You should ALL get that reference. If you don't, go get a musical education before proceeding.
The city was in heat today. The kind that happens after weeks of an unbroken heatwave. When life only goes on because it has to. The sky wanted to rain. The already overwhelming humidity jumps up several logarithms and the entire city goes on edge. Like the moment before a climax. Everyone is waiting for it, wants it, craves it, needs it. The release will give them the energy to face it all over again. People come outside onto the streets; heads look upwards; mouths open. They're all asking for the same thing. Everyone peaks, you can feel the need of the people, their anticipation, everything that's built up ready to be unleashed carefree and wanton, in the way that only nature and god can provide; the ecstasy of grief, the clarity of hatred and all that. You can't recreate this, and not on so large a scale, it has to come from the natural rhythms of life.
And then it didn't rain. The disappointment, the tension, the silent cry of frustration in everyone's throat, face, eyes, their entire bodies, all angry at the denial of what was promised. At the need to wait again, the torturous suffering that they must continue to endure until such time as the world decides "enough". Pure passion at its finest. It was beautifully tragic. I loved it.
Currently in Newark Airport, waiting for my flight to Toronto, and then my connection to LHR. Trying not to have panic attacks every 5 minutes over what's gonna happen when I get home. Too much shit going on. Head too screwed up. Life's gonna change one way or the other; I just don't know which way yet. And if anyone in London has/knows of someone with a spare room/couch space they don't mind giving me for a week or two, so i can sort out my life, earn some money by selling my ass, and thus aafford the deposit on a new place, that'd be stellar. Cheers dudes.
Peace out.
Saturday, 10 July 2010
Endgame
So erm, the last few days, what to say really. Terence is still an ass. And he's also the sweetest boy I've ever met in many ways. He came home late, with some friend, and cooked for all of us again, whilst I was watching Elizabethtown 'cause its a shitty movie that I don't have to pay attention to. Though with hindsight the 'substitute people' conversation in it, was not the best one to be hearing at the time.(see here for a comment on such things)
Now of course, I couldn't yell at him like I wanted to, so instead i acted pissed and ended up sitting next to him both quiet on laptops talking on facebook, and I yelled at him that way. The boy is as smart as I say he is. He knew what was going on. And more importantly he knew exactly why I was pissed: because I shouldn't be, because I'm not allowed to be. And as he pointed out, we've hated each other since we met. We fell for each other cursing each other like hell, in the true meaning of curse, not just swearing loudly, we called down every damnation, punishment, slur, insult and general bad wishes against each other that we could when we realised we loved each other. So its kind of in our nature, to be pissed at each other, to hate each other, to hate what we make each other feel and wish that the other had never become a part of our lives. And at the same time, we love all of those things too.
He made good though, we made each other feel crappy as hell, but we both made good in the end. I kinda wish I wasn't leaving; I'd be leaving Terence anyway, but I'd still be in the US. But at the same time, I wish i was already home. I don't like being in the state of transit at times like this, I just want to be one way or the other. Part of me thinks changing my tickets was a bad idea, part of me knows coming in the first place was a bad idea.
My heart keeps thumping against my chest. You know to the extent where you can feel it? And it was doing so the day before, but that was out of pain and hurt. Last night it was a happy hurt. And now its the hurt of loss, grief almost. I spent the entire train journey between Providence and Boston crying. And you all should know by now that I really don't cry easily. It was so bad even Joel noticed from 4000 miles away and sent me a text asking what the hell was going on with me. I think part of it is the aries boy in me, that loves the new, the thrill of the chase, and that's something I get doing this, and it means it hurts all the more. But I would rather suffer one week of hell, and know that I lived for just a brief moment, than be left with a dull absent ache for a lifetime.
This is why I'm probably not good for anyone else, or for relationships; I'm always looking for that new thrill, I'd do it with anyone, it just happens to be that Chris is on the recieving end by random circumstance of the universe. And that really isn't fair to him. But at the same time I'm never going to stop. Stalemate?
