So in an ironic twist to the post I made last night, the summary of this morning's one is: Terence is an ass. And worst of all I can't really even hold him to account for it. I have no claim to him, no hold over him, he owes me nothing, we never agreed to anything between each other, and I always knew and admitted that Terence was a bad boy, the kind who would hurt you no matter how forgiving and accepting you were. That just doesn't make it hurt any less when it happens. And it doesn't mean I expected it quite this soon in the complete absence of a relationship that exists between us.
For obvious reasons, Terence and I have had to be fairly careful and restricted with our emotions around each other over the past 2 weeks, especially when staying at Patrick's house on the Cape with everyone else. Our crappy stomachs have meant we've only had sex once and generally there's been relatively little touching of each other in any sexual or romantic way. But I didn't really care. I was happy for the little bits and pieces I was getting; I was happy to be around him; I was happy cause when he did show affection it was done in such well orchestrated way that it left me smiling for 20 minutes afterwards each time.
Tuesday night was stupidly hot, and so Terence dragged the mattress into the ex's room because it had a/c. Awkward, and irritating, as being in bed with T was one of the little bits of time that I did get him properly for, but fine. And this was after the ex had been invited along to the movie theatre with us that night to watch twilight, so I couldn't even sit there and hold his hand in the dark. And Terence isn't a subtle boy either, the plot of the third twilight is basically my life; I am Bella. And the boy knew that wouldn't pass me by, nor would it pass me by that he took me to see it for that reason. Whatever. Not the best time but dealable.
Then last night happened. I have to be up early Friday morning to travel down to DC, so last night was basically my last full night where nothing mattered with Terence. We were watching the final LOTR in his room, getting high and drinking. He was being a lot more affectionate than usual, and I loved that. It was gonna be a great way to say goodbye to someone I'll hurt for for god knows how long before I see him next, for someone that this might have been my first, last and only time to really see him since I initially fell for him.
Then Terence told me his friend was gonna come over. Ug. Idiot boy. So the friend comes over and we continue to smoke and drink, the boy handrolls his own cigar for some reason. And after about 15 minutes Terence and the boy start heavily making out. Gee. Fun. And no, this wasn't an invitation for me to join in either, when the boy was invited over I'd made some flippant comment about "so I can sleep with him him then?", to which T's response was "errr no, you couldn't, i could". That kinda makes that one fairly obvious. And besides which, whilst I know I went off for two hookups the other day whilst T was at work, and whilst I'd have been perfectly fine with T coming back from work late cause he was nailing some boy on his way home, it being right next to me is different, and I'd at least like to have agreed to a potential threeway first if that's the way things were supposed to develop.
So I went to bug the ex, and the guy he had over, who was one of the Cape boys that we'd met, but that could only last so long as that was an obvious hookup, so after a while Terence asked me to go "play downstairs". No, I have no idea why that boy does not have a knife wound in him today either.
And what's really fucked up, is that I know how intelligent Terence is. I know this wasn't him being obtuse and ignorant. I know he'll have intended to piss me off like this. So that I won't have a dream perfect 2 week memory of staying with him. So I'll be forcibly reminded of all the reasons we're not right for each other. So I'll go running back to Chris saying the mean bigger boy hurt me. And he really didn't need to do all that for it. I would have done that myself anyway. Now, I just have fucked up memories of a week where he avoided touching me, and when he got horny, practically screwed a boy right next to me. Frankly, the people who pay me have more respect for me than Terence did last night.
Earlier on Wednesday Terence had been talking to someone and said "I'll miss eddie when he's gone", to which the friend replied "of course you will, he's your friend". T's response was then: "no, i think if he lived here he'd be like my best friend". That's like being stabbed with a knife wrapped in velvet.
I want to hate him, he knows I want to, and that's what he set out to do, but I always knew this was coming, and what annoys the hell out of me is however much I hate him, and hit him, and all that, 3 months from now, I'll still be in love with him, 'cause part of me falling in love with someone means it doesn't matter if they become the next Hitler; I will still love them, even if I don't like them.
