A bad day in a bad week each year.

What follows is for me, a thing I need to say somewhere, an annual cathartis that's become a form of ritual for me

I love you. I know I always will.  I know we both did many good and painful things to each other. I wish I could erase you from my life. 

That's not a thing I say lightly.  I fundamentally believe you are all the good and part parts of you story.  You can't undo one without the other.

But I would have never known you if I could.  Even knowing how unrecognisably different a person  that would make me.

The friends I wouldn't know, jobs and homes I wouldn't know.  How much less capable I'd think myself. I realise what I'd lose.

You entered my life for 3 months last year somehow and I destroyed friendships, I damaged others, I lost any chance I had with either of the guys I had something going with at the time.  The small bit of my psyche I'd started to rebuild in the time since I barely kept together.  Even now the cracks are still there, threatening to split any second.

I know you're bad for me. I know you destroy everything around you.  You found ways to strike at me even after we broke up, from miles away.  I also know know I've learnt to project many of my own demons onto you to keep myself alive. I hate everything about you, and yet.  I don't, and can't, fall out of love with people.  My brain doesn't work like that.  Once you get in, you're there, till the last star goes out.  I love you and would do whatever you asked, if you simply asked.  I hate myself for that.

I miss many other boys right now.  I make many mistakes and hurt many of those around me this time of year it seems.  But I hate remembering that we fell in love this time each year

One day, I might be lucky enough to be half the man I wanted to be for you, because that man was wanted to do incredible things in the world, believed that he could, and was willing to at least try, even of it might mean failing, or getting hurt.

The man I was when we first met could not even have dreamed of those things.

And it's a far cry from the man you ended up making me today.

As we kiss hard on the lips and swear this year will be better then the last...

Christmas is like being drunk because you have urges to text people you probably shouldn't in the spirit of goodwill and tidings of the season and all that.

No. 1 on the list that I definitely should NOT under any circumstances text is my ex, because he's still an asshole, and still doesn't even realise he's an asshole.  If he ever comes to the realisation he's the one that fucked up his life I might reconsider, but even then, his re-crashing through my life back in August didn't exactly end well for either me or him so I think my head has finally just learnt whatever happened, he's now an insanely toxic person.

No 2. #bermudaboy.   Who was an asshole, but an asshole that realised he made a mistake and made a pretty genuine apology and continues to reach out.  But that doesn't erase the hurt or the future doubt, plus he's still in Bermuda and until that changes there's not much that can happen there aside from just both hurting oursleves by wanting people we can't have.

No. 3: #travelguy and this is one I really SHOULD text because there was fun stuff happening with him and then I kinda dropped off the face of the earth for him when ex-recrash happened (see 1 above) and I'd should, and would really like to, try and apologise for doing that to him, especially as he was going through some rough shit at the time.  But I should text him later, when it won't just get lost in the Christmas deluge.

No 4: #boy1 who I wanna text, but that's just cause I want an excuse to flirt, and I'm sort of struggling to find ways to do that with him easily cause we don't really hang out.  A long game I still have every intention of playing, but I don't think this is the right move.  New Year's probably is.

No 5: my best friend from primary school, mostly as a last ditch effort.  He's dropped off everyone who knew him's radar and I haven't heard from him except seeing the occasional fb post of his in years.  Which sucks.  And yes dropping off the face of the earth is a frustratingly recurring problem with my friends which when you have anxiety and abandomnent issues from a personality disorder causes ALL SORTS of problems, but I never really give up on people, no matter how much I probably should at times (see, again, 1, above)


But Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, whatever it might be to the rest of you.

A lot of love to give

I've had my eye on a few boys for a while now.  Not sure if I want to date them or not.  I don't really know them - we've only met each other a handful of times.  Friends of friends.

Which in its own way makes it quite difficult to see them - they're not really someone I met and started an interaction with that's just fallen to the side - our connection is in reference to another; calling them up and chancing it would be so overtly out of the blue it risks putting people off, but that equally just furthers the problem that I don't know them well enough to work out if I want to or to wager whether I think they'd even be vaguely interested or not - it might all just be I met them and think they're nicer than most.

