No longer as truthful as should be deserved, some names, places and events deliberately vague to protect identities that aren't mine

Saturday, 11 February 2012

A Measure of Salvation

Basically I'm overloading.  I'm too many things to too many people at the moment.  There are too many people who aren't bothering with me that I don't have the time or patience to continue trying with.  There are too many people I'm trying to support whilst I'm falling apart myself; people that I could ordinarily help, but right now I can barely keep myself going.  I came so close to completely breaking Wednesday and Thursday.  And sometimes I just want to close myself off from all of you, because even the good stuff is too demanding right now; it demands a response which itself is too taxing, but Thursday I managed to be in a social mood, and luckily it was obvious to me what would help, so I went to see Chris and Paul, and I offloaded some stuff and ignored others and got put in a vac-rack and talked about games and movies and was cooked an amazing dinner for and Paul came and gave me a hug - even Chris was shocked.  That meant so much to me coming from Paul.  It had me smiling all night.  And by pure coincidence tonight I saw my best friend for the first time in about 2 years, and he took me out and I remembered exactly why he's my best friend - he's the one person I can totally be free around, or rather, he's the one person that stimulates all aspects of my personality, normally I relate to people only in certain ways, and that's perfectly normal, but my best friend hits every single spot because he's exactly the same as me as well as my diametric opposite and it works so perfectly for us.

So right now, I'm not about to break, I've calmed down, and I've let go a little bit, and I'll be good for another few days.  But I am having to do the sensible thing, and turn round to people, good friends and point out I don't have time for their problems right now, because I can barely keep hold of my own.  I don't mean to be rude, and I will get back to a better state, but right now, I need you to be friends to me, because if I end up like I was about 6am Thursday morning again anytime soon, I know exactly what will happen, I wont run away, I won't commit suicide or anything like that, my mind will just break, I will go into complete emotional shock.  I could feel it on Thursday.  I could sense my emotions, I knew there were there, but I was totally detached from them, it was like when I astral project.  I could basically poke a rather large part of me that was my emotional reaction and know it was there, but I didn't feel it any way.  I'll end up like that for a few weeks if I'm not careful, so if I talk to you regularly and I'm now not, sorry, I'll be back, I just can't cope with any of you right now, you'll have to look elsewhere, and if I don't talk to you regularly and you find I'm not, I've decided I just don't have the patience to try with you any more, that's the way life works.

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