No longer as truthful as should be deserved, some names, places and events deliberately vague to protect identities that aren't mine

Tuesday, 6 November 2012

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People keep telling me I'm brave.

I don't feel brave.  I feel like someone who got kicked in the teeth.  Being crazy and having 2 lifelong physical problems to deal with wasn't enough.  Something felt I needed more.  I'm not asking what I did to deserve this.  I'm just not feeling brave.  I'm feeling like someone who's scared and angry and is looking for as many kinds of outlets for that as possible.

I'm forcing myself to write things down and tell you what's going on because if I don't actively make myself do that I know I will close off, and run as far away from all of you as I can, and I won't even notice I'm doing it.


  1. You ask what you did to deserve it...well it could be the fact you bb with guys whilst your off your face on drugs or the fact you play with needles...personally I like to believe its Karma!
    Getting nasty comments and having to deal with the realisation that is your reality for the rest of your life isn't a nice feeling is it?

  2. wow you can't read can you? I said I'm NOT asking what I did to deserve it. I pointed out specifically in my previous post that I haven't been barebacking with strangers anytime recently, and anyone I've ever played with needles with has been a) very trusted and b)tested beforehand in front of me. So far yours is the only nasty (anonymous) comment I've had. Tell me, does Karma take notice of comments on the internet or are you safe on that one? I think I'll be just fine somehow :)

    1. I think Karma is definitely on my side where you are concerned dear...

      You are going through a fraction of what you happily took part in putting someone else through...remember that as you are needing support and friends around you in the next few weeks and months...
      And perhaps, once, just once on your life you will feel some kind of human emotion and maybe even some remorse!

  3. I think perhaps you ought to realise that regardless of personal feelings you make yourself worse by launching hatred and spite towards another.
    Regardless of past actions, and I know I’ve had enough done to me that would warrant my gleeful Vangelis Vendetta towards the perpetrators, however I choose not, because, they are human too, and hence equal.

    I kind of think you ought to realise AP we all live on the same pale blue dot. If you can’t deal it that, and that, better or worse we all have flaws, we are all worth love, and care. However, through that, we show our true honest and good nature. If you wish to bring vendetta into things such as that, perhaps you ought to rethink your position of moral high ground.

    Superman, you have my love. Ad infinitum.

  4. He knows what he did, and why I am saying my piece to this news. You clearly don't.

    If you did, you would know your point is completely invalid

    1. I think what "he knows", more than anything, is that his blog has now finally reached true awesomeness.

      Forget the tens of thousands of hits, he now has his very own, bile-filled, cowardly, anonymous troll :)

    2. over one hundred thousand hits now. just saying.... ^.^

  5. Oh you're not worth as much as even one single hair on his head. It's not Kama it's life. It happens and you deal with it. He's not flailing around looking for others to blame for the situation he's just getting on with things. He has more friends, love and support than a vile, vitriolic little waif like you could possibly comprehend.

  6. You are going to spend a lot of time, especially at first at the HIV clinic. You are going to feel like you fucking live there.
    You are going to get frustrated, you are going to get pissed, you are going to cry. People will see you hiding your feelings as bravery, while you feel nothing but. You will decide who in your private life needs to know, some people will surprise you and be a greater source of love than you gave them credit for, some will shy away from you. Things are way better now than they were back then. You don't have to go through weekly funerals and wonder when your time is up, you will die with HIV, not from HIV.
    You already have access to many men who have been living with this virus, some of them have had HIV longer than you have had life.
    New treatments, new knowledge are coming out ALL THE FUCKING TIME. But by all means, cry. Don't ever tell yourself that you 'deserve' this, or that you don't 'deserve' to be upset about this.

  7. Well nice to see you still alive and well there @Just_Jayce aka the Anonymous person who seems to be having ago at this persons blog and being a twat! Well nice to see you have not changed !
    Whether he got it from being off his face on drugs on what ever, let me remind you that you also get off your face on drugs many a time and maybe just maybe that's how you got it ?

    As for the messages you got from 'them' I am sure they did not say 'you deserve it' as you have stated in your own blog.
    To be fair the blogger who owns this blog has a huge network of friends that will stand by him, this could of been the same for you if you did not make a number of his friends out to be telling lies about you and you may just of had his friends to help you though this, like they are helping him though this if you did not fly off the handle and beat up your ex and show your true colours.

    So please remember this Jayce when you decide to post on blogs you are no saint.

    So this person with HIV is coping fine as such and has a great network of friends round him for support, one thing you could of had at one point.

    But that is all water under the bridge now and we have moved on so why don't you do the same ?

    Ok, I have had my pennies worth, back to work I go

    All in all hope your keeping well Jayce!

    **This post was posted by Anonymous who knows all the facts**

  8. Wow. I think it's time I comment, seeing as how all the replies seem to be aimed at me, instead if who wrote's Jayce by the way!

    Yes, I blogged about it, and nothing that was in my blog is untrue. The tweets that were mentioned are still available for you all to see!

    In regards to anyone knowing all the facts, only Paul and I will ever know them. And do please remember his statement said he didn't remember what he said to me that night.

    I haven't shyed away from any blame, and I have been more than open about how at blame I was.

    My issue, and my only issue with Eddie, was the messages and the tweets I got, when I was trying to deal with all of that at the same time....regardless of blame, I was under a lot of pressure and the messages added to it and made things harder.

    I am by no means pleased about what has happened to him.

    It's just good to see, again, that before his friends have the facts, they start slating me again...

    I wish Eddie all the best, and as I mentioned, hope he has the support he needs to help cope with this.