A sign of things to come...

I packed up my suitcase and left the old farm
I promised my papa I'd come to no harm
And I went to the city where I was employed
In a firm of accountants as an office boy.

I fetched and I carried, I watched and I learned
And slowly but surely I rose through the firm.
But then I discovered my colleagues one day
Massaging the figures for personal gain
I said 'I'll not wallow in this house of shame'
I'll plough my own furrow, I'll go my own way.

Gravely I listened to Reverend McBride
Down at the mission house each Friday night.
Heaven's salvation for those who know best,
Hell and damnation for all of the rest.

Try as I might I could not understand
Why The Almighty's all-merciful hand
Should cast away those whose only mistake
Was never to know the Christian faith
The stars that we follow can lead us astray

I'll plough my own furrow, I'll go my own way

I fled from the capital's bourgeois malaise
And trekked through the wilderness for fourteen days
'Til I found the guerillas camped high in the hills
I asked Comrade Diaz whom I should kill.

I crept into town with a knife in my teeth
And entered the home of the Chief of Police
I stood at his bedside and raised up my blade
But then I looked to the crib where his little one lay
You murder tomorrow by killing today

I'll plough my own furrow, I'll go my own way...

The Divine Comedy - The Plough

How'd I end up feeling so bad for such a little boy...

So I had another brilliant weekend.  Chris came to visit again.  We all went out on Thursday with americaboy and a load of my friends and partied the night away and we had a great time.  And Friday I dragged him to see the show at work as it was my last night, Saturday we went to my friend's birthday drinks and had the slightly too awkward but overly civil meeting with the ex, and Sunday we spent the day watching films at another friend's house.  I got to go to sleep next to him every night and I woke up to him hugging me every day.  He does this brilliant thing where when I hug him in my half asleep state he grabs my arm and pulls it in to make me hug him properly.  And he's half asleep whilst doing it.  It's completely adorable and I love it and totally worth the mild discomfort of trying to sleep spooned up with someone.

And today we've both been slightly screwed up.  This is because Sunday night we had the talk.  The 'what are we/where are we going' talk.  The one I was dreading but we both wanted and needed to have.  As is glaringly apparent to anyone who has spent 20 nanoseconds in our presence over the last 2 weeks, and most of the twittersphere who haven't, we really like each other, and there is clearly something going on there.  And I wrote last week that even then I wanted to ask the guy out all proper like, complete with a date that doesn't involve just going to heaven and everything.  But equally, I had my concerns, and I was also kind of enjoying the absence of any kind of label, and just going with it, you all know I'm very much a living for the moment kind of guy.

This boy is really innocent, and inexperienced, in a life kinda way.  I don't mean that as naiive, that has negative connotations I don't wish to bring into this; it's simply a case where he hasn't experienced a lot of what lots of us have - he chose not to go to uni so he missed that whole different kind of life that you get chucked into in your first year - so he hasn't had the chance to work out how he feels about things or been confronted with things that most of us have become immune to.  And that's one of the things I really like about him, yes everyone has baggage and issues and idiosyncrasies and all that, but this boy didn't come with all the expectations most people even at my relatively young age do.  And there was so much I could do for him, even simple things, like taking him to St Paul's at 11pm at night because he's never seen it before puts this amazing smile on his face, and it's nice to be able to do things like that for someone, to be the one who can show them things, to be the one to take care of them, and look out for them.  One of the reasons I broke up with ex Chris (I only specify him as ex because there are too many Chris' involved in this blog and I don't want you all to get mixed up) was because I hardly ever felt like I did anything for him, like he was reliant or dependant on me in any way, and I get a real kick out of being able to take care of people.  It's prob why I like broken boys so much, I'm broken, I'm really dependant on whoever I'm with, and so for some twisted fucked up reason that a psychiatrist would probably have a field day, I need someone who's just as overtly reliant on me, not necessarily in the same way, but there's definitely some sort of reverse-dependency issue going on there.

But at the end of the day, I needed to know where my boundaries were, and especially given he hasn't 'lived' that much, he needed to know what we were so he could begin to process the things that had happened between us over the last 2 weeks appropriately, so that conversation happened.

