No longer as truthful as should be deserved, some names, places and events deliberately vague to protect identities that aren't mine

Monday, 20 February 2012

Goodbye to You

I have no intention of letting you do to me what I watched you do to him.

Thanks for leading me on, but this time I'm gonna be strong,
I wish you weren't too scared to speak your goodbyes cuz
The truth is I wish you well, thanks for saving me from hell, I owe you one of the few I got left of my nine lives, well,
I can't help that I want to see you again,
But it takes two to start a string a long song, and only one to make it end.

Friday, 17 February 2012

Crash Course

Here's a brief education on Terence (who's coming over in March), from the man himself....

That should answer a lot of questions.

Wednesday, 15 February 2012


So I have a shit load of TV to catch up on.  I really mean a shit load.  And streaming online only works so well.  So if anyone has, or is planning on buying the boxsets of any of the following shows, could I please borrow them at some point because I haven't seen any of them, and for some shows that means I'm quite a few series behind!  Also it's a nice insight for you all into the full range of crap I tend to watch.  If you haven't heard of anything go look it up on wikipedia and you might find something new to go watch yourself.

Warehouse 13
The Borgias
Vampire Diaries
The Fades
Boardwalk Empire
Dance Moms
Extreme Couponing
Happy Endings
Parks and Recreation
Terra Nova
True Blood
Pan Am
Pretty Little Liars
American Horror Story
Into the Wild (film)

Saturday, 11 February 2012

A Measure of Salvation

Basically I'm overloading.  I'm too many things to too many people at the moment.  There are too many people who aren't bothering with me that I don't have the time or patience to continue trying with.  There are too many people I'm trying to support whilst I'm falling apart myself; people that I could ordinarily help, but right now I can barely keep myself going.  I came so close to completely breaking Wednesday and Thursday.  And sometimes I just want to close myself off from all of you, because even the good stuff is too demanding right now; it demands a response which itself is too taxing, but Thursday I managed to be in a social mood, and luckily it was obvious to me what would help, so I went to see Chris and Paul, and I offloaded some stuff and ignored others and got put in a vac-rack and talked about games and movies and was cooked an amazing dinner for and Paul came and gave me a hug - even Chris was shocked.  That meant so much to me coming from Paul.  It had me smiling all night.  And by pure coincidence tonight I saw my best friend for the first time in about 2 years, and he took me out and I remembered exactly why he's my best friend - he's the one person I can totally be free around, or rather, he's the one person that stimulates all aspects of my personality, normally I relate to people only in certain ways, and that's perfectly normal, but my best friend hits every single spot because he's exactly the same as me as well as my diametric opposite and it works so perfectly for us.

So right now, I'm not about to break, I've calmed down, and I've let go a little bit, and I'll be good for another few days.  But I am having to do the sensible thing, and turn round to people, good friends and point out I don't have time for their problems right now, because I can barely keep hold of my own.  I don't mean to be rude, and I will get back to a better state, but right now, I need you to be friends to me, because if I end up like I was about 6am Thursday morning again anytime soon, I know exactly what will happen, I wont run away, I won't commit suicide or anything like that, my mind will just break, I will go into complete emotional shock.  I could feel it on Thursday.  I could sense my emotions, I knew there were there, but I was totally detached from them, it was like when I astral project.  I could basically poke a rather large part of me that was my emotional reaction and know it was there, but I didn't feel it any way.  I'll end up like that for a few weeks if I'm not careful, so if I talk to you regularly and I'm now not, sorry, I'll be back, I just can't cope with any of you right now, you'll have to look elsewhere, and if I don't talk to you regularly and you find I'm not, I've decided I just don't have the patience to try with you any more, that's the way life works.

Lay Down Your Burdens (Part Two)

So in other news I got a boyfriend.  His name is Paul, he's 31, I met him through a mutual friend.  He's about an inch taller than me.  He lives 15 minutes drive or 5 minutes if i had a rubber dinghy away.  He's northern.  He's angry and violent.  He's not a total kink pervert but he likes choking and biting both ways, and so far he's fine with the whole "btw i'm a slut and also in love with like 3 other people" thing which is always an unpleasantly nerve wracking conversation with any boy I find I like.

It's nice having someone to sleep next to at night again, it's nice just being able to see him and smile and kiss him.  He's a big superman geek and that's all kinds of sexy to me.  I have to stop myself from seeing him all the time or I'd never get ANYTHING done, but that's good in a way :)

So naturally I'm terrified.  Because I'm a typical boy and don't deal well with the whole commitment thing.  Dating I love, dating I'm good at, relationships make me panic.  I start second guessing my feelings.  Whether I feel too much, whether I don't feel enough, how I feel compared to them...  And then when I have doubts I start to wonder if it's all worth it, if I'm not convinced it's going to work, if I have to question things, if I'm that unsure of myself, it's usually for a reason, and if all that's going on then why not cut my losses early, save a few broken hearts, or at least not shatter them into oblivion at any rate, and end it all now rather than 3 months down the line.  But then I know that this is all just my paranoia over how I'm feeling and being terrified of the whole relationship thing and at any rate if I don't try I'm never gonna get to that point where I find that 'one'.  But then what if it's not my paranoia and there is actually some genuine thought in there that's real and will only grow to be a bigger concern at some point.  Like I say, full blown paranoia, I second guess my second guessings.  It's not fun and leaves me very confused as to how I feel.