Sometimes I meet people in the world that are like me in certain aspects, and it shocks me, because these are aspects of me that seem almost foolish or from a bygone era, and I don't expect it in others because no-one else does it. And then I meet people like Joel, who are as loyal a friend as I am, to a complete fault, and to their likely eventual downfall. Or Terence, who was upset i was leaving because he was planning to surprise me by visiting me on the cape in August. No-one does that for me, I'm not used to it; I'm the one who chases people across oceans and continents, apparently there's someone else in the world who does too. I just ran away before he got the chance to :P But its sweet, really really sweet. And he knows it'ld work on me, cause he can read people. That's why he's so smart. He works with disabled kids, he has his own psych issues, he deals with psych issues in others. He knows why people do and want the things they want.
And as a result, he was sensible, and was strong and restrained for the last 2 weeks, which I hate, but will probably appreciate in the long run. As he said, its crazy to want to move 4000 miles for someone that whilst you love, you barely know, but if he asked, I probably would, cause that's the moment when reason and logic don't matter any more. Of course, then Chris would ask me to move back and I'd do that in a heartbeat too.
So I had 2 hours to kill in Boston earlier. Lugging round a 30lb rucksack with me at the same time was not so much fun, but I really liked it. Terence had taken me round Boston when he'd picked me up 2 weeks ago, so I at least had a vague concept of the city. The hour and 20 minutes i took (after accounting for time to pick up the tickets and queue for a good seat on the bus) left me with enough time to go visit Downtown Crossing, 'cause its automatically in my head any time I end up in Boston, hence the previous blog post. I saw the old city hall, the state hall, and walked down through Boston Common before swinging back via Chinatown towards South Station. Boston really is a beautiful city. I had the same feeling I had walking round San Francisco or Rome for the first time properly; I could live here, this could be 'home'. Nowhere is really home for me. Even London, as unique and special as it is in the world, I love because its the only place I can love in the UK, I have nothing else, but I always wanted to move to the US anyway, just now I have a choice of East Coast or West Coast. I just need to convince Chris on Boston too. At least it has good public transit and downtown is small enough to walk around comfortably (when not carrying a fair proportion of your body weight in addition).
Now of course, I couldn't yell at him like I wanted to, so instead i acted pissed and ended up sitting next to him both quiet on laptops talking on facebook, and I yelled at him that way. The boy is as smart as I say he is. He knew what was going on. And more importantly he knew exactly why I was pissed: because I shouldn't be, because I'm not allowed to be. And as he pointed out, we've hated each other since we met. We fell for each other cursing each other like hell, in the true meaning of curse, not just swearing loudly, we called down every damnation, punishment, slur, insult and general bad wishes against each other that we could when we realised we loved each other. So its kind of in our nature, to be pissed at each other, to hate each other, to hate what we make each other feel and wish that the other had never become a part of our lives. And at the same time, we love all of those things too.
He made good though, we made each other feel crappy as hell, but we both made good in the end. I kinda wish I wasn't leaving; I'd be leaving Terence anyway, but I'd still be in the US. But at the same time, I wish i was already home. I don't like being in the state of transit at times like this, I just want to be one way or the other. Part of me thinks changing my tickets was a bad idea, part of me knows coming in the first place was a bad idea.
My heart keeps thumping against my chest. You know to the extent where you can feel it? And it was doing so the day before, but that was out of pain and hurt. Last night it was a happy hurt. And now its the hurt of loss, grief almost. I spent the entire train journey between Providence and Boston crying. And you all should know by now that I really don't cry easily. It was so bad even Joel noticed from 4000 miles away and sent me a text asking what the hell was going on with me. I think part of it is the aries boy in me, that loves the new, the thrill of the chase, and that's something I get doing this, and it means it hurts all the more. But I would rather suffer one week of hell, and know that I lived for just a brief moment, than be left with a dull absent ache for a lifetime.