Work doesn't help of course, trying to find free time is a nightmare and the bit of it I do get is either spent tending to my extremely fragile mental health state at current (another major selling point when asking someone out, obviously) or with those I get most value out of the shortest time.  And I'm very conscious I'm about to start ramping up towards busy season at work, which makes asking anyone out rather pointless - I'd see them one, maybe twice and then come across as uninterested as I disappear for the better part of 2.5 months

I'd like to see more of these boys, to work out what's there even if its nothing.  But we don't see each other much at all and even when we do I'm not really good at making conversation with people, especially people I don't know well.

More than that though, I'd just like someone again.  Not anyone.  I'm not that stupid.  But it's been long enough and I really miss having someone.

Dreams

I had a dream last night, we [nicked a car, and] drove out to see Las Vegas.

We lost our [cells] in the [those] bright lights. [LT,] you should have seen us!

[we came to, Scamming] for change [as if] to get home, [just outside] San Francisco.

[You topped off the Gas Card, and said: "let's spend a summer on the West Coast!"]

All I asked, all I asked was: "Please don't tell me that [you're teasing,] I'll  take this #CaliSunrise with me, and wake up with the fondest memories."

[We got lost on the coast road, till we reached San Diego. You tried to tell me the plus sides, I found it hard to believe you.]

We [shared our love of the] ocean while [cruising near high altitude], sunsets never were so BRIGHT, and [you banked quick to show me] the sky's never [more] blue.

You opened up [our dark minds, and shared all to. Singing that song: '#DarkBlue'...

[When I woke that morning, my mind tried to find you, I could still feel the sunshine, and the waves we swam through]...

I whispered: "please don't tell me that I'm dreaming...why can't I take that #CaliSunrise with me, and turn these dreams into memories?"

If I [wake, I'll ] roll over. Dreams, #CaliSunsets can't have you. maybe theirs more #CaliSunrise, more unmade memories.

[For now, I'll take this #CaliSunrise, with me, and wake up when these dreams are memories. I'll never abandon my dreams lad]. Not a least till I have to.

If you [try and find me dreaming: I'll be] down, and to the left.

Anniversary

Remember the time my ex-fiance dumped me?
By email.
An email saying he was going to marry someone else instead.
Except then it turned out they'd already eloped and got married 4 months earlier.
On a trip where I was providing emotional support to my ex via instant messages when the logistics of it fucked up, unaware of the actual purpose.
After years of me asking him to elope with me and him always saying that wasn't an option because of family reasons.
Remember that?

There's an annual reminder in my calendar that pops up this weekend.  Its the date of when my ex-fiance asked me to marry him.  I can't quite ever bring myself to delete it.

Which is completely understandable.  But man, was he an asshole.

And in spite of all that, I still want him.

Trying...

Could you let down your hair
Be transparent for awhile, just a little while
To see if you're human after all

Mutual respect; fun; understanding, he says, before walking off offended when I ask to be alone, because his mood swings confuse me and he scares me.

I realise, I'm used to winning, and I can never win with this one.  He's stronger, smarter, quicker, more stubborn.  The only reason I'm here is because I was the one to reach out in the stony silence.  And even now I don't get so much as an "I'll try"; no promises, we both understand that'd be false, but barely any hint at commitment.  And on every level I try to assert myself I'm reminded I won't win and he won't lose.  I can't remember why I started trying again.

We're not done

It's easy to ignore you
When I see you down the hall
It's easy to be angry
It's easy not to call
To throw away this thing we had
And blame it all on you
It's harder to admit
I miss it too

It's hard when I come up with something new
And I can't show you
It's hard to see you suffering
It's hard because I know you
It's hard to find forgiveness
We've said all there is to say
What sucks is
I don't see another way

Quiet thoughts on a Saturday afternoon

There's a lot of things I'm not saying.

I miss my friends.
This is partly my own fault and partly not.  Between disagreements over previous repeated suicidal bouts, attempting to recover from such, insane work commitments over the last 12 months, intentionally shrinking my social circles to cope with the previous 2, and my just naturally overly busy schedule, I haven't had much free time.  A friend asked if we could do something on a Sunday not too long ago - over a 3 month period I only had 2 dates I could offer, the soonest being 6 weeks away even still.  Friends have, probably understandably, rather given up on trying to hang out with me except for special occasions like group birthdays etc.

