When not in Rome

Since I know this will be popular with certain friends (and to be fair I usually post such things)

First impressions of Greece as follows:
- Police here are hot
- Friend immediately took me to get food without asking.  This is a common feature of friends when they pick me up.  This is why we're friends ^.^
- Next highlights on his tour were the American Cemetery, Amusement Park, Jail, Cruising Ground, and Beach.  The guy knows me, clearly.
- The friend of his I'm hanging out with is apparently likely to also point out to me various cruising spots and other items of cultural interest
- This is my first time in Greece, so as someone who studied classics, I'm obliged to do the tourist thing at some point.
- As a linguist, I'm fairly ashamed I don't know any Greek at all
- It's also my first proper experience outside of academia of being confronted with, and trying to understand, non-Roman script on a daily basis, further complicating matters.  The emphasis of little prepared I am for this trip, linguistically speaking, is immediate.
- I suspect I may come away not having my bearings much or a good sense of how to navigate the city - my friend has a car and is transporting me around mostly.

The Apostate

Just fuck it right enough, that's it
You'll still go on, well, for a bit
Another day of utter shit

And then there were none
And then there were none
And then there were none
And then there were none

A lot of love to give

I've had my eye on a few boys for a while now.  Not sure if I want to date them or not.  I don't really know them - we've only met each other a handful of times.  Friends of friends.

Which in its own way makes it quite difficult to see them - they're not really someone I met and started an interaction with that's just fallen to the side - our connection is in reference to another; calling them up and chancing it would be so overtly out of the blue it risks putting people off, but that equally just furthers the problem that I don't know them well enough to work out if I want to or to wager whether I think they'd even be vaguely interested or not - it might all just be I met them and think they're nicer than most.

Work doesn't help of course, trying to find free time is a nightmare and the bit of it I do get is either spent tending to my extremely fragile mental health state at current (another major selling point when asking someone out, obviously) or with those I get most value out of the shortest time.  And I'm very conscious I'm about to start ramping up towards busy season at work, which makes asking anyone out rather pointless - I'd see them one, maybe twice and then come across as uninterested as I disappear for the better part of 2.5 months

I'd like to see more of these boys, to work out what's there even if its nothing.  But we don't see each other much at all and even when we do I'm not really good at making conversation with people, especially people I don't know well.

More than that though, I'd just like someone again.  Not anyone.  I'm not that stupid.  But it's been long enough and I really miss having someone.

Dreams

I had a dream last night, we [nicked a car, and] drove out to see Las Vegas.

We lost our [cells] in the [those] bright lights. [LT,] you should have seen us!

[we came to, Scamming] for change [as if] to get home, [just outside] San Francisco.

[You topped off the Gas Card, and said: "let's spend a summer on the West Coast!"]

All I asked, all I asked was: "Please don't tell me that [you're teasing,] I'll  take this #CaliSunrise with me, and wake up with the fondest memories."

[We got lost on the coast road, till we reached San Diego. You tried to tell me the plus sides, I found it hard to believe you.]

We [shared our love of the] ocean while [cruising near high altitude], sunsets never were so BRIGHT, and [you banked quick to show me] the sky's never [more] blue.

You opened up [our dark minds, and shared all to. Singing that song: '#DarkBlue'...

[When I woke that morning, my mind tried to find you, I could still feel the sunshine, and the waves we swam through]...

I whispered: "please don't tell me that I'm dreaming...why can't I take that #CaliSunrise with me, and turn these dreams into memories?"

If I [wake, I'll ] roll over. Dreams, #CaliSunsets can't have you. maybe theirs more #CaliSunrise, more unmade memories.

[For now, I'll take this #CaliSunrise, with me, and wake up when these dreams are memories. I'll never abandon my dreams lad]. Not a least till I have to.

If you [try and find me dreaming: I'll be] down, and to the left.

Anniversary

Remember the time my ex-fiance dumped me?
By email.
An email saying he was going to marry someone else instead.
Except then it turned out they'd already eloped and got married 4 months earlier.
On a trip where I was providing emotional support to my ex via instant messages when the logistics of it fucked up, unaware of the actual purpose.
After years of me asking him to elope with me and him always saying that wasn't an option because of family reasons.
Remember that?

There's an annual reminder in my calendar that pops up this weekend.  Its the date of when my ex-fiance asked me to marry him.  I can't quite ever bring myself to delete it.

Which is completely understandable.  But man, was he an asshole.

And in spite of all that, I still want him.

Trying...

Could you let down your hair
Be transparent for awhile, just a little while
To see if you're human after all

Mutual respect; fun; understanding, he says, before walking off offended when I ask to be alone, because his mood swings confuse me and he scares me.

I realise, I'm used to winning, and I can never win with this one.  He's stronger, smarter, quicker, more stubborn.  The only reason I'm here is because I was the one to reach out in the stony silence.  And even now I don't get so much as an "I'll try"; no promises, we both understand that'd be false, but barely any hint at commitment.  And on every level I try to assert myself I'm reminded I won't win and he won't lose.  I can't remember why I started trying again.

The House Always Wins

Today I take a big gamble.  One I'm guessing I'm going to regret eventually.  I'm betting against experience and with zero reassurances things will change.  The stakes are catastrophically high.  If this goes against me it's of the nature of things that get added to the 'horrible past hidden traumas that colour every aspect of their life in some way'.  But the consequences of not placing the bet in the first place were a guaranteed sustained loss.  At least this way, I might have even some vague hope there's a future in which I come out on top.  This will probably seem ludicrous and inadvisable to anyone else, but honestly when I think about it, this is the only way any of my health issues, physical or mental, have ever seen any progression.  Sometimes I forget how ill I am on many levels, and moments like this remind me that serious health issues demand serious life or death gambles in ways unfair and terrifying

I'm not convinced.  That risks becoming a self fulfilling prophecy in itself.  I'm banking this on no confidence at all, just a tiny, unsupported random wisp of hope that lives somewhere in my mind.

Guess its time to jump and see where you land.