This is why I'm probably not good for anyone else, or for relationships; I'm always looking for that new thrill, I'd do it with anyone, it just happens to be that Chris is on the recieving end by random circumstance of the universe. And that really isn't fair to him. But at the same time I'm never going to stop. Stalemate?
Sometimes I meet people in the world that are like me in certain aspects, and it shocks me, because these are aspects of me that seem almost foolish or from a bygone era, and I don't expect it in others because no-one else does it. And then I meet people like Joel, who are as loyal a friend as I am, to a complete fault, and to their likely eventual downfall. Or Terence, who was upset i was leaving because he was planning to surprise me by visiting me on the cape in August. No-one does that for me, I'm not used to it; I'm the one who chases people across oceans and continents, apparently there's someone else in the world who does too. I just ran away before he got the chance to :P But its sweet, really really sweet. And he knows it'ld work on me, cause he can read people. That's why he's so smart. He works with disabled kids, he has his own psych issues, he deals with psych issues in others. He knows why people do and want the things they want.
And as a result, he was sensible, and was strong and restrained for the last 2 weeks, which I hate, but will probably appreciate in the long run. As he said, its crazy to want to move 4000 miles for someone that whilst you love, you barely know, but if he asked, I probably would, cause that's the moment when reason and logic don't matter any more. Of course, then Chris would ask me to move back and I'd do that in a heartbeat too.
So I had 2 hours to kill in Boston earlier. Lugging round a 30lb rucksack with me at the same time was not so much fun, but I really liked it. Terence had taken me round Boston when he'd picked me up 2 weeks ago, so I at least had a vague concept of the city. The hour and 20 minutes i took (after accounting for time to pick up the tickets and queue for a good seat on the bus) left me with enough time to go visit Downtown Crossing, 'cause its automatically in my head any time I end up in Boston, hence the previous blog post. I saw the old city hall, the state hall, and walked down through Boston Common before swinging back via Chinatown towards South Station. Boston really is a beautiful city. I had the same feeling I had walking round San Francisco or Rome for the first time properly; I could live here, this could be 'home'. Nowhere is really home for me. Even London, as unique and special as it is in the world, I love because its the only place I can love in the UK, I have nothing else, but I always wanted to move to the US anyway, just now I have a choice of East Coast or West Coast. I just need to convince Chris on Boston too. At least it has good public transit and downtown is small enough to walk around comfortably (when not carrying a fair proportion of your body weight in addition).
Friday, 9 July 2010
I know where I've been...
So there I was, innocently wandering around Downtown Crossing whilst listening to Boston, and then I paid proper attention to the lyrics. Yeah... On reflection, this was not the best song to be listening to today...
all the cities in the world
and so very little time and
so many different girls...
all you have to do is find them
there's a wealth of opportunity you plan your trips accordingly
a pity but the pretty ones are usually more touristy
say how'd you like to run away from these machines?
everywhere the spies are printing out your dreams
seven stops in seven different countries
seven page itineraries memories thick as bloody marys jesus jospeh bloody hell
right now were here in boston
in love with downtown crossing
new york will still be there in the morning
come back to bed my darling
four years thrown away on vows we never kept
forty-five minutes every day religiously devoted to regret
time we could have spent on medication thrown away on education
and we planned to take a trip to scotland but we never made it
how'd you like to run away from these machines?
i had julians and steves
you had julias and jeanette s
you wear your terror on your sleeve for all the men i haven't met (yet)
i had oliver in potsdam you had elanor in amsterdam
we're keeping track so carefully we've missed the state we're in completely
honestly your foot is out the door and i've got scores of offers elsewhere and keep both
feet planted firmly in the air
and tomorrow you can totally erase me from your mind but trust me everything is fine
because
right now we're here in boston
in my apartment in the south end
forget your friends in london
come back to bed my darling
you can put the details in a letter
the more embarrassing the better
right now i can be happy if i choose to
i know that in the morning i will lose you....
and maybe you'll go mad
and maybe ill go gray
and pack up to berlin
or maybe it wont matter anyway
we'll find out that your mom was right and you'll admit you're really gay
and maybe ill wake up
in a city far away
or maybe we'll make up
and buy a house and have a couple kids and labrador and microwave
but anyway
right now we're here in boston
in eden where you almost pulled your pants down
don't worry who these jokes will all be lost on
come back to bed my darling
there is nothing in the world that we can count on
even that we will wake up is an assumption
but i know for a fact that i loved someone
and for about a year he lived in boston...
