No longer as truthful as should be deserved, some names, places and events deliberately vague to protect identities that aren't mine

Sunday, 29 November 2015


Bears watch over me I'm told.  Bears are on patrol in the South, protecting their charges.  Bears that like the winter.   Greater European Moosebears.

A jackal ranges far and wide for the charges I once gave it. 

But even bears don't watch as closely as we watch each other.  It's intimidating, so I'm told.  A near-palpable force that can be hard for others to break into.  A sixth sense constantly aware of each other, constantly keeping tabs and checking in.  Guarding.  Protecting.  An feat we can't manage for ourselves. 

He makes dinner and puts the rest in the fridge for the week.  He knows I'm not eating.  I put petrol in the car and keep my keys closeby in case.

Bears have been spotted nearby.  Out in the dark.  Marking their patrols.

Wednesday, 25 November 2015


Once upon a time, a boy made me breakfast.   He made bacon.  Real crispy style bacon.   Scrambled eggs that ran and melted as you ate them.  And he made muffins.  English breakfast muffins.  He cooked them in the fat from the bacon till they were crispy.   I fell in love with that boy and he fell in love with me and for years whenever I missed him I would go out and buy eggs, bacon, and muffins and cook them.  The memory of that morning, of falling in love with him, helping to keep me going when he couldn't be there to hold me.

Years later, I met someone, and for breakfast one day he made eggs, bacon, and muffins with no knowledge of its meaning to me.  Placing the muffins on my plate he suddenly whisked them off again crying "no! wait!" and took them to the pan full of bacon grease, dropping them in, coating them on both sides and letting them sizzle, before placing them on my plate once more.  I tried not to cry.  I hid it with a huge grin.  Muffins have become an in joke with him and I still haven't explained to him completely why.

The boy I fell in love with... he's not mine anymore.  But when I'm sad, and alone, and I don't have someone to put their arms around me and hold me, I go to the store and I buy eggs, bacon, and muffins.  And I remind myself of a different morning when a boy cooked me breakfast.  Of becoming a friend instead of falling in love.  I try to remember that someone cares for me, even if it's no longer the boy I love.

Monday, 23 November 2015

That small still voice.

So its gonna be forever
Or its gonna go down in flame
You can tell me when it's over
If the high was worth the pain.

Today I've struggled to remember why I try so hard to be a certain kind of person. I'm trying to remember the small, quiet voice I heard Friday night that almost made my heart break.  But today it all seems a rather pointless gesture.

Friday, 13 November 2015

Why oh why didn't I take the blue pill?

Words from a good friend if mine:

"I know people who's islets of langerhans don't work. They need to take pills and injections every day just to perform as basic and human a task as eating.
I know people who's CD4 cells don't work. They have to take pills every day go perform as basic and human a task as getting over a cold.
I am a person who's brain doesn't work. I have to take pills every day to perform as basic and human a task as feeling love and feeling loved.

Sometimes I hate that I need that pill just to be human, but it's good to keep it in perspective."

Thursday, 12 November 2015


I remember running like that.  Wow.  I miss that.

I'm the one you chose
Out of all the people
You wanted me the most
I'm so sorry that I've fallen
Help me up lets keep on running
Don't let me fall out of love