Monday, 8 July 2019
Okay people, here we go. Are you sitting comfortable boys and girls? Because it's LEARNING TIME.
Yes, it's time for #Bottoming201: THE DOUCHENING.
So, it's been a weird journey since I wrote #Bottoming101. 7 years and ONE MILLION hits later, I get recognised as *that guy* when out, recommended to strangers, and STILL get regular questions, via all kinds of media about things to do with sex from people
Three themes keep coming up of late; over-douching, diet, and gut bacteria. I said some stuff about these in my first post, but science, and my experience of gay sex has moved on in 7 years, so it's time to help answer some questions.
Firstly, over-douching concerns. It is technically possible to overdouche. But mostly, people over worry about this. However you're douching, use gentle pressure. This is about soaking the bad stuff so it comes out easy like you'd do a stubborn saucepan, not jetwashing your ass
If you're using a bulb douche, or a fleet enema pack or similar, you're gonna have to try REALLY HARD to over douche. Your intestines are LONG, and are designed to soak up excess water. Over douching is more likely to happen with a shower style douche
If you're in pain at any point, from too much water pressure, holding it in too long, going too deep, too high water temperature (gut is sensitive!) STOP. LET IT OUT. Do not force this. You are not gonna get anywhere bottoming if you force things
The gut is elastic. It's designed to stretch and move. It's not some rigid thing that's gonna pop and explode as soon as you go 1ml over. But take it easy. Bottoming is a marathon, not a sprint. Everyone's body works differently so listen to yours.
Second area of risk on over-douching: frequency. Again, this is an area where largely, the danger is over hyped. If you're bottoming so much you need to douche every day, you're gonna learn what works for you pretty fast.
I'd personally suggest don't do it more than about 3 times a week, but again, what works for you. And think about what you're doing - if you're not fisting you don't need to douche for an hour. You need a 15 minute clean out of your rectum only, you don't need to go deep.
If you need more convincing about over-douching, I remind you there IS an entire community of regular elbow-deep fisting bottoms out there and they're not complaining about over-douching every other day. They ARE sensible. A heavy play day means a rest of a few days after.
But again, so long as you're sensible, listen to your body, and go easy with the water flow, you're gonna be fine.
Point 2: Gut bacteria. We've learnt a lot in the last decade about how important gut bacteria are for you - they generate a lot of vitamins and are a huge part of your immune system. One of the fears of overdouching is you're rinsing out all this good bacteria.
So to start with: unless you're douching deep into the large intestine, this isn't too much of a concern. The rectum, where most sex happens, is basically a garbage bin. It's where the shit your body has sucked all the goodness out of waits till you find a toilet.
The vast majority of good gut bacteria is further up in your large intestine; so unless you're taking fists, big toys, or are lucky enough to have a very well endowned top who goes past the second sphincter from your rectum to your sigmoid colon, the risk is low
Second counterpoint: Most of your shit is in fact made up of dead or superflouous good bacteria. Like 60-70% of it. You also maintain more or less the same balance of gut bacteria throughout your life - your body knows what it needs and replaces it when there's not enough.
The two main ways you're gonna get rid of gut bacteria are simple attrition from overdouching, or the water upsetting the pH balance of your gut. There's not much advice I can give here aside from to say, largely you're all over-worrying again.
If you're super concerned, some people find taking a multivitamin and a bioactive yoghurt can be helpful, but some don't. The truth is, we actually don't know much about *how* the balance of gut bacteria helps nutrition and immune systems, just that it *does*
Again, if you find you're always a little under the weather after a long, deep bottoming session, plan ahead: first off, is it worth it? second, eat good healthy food after to help restore balance, avoid spicy foods, excessive fruit, etc. and ease off on the sex for a few days.
I said it throughout bottoming101, I'll say it again throughout this. Listen to *your* body. What works for one person may not work for you. Find your own balance. That takes time, patience, and yes, a fair bit of mess. Every bottom you envy has had accidents. A LOT OF THEM
Third point: diets and food for bottoms. I was pointed to this article earlier and I wanna take some time to unpack it - https://www.vice.com/en_au/article/zmpwje/gay-male-sex-bottoming-diet
Firstly, you should all have got by now that my ethos is, do what works for you. If you wanna eat pizza, EAT GODDAMN PIZZA. If your boyfriend is dumb enough to cook chilli and then demand sex, he's a insensitive idiot.
That said, diet, and what you eat DOES make a difference to what's coming out the other end. Fibre is the most important thing. Fibre and water. This can solve a lot of things.
Me, I love kale, which hella fibrous and also super nutritious. You can also get fibre supplements pills pretty cheaply (which I recently started taking and are making a difference, they don't mean i don't need to douche, but they do make douching a lot easier)
It's a thing that applies beyond just sex, but a mixed healthy diet can make a big difference in life. This doesn't mean no pizza. But it does mean pizza might be better as the post-sex reward. Even "healthy" stuff can cause issues if not done in moderation - a lot of grapes whilst tasty will likely give you diarrhea. Learn what upsets your body and plan accordingly but the adjustments should be minor, not major
If you're making major changes to your diet and lifestyle just to have sex with a guy, that guy needs to re-evalute his expectations cause he's a dick (no pun intended).
