Monday, 8 July 2019
Okay people, here we go. Are you sitting comfortable boys and girls? Because it's LEARNING TIME.
Yes, it's time for #Bottoming201: THE DOUCHENING.
So, it's been a weird journey since I wrote #Bottoming101. 7 years and ONE MILLION hits later, I get recognised as *that guy* when out, recommended to strangers, and STILL get regular questions, via all kinds of media about things to do with sex from people
Three themes keep coming up of late; over-douching, diet, and gut bacteria. I said some stuff about these in my first post, but science, and my experience of gay sex has moved on in 7 years, so it's time to help answer some questions.
Firstly, over-douching concerns. It is technically possible to overdouche. But mostly, people over worry about this. However you're douching, use gentle pressure. This is about soaking the bad stuff so it comes out easy like you'd do a stubborn saucepan, not jetwashing your ass
If you're using a bulb douche, or a fleet enema pack or similar, you're gonna have to try REALLY HARD to over douche. Your intestines are LONG, and are designed to soak up excess water. Over douching is more likely to happen with a shower style douche
If you're in pain at any point, from too much water pressure, holding it in too long, going too deep, too high water temperature (gut is sensitive!) STOP. LET IT OUT. Do not force this. You are not gonna get anywhere bottoming if you force things
The gut is elastic. It's designed to stretch and move. It's not some rigid thing that's gonna pop and explode as soon as you go 1ml over. But take it easy. Bottoming is a marathon, not a sprint. Everyone's body works differently so listen to yours.
Second area of risk on over-douching: frequency. Again, this is an area where largely, the danger is over hyped. If you're bottoming so much you need to douche every day, you're gonna learn what works for you pretty fast.
I'd personally suggest don't do it more than about 3 times a week, but again, what works for you. And think about what you're doing - if you're not fisting you don't need to douche for an hour. You need a 15 minute clean out of your rectum only, you don't need to go deep.
If you need more convincing about over-douching, I remind you there IS an entire community of regular elbow-deep fisting bottoms out there and they're not complaining about over-douching every other day. They ARE sensible. A heavy play day means a rest of a few days after.
But again, so long as you're sensible, listen to your body, and go easy with the water flow, you're gonna be fine.
Point 2: Gut bacteria. We've learnt a lot in the last decade about how important gut bacteria are for you - they generate a lot of vitamins and are a huge part of your immune system. One of the fears of overdouching is you're rinsing out all this good bacteria.
So to start with: unless you're douching deep into the large intestine, this isn't too much of a concern. The rectum, where most sex happens, is basically a garbage bin. It's where the shit your body has sucked all the goodness out of waits till you find a toilet.
The vast majority of good gut bacteria is further up in your large intestine; so unless you're taking fists, big toys, or are lucky enough to have a very well endowned top who goes past the second sphincter from your rectum to your sigmoid colon, the risk is low
Second counterpoint: Most of your shit is in fact made up of dead or superflouous good bacteria. Like 60-70% of it. You also maintain more or less the same balance of gut bacteria throughout your life - your body knows what it needs and replaces it when there's not enough.
The two main ways you're gonna get rid of gut bacteria are simple attrition from overdouching, or the water upsetting the pH balance of your gut. There's not much advice I can give here aside from to say, largely you're all over-worrying again.
If you're super concerned, some people find taking a multivitamin and a bioactive yoghurt can be helpful, but some don't. The truth is, we actually don't know much about *how* the balance of gut bacteria helps nutrition and immune systems, just that it *does*
Again, if you find you're always a little under the weather after a long, deep bottoming session, plan ahead: first off, is it worth it? second, eat good healthy food after to help restore balance, avoid spicy foods, excessive fruit, etc. and ease off on the sex for a few days.
I said it throughout bottoming101, I'll say it again throughout this. Listen to *your* body. What works for one person may not work for you. Find your own balance. That takes time, patience, and yes, a fair bit of mess. Every bottom you envy has had accidents. A LOT OF THEM
Third point: diets and food for bottoms. I was pointed to this article earlier and I wanna take some time to unpack it - https://www.vice.com/en_au/article/zmpwje/gay-male-sex-bottoming-diet
Firstly, you should all have got by now that my ethos is, do what works for you. If you wanna eat pizza, EAT GODDAMN PIZZA. If your boyfriend is dumb enough to cook chilli and then demand sex, he's a insensitive idiot.