Thursday, 8 July 2010
Truths and Untruths
Are Americans more likely to be old school romantic? Or to look for it? A friend who's been spending a lot of time with a guy said if he had the boy's address and money he'd send a single lily to his house for when he got home. That's so sweet it makes me want to vomit. And I wish someone would do that for me. Terence as I've already cited is a big cuddly carebear on the inside. Pilar is looking for the guy who will court her in the old fashion. Patrick and Nate live the practically married life in a woodframe house on Cape Cod. US teen films revolve around people driving across the country on a whim for the person they love, or trying to get laid and falling for someone instead. Maybe the British are too formal and uppity to go in for that kind of cheese nowadays. The stiff upper lip means we can't let ourselves go enough to show how we really feel about people for fear of making a fool of ourselves. And whilst I don't want the stepford life 24/7, coming home to dinner on a candlelit table, or being taken out to see a crappy movie, or being given a rose for no reason still makes a boy smile on the inside.
That said... at least the UK and EU are much more liberal in their attitudes to sex. You know that scene in Love Actually where dumbass Nick goes to America and gets all the girls, i dunno about the straight US world, but its definitely like that for a gay boy in the US. Between the US being a lot more obvious and straightforward with their cruising, and being British meaning I'm a lot more forward in saying what I want beyond that point, I can pretty much get anything here. In the UK we play our games and do our dance before admitting we like each other; in the US they do it after before admittinig just how much they like each other. Same shit, different country.
Anyway, I started this post to write about something that was going to be telling the truth that i wasn't saying to people's faces, like ya know, the whole point of the blog beyond me generally bitching about the state of the world, but then shit happened and I ended up saying it to their faces instead, so now its not so much a half truth, but nonetheless I'll tell you anyway. So Matt (T's ex) had invited himself along to this weekend on the Cape and Terence, being a sucker for a boy who cries, ended up agreeing to take him in the car 'cause he's an idiot. Sunday night, when we were out in Ptown at a beach house that Terence's friend/possible future boy/love interest Bobby was staying at, all hell broke loose between Matt and Terence. Matt had been trying to hook up with this twinky boy Mark all night, which pissed Terence off 'cause he thought it was rude and insensitive to do that in front of him when they're still very much in the post-breakup phase, despite the fact Terence had been telling me all week that he was gonna break Matt's heart by being with Bobby that weekend but whatever. Anyway, Terence got pissed, decided it was time to leave, and Matt had to chase after us; a 2.5 mile walk back ensued with T and Matt arguing over their relationship and me biting my lip not to involve myself. It was a case of I could either walk by them and say nothing, or get involved and really start something. But there were so many times when I wanted to. When Terence said he was nowhere near as bad as Matt during the relationship. When Matt said the rumours he'd cheated were just that and terence was making them up in his head, despite the fact we'd both been there when matt's friend adam had said it was true to the both of us. I thought I was gonna come up when Matt started talking about how many boys Terence had screwed. I dunno if I didn't because Matt is genuinely that oblivious, or out of some sense of propriety that I was there. If he had I probably would have hit him. I came close to many many times, I had a permenant fist in my hand whilst walking. And Terence wouldn't have stopped me. But I was a good boy
A while later Matt tried starting a conversation with me, and I think he was a little shocked when I told him that I would happily hit him if he tried talking about it and getting me on his side. Whilst there is much more than I admitted to with him to it, it holds true for what I did say; Terence is my friend, and thus I will be loyal to him to a fault. I don't care whether he's right, or wrong, or I believe in him or not, I will stand by him; I will hold his hand and pick him up off the ground. I will protect him and fight for him no matter what, against whatever odds, because that's what I do for my friends. And when I'm in love with the boy, my loyalty is pretty much lethal. But as I say, this isn't so secret anymore, because I made it perfectly clear to matt that whilst I will gladly be civil to him, I am not his friend, and unlikely to become so under the circumstances.
That said... at least the UK and EU are much more liberal in their attitudes to sex. You know that scene in Love Actually where dumbass Nick goes to America and gets all the girls, i dunno about the straight US world, but its definitely like that for a gay boy in the US. Between the US being a lot more obvious and straightforward with their cruising, and being British meaning I'm a lot more forward in saying what I want beyond that point, I can pretty much get anything here. In the UK we play our games and do our dance before admitting we like each other; in the US they do it after before admittinig just how much they like each other. Same shit, different country.
