Today I miss you.
Today I miss our talks, and our fights, our secret unseen messages to each other, the ways we'd show we cared when others couldn't see, how we absolutely hated each other and knew it every moment of every day.
I miss your safety. The breath I'd release being held in your arms again that first night. A smile I've yet to get back since. The knowledge that as long as we lay there it didn't matter how bad it all was, what my head said or yours, we'd lie there, awake, sleeping, crying, breathing.
The second night, pulling you in close to me. Watching guard over your shoulder that nothing would threaten you. The purpose and surety that I could. Whatever it was, I could. I could summon any strength in those moments, when you had none.
I miss dreading that fight. Knowing it would happen every single time. Knowing it was to come. Knowing it was stupid, and pointless, and that it was everything we both knew was true.
I miss being so scared I could never say goodbye. Or you couldn't. One of us was always statuesque. Rigid, unmoving. Unable to return that finale embrace. I miss the hurt, and release of a 12h long journey home spent crying the entire way. So badly the automated cameras couldn't validate my ID.
Today I miss you. Tomorrow you'll be the guy I'm moving on from. But tonight I want you here.
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