No longer as truthful as should be deserved, some names, places and events deliberately vague to protect identities that aren't mine

Sunday, 29 November 2015


Bears watch over me I'm told.  Bears are on patrol in the South, protecting their charges.  Bears that like the winter.   Greater European Moosebears.

A jackal ranges far and wide for the charges I once gave it. 

But even bears don't watch as closely as we watch each other.  It's intimidating, so I'm told.  A near-palpable force that can be hard for others to break into.  A sixth sense constantly aware of each other, constantly keeping tabs and checking in.  Guarding.  Protecting.  An feat we can't manage for ourselves. 

He makes dinner and puts the rest in the fridge for the week.  He knows I'm not eating.  I put petrol in the car and keep my keys closeby in case.

Bears have been spotted nearby.  Out in the dark.  Marking their patrols.

Wednesday, 25 November 2015


Once upon a time, a boy made me breakfast.   He made bacon.  Real crispy style bacon.   Scrambled eggs that ran and melted as you ate them.  And he made muffins.  English breakfast muffins.  He cooked them in the fat from the bacon till they were crispy.   I fell in love with that boy and he fell in love with me and for years whenever I missed him I would go out and buy eggs, bacon, and muffins and cook them.  The memory of that morning, of falling in love with him, helping to keep me going when he couldn't be there to hold me.

Years later, I met someone, and for breakfast one day he made eggs, bacon, and muffins with no knowledge of its meaning to me.  Placing the muffins on my plate he suddenly whisked them off again crying "no! wait!" and took them to the pan full of bacon grease, dropping them in, coating them on both sides and letting them sizzle, before placing them on my plate once more.  I tried not to cry.  I hid it with a huge grin.  Muffins have become an in joke with him and I still haven't explained to him completely why.

The boy I fell in love with... he's not mine anymore.  But when I'm sad, and alone, and I don't have someone to put their arms around me and hold me, I go to the store and I buy eggs, bacon, and muffins.  And I remind myself of a different morning when a boy cooked me breakfast.  Of becoming a friend instead of falling in love.  I try to remember that someone cares for me, even if it's no longer the boy I love.

Monday, 23 November 2015

That small still voice.

So its gonna be forever
Or its gonna go down in flame
You can tell me when it's over
If the high was worth the pain.

Today I've struggled to remember why I try so hard to be a certain kind of person. I'm trying to remember the small, quiet voice I heard Friday night that almost made my heart break.  But today it all seems a rather pointless gesture.

Friday, 13 November 2015

Why oh why didn't I take the blue pill?

Words from a good friend if mine:

"I know people who's islets of langerhans don't work. They need to take pills and injections every day just to perform as basic and human a task as eating.
I know people who's CD4 cells don't work. They have to take pills every day go perform as basic and human a task as getting over a cold.
I am a person who's brain doesn't work. I have to take pills every day to perform as basic and human a task as feeling love and feeling loved.

Sometimes I hate that I need that pill just to be human, but it's good to keep it in perspective."

Thursday, 12 November 2015


I remember running like that.  Wow.  I miss that.

I'm the one you chose
Out of all the people
You wanted me the most
I'm so sorry that I've fallen
Help me up lets keep on running
Don't let me fall out of love

Saturday, 31 October 2015


It's Halloween.

My favourite day in the entire year.  It almost wasn't.   It's also the day I found out I have HIV a few years ago.  But my love for what the day means to me overcame that.

I didn't have a costume this year.  I wanted to be Astroboy.   But I lost my bank card and my pay came through late this month.  So I didn't have time to find what I needed.  That sucks.  But it didn't mean I didn't celebrate.

I get stupidly excited for Halloween.  I go full in for it given the chance.   People accuse me of being American in my attitude to it - as with so many things - because of how my enthusiasm comes across.  That unfairly misunderstands why exactly I love this day.

The walk down to the tube station this evening proved to me exactly why - it's a night when everyone truly shows themselves.  What they like, what makes them laugh, what they enjoy,  how they see themselves, who what they want to be.  What we find scary.  What we find impressive.  What we consider iconic.   Some are zombies,  some are doctors, some are princes and fairies, clowns and music stars, cartoon characters, comic book villains, it's an excuse to wear something outrageous and obnoxious and people will compliment you on it.

Going down to the tube there was a girl on crutches coming up the stairs.  She was in costume.  The costume kept getting in the way of the her crutches and she was struggling to get up the stairs.  She was laughing about it.  She doesn't care.  She's determined to go out.  To have fun.  And she wants to look like this.   So she does. 

Wow, if only we had the strength to do that in life the other 364 days.  For some reason we only consider it okay on this one night. New Years' enjoys a partial level of this societal acceptance of weirdness, but only partial.

You see the most interesting and unexpected things about people.  Who the geeks and nerds are. Those who choose truly specific characters.  Who takes pride in their outfit.  The ones that wear a hoodie most days but make sure their costume's fastenings are historically accurate.

For the LGBT+ community it can take on a special difference - the chance to reveal a little of a side of you that might not be open to anyone yet.  To be a bit more flamboyant and ostentatious.   To wear the clothing you actually feel comfortable in.  I was told recently that decades agos Halloween was the one night where police in San Francisco wouldn't harrass drag queens - where they were welcome in bars for one night only cause it was fun.

I admit, I see Halloween different to most people.  And I don't think people are analysing their costume choices this closely.  It's just some harmless fun.  A chance to dress up.  An excuse for drinking if you're an adult and indulging candy whatever age you are.  But it reveals all these things if you make a habit of observing people's mannerisms.  It's fantastic.   I love it.   I wish we all did it more.  Embrace our fears and our idols.  What could be wrong with that?

Happy Halloween.