Anyway, I started this post to write about something that was going to be telling the truth that i wasn't saying to people's faces, like ya know, the whole point of the blog beyond me generally bitching about the state of the world, but then shit happened and I ended up saying it to their faces instead, so now its not so much a half truth, but nonetheless I'll tell you anyway. So Matt (T's ex) had invited himself along to this weekend on the Cape and Terence, being a sucker for a boy who cries, ended up agreeing to take him in the car 'cause he's an idiot. Sunday night, when we were out in Ptown at a beach house that Terence's friend/possible future boy/love interest Bobby was staying at, all hell broke loose between Matt and Terence. Matt had been trying to hook up with this twinky boy Mark all night, which pissed Terence off 'cause he thought it was rude and insensitive to do that in front of him when they're still very much in the post-breakup phase, despite the fact Terence had been telling me all week that he was gonna break Matt's heart by being with Bobby that weekend but whatever. Anyway, Terence got pissed, decided it was time to leave, and Matt had to chase after us; a 2.5 mile walk back ensued with T and Matt arguing over their relationship and me biting my lip not to involve myself. It was a case of I could either walk by them and say nothing, or get involved and really start something. But there were so many times when I wanted to. When Terence said he was nowhere near as bad as Matt during the relationship. When Matt said the rumours he'd cheated were just that and terence was making them up in his head, despite the fact we'd both been there when matt's friend adam had said it was true to the both of us. I thought I was gonna come up when Matt started talking about how many boys Terence had screwed. I dunno if I didn't because Matt is genuinely that oblivious, or out of some sense of propriety that I was there. If he had I probably would have hit him. I came close to many many times, I had a permenant fist in my hand whilst walking. And Terence wouldn't have stopped me. But I was a good boy
A while later Matt tried starting a conversation with me, and I think he was a little shocked when I told him that I would happily hit him if he tried talking about it and getting me on his side. Whilst there is much more than I admitted to with him to it, it holds true for what I did say; Terence is my friend, and thus I will be loyal to him to a fault. I don't care whether he's right, or wrong, or I believe in him or not, I will stand by him; I will hold his hand and pick him up off the ground. I will protect him and fight for him no matter what, against whatever odds, because that's what I do for my friends. And when I'm in love with the boy, my loyalty is pretty much lethal. But as I say, this isn't so secret anymore, because I made it perfectly clear to matt that whilst I will gladly be civil to him, I am not his friend, and unlikely to become so under the circumstances.
Wednesday, 7 July 2010
Building an A.R.K.
Today has been a day of amazing friends.
Firstly, I'm with Terence, which is automatically awesome.
Secondly, I rang Joel and got to speak to him which is great cause I was missing him; we've been talking on msn and we have the linkyness and shit, but this is probably gonna be the longest we've ever not seen each other for since we properly met.
Thirdly, my friend Ryan, AKA Vampy, did something outstanding for me. I'd spoken to him the other day and he asked how I was doing and I mentioned I was broke as hell. Today, £200 appeared in my account from him. That the boy sent from Australia. Now granted, I'd helped him out when he'd been in the UK and broke and falling apart, but it was still an amazing thing to do from an entire world away.
Fourthly, Topher, a guy I met at the house I was staying at on the Cape last weekend, put me in contact with someone in NYC, who *might* at some point in the random future, be able to point me in the direction of some teching jobs in the city. It's always been part of my big evil world takeover plan to move to the US permenantly (Chris knows this, he just hasn't accepted it yet :P), and even if this just leads to random festival jobs or whatever, its a foot in the door and one step on my way towards getting there. Yes yes, i know if anything serious ever happened there would be big discussions to happen, with Chris first and foremost, as despite all my wants and intentions and plans to move out of the UK that I've had since I can remember, I genuinely doubt I'd ever get Chris on board with them, but a boy can dream whilst he's still just dealing with the possbility of more to come...
Chris and I are somewhat talking again; the boy got a 2.1 he found out today so he can now stop worrying about how shit he did/didn't do in his exams :P But I still have the feeling there's worse conversations to come at some point. Yes yes I bring it on mysellf and all that, but do you know how sucky it is to live with the knowledge that if your relationship doesn't work out, it WILL have been ultimately your fault? If only Chris was on meds or something so at least there was the 0.00001% possibility he'd stop taking them and go psycho on my ass one day I'd feel better, but no, if it should ever fuck up, its down to me, pure and simple. Man that makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside.
I've booked the bus down to DC to visit my friend Sean. I'm currently trying to work out where to spend 2 weeks after that, I'd like to go to CA, Canada is a possibility as I have a shag/friend that will put me up in Toronto, and JetBlue are offering $100 tickets to the Bahamas, which is rather tempting really. We shall see...
Firstly, I'm with Terence, which is automatically awesome.