In some ways it would be easier if I just carried on in that dating limbo, but then I know the whole me sleeping with other guys or casually mentioning I'm in love with someone else thing would probably fuck things up and really screw up something with a guy I liked, so as troublesome as it is, it's usually a lot better for me to have that "what are we doing oh and btw you should know..." conversation sooner rather than later with a guy

Then again part of me feels I already met the perfect guy, I just can't have him.  And I know that he's agree in a heartbeat on some levels but I also know he's not interested in some ways.  It's complicated and just... ugh.  But regardless I suppose he's not an option, I should really get that into my head, but that's never gonna to happen.  See my lovelife is not fun.  It is awesome, but if any of you wanna take it of my hands and deal with the headfuck, by all means go for it.

I have no idea how Paul is going to cope with me going to America for 4 weeks, not to mention Terence coming over here for a week.  I mean he says he's okay with it and he realises there are things he can't give me so as long as I come back to him then he can cope, and that's almost perfect, but theory and practice are different, and I know I am not an easy person to be in a relationship with and I know what I ask in a way is actually hugely unrealistic and definitely unfair, but I've seen me when I try to not do this, and it leads to me on the verge of a total meltdown; ex-Chris can probably attest to this.  I'm a mess, but I'm a lot more of a mess when I try to be normal - even the docs agree trying to medicate me would go HORRIBLY HORRIBLY WRONG.

Umemployment is pissing me off, as is being broke.  At that point where I'll soon be going for any job rather than something career related.  Luckily, I'm quite good at getting any job, but still I'd rather have something career relevant.  Ah maybe I'll just fuck off out of the country on a cruise ship job for 6 months. save money, get a bit extra on my CV, etc.  I'm sure Paul would LOVE that.  I'm at that annoying point career wise where I'm overqualified to do the general jobs and underqualified to do all the stuff I'd find really interesting at this stage, so you just end up in limbo.  Plus of course there's no money in the arts and such.  Though it's also equally depressing to see people the same age as me and how wildly successful they are.  They probably don't see themselves as successful, but it does tend to make me feel shit and like a massive failure.  Irrational I know, but it happens.  Why, WHY could I not have found a love of accounting and audit hmmm?  That said, there are sneaky plans in the works, so watch this space...

Lay Down Your Burdens (Part One)

So I haven't blogged in a while.  Mostly because everything in life sorta broke, and I've had way too much to say, no idea how to say it, and no idea how to split it into little chunks, but I feel like writing something, so this may end up short, it may end up long if everything decides to come out at once.  First thing's first, music playlist is on, but I need a tea refill, bear with me...

Right now that that's sorted, let's get on with it.  So to summarize; I'm off to the US for a few weeks in March/April for my cousin's wedding and a holiday.  I've been broke and unemployed since November largely and am having fun dodging credit card companies and avoiding my rent.  I recently was so rude as to get myself a boyfriend 3 weeks before Valentines Day, he's my size, violent, and likes being choked and biting, which probably answers all questions as to what I see in him.  Lots of friends' lives are falling apart all at the same time, and on top of this my dad randomly decided he wants to leave my mum and told her this out of the blue a week after getting back from 3 months in New Zealand together, so naturally, I'm trying to deal with all that stuff.  Let's get stuck into it shall we?

So yes, my parents went to New Zealand for 3 months, cause my dad works a stupidly paid contracting job where he can do shit like that.  And they had a pretty good time from the sounds of it and had fun and then I went to pick them up from Heathrow just after New Years and that was all good and proper.  And then the following weekend my dad told my mum he wanted to leave her.  Which was a shock.  There had been no arguments or anything that would generally make you go "well it's a shame but it's probably for the best" or whatever.  Now my mum is one of those women who has pretty much built her entire life and identity around the man she loves.  I don't mean that in a bad way, it very very much worked for them (past tense being important at this juncture obviously).  She gets up at 6am, makes my dad a coffee, irons his shirt, drives him to the station in rush hour traffic, drives home, and then goes back to bed for a few hours before getting up again, cleaning the house, picking my dad up in the evening having ensured dinner is perfectly timed to be pulled out the oven and served as they get home.  Not for many of us I grant you, but it worked for them, very much a situation of for her it never seemed like work, it was things she was happy to do for her husband.  So facing the prospect of divorce a year before retirement, having just moved house 3 months earlier and blown a load of savings on 3 months in New Zealand was not a situation either herself, or I, expected to be the case here and now.