I still have my Monday night social, which keeps me sane(ish) week and week, in so much as it acts like a stress reliever, but after 5 years of such and an ever decreasing size of the group that turn up each week my mind has partially desensitised to the effect of it - as I say, it works as a temporary stress reliever, but given its default regularity, doesn't seem to count a huge amount towards 'seeing people' anymore.


I'm supposed to be in Brussels this weekend.  A replanned trip for a good friend who wanted to go to Amsterdam but I told him I could only go as far as Brussels.  Clearly, we're not there.  Work got in the way.  Super long days, weekend work, getting home at 2am and going back to work at 7am, not eating, all of this meant I had to make the call that 6 hours of driving, half of it in a foreign country, was going to end badly, and so I cancelled the trip.  It sucks.  I feel horrible for cancelling on the friend who was counting on me for one of his first proper vacations in years.  Everytime he tries to tease me about it I get defensive and lash out at him.  I'm at work on Sunday this weekend already of course.


I was supposed to be in Thiepval this weekend.  At the Somme memorial event.  I won tickets.  I asked my best friend if he was up for it.  War services seem to be a thing we do.  For someone who normally does not display the correct emotional connection during times of public grief, war services do have a connection with me, again, not so much an outward one, but inwardly they mean a great deal to me.  Brussels was the replanning of this Thiepval trip when that went awry.   Thiepval went awry, well because I fell out with my best friend I suppose.  Which sucks.

I miss him.  He fucked up pretty badly and did something pretty damning to be fair.  I would like to somehow reconcile, but that's not just about me forgiving him and forgetting about it, that involves him putting in a fair amount of effort in to try and make things up or apologise to me.  That effort seems to be... virtually non-existent.  One in person talk that he walked away from and a handful of text messages over 6 weeks.  He seems to have no interest in putting in the effort to make up with me.  Which is the way things go sometimes, but it still hurts a lot, I still miss him a lot.  He was a big and critical part of my life (and a very critical part of my mental health support over the past 18 months that has now vanished - at many times the curiosity of where his friendship might go over the years was the sole thing keeping me around) so finding out you're not worth making the effort for is never a nice position to be in.


I miss his husband.  He's someone who doesn't say a lot, and who doesn't reveal his emotions very easily.  But over the last year I've reached a point where I feel I can read him fairly well, that we have established some of our own connection.  We both realise that ultimately, our friendship will always hinge on my interaction with the (ex-?)best friend, but we had definitely got to a point that there was a personal interaction between us.  The messages he's sent me over the past few weeks have been heart-wrenching at times.  It made me realise I don't just miss my friend; I miss both of them.


This all leaves me in a state where I'm falling very free and loose mental health wise again.  I feel supremely disconnected from the world, there's no one I feel like talking to, seeing people is either a chore or they're no longer around or interested.  I've wondered about reaching out to the best friend - about once again, swallowing the hurt and being friends with him because I mentally need the stability.  But ignoring the problem would lead to internalised resentment down the line.  Brussels friend is also seemingly very concerned about any prospect of reconciliation - partly because of the effect the whole issue and its history have had on him personally, and I also get the feeling he just doesn't think the guy is any good for me to be around, period.  It's not hard to work out who each of these people are, so you'll understand why Brussels friend's severe reaction to me reaching out makes me give pause and consider whether he is in fact right and I should trust in his assessment of me far more than I trust my own.

But either way, I miss everything right now.  It all gets increasingly distant every day.

Date Night

I have a completely inexplicable confidence when it comes to dating.  For someone who struggles to say hello when meeting friends of friends, when I meet a guy I like I have no problem with just stating that and asking them out, straight up.  All those horrors of dating that everyone else frets and worries about - so do I, but I absolutely thrive on them.  What to wear, what to say, what will they wear, how do you say hello, one cheek or two, a hug, shake hands, what?  It's fucking incredible for me.

So I met a boy, this being me, I met him via sex.   He's the only boy I've ever know who could make grey underwear look good.  So you end up in that rather hilarious situation where you're kind of backtracking and going: 'BTW, having just fucked, are you single?  Would you like to go for a drink?'   You find yourself knowing them intimately but knowing very little about their likes/dislikes/interests beyond that.  It's a little surreal but it certainly doesn't discourage me in any way.