Naturally, it did not end in the super happy fantastic way as otherwise I'm sure you'd all be yelling at the both of us to shut up about it we'd be tweeting so much.  That's not to say it ended badly, just very much not satisfactorily for either of us I think.  For reasons outlined in my previous post, as much as I want the guy, and cute and amazing as he is, as happy as he makes me - as has been noted by several people - I don't think we should get together.  I want him to make friends, and I want him to make them as him, not as my boyfriend; I don't want to risk him losing people to talk to if anything bad ever happened between us.  I'm not good with monogamy, that's not to say I won't try, that's not to say he's not worth it (though as previously blogged about, to say someone is 'worth' it or not is not the way i think of it at all), but I know what I'm good at and what I'm bad at.  I have my whole in love with other people issues.  I have my fucked up mental crazy issues. There's lots of things this guy doesn't know about me, and obviously anyone I met 2 weeks ago isn't likely to know all my deep and dark secrets, and whilst I'd never keep it a secret from him if he asked, I suspect his brain might melt if I dumped everything onto him as freely as I do you lot, I have to be somewhat selective in what I chose to say and not say around the guy.  It's not that I'm not open with him, or not myself, I just can't properly relax around him.

We could give each other a lot, this boy came out of nowhere and he arrived at the time when I needed someone most, when I was most ready to give up on everything that goes along with this whole 'gay' thing, and he was just there, without judgement, and totally into me, brave and yet with so much he wanted to learn, that I could show him, happy to just sit, and hug, for hours on end.  For all he doesn't understand, for all the things he's been shocked with since meeting me, he's never once cast judgement.  I think that's amazing.  He doesn't agree with everything, he doesn't like everything, he doesn't understand everything, but he's never once been judgemental about it.  I've never met someone like that before.  He makes me really happy.  But for all the things we could give each other, I think there's some really fundamental things which say to me we just shouldn't get together.  That I'd rather have him as this really good friend that I kind of long for, than to go out with him and screw it all up.  I'm probably over analyzing all of this, and my friends will probably slap me round the face and yell at me to stop being such an idiot and just turn up on the boy's doorstep, kiss him, and ask if he'll be my boyfriend, and if that's really what I need to do, tell me.  Today I don't know what to do, or how I feel.  And from what he's been tweeting, I don't think he does either.

Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope.

Random things you should go look at:

Okay some random stuff I felt like sharing.

Firstly you should all go check out this new food blog, only one post so far but it's season and looks nom.  http://boatkitchen.blogspot.com/2011/10/tagliatelle-with-roasted-pumpkin-and.html

Second if you haven't seen the Grainger Games news story that occured recently, check out this link:
http://www.gizmodo.co.uk/2011/10/how-an-unknown-games-retailer-committed-suicide-at-a-gaming-awards-event/
Followed by the links at the end of that posting, especially the difference between the apologies from the event organiser and grainger games themselves

Thirdly, this is one of the best pieces of design I've seen recently and I wish they'd make one that works in this country (though I have no idea if that's even feasible): http://www.nest.com/index.html
For those who can't be arsed to click through, it's a thermostat.  Simple enough device really, except this one is really clever.  You adjust it as normal, but it has some really complex heuristics algorithms that mean it can program itself based on your behaviours.  It can auto adjust the temperature up or down according to your daily rhythms, it can do it for the different days as your schedule changes, and it can tell the difference between a one off change in temperature, and one that's a change to its programming schedule.
Okay so far that doesn't sound amazing, but where it excels is it can learn your habits for an entire year, separating out the seasons, months, and weeks.  And yet it sets off just a single week of usage and self-adjusts onwards from there.  It's a small easy self-installable module.  It connects to wifi, allowing you to adjust settings from the web or smartphones whilst away.  It has holiday modes so your pipes don't freeze.  The wifi downloads the weather for your local area and matches that up against your temperature settings to see how cold or warm weather spikes affect your usage, and adjusts its programming accordingly.  It has sensors to detect occupancy of the house and switches the heating/ac off when everybody is at work.  It offers you extra tips to  achieve optimal energy and cost savings.  Basically this is one of those 'house of the future' style products.  It's small, unobtrusive, fantastically designed, packs a lot of kit, is fairly affordable for what it does, and has the potential to revolutionize people's lives in ways that are subtle but hugely effective; it is what good design should be.
As I say, I just wish they'd make one for the UK, I'd totally buy one!

That's How You Know...