That said, diet, and what you eat DOES make a difference to what's coming out the other end. Fibre is the most important thing. Fibre and water. This can solve a lot of things.
Me, I love kale, which hella fibrous and also super nutritious. You can also get fibre supplements pills pretty cheaply (which I recently started taking and are making a difference, they don't mean i don't need to douche, but they do make douching a lot easier)
It's a thing that applies beyond just sex, but a mixed healthy diet can make a big difference in life. This doesn't mean no pizza. But it does mean pizza might be better as the post-sex reward. Even "healthy" stuff can cause issues if not done in moderation - a lot of grapes whilst tasty will likely give you diarrhea. Learn what upsets your body and plan accordingly but the adjustments should be minor, not major
If you're making major changes to your diet and lifestyle just to have sex with a guy, that guy needs to re-evalute his expectations cause he's a dick (no pun intended).
If you're planning on a long play session (all nighter, sex club, fisting, etc) you might prefer to fast for a period before sex. THAT'S OKAY. A little fasting *can* be beneficial for the body, but make sure you have enough energy to play with, especially if drink/drugs involved
Also bear in mind, if you've been fasting for most of the day, your body will push stuff into your gut a bit faster to help get the nutrients and energy into your system quicker. Don't be afraid to redouche if facilities are available
The article has a 'warning' against douching before sex. I repeat, MILLIONS of men and women out there have been douching for longer than you've been alive. And as far as I'm aware not a single one has died from overdouching.
People recommend against douching in the same way people recommend against eating fast food. Done in moderation, literally no harm is going to come of it. I even tried googling 'death overdouching' for this post and there are 0 results.
And now, a bonus point: the article discusses the 'shame' and 'pressure' bottoms feel to be clean, and this is important so I'm gonna dive into it a little bit.
Firstly, some honest truth.
You will have a messy accident sometime.
You will in fact, have several in your life.
It's unpleasant, and hugely embarrasing and can become associated with some really negative memories. I can't stop that. You can't stop that. I'm sorry.
But it happens to EVERYONE.
I'm an unashamedly experienced bottom and I still worry every time "am I clean?"
TOPS: Do not be an ass about this. In fact, be a fucking angel about it. Don't make a fuss, grab a towel, give it to the bottom first, grab another for you, offer them the bathroom, change the sheets if you need to. DO NOT COMPLAIN.
This is by and large, your fucking fault.
BOTTOMS: Breathe. Take some time. Clean up. And redouche. And if you need to, take a 20 minute break. Things move around a little and you might need to clean out a bit again after that. THIS IS NORMAL. And any top worth his cock will be 100000% fine with this.
Bottoming IS more effort and more planning than topping. No amount of internet advice or diet planning is ever going to solve that. But you can still have fun, both planned and unplanned.
The shame about any kind of mess or the pressure to be a clean bottom is much much bigger than you or than sex. It's a whole problem across society and poor communication with partners that isn't going to be solved any time soon.
You do the best you can, you eat right, you douche when you can, you try and find good partners who understand shit is an occupational hazard and are cool about it. But it happens.
I do not recommend, as some of the guys are doing in that article, changing your entire habits and lifestyle for sex or any guy. Do what suits you. Anyone who "expects" a certain kind of sex, is not worth your time.
The bottom is in charge and sets the tempo all the time. No matter what sub/dom scenarios you're into. If the bottom has a problem or is uncomfortable, EVERYONE has a problem. Be honest with each other, be understanding, don't make a fuss.
So, in summary, and to add from to my golden rules from #Bottoming101
3. Relax and Breathe!
4. Don't worry so much, seriously.
5. Accidents happen, sorry. Be decent about them and move on.
Any questions, my twitter DMs are always open
Oh and in answer to a point someone already made: it's entirely possible both you and your guy are into scat, in which case, all power to you, go ahead, get messy, eat whatever the fuck you like and have fun with it. It's not for me but like hell will I let someone shame you.