So we arrange a first date, and on the day he has to reschedule.  He's very apologetic about it, and says can we get a reschedule in the diary at the time, which shows a genuine desire to not just fob me off.  I say it's okay, my colleague will probably be happy I'm free to stay late at work instead - we're doing the BAFTAs a few days later and its all rather manic.  He clarifies that the reason he has to reschedule is he's doing design work for the Opera Awards.  I burst out laughing - we clearly speak the same language when it comes to getting stuck late at work!

Take 2 rolls around, it takes a bit of back and forth to decide where, I run through plans A B and C before D proves mutually agreeable and more importantly, accessible for both of us (he seems to live somewhere that doesn't just have a constant route into Z1/2 - uh oh!).  I think of four different places we could go, I arrive early and he gets stuck at work 15 minutes late and so I wander around the area checking out the Friday night queues (~2-3h) to get into anywhere that might take our fancy.  I plan and plot and devise all the permutations necessary to make the outcome look easy and effortless.  It's not, it's through actions like this.  But I find these kinds of actions easy; second nature, so I barely even register that I'm doing them.  I ring my best friend before I go - a ritual, a pep talk, a nerve settler.  A part of me remembers I used to ring my boyfriend before going on dates with other boys and how perfectly okay that was for the two us.

He arrives and we head off.  The bar I was banking on is a no-go.  So as two aimless gays are wont to do in Central London, we start drifting Soho-wards.  Then inspiration hits me and I divert us to somewhere better, somewhere definitely date-worthy; a little show-offy.  He already knows the place.  That's a good sign - he's not intimidated and knows some of the hidden gems of London.

We stumble through some conversation.  This is the bit where I actually have to try.  I have to focus.  I asked him out.  I devised the date; it's my responsibility to not let it fall flat, to drive it forward through that awkward phase till it becomes clear it's either good or bad.  So I dig deep to remember all the tricks I've learnt, what to say, how to react, what to pick up on, what to offer as conversation points of my own.  This bit isn't easy for me, but he's just as hot as I remember, and he's smiling, so it's enjoyable.

He asks what I get up to when either of us isn't overworked or just naturally keeping ourselves very busy.  I concede I'm a geek - I play video games, I read comics, I even hesitantly admit I play tabletop RPGs like D&D.
He asks what Edition.

The slight tension between us vanishes.  A kindred spirit.  We curse 4th Ed and pretend it doesn't exist.  We compare hilarious character stories.  Conversation becomes free and easy, it ranges wider (he loves 80s movies - I'm instantly sold on him), we get animated,  On the way back to the tube a woman in front of us jokingly comments she's never known anybody talk so loudly - another sign we're enjoying each other's company.  The answer is obvious; I'm not hedging my bets in any way, but brave, confident and forth right once more I hazard the second date question before the first one even ends.  He says yes in principle; we both agree it may take quite a bit of negotiation to find free time in both of our constant work and social schedules.  But he agrees.  He leaves smiling.  We're talking the same language on a lot of things, and it's a relief to us both.

My friend rings me on the way home.   He asks me who walked who to the station.  He knows me so well.  He knows I know how to end a date.  He can hear me smiling and bouncing and dancing.  I'm flying.  I couldn't stop it even if I wanted to.  A mental switch suddenly flicks in my head and I'm struck by the awareness of it - this guy is just potential, it's only first date territory, with an agreed to second one - but I've always stated I take better care of myself when I have someone else to do that for, than when it's just for me.  He's just potential, but I want to see where it might go.

There are no bad dates.  There are dates you get good stories from.  Hilariously bad stories you shop around your friends for pity with alcohol and ice cream and movies.  But at least you have a terrible warning story to tell for years to come.  And sometimes, dates are fantastic and better than either of you hoped for or believed might happen.

This is why I love dating.  All that potential, possibility, agony, emotion, from just 2 drinks.  I already know where I want to take him for a second date.





(Weirdly, I don't have this confidence when it comes to asking a girl out - there I'm just as useless as everyone else.  Although admittedly the Aries in me would be incredibly turned on by any girl forthright to ever ask me instead.)

Young, scrappy and hungry

I know my sister like I know my own mind,
you will never find anyone as trusting or as kind. 
If I tell her that I love him she’d be silently resigned,
he’d be mine.
She would say, “I’m fine”
She’d be lying.
But when I fantasize at night
It’s Alexander’s eyes, 
as I romanticize
what might have been if I hadn’t sized him up so quickly. 

