You're just too good to be true; can't take my eyes off you...

Many months ago, I was in a rather bad down period, and I shut myself off from everyone for a few weeks. Because I needed to, because dealing with myself was enough of a struggle, let alone trying to read social situations, act appropriately in them, respond when spoken to, even amongst people I didn't have to pretend I was okay with.

I was still going to work, because the advantage of my work meant if necessary I could close myself off from everyone and just delegate everything that involved actually dealing with people, so I didn't need to take time off from that.  And very very slowly I started to get better.

And one night, a friend invited me out after work.  It was just gonna be a few people, that I knew well, and they knew me and my crazy pretty well.  I wouldn't really have to socialize in any real way.  And I warned them I'd probably just stand in the corner and watch the proceedings.  But it was a start.  It would get me back out in the world and dealing with other people.  Baby steps and all that

So after work I hauled my ass across London and walked into the bar, my friend who had invited me saw me and came and gave me a hug and had the sense not to ask in depth about how I was or force me to talk to people or anything.

And then two other people joined our group that I didn't know.  Two of the most perfectly beautiful boys I have ever met in my entire life.  They were both jaw droppingly stunning.

And my head was in such a screwed up state as it was, added to the standard intimidation around cute boys that you fancy multiplied by the fact these were two of the hottest guys I've ever met, that I wasn't even able to say "hi" or introduce myself for the next few hours, despite the fact we were clearly part of the same social group.

I've since got to know them both; I know their names and they know mine.  And they are still two of the most beautiful people I have ever met, and I still have to secretly keep my jaw from falling to the floor every time one of them walks in the room, and I still wrack my brain every time I see them just to think of something interesting to say to give me an excuse to talk to them.

True Power

I'm short, scrawny, have crappy hair, a lot less self confidence than I appear to and yet I can make a man bigger than me, stronger than me, and capable of getting almost any boy or thing he turns his mind to, blush and smile through a simple text message.

:)

Simple things...

A kiss in an elevator
Being told for 30 minutes to ask the same question over and over
Making stupid faces on the tube for 5 minutes straight
Kissing in front of all my friends
The most brotastic hug I've ever had
Waiting for signal to send a text, only to receive one that said everything I wanted to say the second I got out of the tunnel
Realising that all my wildest fantasies, and worst fears, were completely true.
Waking up to breakfast cooked by a naked hot muscled jock.
Finding time to make breakfast during a 3 hour argument.
Holding hands when nobody noticed
Waiting 20 minutes just for the chance to kiss each other
3 minute make out sessions in the brief period when no-one else is around to see
Never being criticized or admonished for my honesty, even when it may be better judgement to keep my mouth shut at times.
Getting each other drunk because it's the only way we're able to face saying goodbye.

This is my perfect moment with you...

So I recently went out with a guy one evening.  And in normal circles, I guess you could argue that it was a date.  Whatever it was, it was kind of perfect.

I met him at the train station, and we wandered around town for a while.  We got ice cream and sat out in the sun whilst we ate it and people watched.  Then we went to one of his favourite parts of town, and had a nice dinner together.  We ordered different appetizers and swapped half of them so we could try each others.  Yeah, you wanna throw up don't you.  We got given free booze and got way drunker than we'd intended to.  After paying for nothing near the amount we had consumed we went for a warm night time stroll around the city.  He gave me a flower he picked in the park where his first boyfriend had asked him out.  And then he dragged me off to a secluded corner down a dark road and fucked the hell out of me.  Cause any kind of perfect night for me is obviously going to involve getting fucked in a public place :P  After that we went to a bar and drunk even more whilst we talked about each other and fantasized about why we'd be so perfect together, and then I walked him back to the train station and waited with him until he had to leave.  I got my goodbye kiss.  And it was, completely, and utterly, perfect.

Yeah you can hate me now.

I'll keep you my dirty little secret

Friends keep asking me why I never seem to get on with certain people.  It makes their heads hurt less if I just play innocent on that one...

Also, someone has no idea he keeps making me think of someone totally different.  I don't like to destroy his happy little illusion.  It's sweet though.

A little TOO much fun...

Warning:  Post discusses sex, bowel movements, and other such overshares of information, so don't read this just before you eat.


So Tuesday night I went out in Manchester and got very very drunk.  As a result of this, at about 5am in the morning, I ended up fucking some random guy, without a condom.  It was hot, and the guy actually already had cum in his ass, which just ended up getting me off more.

