No longer as truthful as should be deserved, some names, places and events deliberately vague to protect identities that aren't mine

Saturday, 11 February 2012

Lay Down Your Burdens (Part Two)

So in other news I got a boyfriend.  His name is Paul, he's 31, I met him through a mutual friend.  He's about an inch taller than me.  He lives 15 minutes drive or 5 minutes if i had a rubber dinghy away.  He's northern.  He's angry and violent.  He's not a total kink pervert but he likes choking and biting both ways, and so far he's fine with the whole "btw i'm a slut and also in love with like 3 other people" thing which is always an unpleasantly nerve wracking conversation with any boy I find I like.

It's nice having someone to sleep next to at night again, it's nice just being able to see him and smile and kiss him.  He's a big superman geek and that's all kinds of sexy to me.  I have to stop myself from seeing him all the time or I'd never get ANYTHING done, but that's good in a way :)

So naturally I'm terrified.  Because I'm a typical boy and don't deal well with the whole commitment thing.  Dating I love, dating I'm good at, relationships make me panic.  I start second guessing my feelings.  Whether I feel too much, whether I don't feel enough, how I feel compared to them...  And then when I have doubts I start to wonder if it's all worth it, if I'm not convinced it's going to work, if I have to question things, if I'm that unsure of myself, it's usually for a reason, and if all that's going on then why not cut my losses early, save a few broken hearts, or at least not shatter them into oblivion at any rate, and end it all now rather than 3 months down the line.  But then I know that this is all just my paranoia over how I'm feeling and being terrified of the whole relationship thing and at any rate if I don't try I'm never gonna get to that point where I find that 'one'.  But then what if it's not my paranoia and there is actually some genuine thought in there that's real and will only grow to be a bigger concern at some point.  Like I say, full blown paranoia, I second guess my second guessings.  It's not fun and leaves me very confused as to how I feel.

In some ways it would be easier if I just carried on in that dating limbo, but then I know the whole me sleeping with other guys or casually mentioning I'm in love with someone else thing would probably fuck things up and really screw up something with a guy I liked, so as troublesome as it is, it's usually a lot better for me to have that "what are we doing oh and btw you should know..." conversation sooner rather than later with a guy

Then again part of me feels I already met the perfect guy, I just can't have him.  And I know that he's agree in a heartbeat on some levels but I also know he's not interested in some ways.  It's complicated and just... ugh.  But regardless I suppose he's not an option, I should really get that into my head, but that's never gonna to happen.  See my lovelife is not fun.  It is awesome, but if any of you wanna take it of my hands and deal with the headfuck, by all means go for it.

I have no idea how Paul is going to cope with me going to America for 4 weeks, not to mention Terence coming over here for a week.  I mean he says he's okay with it and he realises there are things he can't give me so as long as I come back to him then he can cope, and that's almost perfect, but theory and practice are different, and I know I am not an easy person to be in a relationship with and I know what I ask in a way is actually hugely unrealistic and definitely unfair, but I've seen me when I try to not do this, and it leads to me on the verge of a total meltdown; ex-Chris can probably attest to this.  I'm a mess, but I'm a lot more of a mess when I try to be normal - even the docs agree trying to medicate me would go HORRIBLY HORRIBLY WRONG.

Umemployment is pissing me off, as is being broke.  At that point where I'll soon be going for any job rather than something career related.  Luckily, I'm quite good at getting any job, but still I'd rather have something career relevant.  Ah maybe I'll just fuck off out of the country on a cruise ship job for 6 months. save money, get a bit extra on my CV, etc.  I'm sure Paul would LOVE that.  I'm at that annoying point career wise where I'm overqualified to do the general jobs and underqualified to do all the stuff I'd find really interesting at this stage, so you just end up in limbo.  Plus of course there's no money in the arts and such.  Though it's also equally depressing to see people the same age as me and how wildly successful they are.  They probably don't see themselves as successful, but it does tend to make me feel shit and like a massive failure.  Irrational I know, but it happens.  Why, WHY could I not have found a love of accounting and audit hmmm?  That said, there are sneaky plans in the works, so watch this space...

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