Yes kids, it's the debrief you've all been waiting for.  First, I provide you with these lyrics, which my mind seems to have associated as the soundtrack to this weekend, it's not entirely hard to work out why:

one of the boys, he took me under his wing, spoke words of wisdom to a fool, young kid.
he said, "you can be a golden boy, you can rule this place. all you've got to do is sell your face."
so now i wear my rainbow flag on my sleeve.
i'm always ready for another shopping spree, stocking up on shirts and shoes that i can't afford; anything to make me one of the boys.
but i've got this feeling, something just isn't right.
can't shake this feeling inside.
i sleep all day and dance all night; hug with the left arm to scratch with the right.
i don't have a dollar to buy something to eat, but i think i've got some credit left up at the beat.
and that piano that i used to play is collecting dust, my stradivarius is starting to rust.
but screw vivaldi, because you do what you must to be one of the boys.
but i've got this feeling, everything is all messed up.
can't shake this feeling inside.
cos i am one of the boys and i am afraid.
will i dance into nothing, burning away?
how did this revelation, liberation get to the stage where i'm just another pretty bird in a cage?
my rainbow flag is looking goddamned old, because ben sherman re-released it long ago.
strutting in and butting in, because it's fun to be dramatic; wearing a smile that's oh-so-automatic, stylishly cynical and fashionably informed about anything of interest to one of the boys.
but he's got a cock ring and a sachet from the wet arcade.
he's got a boyfriend at home.
and i've got this feeling he knows i'm onto him; so liberated but not free.
cos i am one of the boys and i am afraid.
will i grow into another golden boy, caged, or a man?

Jacob Diefenbach - Golden Boy, Caged

I had this weekend off work.  I'm leaving my job and had 3 days holiday left so managed to wangle the weekend that everybody needs to work off.  This was great, meant I could attempt my friend's halloween housewarming party and generally actually be sociable.  Having worked most weekends/evenings for the past year or so, being sociable has been problematic.  It's frustrating, but at the end of the day it's part and parcel of working as a theatre tech, and if you really hate it you shouldn't be working in theatre.  I also booked tickets to see Naked Boys Singing at the Charing Cross Theatre on Friday night for me and some friends.  I'd wanted to see it for some time but as it's only on at 10pm Friday and Saturday nights which are the hardest to get off from work I hadn't had the chance yet.  So I dragged a group of us out, including my new best friend from America with the intention of going to heaven afterwards.  Sooner or later I will need to get a new job, and so I'm making the most of my free time whilst I can...

So my american friend and I headed into town Friday evening to meet another guy who was back in the UK that week from his year abroad in France.  We started drinking in Soho, and persuaded the boy to buy a ticket to the show on the door and come to heaven with us after.  I have plenty of spare bed space at weekends so he could come back to mine anyway, though we were flirting a fair bit so it was entirely likely the spare bed space would be the other half of my bed, but everyone was happy with this arrangement so off we went.  The show was great, funny and enjoyable and plenty of cute boys that you were SUPPOSED to perv over.  Starting from a group of me and americaboy we managed to persuade some of the others to stay out late and come to heaven.  My friend Sal had persuaded two guys to come meet us for a drink after the show, although that plan went awry as one of them had no ID on him.  However I managed to persuade the IDless boy to come to heaven with us (because lets face it, no-one gets ID'd to get into heaven), and pointed out there was a spare, SEPARATE bed he could stay in at my house.  So off we all went to party the night away.

The boy is very cute, super smiley and awesome though somewhat shy and nervous, he has the same cheesey taste in pop music I do so we were jumping up and down together to every 80s camp anthem blasting out of the speakers but eventually the night had to wind down, and after some crappy chinese food off me, the new boy and frenchboy went to get a nightbus back to my house.

And then of course 3 of us ended up in the same bed.  And yes 3 mildly drunk gay boys in a bed inevitably leads to things happening but I'm not going to give you a play-by-play account of all that.  And the next day frenchboy left to go visit his family before travelling back to France, and I had a rather panicked boy to deal with.  Because it was fairly obvious he's not the sort to end up in a bed with a guy he met 6 hours earlier, let alone 2 of them at once.  He wasn't quite rocking back and forth in the corner, but he wasn't far off crying and having somewhat of a breakdown.  Full blown crisis of self moment.

And whilst it's not fair to reveal all the things he told me whilst I held him and didn't say a word, because there wasn't anything to say, he just needed someone there to make him feel safe, to sum it up, he's still in the process of discovering his own gay identity, and working out what the entire gay world is, scene/non-scene, what he likes, what he doesnt, where he fits in it, to what extent his being gay affects his life as a whole etc.  To be fair, I think we're all working this out constantly, but most of you reading this are at least fairly sorted on what the whole being gay thing means to you.  He's not.  Don't get me wrong he's known he's gay for a good while and he's out and everything, but he doesn't have it all worked out yet.  And he doesn't have any gay friends to go out with or talk to or ask questions of when he gets confronted with experiences he has no idea how to process.