That said, it was, a very stupid, drunken mistake.  I can be off my face in chariots on a saturday night on whatever substances and still maintain an awareness of risk, but apparently enough drink and I'll stop paying attention.  Now, of course, this isn't the first time I've fucked bareback.  When I'm in a relationship I almost always don't use condoms when I have sex with my partner.  I have, in moments of poor judgement, screwed around with people I know and ended up not using condoms.  And yes, even in a relationship both myself, and my partner have messed up and admitted to making foolish mistakes.  However in those cases, it was what could be argued as a calculated risk.  Mistakes to be sure, but the people I was fucking around with were people known to me, people I could be fairly confident of their sexual health, that I could be relatively certain got tested regularly, would inform me if I needed to be informed of anything, and were contactable if I needed to contact them for anything.  Tuesday night was a random guy, who I don't even know the name of, who was clearly not particularly selective in his choice of partner, and may have had anything, it wasn't really something my alcohol addled brain considered important to ask at the time.

So now I'm on PEP, which for the few readers of my blog who don't know, is basically anti-retroviral medication for HIV.  Not because I have HIV, but because PEP, if given within 72 hours of possible exposure to HIV and taken for a month may reduce the chance of contracting it, and frankly, in this instance, I'd rather be safe than sorry.  My relatively frequent visits to the US, and eventual schemes to move there, would become significantly harder, and in some instances impossible, were I to become positive.

Again, for those who don't know, I'm now basically on a month long course of some rather horrific and horrible medications, all of which come in big pills, and tend to cause nausea, vomiting, muscle ache, tiredness, diarrhoea, as standard acceptable and expected side effects, not to mention the severe ones.  It's 3 pills with a meal and 2 other pills 12 hours later.  On top of that I have extra pills to combat the diarrhoea and nausea that have to be taken on their own schedules.  To get all this took 4 hours in A&E wednesday, 3.5 hours at the STD clinic today, a fingerprick HIV test, 7 vials of blood taken, a full sexual health screen and I have to go back to the clinic next week for further tests and again at the end of the month long course to have all the tests done all over again.  USE CONDOMS KIDS!

So far I've been pretty lucky.  I've had a fair amount of nausea and of course cause my digestive system is special that leads to some pretty damn painful and intense muscle spasms as my intestines all cramp up.  No diarrhoea yet but my digestive system definitely doesn't like these drugs so I'm expecting some horrors there sooner or later.  I fell asleep for 3 hours earlier today I was so drained of energy and my muscles and joints are all achey all day.  But that's getting off pretty lightly compared to what some people get on PEP.  To top this all off the anti nausea pill I've been on numerous times before and it actually makes my body fairly ill, especially once I've been on it for a few days and the dosage in my system builds up.  So I can not take it and be ill from the HIV med induced nausea or take it and be ill from the supposed anti-nausea pill.  Fun huh?  That said, I've found eating helps to combat the nausea, so I'm basically gonna get fat right in time for the summer.  And right now, I don't have any nausea - on my last dose I took the 3 HIV meds and the anti-diarrhoea pill but not the anti-nausea one, so maybe I try that again tomorrow and that might lead to the least amount of side effects.  Maybe.  If I'm lucky.  Wishful thinking and all that...  Again, USE CONDOMS KIDS

It's actually kinda funny/interesting/potentially disturbing that a lot of people assume because of how I talk about sex, my approach to it, and the kind of sex life I have - things like going to bathhouses regularly etc, that I'm already positive and barebacking with anyone and everyone who asks.  I'm not, I have some sensibilities, I have some standards, as with my kink and life in general, I may engage in risky behaviours and activities from time to time, but they are all calculated risks.  I am negative, and I have no wish to become positive, stuck with yet another debilitating life long condition that is effectively terminal sooner or later, and requiring constant medications that come with endless amounts of side effects just to more or less stay alive. That's not me criticizing anyone who's positive, that's me saying its a horrible illness to have, and as I said, whilst the chance of me contracting HIV in this instance may be fairly minimal, I'd still rather be safe than sorry.

At any rate this may put my attendance to Full Fetish this weekend into question :(

TP Creativity

Best thing you'll see on the internet this week:

"Nina Katchadourian whiles away long plane journeys by locking herself in the lavatory and pretending to be a 15th century Dutch painting. The project began spontaneously on a flight in March 2010 and is ongoing…"
http://www.sadanduseless.com/2012/04/lavatory-self-portraits/#bXRW1GUTIUeb4F7F.01