Friday, 1 March 2019
What follows is for me, a thing I need to say somewhere, an annual cathartis that's become a form of ritual for me
I love you. I know I always will. I know we both did many good and painful things to each other. I wish I could erase you from my life.
That's not a thing I say lightly. I fundamentally believe you are all the good and part parts of you story. You can't undo one without the other.
But I would have never known you if I could. Even knowing how unrecognisably different a person that would make me.
The friends I wouldn't know, jobs and homes I wouldn't know. How much less capable I'd think myself. I realise what I'd lose.
You entered my life for 3 months last year somehow and I destroyed friendships, I damaged others, I lost any chance I had with either of the guys I had something going with at the time. The small bit of my psyche I'd started to rebuild in the time since I barely kept together. Even now the cracks are still there, threatening to split any second.
I know you're bad for me. I know you destroy everything around you. You found ways to strike at me even after we broke up, from miles away. I also know know I've learnt to project many of my own demons onto you to keep myself alive. I hate everything about you, and yet. I don't, and can't, fall out of love with people. My brain doesn't work like that. Once you get in, you're there, till the last star goes out. I love you and would do whatever you asked, if you simply asked. I hate myself for that.
I miss many other boys right now. I make many mistakes and hurt many of those around me this time of year it seems. But I hate remembering that we fell in love this time each year
One day, I might be lucky enough to be half the man I wanted to be for you, because that man was wanted to do incredible things in the world, believed that he could, and was willing to at least try, even of it might mean failing, or getting hurt.
The man I was when we first met could not even have dreamed of those things.
And it's a far cry from the man you ended up making me today.
Tuesday, 25 December 2018
No. 1 on the list that I definitely should NOT under any circumstances text is my ex, because he's still an asshole, and still doesn't even realise he's an asshole. If he ever comes to the realisation he's the one that fucked up his life I might reconsider, but even then, his re-crashing through my life back in August didn't exactly end well for either me or him so I think my head has finally just learnt whatever happened, he's now an insanely toxic person.
No 2. #bermudaboy. Who was an asshole, but an asshole that realised he made a mistake and made a pretty genuine apology and continues to reach out. But that doesn't erase the hurt or the future doubt, plus he's still in Bermuda and until that changes there's not much that can happen there aside from just both hurting oursleves by wanting people we can't have.
No. 3: #travelguy and this is one I really SHOULD text because there was fun stuff happening with him and then I kinda dropped off the face of the earth for him when ex-recrash happened (see 1 above) and I'd should, and would really like to, try and apologise for doing that to him, especially as he was going through some rough shit at the time. But I should text him later, when it won't just get lost in the Christmas deluge.
No 4: #boy1 who I wanna text, but that's just cause I want an excuse to flirt, and I'm sort of struggling to find ways to do that with him easily cause we don't really hang out. A long game I still have every intention of playing, but I don't think this is the right move. New Year's probably is.
No 5: my best friend from primary school, mostly as a last ditch effort. He's dropped off everyone who knew him's radar and I haven't heard from him except seeing the occasional fb post of his in years. Which sucks. And yes dropping off the face of the earth is a frustratingly recurring problem with my friends which when you have anxiety and abandomnent issues from a personality disorder causes ALL SORTS of problems, but I never really give up on people, no matter how much I probably should at times (see, again, 1, above)
But Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, whatever it might be to the rest of you.
Tuesday, 19 December 2017
I'm aware it's 4am, I'm aware I'm drunk, but hell it's giving me the confidence to do this. It's a shame I didn't get to see you at Lauren's wedding, it would have been nice to clear things between us somewhat; I always maintain the worst we could do is beat the hell out of each other and no one would be shocked at that. I'm glad you saw FDC in New York, he appreciated it. I hope Johnny is okay and I wish the best for you. I may miss you, and love you, and hate you, but I still wish the best this twisted life will grant you.
Thursday, 21 September 2017
My mental health has deteriorated massively again over the past few months.
I'm doing a good job of hiding it in many ways, but I'm acutely conscious that without warning, one day, one of the many fragile glass baubles in my life is going to hit the ground and shatter explosively and disastrously.
