No longer as truthful as should be deserved, some names, places and events deliberately vague to protect identities that aren't mine

Saturday, 31 October 2015


It's Halloween.

My favourite day in the entire year.  It almost wasn't.   It's also the day I found out I have HIV a few years ago.  But my love for what the day means to me overcame that.

I didn't have a costume this year.  I wanted to be Astroboy.   But I lost my bank card and my pay came through late this month.  So I didn't have time to find what I needed.  That sucks.  But it didn't mean I didn't celebrate.

I get stupidly excited for Halloween.  I go full in for it given the chance.   People accuse me of being American in my attitude to it - as with so many things - because of how my enthusiasm comes across.  That unfairly misunderstands why exactly I love this day.

The walk down to the tube station this evening proved to me exactly why - it's a night when everyone truly shows themselves.  What they like, what makes them laugh, what they enjoy,  how they see themselves, who what they want to be.  What we find scary.  What we find impressive.  What we consider iconic.   Some are zombies,  some are doctors, some are princes and fairies, clowns and music stars, cartoon characters, comic book villains, it's an excuse to wear something outrageous and obnoxious and people will compliment you on it.

Going down to the tube there was a girl on crutches coming up the stairs.  She was in costume.  The costume kept getting in the way of the her crutches and she was struggling to get up the stairs.  She was laughing about it.  She doesn't care.  She's determined to go out.  To have fun.  And she wants to look like this.   So she does. 

Wow, if only we had the strength to do that in life the other 364 days.  For some reason we only consider it okay on this one night. New Years' enjoys a partial level of this societal acceptance of weirdness, but only partial.

You see the most interesting and unexpected things about people.  Who the geeks and nerds are. Those who choose truly specific characters.  Who takes pride in their outfit.  The ones that wear a hoodie most days but make sure their costume's fastenings are historically accurate.

For the LGBT+ community it can take on a special difference - the chance to reveal a little of a side of you that might not be open to anyone yet.  To be a bit more flamboyant and ostentatious.   To wear the clothing you actually feel comfortable in.  I was told recently that decades agos Halloween was the one night where police in San Francisco wouldn't harrass drag queens - where they were welcome in bars for one night only cause it was fun.

I admit, I see Halloween different to most people.  And I don't think people are analysing their costume choices this closely.  It's just some harmless fun.  A chance to dress up.  An excuse for drinking if you're an adult and indulging candy whatever age you are.  But it reveals all these things if you make a habit of observing people's mannerisms.  It's fantastic.   I love it.   I wish we all did it more.  Embrace our fears and our idols.  What could be wrong with that?

Happy Halloween.

Wednesday, 21 October 2015

Marching Orders

**There are some minor edits and formatting changes still to be done to this post, but I've decided to post it up while it's still fresh in my mind**

I've said it plenty - I don't really consider myself to have 'fantasies' by and large - long term wishlist items to tick off a sexual bucket list.   I try in most things in life to go in with our expectations - you're not disappointed if the format is different from what you played out in your head, and can even be pleasantly surprised.

That said, while I consider what happened recently/is about to happen following that to be a scenario in an ongoing roleplay, I've no doubt a lot of you will most definitely have had a fantasy along these lines.

Well it's happening to me and I get to live it so I'm going to brag and take the opportunity to make you all jealous because WHY THE HELL WOULDN'T YOU?!?! (Obviously that will only be apparent once you've read the full post and learned about what's going on)

#superaggressivefb beats me up fairly regularly.  I love it and enjoy being in pain as part of sex in general.  This is all well documented by now.  I'm single and not exactly an obedient sub and believe the bottom is always in charge anyway,  so I'm ultimately free to do whatever the hell I like, and whilst I certainly wouldn't say #superaggressivefb owns me, he does dominate and control me a hell of a lot of the time
#superaggressivefb has someone who beats him up, who as before, we shall name #Boss to indicate the hierarchy.

I've met #Boss with #superaggressivefb a few times and we've all played together - by which I mean they let me get a few pretend hits in and then I usually end up on the receiving end of both of them.  #Boss and #superaggressivefb have a dynamic.  #superaggressivefb and I have one.  #Boss and I haven't had enough time together to find ours yet but we learn more each time.

We all met up.  With the intention of fighting (and fucking) all day.  

#superaggressivefb and #Boss were planning a big fight towards the end of the day - 6 rounds of pretty damn hard going.  These boys do not play lightly.
They put a wager on the fight - Me.
If #Boss won, I'd be his until Christmas.  
We'd also get to beat up #superaggressivefb together - meaning I'd get to lay into him as hard as I liked to.  I have 3 speeds with almost everything in life - 0/not bothered enough to notice, comfortably coasting and hyperactive.  In physical aggression this translates to unable to (e.g. too deep in subspace), good effort but not gonna make the cut I'm afraid,  and the point at which adrenaline kicks in and everything goes off the charts. 
We've never properly let me let down my control enough to reach that third point yet - we want to - but it's unpredictable to both of us and we have no idea where it will go or end up.  But we want to.  And here would be the chance to do so.

