Disillusioned twenty-something who's watched too much Sex & The City, read Bridget Jones' Diary too much, and has an unashamed love of Dawson's Creek attempts to attempts to write with a disarming amount of honest about the thoughts that go through his rather disturbed head, punctuated by music and images where he can be bothered

Currently blogging a breaking heart whilst I also skirt the bounds of mental stability and a recent suicide attempt

Tuesday, 5 May 2015

And on and on...

I have to make it through I tell myself.  I have to get through this.  By why?  Why do I tell myself that?

Because it's what's expected.  Because it'd look bad otherwise.

You have to deal with it.  Just till then.  After that, you can collapse for a bit, let a little bit out, before you have to make it through again.

Don't run.  Don't hide.  Don't look for a way out.  Where would you even go.  Where could you go.  Where could you actually go and not need to come back.  So don't run.  You can't.  There's no point.  You just have to get on with it.  Stick it out.  You can't leave. Even if you tried, you know you can't.

Giving up.  Stopping.  Failing.  That's pathetic.  So keep going.  Get on with it.  Do it. Until you can break just a little bit.  And then get on with it all over again.

Living for the weekend

My old roommate came to stay.  We have a joke that we're not boyfriends.  I don't have any kind of romantic love for him.  He's not a soulmate.  But he's... a part of me?  ...a kindred spirit?
I realised how much I missed him.  How much I need him.  How much the little, quiet things he does became critical parts of my coping mechanisms.  He's so emotionally astute he acts before you even knew you needed him to. 

I remembered just how much of my support network I catastrophically lost within a matter of weeks.  How much everything fell apart at the same time.
I realized how I haven't managed to rebuild anything even resembling one facet of that structure.

I'm living for my escapes right now - a weekend off away from the world; the pain of getting beat up for sexual gratification; an afternoon where a fake world on a boardgame is the only version of reality; the heavy, struggling-to-breathe ache of a little too much hard liquor to 'celebrate' another week I've got through; a hockey game that feels as if I have an identity aside from the ones I absorb from other people.

I smile, I laugh, I experience the incomprehensible love my friends have for me. 
There are momentary brief incandescent flashes of blinding life.
But I still can't find a reason to fight, a reason to live for, something to strive towards. 

No one can say a word and give me that, I don't expect them too, it's not some misunderstanding that there's nothing good for me.  Bright burning moments just become anomalous data points in a generally declining lifeline. 

I still think about suicide daily.  I'm still trying to work out a plan that will succeed, that's viable, that's accessible.  Still just going through the motions until then for lack of anything else to do.  To keep occupied.  
If not I'd sit there, passively depressed.

I don't want to be passively depressed, I actively want to not be here constantly doing everything that is living. 

Even sleep.  Sleep is easier than most admittedly, but it's still something you do, and I'm seemingly more aware of my sleeping than most people, I notice the time pass while I sleep, and its something that takes effort, exertion, time, commitment, concentration.  Its less demanding, and importantly usually less taxing, than being awake, but it is still living.
And I am tired of living.

Monday, 4 May 2015

Platonic feelings

To the boy who sat there slowly stroking my hair for an hour and a half without saying a word, because he could tell my head was giving me severe issues, I could not love you more than I did in that moment.  You almost made me cry as I realized how much you silently do for me, and how much I need you.

Thursday, 23 April 2015

Lie to me

Go away.  Just... Stop.  Just like that.  It'd be nice wouldn't it.

Thursday, 16 April 2015

Certain words in uncertain times

I know it's hard to tell how mixed up you feel, hoping what you need is behind every door; each time you get hurt I don't want you to change, because everyone has hopes, you're human after all.
The feeling sometime wishing you were someone else, feeling as though you never belong: this feeling is not sadness, this feeling is not joy, I truly understand. Please, don't cry now.

Please don't go, I want you to stay.
I'm begging you please, please don't leave here.
I don't want you to hate; for all the hurt that you feel,
The world is just illusion, trying to change you

Being like you are, well this is something else.
Who would comprehend?
But some that do lay claim divine purpose blesses them.
That's not what I believe, and it doesn't matter anyway.
A part of your soul ties you to the next world, or maybe to the last, but I'm still not sure.
But what I do know, is to us the world is different - as we are to the world, but I guess you would know that.

The world is just illusion...

Wednesday, 15 April 2015

Invitation

I'm just putting this out there, any crazed psycho murders wanna turn up in my bedroom overnight, I'm game.  For real.

Just saying...

Saturday, 11 April 2015

Thrive

You probably know I pick my words very carefully.  My choice of one word over another is usually intentional, reasoned, planned.

'Survive' is a word I've come to hate.  It's something people have come to expect of me.  Friends, partners, strangers.  I'm unfortunately very good at surviving.  Against most things other people wouldn't.  I have this detestable habit of always landing on my feet.  It's not an ability I'm proud of, or even try to make happen.  When I seek medical help, it counts against me - despite depression, suicidal thoughts, hearing voices, the fact I survive - I get up, I go to work, I put food in me - gets me written off as someone who will cope, eventually, sooner or later.  It might get bumpy, but I'll come out the other end of it by myself somehow.  The mere use of the word is enough to get me angry these days.  You'd be impressed at the amount of sheer vitriol I can put into a single word when I have to say it.  I utterly hate the word, and the concept..

With that in mind, and the caveat that currently, I'm not so sure how sold I am on the title word of this song, I give you Switchfoot's Thrive:

Been fighting things that I can't see
Like voices coming from the inside of me and
Like doing things I find hard to believe in
Am I myself or am I dreaming?

I've been awake for an hour or so
Checking for a pulse but I just don't know
Am I a man when I feel like a ghost?
The stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothes

No, I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
A steering wheel don't mean you can drive
A warm body don't mean I'm alive

No, I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
Feel like I travel but I never arrive
I wanna thrive not just survive

I come alive when I hear you singing
But lately I haven't been hearing a thing and
I get the feeling that I'm in between
A machine and a man who only looks like me

I try and hide it and not let it show
But deep down inside me I just don't know
Am I a man when I feel like a hoax?
The stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothes

No, I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
A steering wheel don't mean you can drive
A warm body don't mean I'm alive

No, I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
Feel like I travel but I never arrive
I wanna thrive not just survive

I'm always close, but I'm never enough
I'm always in line, but I'm never in love
I get so down, but I won't give up
I get so down, but I won't give up
I get so down, but I won; t give up

Been fighting things that I can't see
Like voices coming from the inside of me and
Like doing things I find hard to believe in
Am I myself or am I dreaming?

Am I myself or am I dreaming?
Am I myself or am I dreaming?

Thrive, thrive, thrive, yeaah, thrive

No, I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
A steering wheel don't mean you can drive
A warm body don't mean I'm alive

No, I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
Feel like I travel but I never arrive
I wanna thrive not just survive
I wanna thrive not just survive

Yeah yeah
Feel like I travel but I never arrive
I wanna thrive not just survive
I wanna thrive not just survive
I wanna thrive not just survive

Feels like I travel but I never arrive
I wanna thrive not just survive