My emotions and moods go through 50 different changes a day, and yet there's an undercurrent of white hot hatred sitting through it all in my head the whole time, even when I laugh and smile, it's at the world not with it.
The borderline personality disorder is running rampant these days. The constant sense, or fear of abandonment rife in my thoughts, my social circles closed down to pretty much 3 people that I feel I constantly have to tease contact out of. It's probably nothing like that at all, but I see it in everything.
And then of course there's the constant paranoia, combined with my own hyper analysis; the curse of too routinely having your worst suspicions proved right in the past to be able to ever convince yourself your doubt is misplaced. Trust is something that's usually too wounded in my now to be of any good use to convincing myself my head is crazy.
Work isn't helping to be sure. The last 6 weeks have been pretty god awful in a variety of ways. Worse yet is the constant stream of commentary from just about every person in my life telling me I'm being undervalued - frankly, my who knows I'm fucking good at the things I do in life and few people could keep up with me, but having every single person in my life comment over the last few months on what they think I should be doing, funnily enough, makes me feel god awful.
I still lack for purpose or interest in living. I never had a strong one to start with but I havent ever managed to regain anything concrete the past few years. And I still lack confidence in my ability to fix that problem after the last time to bother trying to again
It's one of the reasons I've thrown myself so hard into the Lib Dems - it's pretty much the only thing I'm genuinely enjoying recently. It's a distraction from every other voice in my head and hellish day, keeping me occupied for a bit, even if I have to be somewhat fanatical about the whole thing in order to achieve this. And I've rarely had my skills and curiosity recognised and encouraged so readily. But it's ultimately a overcompensation and facade hiding much deeper problems.
I still lack for a purpose or interest in living, years later nothing convinces me to stay except for the utter lack of confidence still in my ability to fix that problem after last time - a fact which no doubt causes comfort to friends, but feeds my own sense of abject failure and hatred at both myself and the world.
I go to work, I pay my bills, I go out, I see friends, I eat food, I plan for the future, I continue to manage all these things when I have no desire to because I have no idea how to fail nor would I ever be allowed to by an array of forces I find hostile and unwanted.
When it crashes down, don't say it was unexpected. I've seen it coming for miles.
Thursday, 7 September 2017
You're supposed to care.
In some way.
It's supposed to mean something to you.
You're supposed to keep wanting and trying to do that.
You try to connect with people, and pretend that things have meaning or impact any more than some artificial, ephemeral, momentary set of chemicals firing synapses lighting up neurons and assuring you that yes you do feel and care and for once maybe, or at long last it finally matters in even the most cursory and selfish way.
But it doesn't.
Those moments and people go by and they have no more meaning 30 seconds later when out of view than they will in death.
We can all pretend and even get good at it and forget even to ourselves how insipid it is. Or you can spend your waking and sleeping hours with a million different voices telling you every moment of every day how long ago you stopped caring, when you stopped believing, or trying, or finding a reason to fight and carry on, and now your existence is largely a product of resigned apathy that your lack of motivation has become so ingrained you no longer can bring yourself enough to care to change it in either direction.
You're supposed to care.
But I still can't see why on earth I need to anymore.
Saturday, 20 May 2017
"If I lose just six seats I will lose this election..."
But more importantly, this shows just how ridiculous it is that the Conservatives should be so complacent about this election when their position is in fact so tenuous as to be not just in danger, but eliminated if they lose a mere 6 seats
As one friend pointed out: "if these are their campaign promises, what the hell are they planning to sneak in quietly after the election?!"
If you vote Conservative, you will get Hard Brexit with no final say by the public and a very limited say even by our elected representatives.
If you vote Conservative you get someone who prioritises foxhunting over the NHS.
If you vote Conservative you will get an increasingly authoritarian and invasive state, far worse than anything the EU ever regulated.
If you vote Conservative you will have no guarantee that the changes Brexit brings will still leave you with 28 days holiday, the right to paid leave, or to discuss your working hours, or retain your job when you are sick for a long time.
If you vote Conservative, you will get confirm that it's not about the Conservatives, it is about Theresa May, her personal vision of dystopia, and those 6 seats.