The Dresden Dolls - Boston
Don't you just hate it when someone has written down your life exactly in musical form years before you lived it?
Mood: Feeling very much like Holly Golightly recently; I don't want to belong to anyone, and I want no-one to belong to me.
Thursday, 8 July 2010
The wrong place at the wrong time
I'm in a self destructive mood, so try to take this with a pinch of salt, but its the way I feel at the moment, so I'm blogging it.
I love Chris.
I love Jack.
I love Terence.
With Jack, nothing between us would ever work, we would be the star crossed pair, and our lives would wind back and forth missing each other and colliding with catastrophic force alternately. It wouldn't be good for anybody. We both know this and accept this. There is a part of us that loves each other, that complete each other, that thousands of years after we're dead will still be connected to each other, regardless of the existence of any afterlife or not. But for now, we are not the people for each other, we're in the wrong places, in the wrong times, like River Song and the Doctor. What we feel for each other is like an echo of what we're supposed to feel, what we did, or will one day. For lack of a better way of putting it, our souls recognise each other, they recognise the perfect fit with each other, even though we're not meant to be together right at this point in time. So we accept it, and we move on, and once in a while, we admit there is/was the possibility of something greater.
When Terence was talking about me being a best friend last night I looked at him oddly, not just cause it hurt, but because Terence and I would make one hell of an odd couple being best friends; wierder than me and Jme, or me and Joel, or whatever. But he did have some method to his madness. As he pointed out, we'd get each other into constant trouble, but we'd get each other into different kinds of trouble than we wouldn't otherwise find on our own. And to complement that, we'd probably be the only other person willing enough to along with each other's crazy schemes. Yeah it would work, in its ownn little bizzare way. But there are feelings beyond just really close best friends who fuck each other as well. But we both fully agree that once again, we're in the wrong places at the wrong time. We live 4000 miles away, we know totally different kinds of people, we don't have the chance, and never would do, to discover anything about any form of 'us'. Where Jack is in the wrong time, Terence is in the wrong life. In some alternative universe, or reincarnation of ourselves, we'd be together, but this one isn't it. The wrong people in the wrong places at the wrong time.
And every once in a while, I have similar thoughts about Chris. I had them when I was emo and we were falling apart several months ago, and I had them when I started this trip. Again, it doesn't mean I don't love Chris, it's just that we're completely different people, we're not the kind each other would go for, and we don't enjoy a lot of the same things. We don't react the same. And I don't mean to everyday life; it'd be boring if they reacted the same, and part of the thing Chris and I like about each other is that we often have conflicting viewpoints. But we don't react emotionally consistently, and we don't operate on the same emotional basis, where Jack and Terence and I do, and that means we often fuck things up in making/keeping the other one upset with us. Importantly, we don't have the same priorities. I think we want very different things out of life, and whilst there's always some compromise in any relationship, I think the things we want, and where we see ourselves at and going to, and where we intend to be 30 years down the line, are too different at times. At the end of the day I'm a commitmentphobe, so I'm always gonna have thoughts like this from time to time, and moving in with Chris, as nice in some ways as it will be, does make this kind of sentiment far far worse, but I'm sure this thought as a whole creeps into my head about Chris far too much for someone who's supposed to be the owned fiance of the guy. But then we both admit that we're both shit scared of breaking it up, so do we just stay together for the non-existent kids when it should have died long ago? Or do I over analyse and get scared and want to break it up and end up blogging about it thereby making the problem worse cause Chris gets upset and paranoid?