Secondly, I rang Joel and got to speak to him which is great cause I was missing him; we've been talking on msn and we have the linkyness and shit, but this is probably gonna be the longest we've ever not seen each other for since we properly met.
Thirdly, my friend Ryan, AKA Vampy, did something outstanding for me. I'd spoken to him the other day and he asked how I was doing and I mentioned I was broke as hell. Today, £200 appeared in my account from him. That the boy sent from Australia. Now granted, I'd helped him out when he'd been in the UK and broke and falling apart, but it was still an amazing thing to do from an entire world away.
Fourthly, Topher, a guy I met at the house I was staying at on the Cape last weekend, put me in contact with someone in NYC, who *might* at some point in the random future, be able to point me in the direction of some teching jobs in the city. It's always been part of my big evil world takeover plan to move to the US permenantly (Chris knows this, he just hasn't accepted it yet :P), and even if this just leads to random festival jobs or whatever, its a foot in the door and one step on my way towards getting there. Yes yes, i know if anything serious ever happened there would be big discussions to happen, with Chris first and foremost, as despite all my wants and intentions and plans to move out of the UK that I've had since I can remember, I genuinely doubt I'd ever get Chris on board with them, but a boy can dream whilst he's still just dealing with the possbility of more to come...
Chris and I are somewhat talking again; the boy got a 2.1 he found out today so he can now stop worrying about how shit he did/didn't do in his exams :P But I still have the feeling there's worse conversations to come at some point. Yes yes I bring it on mysellf and all that, but do you know how sucky it is to live with the knowledge that if your relationship doesn't work out, it WILL have been ultimately your fault? If only Chris was on meds or something so at least there was the 0.00001% possibility he'd stop taking them and go psycho on my ass one day I'd feel better, but no, if it should ever fuck up, its down to me, pure and simple. Man that makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside.
I've booked the bus down to DC to visit my friend Sean. I'm currently trying to work out where to spend 2 weeks after that, I'd like to go to CA, Canada is a possibility as I have a shag/friend that will put me up in Toronto, and JetBlue are offering $100 tickets to the Bahamas, which is rather tempting really. We shall see...
Crappy assed vampires
So Twilight is like the suckiest movie series ever. Really. It's like the Young Adult version of a Mills & Boon novel where one of the boys in the love triangle was born with some form of medical defect that gives him sharp pointy teeth and a permanent need for fashion contact lenses.
For those, like me, who previously cared not one iota for this lameass attempt at a novel/film/career concept, the 3rd instalment of it was released this past week. Terence made me watch the first two last week and they were dull as hell. And then as its $6 movie tuesday in the US, we went to see the new one tonight. For some reason the ex was invited along, which meant no getting to enjoy being in a movie theatre with Terence at the least, god dammit. Who in the hell's crappy idea was that?! Also, apparently my spellchecker does not have the word 'movie' in it, huh?!
Eclipse managed to do something I didn't think was possible - it was suckier than the 2 previous ones COMBINED. Seriously. I mean this is supposed to be the big vamps vs. weres film, where things actually happen finally, and everything starts to come together and the boys fight it out over the unattractive prepubescent 'i'm so hardcore' girl's heart and such, and what it actually was, was 2 hours of filler, of back aand forth, and warning glaredowns and awkward shy 'i know that you know that i love that you love that you know that i know that you love that i love you' for a 5 minute fight scene which was pretty much one sided and boring aside from a few bits of head wrenching. There were some entertaining lines of dialogue, mostly the ones that pretty much broke the 4th wall concept. And the bride vampire and dakota fanning 'i am the evil bitch from hell who will hunt you to your death across the 4 corners of the globe and then kill your family in front of you just for shits and giggles' were AMAZING and i want to be them. But that aside, it was COMPLETE BULLSHIT.
Unfortunately, I've now seen 3 twilight films, and there's 4 books. Which means at some point, I am going to have to go see the next film to find out exactly what happens, even though I know it'll be 2.5 hours of my life that I will never get back and can't even trade in for store credit after death. This probably means I will be dragging Chris, by virtue of playing the boyfriend card. Sorry in advance. It's either that, or I'll have to come out to the US again and see Terence to go see the film. And I think we know which is the lesser of the two evils there.
Its stupidly hot here, even LA is like 25F cooler for some reason. As a result Terence has decided to drag the mattress into the ex's room as it has air conditioning. WHAT. THE. FUCK. Can you say awkward/inappropriate/holyfuckingmotherofgodwhatareyouon? Seriously dude, NOT cool.
