Wow 5 days since my last blog post, thats something. Points for the reference, it gives you an idea of my current outlook on things, as does the first song on the playlist; i can't really apologise enough for that one.
Well the play is getting to me and forming the black hole that I knew it sooner or later would do. In the spirit of this blog saying things I dont or shouldn't in real life, the play really really needs to be called off. It's a week to go, we're missing set for one play, costumes for both, a leading character more or less for one, programmes are unlikely to be done in time, the banner order has just been screwed up, its all totally gone to shit really, and on top of this, we still don't have the sodding performance rights! And whilst it would be epiclaly bad to call it off now, it really does need to be, hell if I could have I'd have called it off 2 weeks ago, but that's not my call to make.
My depression has graduated from the bitter, cynical, blaming everything/one else for my problems kind, to the self depricating, its all my fault one way or another kind. and i'm angry, in the angry demeanour/personailty type kind of way, not the active anger that you feel when something irritates you, just the general pervading helpless anger at the world, everything in it, and all the shit that's going on. the kind of anger that eats away at you horribly, and you know you should stop it but you're too angry and tired to do so. I almost made it through the entire weekend with no breakdowns, no issues, no upsets, and then right at the end of it all, there was a big arguement about the most irrelevant and incosequential of things, and i'm not sure whether i was more annoyed about the issue or about the fact that i'd let myself slip into an argument right before the point where i'd be able to let it all go freely again.
my phone's buggered (admittedly, my own fault) and i dont have time to fix it, i'm tired and want to go to bed but have another 2 hours of play crap to sort through tonight, which i couldnt do earlier because i had to go to sainsburys as i had no food (dinner the other day had consisted of froot loops, a hersheys bar, and green tea), and then hand-wash half my clothes, as we haven't replaced our washing machine yet and i've had no time to do it for the past 2 weeks, and i'm down to 0 shirts 0 pants 0 trousers, so also have to hope at least one of shirts and trousers is dry by the morning. i can cope with commandoness, i've been doing it for the past week anyway as its easier and meant less of a need to do washing. I'm going to need to be the one to go find a new washing machine I can tell, as once again, anything house related my flatmates are being utterly useless at it, not one of them has found time in the last 2 weeks to go down the road to the appliance shop and see about a second hand one. and one of them has fridays off, so i'm not sure what the excuse is. but as i say, as usual, anything house related they for some reason just expect me to do, because im better at it, because they dont bother to go get better at it themselves.
I totally comfort bought over the weekend, I bought new clothes at cyberdog cause they were in the sale, and they look awesome for going clubbing in, as well as an awesome military-industrial black cavas vest thing. i loves it. and i spent much on food and tea and things with joel.
Mood: Tired. In the metaphorical sense. Literal too, but that's a given.
Music: http://open.spotify.com/user/jorgamond/playlist/2lHOexI3UKVAmjQ7Lk6Ezn
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