Aftermath 2

No I haven't miscounted, there's an Aftermath 1 I've spent 4 days trying to write and it just won't come out. 

Today was the first day I didn't have anyone to see, no one to check up on me, no errands to distract from my thoughts, and no friends to see to reassure them as much as anything that yes, I'm surviving (whilst telling you all just enough honesty that you'll believe me ).

I wanted that time, but I also didn't. I'm both very solitary and very social as a person.  I need long periods of both in my life.  Plus I'm very aware that I've spent the better part of 2 weeks now both avoiding the knowledge myself, as well as having to deal with everyone else, and the rest of life, that I've surpressed it everytime I've started to have any kind of emotional reaction to what's happening.   There's been people around, I've been in the middle of a tube journey, I've been at work...  So hopefully some time to myself would start me processing what has happened finally.  I'm not saying I'd be ok in one evening.  But the full impact of it all might finally start to affect me.

It didnt of course.  Anyone who's known me for long enough knows I'm so good at surpressing emotions and lying to the world that I fool myself, and cause myself all kinds of problems because of it.  So no, it hasn't hit me yet.

I did get some connection to recent events though.  Mostly thinking about all the things im angry about.  All the things that have hurt me recently, that have let me down, that I wanted to rail against but haven't, because there's no point, because I don't have the energy, because it wouldn't change anything, because other people have their own lives to worry about, because I just don't know where to start.

All the things I need right now are, for whatever reasons, unavailable.  They're just not practical or possible.  Even the ones I ask for.  And no matter how much I strive to remember it in life, its always a nasty shock each time to have to realise all over again that to varying extends, you are always and ultimately alone in this.

The boy that is normally so sure of everything, and everyone; who doesn't get bothered by things the way normal people do; who always finds a way to to cope, is really not ok.  So not okay that I just admitted it and told the truth about it.  This is the hardest thing I've ever had to face.  I am so incredibly scared and I can't even work out why.  And the things I should be able to rely on to get me through this, just don't appear to be there when needed.

I'm tired of being strong.  I was being strong about so much before this all even started.  I am really not okay.