No longer as truthful as should be deserved, some names, places and events deliberately vague to protect identities that aren't mine

Tuesday, 30 March 2010

The sky is falling and no-one knows.

I have the feeling I'm gonna end up doing something insanely stupid in the not too distant future that might actually lead me to my first ever genuine regret in life, and a massive one at that.  Ironically enough, because of the very fact I'm so shit-scared of it actually happening to start off with.  This is my whole low self esteem thing kicking in again - I compensate by bravado, and things which scare the hell out of me I meet head-on, and beat into submission by sheer brute force, for better for worse, and with little regard to the consequences so long as it gets me through it.  You might think this would be an admirable quality, but in that case you've clearly never seen the fallout of such an action.

It feels as if it's one of those cases where I'm damned if I do and I damned if I don't.  And in such instances, I prefer to see it through on my terms.  It might not make for the best solution, or even a desirable one, but where something scares me that much its the only way I know how to cope.  To take control, and orchestrate it myself; at least that way I know 80% of what to expect, so its not such a huge shock, rather than having to face all 100% without warning.  Of course it rarely works like that in reality, but it's the only thing I know.  And when you're alone, having to make your own decisions because no-one can make them for you, with little to go on cause everyone else is sick of hearing about it and you're sick of telling them, and missing the support you could do with because its your thing to deal with, sometimes you make a wrong one, even though you're fully aware its wrong, because at least it's a fucking decision.

Mood: Scared.  Duh.

Music: I have returned to the realms of ambient classical compositions to punctuate my mood, thus:

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