So I dragged him to my friend's halloween party, and forced him to meet lots of kinky, perverted, but ultimately lovely and affectionate gay boys.  Of course I noticed all the cheeky looks from my friends to me. Yes, believe it or not I can be perfectly nice and protective and honourable when I want to.  Though admittedly even I had to crack up laughing when he leapt into my arms for safety from all the scary people around him...

It was the right thing to do for him.  He went from full blown crisis mode saturday afternoon, to a bundle of nerves and insecurity at the start of the party, and by the end of the night he'd hugged and been hugged by everyone in the room.  He had multiple phone numbers and offers of coffee and films and food from people he'd met that weekend, and whilst we were watching films all day sunday together 3 of the people he'd met at the party actively sought him out on facebook to add him.  So thank you to all of my friends, for being the fantastic people I love you for in the first place, and making someone feel 100% welcome, instantly one of the group, and making it obvious to him it wasn't just a one time politeness thing.

So that's pretty much all the context of the weekend for those who didn't already know.  But onwards to how this all affected me.  It was a completely crazy weekend.  Which to be fair, always happens when me and americaboy go out on the town - it's one of the many reason's he's such a good friend despite only meeting him about a month ago.  I was cycling like crazy through mood swings all weekend - though hiding it mostly well.  I had some intense highs and intense lows, as evidenced by the range of facebook and twitter posts I made.  But ultimately, it was the most amazing weekend I've had in months, due to the boy I met.  I met him Friday night and he didn't leave my house till about 9pm Sunday which should give you a good idea of how well we got on.

In short, I REALLY like him, which was pretty much blindingly obvious to everyone at the party on Saturday night.  In fact 3 people asked me on separate occasions throughout the evening if the two of us were going out.  It's like the first time I met Joel is happening all over again :P  The boy makes me smile a lot, in fact since I broke up with Chris he's only the second boy to ever make me feel those kind of feelings again (and incidently he, and the first boy who did are both named Chris.  Hmmmm....)  I'm happy to just spend hours hugging him.  And I like him so much that just hugging him gets me half hard.   Also something that has only happened with one other guy since I broke up with Chris (obviously if they're groping me and rubbing up against me then yes I get hard, but just on hugging alone, that only tends to be people I really like.)  I've been grinning like an idiot all day today because of him and the texts he's send me.  I had to forcibly stop myself from asking this boy out properly countless times over the weekend.  This was for various reasons.

Firstly, I think he DEFINITELY needs time to process the whole weekend and what happened and all the good and bad and new and everything.  Secondly, so do I actually.  Thirdly, I want him to make friends, and if I asked him out and we dated and then broke up, I don't want him to lose the people I've introduced him to this weekend because he feels awkward talking to 'my' friends.  Fourthly, I don't want to risk anything that might mean I might not like him at some point, and fifthly, probably the most obvious point in a way, whilst I'm really into him, and I think he's really into me (he text me to say he missed me already within 30 seconds of leaving each other at the tube station), on some rather big levels, I'm not a good match for him - me the  promiscuous boy in love with 3 other people who kinda needs an open relationship and is into all sorts of fairly extreme things - ff, rough/aggressive sex, blood, needles etc.  and him, the innocent, inexperienced guy just starting to find out who he is and what he likes.  Let's not throw him in at the deep end shall we...  You can tell I must really like him because I actively DON'T want to corrupt this one or jump straight in his pants :P

But I have invited him out pretty much all of next weekend, I'm out with people Thursday and Saturday nights so will no doubt drag him to that and that leaves potential options for Friday/Sunday too.  He needs an education in various gay and/or classic films, having never seen Moulin Rouge, Legally Blonde, Bring It On, The Princess Bride, Another Gay Movie and so on and so forth, so I have plans to monopolize his Sundays with films and food and hugs because that's a great way to spend a lazy weekend, and I guess we'll see how it goes.  You will all no doubt see me dragging him to various social gatherings over the next few months and for those who saw us on Saturday that probably comes as a surprise to none of you.  At any rate he's a great hugger and a great kisser and amazingly warm which is always good in the winter months ^.^

Of course now he'll probably read this and I'll be horribly embarrassed for revealing a little too much of my feelings for a boy I met less than 72 hours ago, but it was honestly the most amazing weekend in ages and all thanks to him, so thank you, don't hate me, and Thursday can't come quickly enough for me to see you again and give you a hug :)

Perchance to dream...