Neutral ground

"..and if we should meet through some misunderstanding,
I'll be very sweet, very patient and forgiving;
Now get off my side of the state.

And if we should see one another in passing
Despite these techniques there is sometimes no avoiding
There must be some kind of mistake.

We'll raise high our white flags and bow heads and shake hands
Declaring the land, we're on un-American:
We'll call it even, we'll call it even.

I am the tower around which you orbited,
I am not proud, I am just taking orders,
I fall to the ground within hours of impact,
I hit back when hit and attack when attacked.

And I am an accident waiting to happen,
I'm laughing like mad as you strangle the captain,
My place may be taken but make no mistake,
From a little black box, I can say without shame

That you've lost, that you've lost
Do you know what you've lost?

So take whatever you'd like, I'll strike like the states on fire.
You won't sleep very tight, no hiding, no safe covers,
Make your bed and now lie just like you always do,
You can fake it for the papers but I'm on to you, I'm on to you..."

Willpower

This is gonna hurt...

People seem constantly amazed by my willpower, my ability to either commit, or to resist.  It's nothing like that.
My power to commit is based off knowing all the alternatives are unacceptable to me.  It's not willpower, it's my only viable course of action.
My power to resist is based off not putting myself in the circumstances in the first place.   I have zero willpower, so I simply avoid the situation so it's never tested.

I saw it coming.  I should have said no when those plans first changed.  I should have cut my loses then.   But I am a secret optimist.  I always live in hope the same course of action will have different effects.  That this time it will go the way I intend, not the way it inevitably does.

It was my last hockey game today.  I can't afford it anymore.   4 months ago I gave up the gym so I could afford hockey.  I loved the gym, but hockey was good for me, so mental health won over physical health and I put my money towards hockey.
Now I have to pay for therapy.  It's not much, but it means I have to give up something.   My only major recurrent expense from my disposable income each month is hockey.  It's a huge blow, I hate giving it up.   But I have to.  And hope the pay off for my mental health is worth it.

I wanted it to be a nice final night.  And it wasn't terrible.   There were friends.  We won.  But the friends were late.  I was going to go home with one after and talk to them about a load of important things we both have going on.   We didn't.   He told me he'd go home with me.  He told me he'd make sure I got home.  He didn't.

It's going to be a horrible few months with other changes I'm facing, but this is going to be the hardest.   I'm loyal to my friends to the point of a character flaw.  It takes a lot to push me away for longer than 5 minutes or make me give up.  But I can recognise when I have to avoid the situation in the first place, because I don't have willpower when my friends ask things.  So I have to stop myself being asked.

This is gonna hurt...

Fruitcake

Once upon a time, a boy made me breakfast.   He made bacon.  Real crispy style bacon.   Scrambled eggs that ran and melted as you ate them.  And he made muffins.  English breakfast muffins.  He cooked them in the fat from the bacon till they were crispy.   I fell in love with that boy and he fell in love with me and for years whenever I missed him I would go out and buy eggs, bacon, and muffins and cook them.  The memory of that morning, of falling in love with him, helping to keep me going when he couldn't be there to hold me.

Years later, I met someone, and for breakfast one day he made eggs, bacon, and muffins with no knowledge of its meaning to me.  Placing the muffins on my plate he suddenly whisked them off again crying "no! wait!" and took them to the pan full of bacon grease, dropping them in, coating them on both sides and letting them sizzle, before placing them on my plate once more.  I tried not to cry.  I hid it with a huge grin.  Muffins have become an in joke with him and I still haven't explained to him completely why.

The boy I fell in love with... he's not mine anymore.  But when I'm sad, and alone, and I don't have someone to put their arms around me and hold me, I go to the store and I buy eggs, bacon, and muffins.  And I remind myself of a different morning when a boy cooked me breakfast.  Of becoming a friend instead of falling in love.  I try to remember that someone cares for me, even if it's no longer the boy I love.

Old Habits

Breaking up with the guy I'm not dating, who isn't the guy that's not my boyfriend, and not the guy I'm sleeping with.

 Obviously

Noted Absences.

"...well you two clearly have things you want to say to each other."

Stop being so accurate.