Wednesday, 21 October 2015

Marching Orders

**There are some minor edits and formatting changes still to be done to this post, but I've decided to post it up while it's still fresh in my mind**

I've said it plenty - I don't really consider myself to have 'fantasies' by and large - long term wishlist items to tick off a sexual bucket list.   I try in most things in life to go in with our expectations - you're not disappointed if the format is different from what you played out in your head, and can even be pleasantly surprised.

That said, while I consider what happened recently/is about to happen following that to be a scenario in an ongoing roleplay, I've no doubt a lot of you will most definitely have had a fantasy along these lines.

Well it's happening to me and I get to live it so I'm going to brag and take the opportunity to make you all jealous because WHY THE HELL WOULDN'T YOU?!?! (Obviously that will only be apparent once you've read the full post and learned about what's going on)

#superaggressivefb beats me up fairly regularly.  I love it and enjoy being in pain as part of sex in general.  This is all well documented by now.  I'm single and not exactly an obedient sub and believe the bottom is always in charge anyway,  so I'm ultimately free to do whatever the hell I like, and whilst I certainly wouldn't say #superaggressivefb owns me, he does dominate and control me a hell of a lot of the time
#superaggressivefb has someone who beats him up, who as before, we shall name #Boss to indicate the hierarchy.

I've met #Boss with #superaggressivefb a few times and we've all played together - by which I mean they let me get a few pretend hits in and then I usually end up on the receiving end of both of them.  #Boss and #superaggressivefb have a dynamic.  #superaggressivefb and I have one.  #Boss and I haven't had enough time together to find ours yet but we learn more each time.

We all met up.  With the intention of fighting (and fucking) all day.  

#superaggressivefb and #Boss were planning a big fight towards the end of the day - 6 rounds of pretty damn hard going.  These boys do not play lightly.
They put a wager on the fight - Me.
If #Boss won, I'd be his until Christmas.  
We'd also get to beat up #superaggressivefb together - meaning I'd get to lay into him as hard as I liked to.  I have 3 speeds with almost everything in life - 0/not bothered enough to notice, comfortably coasting and hyperactive.  In physical aggression this translates to unable to (e.g. too deep in subspace), good effort but not gonna make the cut I'm afraid,  and the point at which adrenaline kicks in and everything goes off the charts. 
We've never properly let me let down my control enough to reach that third point yet - we want to - but it's unpredictable to both of us and we have no idea where it will go or end up.  But we want to.  And here would be the chance to do so.

There were other bits of fights and play during the day, but eventually we were all in the right mood.  I kitted them both up.  They squared off against each other.  I was paraded up between the both of them as the prize at stake.  And then began round one.

It was hard.  #Boss always goes pretty hard when I see him.  He loves it and gets into it but means he sometimes ramps up way beyond where other people can meet him on a similar level.  #superaggressivefb was going for it though. He wasn't trying not to lose, or avoid getting hurt too badly, he was determined to win this time.   These were not light blows and it was not for show.
It was in a living room so limited space sure,  but enough to dance around each other and swing a full punch.  It was intense.  And incredibly fucking horny.

6 rounds, 2 minutes each.  That's a lot of time to repeatedly punch and defend if you've never tried it.  A lot of hits to take either way.  #superaggressivefb caught a vicious blow in the third and struggled to recover.  Repeated hits brought him down in the fourth and fifth rounds and he didn't manage to get up again in the fifth.  He was trying.  He really wanted to win this one.  Seeing that was a huge turn on in itself - what it said about the dynamic between us even beyond this roleplay.

But he lost.  So now he has to ask #Boss for permission to use me.

We ran out of time and I wasn't in the proper headspace to let myself go on #superaggressivefb.   But the prize handover so to speak has been arranged.  There's two nights coming up when #Boss has the place to himself.  The original plan (and my cock can't help but be disappointed a little this isn't happening cause it's so obviously hot) would be that #superaggressivefb would bring me to the flat (he has keys) the first evening before #Boss gets home.  Strip me, tie me down to the bed, make sure I was lubed up and then leave me there exposed until #Boss came home.  Then it's up to #Boss how he uses me over the following few nights.  
Unfortunately #superaggressivefb is now away with work those dates, so I'll be given keys to let myself in.  I can't tie myself up.  But I'm still expected to be face down on the bed, naked, and lubed ready.

It's horny as fuck.   I'm so excited and can't wait but I'm also admittedly, and probably sensibly, a little bit scared - #Boss goes HARD.  Harder than #superaggressivefb does.  And I don't go down without fighting.  I react.  I lash out.  Very few people would do that to #Boss.  And none of the three of us have worked out if I will yet.  That could be very dangerous - #Boss naturally loves those who fight back, but then he comes back even harder than before.  I've in fact been ordered by #superaggressivefb not to react.  I can surpress it if I have to.  It's a visible concerted effort, but I can use the anger to hold my fists firm in place rather than move them if have to.  It's also going to be the first time #Boss and I will be playing by ourselves - we'll be working out the dynamic and boundaries as we go.  It's going to be intense and definitely painful.   But oh god is it going to be fun.

So, to sum up.
My dom took me to get abused by one of his friends
He then traded me to his friend to see fit as he used for a period of time.  I was ordered to do anything I was told, and importantly, to not fight back.
I'm going to stay at the friends for a few nights soon.  I've been given keys and he's expecting to find me face down, ass up and lubed upon his return home.
He may or may not bring others home with him.
I'll probably get woken up at 4am or whatever time the mood takes him just like when I stay at #superaggressivefb's
I'm allowed to get my revenge on my dom for all of this.
I'm almost certain several of you have had this fantasy.  Maybe with less punching.  Maybe not - maybe your version involves you being forcibly kidnapped first.

There is a lot more to this story.  And there are other scenarios to follow from it yet planned.  But those details remain my secret horny knowledge until I choose otherwise.