Today I take a big gamble. One I'm guessing I'm going to regret eventually. I'm betting against experience and with zero reassurances things will change. The stakes are catastrophically high. If this goes against me it's of the nature of things that get added to the 'horrible past hidden traumas that colour every aspect of their life in some way'. But the consequences of not placing the bet in the first place were a guaranteed sustained loss. At least this way, I might have even some vague hope there's a future in which I come out on top. This will probably seem ludicrous and inadvisable to anyone else, but honestly when I think about it, this is the only way any of my health issues, physical or mental, have ever seen any progression. Sometimes I forget how ill I am on many levels, and moments like this remind me that serious health issues demand serious life or death gambles in ways unfair and terrifying
I'm not convinced. That risks becoming a self fulfilling prophecy in itself. I'm banking this on no confidence at all, just a tiny, unsupported random wisp of hope that lives somewhere in my mind.
Guess its time to jump and see where you land.