If you're planning on a long play session (all nighter, sex club, fisting, etc) you might prefer to fast for a period before sex. THAT'S OKAY. A little fasting *can* be beneficial for the body, but make sure you have enough energy to play with, especially if drink/drugs involved
Also bear in mind, if you've been fasting for most of the day, your body will push stuff into your gut a bit faster to help get the nutrients and energy into your system quicker. Don't be afraid to redouche if facilities are available
The article has a 'warning' against douching before sex. I repeat, MILLIONS of men and women out there have been douching for longer than you've been alive. And as far as I'm aware not a single one has died from overdouching.
People recommend against douching in the same way people recommend against eating fast food. Done in moderation, literally no harm is going to come of it. I even tried googling 'death overdouching' for this post and there are 0 results.
And now, a bonus point: the article discusses the 'shame' and 'pressure' bottoms feel to be clean, and this is important so I'm gonna dive into it a little bit.
Firstly, some honest truth.
You will have a messy accident sometime.
You will in fact, have several in your life.
It's unpleasant, and hugely embarrasing and can become associated with some really negative memories. I can't stop that. You can't stop that. I'm sorry.
But it happens to EVERYONE.
I'm an unashamedly experienced bottom and I still worry every time "am I clean?"
TOPS: Do not be an ass about this. In fact, be a fucking angel about it. Don't make a fuss, grab a towel, give it to the bottom first, grab another for you, offer them the bathroom, change the sheets if you need to. DO NOT COMPLAIN.
This is by and large, your fucking fault.
BOTTOMS: Breathe. Take some time. Clean up. And redouche. And if you need to, take a 20 minute break. Things move around a little and you might need to clean out a bit again after that. THIS IS NORMAL. And any top worth his cock will be 100000% fine with this.
Bottoming IS more effort and more planning than topping. No amount of internet advice or diet planning is ever going to solve that. But you can still have fun, both planned and unplanned.
The shame about any kind of mess or the pressure to be a clean bottom is much much bigger than you or than sex. It's a whole problem across society and poor communication with partners that isn't going to be solved any time soon.
You do the best you can, you eat right, you douche when you can, you try and find good partners who understand shit is an occupational hazard and are cool about it. But it happens.
I do not recommend, as some of the guys are doing in that article, changing your entire habits and lifestyle for sex or any guy. Do what suits you. Anyone who "expects" a certain kind of sex, is not worth your time.
The bottom is in charge and sets the tempo all the time. No matter what sub/dom scenarios you're into. If the bottom has a problem or is uncomfortable, EVERYONE has a problem. Be honest with each other, be understanding, don't make a fuss.
So, in summary, and to add from to my golden rules from #Bottoming101
3. Relax and Breathe!
4. Don't worry so much, seriously.
5. Accidents happen, sorry. Be decent about them and move on.
Any questions, my twitter DMs are always open
Oh and in answer to a point someone already made: it's entirely possible both you and your guy are into scat, in which case, all power to you, go ahead, get messy, eat whatever the fuck you like and have fun with it. It's not for me but like hell will I let someone shame you.
Friday, 1 March 2019
What follows is for me, a thing I need to say somewhere, an annual cathartis that's become a form of ritual for me
I love you. I know I always will. I know we both did many good and painful things to each other. I wish I could erase you from my life.
That's not a thing I say lightly. I fundamentally believe you are all the good and part parts of you story. You can't undo one without the other.
But I would have never known you if I could. Even knowing how unrecognisably different a person that would make me.
The friends I wouldn't know, jobs and homes I wouldn't know. How much less capable I'd think myself. I realise what I'd lose.
You entered my life for 3 months last year somehow and I destroyed friendships, I damaged others, I lost any chance I had with either of the guys I had something going with at the time. The small bit of my psyche I'd started to rebuild in the time since I barely kept together. Even now the cracks are still there, threatening to split any second.
I know you're bad for me. I know you destroy everything around you. You found ways to strike at me even after we broke up, from miles away. I also know know I've learnt to project many of my own demons onto you to keep myself alive. I hate everything about you, and yet. I don't, and can't, fall out of love with people. My brain doesn't work like that. Once you get in, you're there, till the last star goes out. I love you and would do whatever you asked, if you simply asked. I hate myself for that.
I miss many other boys right now. I make many mistakes and hurt many of those around me this time of year it seems. But I hate remembering that we fell in love this time each year
One day, I might be lucky enough to be half the man I wanted to be for you, because that man was wanted to do incredible things in the world, believed that he could, and was willing to at least try, even of it might mean failing, or getting hurt.
The man I was when we first met could not even have dreamed of those things.
And it's a far cry from the man you ended up making me today.