated as ever.  I'm still in love with Chris.  I'm still in love with 2 other boys.  There is a growing number of boys I love, but am not in love with (it's a random semantic difference but if you know me you tend to understand what I mean).  I love Vampy even though he's far away and in Australia and I never get to see him.  I love Joel even though he's going through his own personal hell at the moment and closing himself off from everything to the point where I haven't seen him in 4 months.  I love Axdn, the paranoid schizophrenic who takes up so much of my time and is worth it in every way.  I love Salvador who has fast become one of my best friends, we are an old married couple, or probably were in a past life, much to the confusion of all but it works.  My best friend in the whole world Jme I haven't seen in 2 years and he's still my best friend as far as I'm concerned.  I met a boy who I liked but he had a boyfriend and now has another one, so there went that hope.  I met another boy who I could have fallen so hard and so fast for and had to stop myself because I wouldn't be good for him.  And yet every time I see him I want to start falling again.  One day in December I woke up and within 45 minutes 3 people had told me they loved me.

I have this crazy messy life, and some days I really hate it, and some days I don't want to be here and I wonder what on earth the point in struggling through all this is when either it amounts to nothing, or it gets washed away in some kind of afterlife at the end of the day anyway.  But through all that, I know I'm blessed. It's taken me a long time to find the friends I now have.  I've changed friendship groups so many times in my life, and I've reinvented myself again and again to present different things to different people, and finally, in the last year, I've realized that I've managed to find people that genuinely do love me for who I am, I can be whoever I want to be around them, and they never judge, they never question, they never berate or lecture.  They stick by my actions however misguided or idiotic and they give me a hug when I end up hurting myself just like they knew I would.  And they do this because they are my friends.  I've looked for friends like that for so long, and I didn't find these people at school, and uni, at work, I found them in all sorts of bizarre hidden corners of my life, and naturally being me, I found a lot of them through some kind of sexual context.  But they are amazing, and they've saved my life so many times in the last year that I don't know how I can begin to repay even one of them let alone the whole bunch.  And maybe one day I find a boyfriend that can do all this and more for me.



Resolutions?  There's no point in putting any big huge schemes here, we know we fail at them.  And why use new year for them?  It's a date based on the calculation of when our calendar happens to run out.  We all end up restarting our resolutions come Chinese New Year anyway.  So lets stick with things that are achievable:

1. Go to RoomServiceClub - I've been following this club since before it opened, it looks like an amazing place and I've just never managed to get there yet, I plan to change this shortly.

2. Pay off one credit card. - I officially have too much debt.  It's not much, but if I can come up with £100 extra each month to pay off on the credit card, that'll be one credit card paid off and only one more to go.  This will be a struggle given the way my finances inevitably work out, but I think it is actually doable within a year.

3. Find some more self confidence - possibly the biggest most unrealistic idea here, but that's why I'm leaving it open ended.  It might be more self confidence in my job, I've done a lot of things, more than most people my age, but I still feel so inferior compared to a lot of other 20 somethings in my industry.  It might be with boys.  I can sleep with guys easy enough, but talking to a boy I actually like?  Approaching a guy I find hot when I'm out?  I can't do it.  I freeze up.  My mind goes blank.  Maybe if I can just ask a few more guys for their phone numbers this year...  I don't really mind what part of my self confidence improves, but being consciously aware that I want to get better at it will hopefully spur me on to do something, even if it's just in one situation.  In an egotistical way I think if I could show the confidence I have when I'm just hanging out with my friends in other aspects of my life, I could be amazing and unstoppable, but outside of those people, I'm terrified.  Let's try and get that to just a horrible fear within the next year shall we?

That's it, short simple sweet, longer lists just ask for things to be ignored, or for really simple things to be put on it just to say you did some of your resolutions.

The Plan

Salvador
Jme
FDC
Adam
Axdn (believe it or not, HE keeps me grounded :P)


points for the title reference.

Friday, 6 January 2012

Checks all the boxes

Sexy
Constantly horny
Nice cock
House full of swords
Owns BSG, Deus Ex, and Zelda soundtracks
Plays Piano
Decent Job
Ambitious and never satisfied.
Broken on the inside
Hot in that way that every guy drools over.

Yes please, can I have one to go?

Wednesday, 4 January 2012

Forever Alone

That kid is still the most perfect boy I've ever met...

Ugh.

Sunday, 1 January 2012

Thanks, Dad...