There were other bits of fights and play during the day, but eventually we were all in the right mood.  I kitted them both up.  They squared off against each other.  I was paraded up between the both of them as the prize at stake.  And then began round one.

It was hard.  #Boss always goes pretty hard when I see him.  He loves it and gets into it but means he sometimes ramps up way beyond where other people can meet him on a similar level.  #superaggressivefb was going for it though. He wasn't trying not to lose, or avoid getting hurt too badly, he was determined to win this time.   These were not light blows and it was not for show.
It was in a living room so limited space sure,  but enough to dance around each other and swing a full punch.  It was intense.  And incredibly fucking horny.

6 rounds, 2 minutes each.  That's a lot of time to repeatedly punch and defend if you've never tried it.  A lot of hits to take either way.  #superaggressivefb caught a vicious blow in the third and struggled to recover.  Repeated hits brought him down in the fourth and fifth rounds and he didn't manage to get up again in the fifth.  He was trying.  He really wanted to win this one.  Seeing that was a huge turn on in itself - what it said about the dynamic between us even beyond this roleplay.

But he lost.  So now he has to ask #Boss for permission to use me.

We ran out of time and I wasn't in the proper headspace to let myself go on #superaggressivefb.   But the prize handover so to speak has been arranged.  There's two nights coming up when #Boss has the place to himself.  The original plan (and my cock can't help but be disappointed a little this isn't happening cause it's so obviously hot) would be that #superaggressivefb would bring me to the flat (he has keys) the first evening before #Boss gets home.  Strip me, tie me down to the bed, make sure I was lubed up and then leave me there exposed until #Boss came home.  Then it's up to #Boss how he uses me over the following few nights.  
Unfortunately #superaggressivefb is now away with work those dates, so I'll be given keys to let myself in.  I can't tie myself up.  But I'm still expected to be face down on the bed, naked, and lubed ready.

It's horny as fuck.   I'm so excited and can't wait but I'm also admittedly, and probably sensibly, a little bit scared - #Boss goes HARD.  Harder than #superaggressivefb does.  And I don't go down without fighting.  I react.  I lash out.  Very few people would do that to #Boss.  And none of the three of us have worked out if I will yet.  That could be very dangerous - #Boss naturally loves those who fight back, but then he comes back even harder than before.  I've in fact been ordered by #superaggressivefb not to react.  I can surpress it if I have to.  It's a visible concerted effort, but I can use the anger to hold my fists firm in place rather than move them if have to.  It's also going to be the first time #Boss and I will be playing by ourselves - we'll be working out the dynamic and boundaries as we go.  It's going to be intense and definitely painful.   But oh god is it going to be fun.

So, to sum up.
My dom took me to get abused by one of his friends
He then traded me to his friend to see fit as he used for a period of time.  I was ordered to do anything I was told, and importantly, to not fight back.
I'm going to stay at the friends for a few nights soon.  I've been given keys and he's expecting to find me face down, ass up and lubed upon his return home.
He may or may not bring others home with him.
I'll probably get woken up at 4am or whatever time the mood takes him just like when I stay at #superaggressivefb's
I'm allowed to get my revenge on my dom for all of this.
I'm almost certain several of you have had this fantasy.  Maybe with less punching.  Maybe not - maybe your version involves you being forcibly kidnapped first.

There is a lot more to this story.  And there are other scenarios to follow from it yet planned.  But those details remain my secret horny knowledge until I choose otherwise.

Monday, 19 October 2015

Colliding worlds

Hooray it finally happened

At the weekend differing parts of my life finally came together as #superaggressivefb and husband finally met my other friends.

I'd been trying to get this to happen on various levels for a while now - #superaggressivefb and husband obviously a big aspect of my life these days and will continue to be for a good while with any luck.  Schedules clash and plans change and life is hard so my attempts had fallen through.  #superaggressivefb and husband agreed to come along to one of the kink shopping things me and my friends do every so often to say hi.  #superaggressivefb had been away for 2 weeks with work too and I think was missing hanging out.  They seemed to get it meant a lot to me they met the rest of my friends (or at least the ones I'm with 90% of the time I'm not with them).  Equally my friends Chris and Paul, who provide most of the emotional support not otherwise covered by #superaggressivefb and #blondie made a particular effort  - Paul came during the day, specifically asking to be introduced to #superaggressivefb and although Chris was busy during the day he joined me and #superaggressivefb at ice hockey later that evening.  Moments like that get noticed.

#superaggressivefb noticed plenty too.  Him and the husband joined us in the middle of lunch and perched at the end of the table - comments from #superaggressivefb within minutes accurately dissected the dynamics down the table of people he hadn't yet even been told the name of.  He saw how my friends so often look to me to shepherd them.  How my impatience and frustration at a lack of progress overtakes my reluctance to take the lead before anyone else and therefore leaves it to me to take the initiative and guide the group.  He played on the collective reaction of them all to his (admittedly drool inducing) muscled husband trying on leathers in the shop.