Anyway, I feel sleepy, so I'm going to curl up in bed whilst Terence plays WoW, and try to make it not look like what it is, let alone more than...
For those, like me, who previously cared not one iota for this lameass attempt at a novel/film/career concept, the 3rd instalment of it was released this past week. Terence made me watch the first two last week and they were dull as hell. And then as its $6 movie tuesday in the US, we went to see the new one tonight. For some reason the ex was invited along, which meant no getting to enjoy being in a movie theatre with Terence at the least, god dammit. Who in the hell's crappy idea was that?! Also, apparently my spellchecker does not have the word 'movie' in it, huh?!
Eclipse managed to do something I didn't think was possible - it was suckier than the 2 previous ones COMBINED. Seriously. I mean this is supposed to be the big vamps vs. weres film, where things actually happen finally, and everything starts to come together and the boys fight it out over the unattractive prepubescent 'i'm so hardcore' girl's heart and such, and what it actually was, was 2 hours of filler, of back aand forth, and warning glaredowns and awkward shy 'i know that you know that i love that you love that you know that i know that you love that i love you' for a 5 minute fight scene which was pretty much one sided and boring aside from a few bits of head wrenching. There were some entertaining lines of dialogue, mostly the ones that pretty much broke the 4th wall concept. And the bride vampire and dakota fanning 'i am the evil bitch from hell who will hunt you to your death across the 4 corners of the globe and then kill your family in front of you just for shits and giggles' were AMAZING and i want to be them. But that aside, it was COMPLETE BULLSHIT.
Unfortunately, I've now seen 3 twilight films, and there's 4 books. Which means at some point, I am going to have to go see the next film to find out exactly what happens, even though I know it'll be 2.5 hours of my life that I will never get back and can't even trade in for store credit after death. This probably means I will be dragging Chris, by virtue of playing the boyfriend card. Sorry in advance. It's either that, or I'll have to come out to the US again and see Terence to go see the film. And I think we know which is the lesser of the two evils there.
Its stupidly hot here, even LA is like 25F cooler for some reason. As a result Terence has decided to drag the mattress into the ex's room as it has air conditioning. WHAT. THE. FUCK. Can you say awkward/inappropriate/holyfuckingmotherofgodwhatareyouon? Seriously dude, NOT cool.
Anyway, I feel sleepy, so I'm going to curl up in bed whilst Terence plays WoW, and try to make it not look like what it is, let alone more than...
Sunday, 4 July 2010
The Sound of North America
Welcome to New England. I've flown 4000 miles and have found myself in Willington, Bedford, and Swansea. 'Cause Americans think Swansea is in England.
I'm currently on Cape Cod staying with friends for 4th July weekend. For those of you living under a rock somewhere this is one of the biggest holiday weekends in the US. The last 24 hours have involved a 5 gallon tub of sex on the beach, 3lbs of bacon, mean girls at 4am and of course fireworks. Including one pyromaniac who decided it would be a brilliant idea to throw a whole rack of firecrackers into a firepit surrounded by people sitting 2ft away from it. I went to get a drink when he grabbed the second pack; it was either that or hit him. In this country when you start a fight you get arrested. People here don't have the british politeness and formality to not involve themselves in a dispute that is nothing to do with them and the one who throws the first or the hardest punches is generally considered the cunt, no matter how much of an arsehole the other one was being. So in order to avoid a premature compulsory return to the UK, I elected to remove myself from the situation. At least all the people I'm with at the moment have learnt quickly that I might be small, but I'm not the one in the room you want to irritate. The big shining 2-tone bruise of Terence's arm from where I bit him whilst just playfighting in a club a week ago might have something to do with that.
We're all off to Provincetown tomorrow for 4th celebrations and the beach. Ptown is basically the gay capital of the north eastern seaboard. To give you an idea of just how idealistic summer vacation spot the cape is, Martha's Vineyard is just down the road. You're never more that 6 miles from the water. There are 500 miles of coastline here. Fire island is between here and New York. And I am basically staying exactly where the fictional town of Capeside, from the epic Dawson's Creek, is supposed to be. It's fucking picture perfect. I'd go crazy if I was here year round of course. But there are worse places to spend a holiday...
