No longer as truthful as should be deserved, some names, places and events deliberately vague to protect identities that aren't mine

Sunday, 19 January 2014

I guess I'll stay awake then.

I'm lonely.

Everything tonight has felt a little off somehow, and I'm not sure why.  It's not that things were wrong.  Like everything was right, but was somehow soured a little. 

I guess I've been in suspense all day and I still don't know where I stand. 

I think maybe my subconscious is trying to preemptively shut back down my emotional response in preparation, but it doesn't know how long it has.  And even if it did, it seemingly can't decide if it might as well start now or not.  I don't know why and no conscious thought process seems to stop or change that.

Of course I'm not sleeping.  I get so worried and frustrated with sleep these days.  I don't even have the option of knocking myself out.  I've tried for years to get pills or something but no doctor will give me anything.  None of the sleep hygiene stuff works.  Anything that does affect me leaves me out of it for days.  I dread bedtime now and that makes the problem worse.  What I wouldn't give just for the though of a little silence to look forward to.  For all my problems the thing I feel most broken on, most like I failed at being a human being, most like everyone else got something and I missed school that day, is sleep.

Even here, I'm not sleeping easy, and I'm not sleeping well, I've been having bad dreams all week.  Normally I'd wake from these and remember a boy hugging me  smile and drift back to sleep with new dreams.  Now that's not happening.  The lies in my head won't go away even though I know they shouldn't be there and they keep cropping up.  Like at night, so I can't think of that boy and smile, all I remember is the fake bad stuff that I put in my own head to start with so when i fall back asleep, I'm fearful and paranoid and insecure and my dreams run back to that.

It's better to be here with this, but I still don't sleep, hear voices, have bad dreams, zone out.  Just what passes for normal now.

6 months...   How am I gonna cope with that.  Same way I do every night I guess pinky.  Smile and lie and pray you can keep going another day on nothing.  I hope it goes away after that.  I hope I can eventually send half of this to some distant corner of my head marked the past and go back to what I was, which wasn't great by any means, but it was so much better than this.  I'm not that hopeful though.  Which is scary.  I don't wanna get stuck like this.

*sigh* ...I'm never gonna get to finish that conversation am I?

The formatting via the blogger app is terrible.

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