No longer as truthful as should be deserved, some names, places and events deliberately vague to protect identities that aren't mine

Saturday, 11 February 2012

Lay Down Your Burdens (Part One)

So I haven't blogged in a while.  Mostly because everything in life sorta broke, and I've had way too much to say, no idea how to say it, and no idea how to split it into little chunks, but I feel like writing something, so this may end up short, it may end up long if everything decides to come out at once.  First thing's first, music playlist is on, but I need a tea refill, bear with me...

Right now that that's sorted, let's get on with it.  So to summarize; I'm off to the US for a few weeks in March/April for my cousin's wedding and a holiday.  I've been broke and unemployed since November largely and am having fun dodging credit card companies and avoiding my rent.  I recently was so rude as to get myself a boyfriend 3 weeks before Valentines Day, he's my size, violent, and likes being choked and biting, which probably answers all questions as to what I see in him.  Lots of friends' lives are falling apart all at the same time, and on top of this my dad randomly decided he wants to leave my mum and told her this out of the blue a week after getting back from 3 months in New Zealand together, so naturally, I'm trying to deal with all that stuff.  Let's get stuck into it shall we?

So yes, my parents went to New Zealand for 3 months, cause my dad works a stupidly paid contracting job where he can do shit like that.  And they had a pretty good time from the sounds of it and had fun and then I went to pick them up from Heathrow just after New Years and that was all good and proper.  And then the following weekend my dad told my mum he wanted to leave her.  Which was a shock.  There had been no arguments or anything that would generally make you go "well it's a shame but it's probably for the best" or whatever.  Now my mum is one of those women who has pretty much built her entire life and identity around the man she loves.  I don't mean that in a bad way, it very very much worked for them (past tense being important at this juncture obviously).  She gets up at 6am, makes my dad a coffee, irons his shirt, drives him to the station in rush hour traffic, drives home, and then goes back to bed for a few hours before getting up again, cleaning the house, picking my dad up in the evening having ensured dinner is perfectly timed to be pulled out the oven and served as they get home.  Not for many of us I grant you, but it worked for them, very much a situation of for her it never seemed like work, it was things she was happy to do for her husband.  So facing the prospect of divorce a year before retirement, having just moved house 3 months earlier and blown a load of savings on 3 months in New Zealand was not a situation either herself, or I, expected to be the case here and now.

Now I've only really heard the situation from my mum's perspective, my dad is a very typical doesn't talk about these sorts of things guy, even when asked directly he'll just stonewall you.  This has never particularly bothered me, but it does mean I'm very aware I only have one side of the story.  But it's all I have to work with.  From discussions I've had with my mum about the situation and what my dad's said to her, and having a mind that works quite similarly to my dad's and thus giving me a good chance of relating to his thought process, especially compared to most people (cause you all know that my thought process isn't like a regular person's - well, I get that from my dad), it sounds like he's bored, frustrated with life, not at the point he would be, has just turned 50, and is going all mid life crisisey.  He said there's no-one else, though recently rather strong circumstantial evidence to the contrary has emerged.  Which is the odd thing, my dad is a good liar when he wants to be, and then he leaves glaringly obvious omissions in covering his ass, like he wants to get caught.  Ugh, men!

To be fair the cheating this is annoying me on many levels.  Loads of marriages have problems with affairs, I know this.  I know this from personal experience.  It all happened when I was 7 and it was when I first truly realised that my parents are fallible, that they too are human, and they are not perfect, they do not know everything, and sometimes, they fuck up, just like every kid.  But they got through it, and 18 years down the line they were still together, had renewed their vows a few years ago, and so on and so forth.  To go through 18 years only to have the adage 'once a cheater, always a cheater' proved pisses me off no end, mostly because I allowed myself to be fooled that I might be wrong on something (this is a bit admission where my head is concerned), but no wait long enough and apparently I was right all along and should have just gone with my gut.  It also annoys me cause my mum asked my dad if there was anyone else and he said no, but currently all signs point to yes.

It's not the lie in itself that annoys me, it's two things 1) I know people do bad things, stupid things, etc, I really don't care, that's their choice to make, but admit what you do, own up to it, own it, however you wanna phrase it.  I might not agree with your actions, but I'll at least respect you for them if you admit you're doing something fucked up.  It's like my view on the whole #bbbh phenomenon that I was discussing earlier. So long as people know the risks, accept them, admit to the fact they do it if asked, and don't go around stealthing people or whatever, it's their choice to make, I'm perfectly capable of choosing whether I wish to engage in such actions or not thank you very much, I don't need you to preserve my ethics.  And 2) The fact that my dad has actively avoided his family, and send an email announcement out to all my parents' friends (and then doesn't reply to their responses), rather than talk to them on the phone or in person, leaving my mum to have to deal with all of them.  Basically he's been a coward.  People being non-confrontational  is a pet hate of mine.  I'm not keen on people who are just plain confrontational by any means, but when its necessary confrontation, or as a consequence of action that you took, you need to get on with it or you piss me off.  My dad has, as far as I'm concerned at this point, shown that he's both a coward, and won't even admit to it.  I never thought I'd think those things about my dad.  Of course I know parental breakups mean the kids end up seeing the parents in all kinds of different lights, but it still sucks.  Plus I now have to completely re-evaluate the situation, because I was responding to it with a rather significant piece of information missing.

As I say, I might be wrong, I might only be half right, I don't know my dad's version of events, and he wont tell me even if I ask, but that means I'm working with what I do have.  To be honest, I'm not even so much violence or shouting angry now, as that kind of disappointment anger parents do when they're really pissed off at you that hurts so much more as a kid.  But I don't suppose it has the same reaction being done by a child to their parent as it does the other way around... I haven't yet decided if I'll end up yelling at my dad when I see him Sunday, just avoiding the house all week, or if I'll wont even have the energy to bother.  But be warned if I do randomly start asking for sofa space ;)

Lots of people keep telling me not to take sides, I don't really see it as that to be honest, I do have some sympathy for my dad, obviously he has a lot going on to get to this position in the first place.  But at the end of the day you're going to have a reaction, you're going to sympathize with one party more than the other and I'm going to offer my help when I'm asked for it.  The fact my mum is asking for lots whereas my dad wants to do the whole "I am an island" thing isn't my concern, if my dad turns round and asks for help I'll give it.  I'm not taking sides, I'm being human.  Though admittedly trying to be emotional support for someone when you don't have a proper emotional response to anything in the world is kinda tricky (this is a recurring theme in my life atm); I'm honestly just making up what I'm supposed to do from tropes etc and assuming that'll work, I think it is to a certain extent and it's not to others but oh well.

You know what I'm going to split this up into several posts or I'll end up with a load of tl;dr comments again that will make me want to bitchslap people.  So there we go, post one.

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