I'm getting more soppy. Mostly cause Terence is a complete romantic underneath it all, and keeps telling me stories of things that have happened with his ex. Anniversary scavenger hunts, valentines meals, that sort of stuff. And Terence eats that shit up. And so do I; to a lesser extent, but as I said in the other post, I am definitely a romantic. The little things that I remember that mean so much are so random and inconsquential, but they're my favourite bits of the relationship. That first kiss. Yelling at Chris 'cause I wanted to buy him a chocolate bar and he felt bad about it. The picture on my facebook where he's separated my baked beans from my eggs and bacon using bread crusts cause I don't like the sauce contaminating everything. And it wasn't just that he did that. It's that he didn't roll his eyes, or laugh at me, whether it was an aww you're cute or awww you're hopeless laugh or whatever. He just approached it as a solution to a problem that was upsetting me, did it, and presented it to me with a smile. That's the little thing that made the difference. That made it cute. Just like I love that he'll get out the shower first, and grab me a towel, all whilst letting the least amount of warmth out of the cubicle first, because he knows how cold I get outside of the shower and that I need a towel or I develop near hypothermia. Like Terence managing to find a way to give me a hug and a kiss even when standing in a room of 20 people who can't find out what we mean to each other, just to let me know even though we're just some random friends who met each other for 2 days once as far as the world is concerned, he still cares for me. Little crappy romantic shit that costs virtually nothing really makes me smile.
My stomach is still being crappy, not seriously anymore, it's just giving me cramping pains every evening and night. Terence and I are having so much fun both being crappy medical life fails. His is worse is some ways, mine in others. At least he knows what his problem is, his will just kill him at a relatively early age. I don't think I have that problem at least, but 3 research hospitals couldn't work out what was wrong with me and no diet or course of meds ever had a consistent result. Fun times for all.
My tag is going down a hit though. Everyone's noticed it, and asked about it, and when told, found the concept all of incredibly kinky, incredibly hot, and incredibly adorable. Hehe.
Arguments with the boyfriend are occurring. For all the reasons you'd kind of expect. And I think both of us are sick of it, and both of us have no clue what's going to happen. Because again, referring to my previous post, this kind of state isn't sustainable. But at the same time, it's not like I can stop hurting for 2 other people. As far as I'm concerned, I pretty much know I'm going to fuck it all up. It's just a case of when, how bad, and in which direction(s). It doesn't help that I'm kind of pulling a Joel on this...
I'm currently on Cape Cod staying with friends for 4th July weekend. For those of you living under a rock somewhere this is one of the biggest holiday weekends in the US. The last 24 hours have involved a 5 gallon tub of sex on the beach, 3lbs of bacon, mean girls at 4am and of course fireworks. Including one pyromaniac who decided it would be a brilliant idea to throw a whole rack of firecrackers into a firepit surrounded by people sitting 2ft away from it. I went to get a drink when he grabbed the second pack; it was either that or hit him. In this country when you start a fight you get arrested. People here don't have the british politeness and formality to not involve themselves in a dispute that is nothing to do with them and the one who throws the first or the hardest punches is generally considered the cunt, no matter how much of an arsehole the other one was being. So in order to avoid a premature compulsory return to the UK, I elected to remove myself from the situation. At least all the people I'm with at the moment have learnt quickly that I might be small, but I'm not the one in the room you want to irritate. The big shining 2-tone bruise of Terence's arm from where I bit him whilst just playfighting in a club a week ago might have something to do with that.
We're all off to Provincetown tomorrow for 4th celebrations and the beach. Ptown is basically the gay capital of the north eastern seaboard. To give you an idea of just how idealistic summer vacation spot the cape is, Martha's Vineyard is just down the road. You're never more that 6 miles from the water. There are 500 miles of coastline here. Fire island is between here and New York. And I am basically staying exactly where the fictional town of Capeside, from the epic Dawson's Creek, is supposed to be. It's fucking picture perfect. I'd go crazy if I was here year round of course. But there are worse places to spend a holiday...
