No longer as truthful as should be deserved, some names, places and events deliberately vague to protect identities that aren't mine

Monday, 7 September 2015

Turn it off

I have a growing problem.

I'm unable to voice my frustrations at #superaggressivefb.

We spend an increasing amount of time together, which is good and nice.  But this means all the minor things grate more and there's less time for the irritation to fade in-between.  Sometimes its silly actions he takes.  Sometimes it's aspects of his personality that I find difficult.

Early on when we started seeing how far we could push each other, I started putting my irritations at him in a box in my mind, to be used at a later date when I was beating on him and could channel my rage into the desire to hurt him.  That worked great.  But the outlet for my rage is much less than the inflow.  The box has got increasingly bigger.  I haven't let loose at #superaggressivefb in a good while, we're both a little scared of the look in my face when we test that line and this is probably the underlying reason why.  The unresolved frustration is evident - I'm inpatient with him in the morning, I become irritable easily, my anger ramps from zero to full even quicker than previously.  It's not what I want to be like around him.  It makes too much of the time I spend with him unpleasant, and he's one of the best things to happen in my life, and certainly the life-saving grace of the last 12 months.  Of course there will be bad moments, but in my current state they happen too often for too little reason.

The problem is, most of the time when I'm angry at him, we're around groups of friends, or at the very least his husband and one of my best friends.  So you can't really yell at someone and be angry at them and vent in that situation.  So it goes into the box for dealing with later.  We actually used to spend more time alone when we were first getting to know each other.  Now its very rare for us not to be around his husband and my friend.  Which is a good thing because we've all become a group of friends with each other.  But again, less opportunity to vent, less opportunity to let my rage go.

#superaggressivefb has had a tough week.  He asked for a nice weekend.  He asked me to smile.  I tried to.  But I hit issues.

When I get mad or upset, I don't react well to things.  I know this.  I know I'm very likely to respond in the worst way possible to someone who doesn't deserve it about something that isn't connected.  So I remove myself from the situation.  I go away and calm down and when I can think about it properly I work out what actually bothered me and then go back to them and duke it out.  I still yell, I still sound pissed off, but the red haze doesn't cloud my vision, I'm not lashing out physically or emotionally, and I'm not just reacting defensively.

A few weeks ago this caused a big problem.  Walking away and shutting someone out is the worst reaction to have to #superaggressivefb.  So after the dust settled from 2 bad reactions, he asked me not to do it in future.  I'm trying, but I'm failing.  On Saturday I got angry and I left.  That's not to say I'm not making progress.  I came back.  I came back quicker than I otherwise would have.  I come back when the red haze is gone, but I haven't done my thinking, when some of the rage is still there, I can just stop it from lashing out inappropriately.  Its progress, but its not what was asked of me or what he needs.  I told him this weekend (making the realization myself as I said it), that I hold myself to MY standards around him, not his.  That's actually very rare for me.  My standards are unfairly high on me, and currently only one other person gets that privilege.  So to my mind, I failed in my reaction.

Failing once, I then did try to talk to him.  And came very close to shutting him down again.  The anger and hurt in his face, and the fear and regret it instilled in me would stop me from doing it a third time you'd think....

Sunday my head did something stupid.  It decided it wanted something.  It demanded and expected it.  And when it didn't get it, it ignored and forgot about all the good things that had happened this weekend, and sulked.  And because others were around, I couldn't tell #superaggressivefb what was going on.  I got stuck with endless thoughts in my head.  Thoughts that kept me up even when he had me pinned within his arms in bed to stop the rage from spilling out and assure me I was safe and he cares for me.  So I got up out of bed and walked away.  I didn't run like I wanted to.  I went to the other room and started blogging.  He eventually came and found me.  I sheepishly asked if I could come back to bed, ashamed at failing him for a third time.  Frustrated at him, myself, the situation, but especially that I couldn't just lie there in bed with him even if it meant I was angry.  My way of not running.

I'm struggling to find a way to deal with the bad parts of my rage that doesn't involve walking away, to tell #superaggressivefb when I'm upset and why, .  They're my problems to sort out, they're big ones, ones I'm failing at repeatedly.  Ones that are are causing big problems, as they end in resentment and bitterness.  If I don't learn how to do these things I'll fuck up a really good friendship,

He needed a nice weekend from me, he specifically asked for it, he asked me to smile.  I think he got that.  I struggled to give it to him, and at points I certainly failed, probably because I wanted to try so much.  But he fell asleep happy Sunday night, his husband on one side and me on the other.  He struggled when I tried to tell him things on Saturday night, because his week had been tough enough.  I didn't tell him any of the stuff above because that definitely would have been too heavy.  He stopped me from telling him something big, that I rarely admit, that I can't even remember now I suppress it so much.  I wanted to tell him at one point, but he (fairly) wasn't able to deal with that at the time.  I'm trying to make the change from the boy who desperately needed support from him for months, to one who can support him back.  He reads my blog.  He'll read this.  I hope he reads it when he has memories of a nice weekend in his head.

Post script:

Some of the good things this weekend:
- The understanding and forgiving smile on his face when he came in the bedroom Sunday night.  It's exactly why I want to find a way I can fix my problems and not fuck up a good friendship.  Even confused and angry, I appreciated his action so much.  Apparently this equally showed in the smile on my face when he walked in.  He pisses me off, he's a best friend of course he does.  But even with one or both of us reacting badly, there's a connection that works.
- The three way sleepy hug with me, #superaggressivefb and his husband in bed on Sunday afternoon.  It a wonderful demonstration of trust, acceptance, and privilege to be invited to join a couple like that.
- Faith.  Inviting someone to see such a personal aspect of you is something that again, offers great privilege.  I count it as a significant moment in the development of our friendship.
- When I couldn't sleep, or get comfy, and was fidgeting non stop at 5am disturbing everyone, #superaggressivefb rolling over, ordering me to cuddle up and letting me be the big spoon (I'd mentioned how much I like this to him earlier that day).  Asleep 20 minutes later.

I have concerns.  Increasing concerns about many things.  Ones that #blondie probably thought of months ago in his perceptiveness.  But there are continued good things.  Things worth fighting for.  Things worth hurting for and writing blog posts about.  We're both still learning.  Blogging helps.

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