No longer as truthful as should be deserved, some names, places and events deliberately vague to protect identities that aren't mine

Saturday, 15 May 2010


I've had this on my facebook notes for a while now, and it in turn came from a forum elsewhere, but I think it deserves a place on the blog, and it's a good piece of writing.  Somedays I feel like one of Adam's boys.  Most days I feel like Adam.  You tell me if either of those are a good thing, or which is better.

Adam just wants to make sure he makes the best impression, Adam wants to know that everybody has seen his best side. Adam knows the importance of perception, and is very accommodating to the needs and desires of his friends. He ensures that his friends are told often how ready he is to to lend an ear, he let's them know how alike he is, and how lucky he, and they, are to have found each other. Adam tells you he needs you and you know you need him. Adam would never hurt anybody, he has been hurt enough. Adam has reams of tales of hurt and manipulation, and he opens up to his friends so readily, with so much emotion. In turn their hearts are rendered open, and they become one, they know their connection is real, unique, as it is with all his friends. Adam loves you, and you, and you, and you and needs you, and you, and you, and you.

England is a small country, Adam knows. Adam is well versed in travel, and loves to meet friends from all over the country. The further the better, why complicate things? Things only get complicated when friends are brought together, Adam knows this. Adam knows that things are easier to handle when those he loves are separate entities. Adam doesn't want to complicate things. Adam is the first to try and make things better, full of apologies and retractions, his ever-so-rare displays of emotion being let out, just for you, and you, and you, and you. Adam is afraid he's going to mess things up, so has to be extra careful. Adam knows he's found something special, but then, there are so many special things out there. So many special things and who is harmed if nobody knows? Not you, or you, or you, or you. Separate entities and separate worlds, they all know they are loved, they all know Adam needs them.

Adam cannot for blamed for his faults, Adam has a troubled past. Adam is so ready to discuss his secret, troubled past. Funny how easily he switches from traumatised to cheer, from sorrow to joy. He cannot be blamed. He is beautiful, intelligent, a flower crushed by outside forces. Everybody desires him, but he chose you, and you, and you, and you. He just wants to make the best impression. The best persona. The best fit. Adam just wants to make friends, sometimes they only want to be friends with a single man. Or a artistic man. Or a caring man. The best impression. Adam cannot be blamed for his beauty. He needs to surround himself with these people, who he loves ever so much, who want him ever so much, who remind him of his beauty. He tells them he needs them and as long as they need him nothing is wrong and no harm is done. No harm is done if they need him, these separate entities and separate worlds.

Adam has always known how to look after himself, but you know that he needs you. Adam knows he has to be able to shrug some of you off, but you think that he needs you. When you are such a sensitive and beautiful soul as Adam, there has to be some kind of damage control. When the separate entities communicate, somebody has to become the bad guy. And it won't be Adam, because he loves you, and you, and you, and you. One of you is lying, one of you is trying to hurt Adam, but Adam has done nothing wrong, he just needs you, and you, and you, and you. He is true to you, as much as he knows truth. He is true to the moment, true to the feeling, true to the impression, true to the persona. Adam knows that the truth only exists in action, but this truth need not be the same for all of his loves. Why should he be the same person when he the capacity to be many, many more? He is wonderful, skilled, kind, caring, he will be there as long as he needs you, as long as he needs you.

Adam has many enemies. Funny how they used to be friends. Funny how they fell out of favour. Funny how easy they were to throw away, when they became too complicated to maintain. Funny how it was always their fault. Their hate seems so strong, but why would anyone hate such a delicate creature? He has suffered so much, and still they hate. They are in the wrong, he has suffered so much, he must be protected from those that would do him harm.

But he's always looking for more friends, friends that won't listen to the liars that speak of manipulation. That speak of hurt. Adam says they are lies, he hopes you believe him. But you need Adam. You will believe him. Adam loves you, and you, and you, and you. And he just wants more to love, and more that will need him, and more to make him feel, make him feel, make him feel wanted and needed and needed, but Adam knows this will not be enough, this will never be enough, never enough while he still performs. While he still has to account for his many, many lives, many, many loves, none of them want the real Adam, the Adam that died years ago, the Adam that never saw the light of day, the Adam that was smothered in lies and manipulation and treachery, replaced by a leech, only desire to be wanted, but nobody will ever want you, Adam, because Adam no longer exists except in best impressions, personas, perceptions.

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