It made me laugh.  Not because he picked up on all these things so quickly and silently.  Because it's such a clear illustration that #superaggressivefb and I so often see the world in the same way.  We analyse it and process it with the same piercing gazes that take in so much that seems to go unnoticed by others.

Together we're almost lethal.  He offers to help one of my friends.  Serious, significant help.  Help he easily provide. The friend is taken aback by the sincerity.  And is so British he can only politely refuse.  I bare my teeth.   The short cutting comment calling out my friend and telling him to take it.  Other friends chirp in quickly to support me, clearly having had the same thought in their heads but not prepared to embarrass their friend.  Willing to let the moment pass by.  The friend accepts help.  Quite a difficult thing for him to do actually.  I'm proud of him.

#superaggressivefb congratulates me on saying the right thing at the right time and helping my friend.
"None of them realise you were just being crafty" I whisper to him.
We smile to each other and move on.

Post Script
Chris joins #superaggressivefb and I for ice hockey.  It's fun and fast and #superaggressivefb has missed it.  We win 10-4.  As we leave Chris says "So next Saturday?"
Moments that get noticed.

Sunday, 18 October 2015


A friend's comment on the British version of the Horse Fuck Fair, which is run by a safe sex promoter, but by all accounts (admittedly not my own first hand experience,  so I can't confirm) has vast amounts of barebacking happening at it:

"like, if you're the kind of person who wants to go to a horse-themed sex party, chances are you're more interested in bb than not-bb

or am I wrong?"

I don't think it could be summed up better really.

Tuesday, 13 October 2015

Old Habits

Breaking up with the guy I'm not dating, who isn't the guy that's not my boyfriend, and not the guy I'm sleeping with.


Monday, 12 October 2015

Noted Absences.

"...well you two clearly have things you want to say to each other."

Stop being so accurate.

Thursday, 8 October 2015

I Bleed Blue

Tonight it all begins again.
Tonight we start to dream again, to hope, to cry, to hold our breaths as every second counts down.
Every whistle, every face off, every horn.  Every broken stick and check against the boards.
It starts all over again.

The team is ready.  They want it.  Every player has spent the entire week posting how ready to fight they are.  The fans believe again.  We've all mended our broken hearts over the summer and are ready to bleed once more. 

It's games till 6am.  It's heart stopping overtime.  Those can't-look shootouts.  It's the tag on my keys.  It's getting my jersey out once more.  It's the cap I wear and never give up.  Stats and write-ups and scouting reports.  Call-ups and injuries and trade deadlines.

It's all back.  And we're ready.

This is NEW YORK RANGERS hockey.
#superaggressivefb doesn't realise what he could be in for...


Memory Lane

Remember that time pretty much every aspect of my life fell apart at once?

Yeah... not fun.

Saturday, 3 October 2015


"May we recognise with shame the latent cruelty that lurks beneath our human skin and the ease with which we mark as alien other groups and ethnicities of humanity.  May we repent of treating as less than human people we should see as brothers and sisters under God."

I rediscovered these words the other day, given by The Very Reverend Dr John Hall, Dean of Westminster, which were addressed to the congregation at the service commemorating the 70th anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz, which I was lucky enough to attend.

Couldn't help but think of the ongoing Syrian refugee crisis, not to say any less of the many other problems currently in the world...

All in all it's just another day now...

Today's Anthem

Friday, 2 October 2015

A small form of courage

I always find one of the hardest, bravest, and most freeing things to do is kiss another guy on the street.

I'm old enough to have grown up thinking being attracted to guys meant a life very unlike what you expected - no marriage, no kids, hiding to a certain degree.  So much of that has changed for the better these days.

Standing on a street corner, kissing my date goodnight.   It shouldn't be anything.  But it is.  It still is.  There are jeers from passersby.  People gawp and tut as they walk past us. 

It's a terrifying thing.  Still.  This isn't even my boyfriend, just a guy I had a nice evening with.  Even with my eyes closed a part of me is constantly alert for the potential aggression.  The tone in the jeer that means we should pull apart for a moment.  The sound of footsteps suddenly running towards us.  Maybe a real threat, maybe just to scare us.  Either way it's there.

I've always been confident on this front.  Defiant.  I'm scared.  Every single time.  Straight people never have to think of this.   I do.  Every time.  But I refuse to be beaten.  I will stand on that corner.   I will kiss him.  Even amongst the cries and unhidden comments.  Meeting the eyes of those who stare.  I am entitled to kiss the person I like.  I have earned the right to be open to love.  Generations stand with me on that street corner.  Scared too.  Defiant too.

It's a simple but powerful thing.  To kiss someone.  The person you like.  We take it for granted.  It's still a rare opportunity in too much of the world.  Gay or straight or anything. 

To kiss someone shouldn't be a protest.  But if it is, I'm all the more determined.