A small form of courage

I always find one of the hardest, bravest, and most freeing things to do is kiss another guy on the street.

I'm old enough to have grown up thinking being attracted to guys meant a life very unlike what you expected - no marriage, no kids, hiding to a certain degree.  So much of that has changed for the better these days.

Standing on a street corner, kissing my date goodnight.   It shouldn't be anything.  But it is.  It still is.  There are jeers from passersby.  People gawp and tut as they walk past us. 

It's a terrifying thing.  Still.  This isn't even my boyfriend, just a guy I had a nice evening with.  Even with my eyes closed a part of me is constantly alert for the potential aggression.  The tone in the jeer that means we should pull apart for a moment.  The sound of footsteps suddenly running towards us.  Maybe a real threat, maybe just to scare us.  Either way it's there.

I've always been confident on this front.  Defiant.  I'm scared.  Every single time.  Straight people never have to think of this.   I do.  Every time.  But I refuse to be beaten.  I will stand on that corner.   I will kiss him.  Even amongst the cries and unhidden comments.  Meeting the eyes of those who stare.  I am entitled to kiss the person I like.  I have earned the right to be open to love.  Generations stand with me on that street corner.  Scared too.  Defiant too.

It's a simple but powerful thing.  To kiss someone.  The person you like.  We take it for granted.  It's still a rare opportunity in too much of the world.  Gay or straight or anything. 

To kiss someone shouldn't be a protest.  But if it is, I'm all the more determined.

#GTJDQFI

I remember the day you told me you were leaving
I remember the make-up running down your face
And the dreams you left behind you didn't need them
Like every single wish we ever made

I wish that I could wake up with amnesia
And forget about the stupid little things
Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you
And the memories I never can escape

'Cause I'm not fine at all

It's going to be a tough week...

A real gets-inside-and-rips-you-apart pain

All the love's still there, I just don't know what to do with it now.

You know I still can't believe we both did some things I don't even wanna think about.
Just say you love me, and I'll say I'm sorry.

Oh can you tell, I haven't slept very well since the last time that we spoke.  Please understand I've been drinking again and all I do is hope...

It's Wasn't Tuesday This Time

Today I miss you.

Today I miss our talks, and our fights, our secret unseen messages to each other, the ways we'd show we cared when others couldn't see, how we absolutely hated each other and knew it every moment of every day.

I miss your safety.  The breath I'd release being held in your arms again that first night.  A smile I've yet to get back since.  The knowledge that as long as we lay there it didn't matter how bad it all was, what my head said or yours, we'd lie there, awake, sleeping, crying, breathing.

The second night, pulling you in close to me.  Watching guard over your shoulder that nothing would threaten you.  The purpose and surety that I could.  Whatever it was, I could.  I could summon any strength in those moments, when you had none.

I miss dreading that fight.  Knowing it would happen every single time.  Knowing it was to come.  Knowing it was stupid, and pointless, and that it was everything we both knew was true.

I miss being so scared I could never say goodbye.  Or you couldn't.  One of us was always statuesque.  Rigid, unmoving.  Unable to return that finale embrace.  I miss the hurt, and release of a 12h long journey home spent crying the entire way.  So badly the automated cameras couldn't validate my ID.

Today I miss you.  Tomorrow you'll be the guy I'm moving on from.  But tonight I want you here.

Shut the fuck up you're amazing

So this was obviously a private conversation, but I've decided to share some parts of it, because it's the first time I think I've ever managed to properly put into words that do due justice to the truly platonic love I have for #Blondie

In worrying about him, and giving him more that he was giving me (cause he's hiding from his own demons in fairness) I failed you: by being too angry to wait for you; by being so angry it overrode my near constant impulse to look out for you in whatever way I can.  You are one of the few people I can save, and sometimes I need to for my own sanity, and I failed you on that this weekend.

Sometimes I hold myself to an unnecessarily and unfairly high standard, it's silly I know.  But you are one of the people I can consistently meet it for ... I know your safety isn't my responsibility, and it's not something I can ever guarantee, but it is something I can do, that I can't do for a lot of people, for a lot of people I wish I could ... never doubt that I will strive to do better by both of us next time.

In some very rare moments, I manage to articulate exactly what my feelings are, without losing anything along the way.  This was one of them.