No longer as truthful as should be deserved, some names, places and events deliberately vague to protect identities that aren't mine

Tuesday, 11 June 2013

By tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat.

Points for reference.

My mind is currently in a very specific haze where it loses all ability to process any higher level thoughts.  Not because those thoughts are too trying or oppressive or anything, it just loses the ability to do it.  Like trying to do complex tasks when you're drunk for example (though actually, i'm pretty competent at that particular skill).

This haze only comes about in certain circumstances - basically when my brain effectively completely shuts down without warning and reboots itself.  It takes a good few days to get itself back to fully functional each time.  When I'm less crazy, this is usually characterized by my body without warning or indication crashing out for 18 - 36 hours at a time, usually causing me to miss work without notifying them which as you can imagine is all kinds of fun to explain afterwards.

Unfortunately, I'm beyond batshit crazy these days.  Crashing out still forms a part of the circumstances, but this particular instance was also characterized by a 3 hour memory blank in my head.  It's a memory blank that feels very much different to the block of absence of awareness you get from sleep.  I can't remember anything from 3pm - 6pm today.  I appear to have tweeted during that time, so I was obviously awake.  To be honest I can't remember anything until 11.30pm.  But there's a good block of a few hours that definitely does feel like the absence of awareness that happens during sleep I mentioned above.  And my activities I can track using computer logs dry up around 5.30pm, so I'm guessing not long after I crashed out.  I remember being at my friends house at 2.30pm, hence why I've managed to pin down the memory blank down to 3pm - 6pm.

I've managed to work out a few things about my mindset during these hours.  I was clearly going very very crazy inside my head.  The sort of crazy that makes me curl up as tight as possible it hurts so much.  The sort of crazy that leaves me crying, as I have done at several points in the last 4 days.  My ability to deal with reality completely broke down, and when this happens I know what the safest place my mind considers is.  A small, warm, dark place.  The smaller, and more minimalist the space, the better.  So I will curl myself up into a tight ball, pressed up against a wall so hard it hurts my back.  Or under a desk space.  Or bathrooms.  Bathrooms are generally the smallest and least furnished rooms in a house.  Often with no natural light sources especially if you live in a city.  And they have a lock on them.  I can shut the world out and not let anything in I don't want to deal with.   I find the dark comforting too.  Most people don't, but what I don't see, I don't have to accept as part of my reality.  The darkness helps to delineate a firm boundary wherein I define my reality.  The darker the better.  Pitch black so you can't see your hand in front of your face.  And I have exceptionally good night vision so this requires blocking out practically all light that could possibly enter the space.  The place I create for myself is small and defensible.  It has virtually nothing beyond myself in it, and so nothing else that I need to deal with on any level.  Within this space there are no distractions from just me, myself and I, so I can fully devote myself to fighting the monsters that rage inside my head.  Chris could attest to this, he's seen me scramble across the room in fear driving myself into the smallest possible space in a bid to feel safe when my crazy has been in full overdrive.  It terrified the crap out of him.

At least that's how it's supposed to work in theory.  Except the problem is, when I'm that crazy, my ability to comprehend and process reality has become so dysfunctional, that I have to reduce my concept of reality to this artificial, practically non-existent state, so equally, my ability to deal with the thoughts in my head, even then, is still so poor that eventually my head just BSOD's, and I crash out wherever I happen to be,

Which is how I came to find myself, at 11.30pm tonight, on the floor in the corner of my bedroom up against the door, the lights switched off, and the door firmly locked (luckily for occasions like this, my bedroom has a lock on it, so I didn't end up commandeering the bathroom for the entire evening mysteriously), my head in a haze that immediately told me it wasn't working properly, and a distinct feeling that some of the missing time that had passed was not just because I was unconscious.  Given this was a Monday night, I was supposed to be running Exalted, which means that the front door (which my bedroom is right next to) was opened and shut at least 5 or so times, my phone rang, people probably knocked on my door; when I crash, I really crash, and not even the fires of hell will wake me (seriously I've slept through neighbours' houses in the same block being on fire, engines outside with sirens blaring, firemen all over my house checking for damage etc).  I did not notice a thing.

Worst of all in all this, the random memory blanks I'd been having for about 2 months up until 4 weeks ago had pretty much stopped.  It was one of the few improvements in my crazy recently.  Then again, maybe not so improved.

This also took me 1h36 minutes to write.  Writing is HARD when your thought processes simply don't aren't operating.

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