No longer as truthful as should be deserved, some names, places and events deliberately vague to protect identities that aren't mine

Saturday, 11 April 2015

Something just broke

...Because buses don't go fast enough during rush hour.

That was the answer I gave when asked why I'd come to A&E.

San Francisco is to far away.
I don't have any of the right kind of drugs around.
I don't have my car with me right now.  I don't own a parking garage.
A knife to the wrist, whilst very accurate on my part, didn't work last time.
Various other methods (such as turning the gas on) would unfairly endanger others.
The problem is, having failed last time, my mind isn't happy to settle on something unless I can guarantee 100% success rate. Learn from your mistakes.

Objectively, I'm in the best place I've been in a while.  I've paid off all my significant debts, I can pay my bills, keep a roof over my head, I went on holiday and still had a home to come back to this time, I have a job, I can buy what food I like, I have friends that care about me and people I care about.
All of that sounds great in theory right?  But it's not a reason.
I lost my will to fight.  That thing that makes you get out of bed in the morning, that thing that makes you strive for more, that thing that makes life anything other than just endlessly going through the motions, because it's what you're supposed to do, because if you do that, people won't see anything wrong, because you can't think of anything else to do.
I think I lost it a long time ago.  But for a long while, there was someone else.  Someone to work to be with, a life to aim for.  That's gone, I get it.  But when that went, it made me realise I was missing a reason for myself, and had been for a long while.  Now it's 6 months later, and I still don't have the slightest inkling of why I pay my bills, why I go to work, why any of it is in the least bit worthwhile.

I get angry at myself for even continuing to try.  Carrying on in some foolish hope that one day, I'll start finding some reason to keep going again.  Because I'm a millenial and I have to feel special and I have to feel like there is something that applies to me specifically.  Mediocre isn't good enough.  Half a success isn't good enough.  I can and should do better.  Other people don't need any of this, so I should be better than that.  I hate myself for pretending and trying, when at the end of the day, even if I achieved something, even if I got somewhere, it all ends up fairly inconsequential and pointless anyway.  For all my spiritualism, I don't believe in any kind of afterlife, at least not a practical one - one where you retain any sense of memory.  So whether it's now, or it's 50 years away, it all comes down to the same thing.  At least this way you get to choose.

Buses don't go fast enough during rush hour.

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