I'm getting more soppy. Mostly cause Terence is a complete romantic underneath it all, and keeps telling me stories of things that have happened with his ex. Anniversary scavenger hunts, valentines meals, that sort of stuff. And Terence eats that shit up. And so do I; to a lesser extent, but as I said in the other post, I am definitely a romantic. The little things that I remember that mean so much are so random and inconsquential, but they're my favourite bits of the relationship. That first kiss. Yelling at Chris 'cause I wanted to buy him a chocolate bar and he felt bad about it. The picture on my facebook where he's separated my baked beans from my eggs and bacon using bread crusts cause I don't like the sauce contaminating everything. And it wasn't just that he did that. It's that he didn't roll his eyes, or laugh at me, whether it was an aww you're cute or awww you're hopeless laugh or whatever. He just approached it as a solution to a problem that was upsetting me, did it, and presented it to me with a smile. That's the little thing that made the difference. That made it cute. Just like I love that he'll get out the shower first, and grab me a towel, all whilst letting the least amount of warmth out of the cubicle first, because he knows how cold I get outside of the shower and that I need a towel or I develop near hypothermia. Like Terence managing to find a way to give me a hug and a kiss even when standing in a room of 20 people who can't find out what we mean to each other, just to let me know even though we're just some random friends who met each other for 2 days once as far as the world is concerned, he still cares for me. Little crappy romantic shit that costs virtually nothing really makes me smile.
My stomach is still being crappy, not seriously anymore, it's just giving me cramping pains every evening and night. Terence and I are having so much fun both being crappy medical life fails. His is worse is some ways, mine in others. At least he knows what his problem is, his will just kill him at a relatively early age. I don't think I have that problem at least, but 3 research hospitals couldn't work out what was wrong with me and no diet or course of meds ever had a consistent result. Fun times for all.
My tag is going down a hit though. Everyone's noticed it, and asked about it, and when told, found the concept all of incredibly kinky, incredibly hot, and incredibly adorable. Hehe.
Arguments with the boyfriend are occurring. For all the reasons you'd kind of expect. And I think both of us are sick of it, and both of us have no clue what's going to happen. Because again, referring to my previous post, this kind of state isn't sustainable. But at the same time, it's not like I can stop hurting for 2 other people. As far as I'm concerned, I pretty much know I'm going to fuck it all up. It's just a case of when, how bad, and in which direction(s). It doesn't help that I'm kind of pulling a Joel on this...
Love is not a victory march
Is it getting better
Or do you feel the same
Will it make it easier on you now
You got someone to blame
You say...
One love
One life
When it's one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don't care for it
Did I disappoint you
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it's...
Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One...
Have you come here for forgiveness
Have you come to raise the dead
Have you come here to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head
Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it's all I got
We're one
But we're not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say
Love is a temple
Love is a higher law
Love is a temple
Love is a higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt
One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers
One life
But we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One...life
One
Or do you feel the same
Will it make it easier on you now
You got someone to blame
You say...
One love
One life
When it's one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don't care for it
Did I disappoint you
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it's...
Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One...
Have you come here for forgiveness
Have you come to raise the dead
Have you come here to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head
Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it's all I got
We're one
But we're not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say
Love is a temple
Love is a higher law
Love is a temple
Love is a higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt
One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers
One life
But we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One...life
One
U2 - One
Thursday, 1 July 2010
Where's a good hole in the ground when you need one?!
I'm annoyed and frustrated and depressed. I feel ill again. Not as ill as I did the other day, the cramping hasn't started yet, but I have everything else but that. Fuck you world. This probably means I'll be ill throughout 4th July weekend in Cape Cod with my friends. This means I'll spend 10 days with Terence, who has as big a sex drive and as twisted a mind as me, and have sex a whole 1 time. F. M. L.
I'm sure Chris has a slight sense of rightness with the universe and smugness at all this. And he probably deserves it. But right now, all I wanna do is come home, cut everything out of my life again, vanish from the world, and exist totally alone with nothing around me. I've gotta start being more of a pessimist again. Life was easier when I stopped hoping once in a while that things were improving and getting better, only to be knocked rather forcefully back down into place, and not in the way I'd enjoy either.
And now the dull pain in my stomach has extended to being a dull pain in my chest as well. If I'm lucky it's a heart attack.
Terence looks hot whilst he's sleeping though :) I just wish I was well enough to wake him up ;)
I'm sure Chris has a slight sense of rightness with the universe and smugness at all this. And he probably deserves it. But right now, all I wanna do is come home, cut everything out of my life again, vanish from the world, and exist totally alone with nothing around me. I've gotta start being more of a pessimist again. Life was easier when I stopped hoping once in a while that things were improving and getting better, only to be knocked rather forcefully back down into place, and not in the way I'd enjoy either.
And now the dull pain in my stomach has extended to being a dull pain in my chest as well. If I'm lucky it's a heart attack.
Terence looks hot whilst he's sleeping though :) I just wish I was well enough to wake him up ;)
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