No longer as truthful as should be deserved, some names, places and events deliberately vague to protect identities that aren't mine

Wednesday, 13 January 2016

Neutral ground

"..and if we should meet through some misunderstanding,
I'll be very sweet, very patient and forgiving;
Now get off my side of the state.

And if we should see one another in passing
Despite these techniques there is sometimes no avoiding
There must be some kind of mistake.

We'll raise high our white flags and bow heads and shake hands
Declaring the land, we're on un-American:
We'll call it even, we'll call it even.

I am the tower around which you orbited,
I am not proud, I am just taking orders,
I fall to the ground within hours of impact,
I hit back when hit and attack when attacked.

And I am an accident waiting to happen,
I'm laughing like mad as you strangle the captain,
My place may be taken but make no mistake,
From a little black box, I can say without shame

That you've lost, that you've lost
Do you know what you've lost?

So take whatever you'd like, I'll strike like the states on fire.
You won't sleep very tight, no hiding, no safe covers,
Make your bed and now lie just like you always do,
You can fake it for the papers but I'm on to you, I'm on to you..."

Monday, 4 January 2016


This is gonna hurt...

People seem constantly amazed by my willpower, my ability to either commit, or to resist.  It's nothing like that.
My power to commit is based off knowing all the alternatives are unacceptable to me.  It's not willpower, it's my only viable course of action.
My power to resist is based off not putting myself in the circumstances in the first place.   I have zero willpower, so I simply avoid the situation so it's never tested.

I saw it coming.  I should have said no when those plans first changed.  I should have cut my loses then.   But I am a secret optimist.  I always live in hope the same course of action will have different effects.  That this time it will go the way I intend, not the way it inevitably does.

It was my last hockey game today.  I can't afford it anymore.   4 months ago I gave up the gym so I could afford hockey.  I loved the gym, but hockey was good for me, so mental health won over physical health and I put my money towards hockey.
Now I have to pay for therapy.  It's not much, but it means I have to give up something.   My only major recurrent expense from my disposable income each month is hockey.  It's a huge blow, I hate giving it up.   But I have to.  And hope the pay off for my mental health is worth it.

I wanted it to be a nice final night.  And it wasn't terrible.   There were friends.  We won.  But the friends were late.  I was going to go home with one after and talk to them about a load of important things we both have going on.   We didn't.   He told me he'd go home with me.  He told me he'd make sure I got home.  He didn't.

It's going to be a horrible few months with other changes I'm facing, but this is going to be the hardest.   I'm loyal to my friends to the point of a character flaw.  It takes a lot to push me away for longer than 5 minutes or make me give up.  But I can recognise when I have to avoid the situation in the first place, because I don't have willpower when my friends ask things.  So I have to stop myself being asked.

This is gonna hurt...