I really detest sleep.  That's not true; I hate getting to sleep.  It takes me hours.  I fidget, my mind wont switch off, I can't get comfortable.  Going to bed has become a chore in my head.  I don't enjoy the experience of it, I loathe it, I put it off as much as possible and find ways to avoid it.  It's a trial and if I could do away with it altogether I would do.  Which probably makes the entire thing worse, because then I associate going to bed as a negative, it's a stressful experience for me which means I can't relax and let go, which keeps me awake for longer, thereby reinforcing the entire problem.

On average it takes me an hour and a half to fall asleep once i get into bed, and thats with the late hours I keep.  Generally my only option is to stay up until exhaustion begins to guarantee i'll get to sleep fairly quickly but that itself isn't a pleasant experience nor results in restful sleep, and certainly isn't practical or sustainable on a nightly basis over the long term.

Basically my sleep sucks.  But this is nothing we didn't all already know.


This is my first post from the phone app, so apologies if it all goes arse-over-tit.

You waited till NOW to tell me this?!?!?!

So a while ago I went on a few dates with a boy.  And we really hit it off.  We spent a lot of time with each other over a very short space of time and talked via text or something practically everyday.  We had basically this whole non-relationship thing going on between us.  He was the first boy I'd really liked in quite a while, the first boy I'd really liked on that level since I broke up with Chris, and it was nice to feel that again, and nice to feel it back.  And then that boy was kinda an ass to me.  And I called him on his bullshit.  And he didn't apologise for about a month.  So we kinda stopped talking, and stopped hanging out, and stopped seeing each other.  And the relationship that wasn't happening never got started.

And after a while everything calmed down and we started talking a bit again.  He has a boyfriend now.  So he's unavailable, but we talk.  And then yesterday he told me that he had really really liked me, that he really wanted me, and that I was the first person he'd ever really been able to try any of the things we'd done with each other with.  We were discussing me rentboy history, and he asked how much I used to charge, so I told him.  His response was "you're worth so much more than money."  It's so sickeningly cute you could vomit right?  I'd forgotten, because I'd forced myself to really, just how endearing that boy could be when he wanted to, when he tries.  But like I say, he has a boyfriend now, so I can't have him, even though I still kinda want him.  Why can't boys turn round and tell me all this stuff when they ARE available?  Never simple is it...


Not that I imagine it would actually work out with this boy.  He would want to be monogamous (well he's okay with the occasional threesome).  Which lets face it, isn't going work well with me.  At the end of the day, we all know I'm a slut, and even if you discount the sex with randomers, the whole being in love with 3 other people just kinda makes it almost impossible for me to not have sex outside my relationship.  It's hard to explain to someone who can't ever envisage either open relationships or being in love with more than one person themselves.  You know how when you're apart from the person for a week or two, how you suddenly miss them so much more?  How you want them so much more?  It's not because you love them more suddenly or anything, it's just being apart does that too you.  Remember how good it feels that first night you get them back.  Now imagine you hadn't seen them for 2 years, and you'd missed them just as much every single day for all that time.  Imagine how hard it is NOT to see them, not to want to hug them, not to want to go out with them, and yes, sleep with them.  And I'm in love with 3 people already.  So yeah, monogamy.  Not gonna happen with me

He asked me if he could ever be enough for me, if I thought he was worth it.  This is the bit that's so hard to explain to people who can't relate to this mindset.  It's not about that.  The guy I'm going out with is worth everything I have to give, or I wouldn't go out with them in the first place.  And it's not about them being enough.  My sluttiness and need for an open relationship is a part of my personality - that's like asking is the guy worth me not being a sci-fi geek.  Sure I can avoid doing certain things around him etc, but you can't change who you are.  Well you can, but it generally leads to horrible psychological problems and in a boy who already has those, it's probably best not to encourage them right?


Of course even if we could get over that issue, all this is redundant because the guy has a bf that he's madly in love with now.  So of course I am trying to work out a way to break them up and have him for myself without all of my friends hating me.  This post probably does nothing to further my cause in any way.... :P

Starbuck and Starbuck, in Starbucks, drinking Starbucks

This is officially my favourite picture of the day.  So much love for this.  It's utterly amazing.  If you don't know who these people are you are dead to me.

Also, see this post from the same blog I stole the above photo from: http://www.gavinrothery.com/my-blog/2011/10/21/my-favourite-pilot.html  Katie Sackhoff seriously made the best, most badass, jaw on the floor, femme-fatale, alpha female going.  I would pick her over Six any day.


EDIT:  This is also my 200th post, yay