Now I've only really heard the situation from my mum's perspective, my dad is a very typical doesn't talk about these sorts of things guy, even when asked directly he'll just stonewall you.  This has never particularly bothered me, but it does mean I'm very aware I only have one side of the story.  But it's all I have to work with.  From discussions I've had with my mum about the situation and what my dad's said to her, and having a mind that works quite similarly to my dad's and thus giving me a good chance of relating to his thought process, especially compared to most people (cause you all know that my thought process isn't like a regular person's - well, I get that from my dad), it sounds like he's bored, frustrated with life, not at the point he would be, has just turned 50, and is going all mid life crisisey.  He said there's no-one else, though recently rather strong circumstantial evidence to the contrary has emerged.  Which is the odd thing, my dad is a good liar when he wants to be, and then he leaves glaringly obvious omissions in covering his ass, like he wants to get caught.  Ugh, men!

To be fair the cheating this is annoying me on many levels.  Loads of marriages have problems with affairs, I know this.  I know this from personal experience.  It all happened when I was 7 and it was when I first truly realised that my parents are fallible, that they too are human, and they are not perfect, they do not know everything, and sometimes, they fuck up, just like every kid.  But they got through it, and 18 years down the line they were still together, had renewed their vows a few years ago, and so on and so forth.  To go through 18 years only to have the adage 'once a cheater, always a cheater' proved pisses me off no end, mostly because I allowed myself to be fooled that I might be wrong on something (this is a bit admission where my head is concerned), but no wait long enough and apparently I was right all along and should have just gone with my gut.  It also annoys me cause my mum asked my dad if there was anyone else and he said no, but currently all signs point to yes.

It's not the lie in itself that annoys me, it's two things 1) I know people do bad things, stupid things, etc, I really don't care, that's their choice to make, but admit what you do, own up to it, own it, however you wanna phrase it.  I might not agree with your actions, but I'll at least respect you for them if you admit you're doing something fucked up.  It's like my view on the whole #bbbh phenomenon that I was discussing earlier. So long as people know the risks, accept them, admit to the fact they do it if asked, and don't go around stealthing people or whatever, it's their choice to make, I'm perfectly capable of choosing whether I wish to engage in such actions or not thank you very much, I don't need you to preserve my ethics.  And 2) The fact that my dad has actively avoided his family, and send an email announcement out to all my parents' friends (and then doesn't reply to their responses), rather than talk to them on the phone or in person, leaving my mum to have to deal with all of them.  Basically he's been a coward.  People being non-confrontational  is a pet hate of mine.  I'm not keen on people who are just plain confrontational by any means, but when its necessary confrontation, or as a consequence of action that you took, you need to get on with it or you piss me off.  My dad has, as far as I'm concerned at this point, shown that he's both a coward, and won't even admit to it.  I never thought I'd think those things about my dad.  Of course I know parental breakups mean the kids end up seeing the parents in all kinds of different lights, but it still sucks.  Plus I now have to completely re-evaluate the situation, because I was responding to it with a rather significant piece of information missing.

As I say, I might be wrong, I might only be half right, I don't know my dad's version of events, and he wont tell me even if I ask, but that means I'm working with what I do have.  To be honest, I'm not even so much violence or shouting angry now, as that kind of disappointment anger parents do when they're really pissed off at you that hurts so much more as a kid.  But I don't suppose it has the same reaction being done by a child to their parent as it does the other way around... I haven't yet decided if I'll end up yelling at my dad when I see him Sunday, just avoiding the house all week, or if I'll wont even have the energy to bother.  But be warned if I do randomly start asking for sofa space ;)

Lots of people keep telling me not to take sides, I don't really see it as that to be honest, I do have some sympathy for my dad, obviously he has a lot going on to get to this position in the first place.  But at the end of the day you're going to have a reaction, you're going to sympathize with one party more than the other and I'm going to offer my help when I'm asked for it.  The fact my mum is asking for lots whereas my dad wants to do the whole "I am an island" thing isn't my concern, if my dad turns round and asks for help I'll give it.  I'm not taking sides, I'm being human.  Though admittedly trying to be emotional support for someone when you don't have a proper emotional response to anything in the world is kinda tricky (this is a recurring theme in my life atm); I'm honestly just making up what I'm supposed to do from tropes etc and assuming that'll work, I think it is to a certain extent and it's not to others but oh well.

You know what I'm going to split this up into several posts or I'll end up with a load of tl;dr comments again that will make me want to bitchslap people.  So there we go, post one.

Someone like you

To me, this is the most perfect summary ever created of how I relate to all the people I'm not with, for whatever reason.  And yes, I know this is a cover version, I just prefer it to the original