Woke up to find my ex had posted this tweet:


Email from my ex's dad giving me a family year round up. Including a paragraph on how much happier my ex is without me. Yaaaay...




Oh gee great... I hadn't seen this email yet, so naturally immediately set my phone to check them.  My dad had sent out the big New Year's summary email to a his address book, which included this paragraph:


The big news of the summer was the breakup of Eddie and his fiancé Chris. They had been together over six years, since sixth form college and Chris was very much a part of Heywood family get-togethers so it would be very strange to find that he was no longer part of the crowd. Since then Eddie has given his job at the Medieval Banquet in London where he was technical manager (sound and lights) but seems somewhat happier with the burden of a malfunctioning relationship off his shoulders.




Well that's just great, thanks Dad.  Next time you write to tell everyone how ecstatically happy I am without my ex-fiancé maybe you might like to REMOVE HIM FROM THE DAMNED EMAIL LIST FIRST.


Yes honest to god mistake and all that I'm sure, but people have been fired for less.  I was honestly balking at the entire thing.  Yes my Dad might be twice the size of me in all 3 dimensions, but oh hell am I gonna rip him a new one for this when I pick him up from the airport tomorrow.  Seriously not impressed there.

A room with a view.

New Year summary post coming up, but in the meantime, here's a few things to keep you going.


The 5* hotel in Hong Kong my parents were staying at for New Years fucked up their booking.  This was a mistake.  My parents are customer service staff's worst nightmare.  I learnt well.  Old flatmates of mine are terrified of me just from the one side of phone conversations they've heard that I've had with estate agents who have pissed me off.  My mother managed to get places on a plane out of Rome for herself, my cousin, and 5 Americans she'd never met before during the week the Pope died.  This is the email my dad sent me about the HK hotel story, I also take this moment to point out, my mum is a 4'9" woman, intimidating in stature, she is not...



Arrived HK at 6.30am. At the Shangri La at 7am with early check in requested, and indicated for 8am with no guarantee. We also mention that on Tuesday we will be leaving early for an 8am flight.
At 8 am mum secures a breakfast whilst we are waiting. This is a 1 star Michelin restaurant so to be fair, a yummy brekie.

Still no room at 9.30 so Mum secures a room in which we can shower and change, which we do and around 10.30 we go for a walk round the hotel and shopping malls for as long as we can.
We return to the Horizon Lounge. Still no room. We sit and wait. Room will be ready by 2pm.
At 2.15 I enquire. During this time, no updates and no tea or coffee, in fact the staff are ignoring us. I am told the room is not ready and am offered a complimentary late check out as compensation. I remind the lady that we are leaving around 0545hrs....

I say I am not happy and walk off.
At this point Mum gets involved. I ask to speak to the duty manager.
She disappears.

The Horizon Lounge assistant manager arrives, nice young lady, very pleasant, explains what they are trying to do and I reply I am not her problem, my wife is and she has disappeared. The AM is aware that Mum has gone downstairs.

The day manager arrives, very concerned, explains that he has found a room (we were previously offered a smoking room, which we declined) that meets our requirements and is getting it prepared. I again state that I am not his problem, my wife is.

At this point Mum appears out of the lift with FOUR of the senior management in tow. She has made an absolute scene in the hotel lobby/main entrance and when the front desk manager appeared and tried to ask her what the problem was she just replied, it’s my husband that you need to talk to, follow me (and they all do back up to the 56th floor!)

He spends 15mins listening patiently (no doubt allowing time for his staff to get a room ready!) and then says it’s unacceptable service and what can he do to put things right. Mum rightly points out it’s not for us to ask; it’s for him to offer.

So here we are in our lovely harbour view room waiting for the fireworks. He could not provide an upgrade as the hotel is full tonight, but offered a suite upgrade for tomorrow night and said the staff would move us. I declined and said it was too much trouble.

We didn’t want a free dinner as we had planned not to eat anyway after the Horizon Lounge cocktails and canapés.

What we have got is
Bottle of red wine plus chocolates
2 bottles of beer plus chocolates
Chocolates
Jasmine tea and fruit
Plate of nougat
Limo service to the airport on Tuesday morning
Champagne and a big box of chocs just sent to the room with a letter of apology from the front desk manager
Every member of Horizon Lounge staff know our names, jump when we appear and ask if there is anything we need.
90 min massage each in the Health Club/Spa tomorrow night

We have a full day here tomorrow, should be interesting.



Like I say, you don't piss off my parents if you basically offer any form of customer services.  And I learnt from them.  Be warned...