The other day I found out I do not have melanoma. It was my second cancer scare within 6 months.
I'm a pretty sickly kid, I have one health problem after the other, I'm on an array of drugs, I get a new health issue on a regular basis.
Currently I find myself wondering, having dodged this one, how many months do I have before the next big major health problem rears its head. All my issues are pretty big, not quite life threatening, but severely life affecting and would only take one bad turn to become threatening. I'm constantly on borrowed time and just waiting for the one that finally brings the house of cards crashing down.
Most recently, I've been not wanting to take my ARVs. I've only intentionally skipped my dosage once before; it was shortly after I started them, and I needed to do it so I would experience the regret and panic that ensures I take them every day. But recently I don't want to. At least that way I know what'd get me, and with my other health issues chances are it wouldn't be long at all before my HlV made me very ill.
The fact that I am considering saying "fuck it" to my HIV meds is a very, very clear sign of how not okay I am these days - I'm religious in my taking of them, I've missed maybe 5 doses tops in 2 years of taking them, like everything else, I am sick and tired. Sick and tired of waiting to see what I come down with next, how long it'll be till that happens, how it'll interact with all my other issues, how many meds that will take to control; it's all just another exercise in trying to survive day in day out and that is very definitely I am something I am tired of, so why not call it quits on this?