These are the kind of reasons I wish I was emotionally dead inside.
I love Chris.
I love Jack.
I love Terence.
With Jack, nothing between us would ever work, we would be the star crossed pair, and our lives would wind back and forth missing each other and colliding with catastrophic force alternately. It wouldn't be good for anybody. We both know this and accept this. There is a part of us that loves each other, that complete each other, that thousands of years after we're dead will still be connected to each other, regardless of the existence of any afterlife or not. But for now, we are not the people for each other, we're in the wrong places, in the wrong times, like River Song and the Doctor. What we feel for each other is like an echo of what we're supposed to feel, what we did, or will one day. For lack of a better way of putting it, our souls recognise each other, they recognise the perfect fit with each other, even though we're not meant to be together right at this point in time. So we accept it, and we move on, and once in a while, we admit there is/was the possibility of something greater.
When Terence was talking about me being a best friend last night I looked at him oddly, not just cause it hurt, but because Terence and I would make one hell of an odd couple being best friends; wierder than me and Jme, or me and Joel, or whatever. But he did have some method to his madness. As he pointed out, we'd get each other into constant trouble, but we'd get each other into different kinds of trouble than we wouldn't otherwise find on our own. And to complement that, we'd probably be the only other person willing enough to along with each other's crazy schemes. Yeah it would work, in its ownn little bizzare way. But there are feelings beyond just really close best friends who fuck each other as well. But we both fully agree that once again, we're in the wrong places at the wrong time. We live 4000 miles away, we know totally different kinds of people, we don't have the chance, and never would do, to discover anything about any form of 'us'. Where Jack is in the wrong time, Terence is in the wrong life. In some alternative universe, or reincarnation of ourselves, we'd be together, but this one isn't it. The wrong people in the wrong places at the wrong time.
And every once in a while, I have similar thoughts about Chris. I had them when I was emo and we were falling apart several months ago, and I had them when I started this trip. Again, it doesn't mean I don't love Chris, it's just that we're completely different people, we're not the kind each other would go for, and we don't enjoy a lot of the same things. We don't react the same. And I don't mean to everyday life; it'd be boring if they reacted the same, and part of the thing Chris and I like about each other is that we often have conflicting viewpoints. But we don't react emotionally consistently, and we don't operate on the same emotional basis, where Jack and Terence and I do, and that means we often fuck things up in making/keeping the other one upset with us. Importantly, we don't have the same priorities. I think we want very different things out of life, and whilst there's always some compromise in any relationship, I think the things we want, and where we see ourselves at and going to, and where we intend to be 30 years down the line, are too different at times. At the end of the day I'm a commitmentphobe, so I'm always gonna have thoughts like this from time to time, and moving in with Chris, as nice in some ways as it will be, does make this kind of sentiment far far worse, but I'm sure this thought as a whole creeps into my head about Chris far too much for someone who's supposed to be the owned fiance of the guy. But then we both admit that we're both shit scared of breaking it up, so do we just stay together for the non-existent kids when it should have died long ago? Or do I over analyse and get scared and want to break it up and end up blogging about it thereby making the problem worse cause Chris gets upset and paranoid?
These are the kind of reasons I wish I was emotionally dead inside.
Well at least Chris will like this one.
So in an ironic twist to the post I made last night, the summary of this morning's one is: Terence is an ass. And worst of all I can't really even hold him to account for it. I have no claim to him, no hold over him, he owes me nothing, we never agreed to anything between each other, and I always knew and admitted that Terence was a bad boy, the kind who would hurt you no matter how forgiving and accepting you were. That just doesn't make it hurt any less when it happens. And it doesn't mean I expected it quite this soon in the complete absence of a relationship that exists between us.
For obvious reasons, Terence and I have had to be fairly careful and restricted with our emotions around each other over the past 2 weeks, especially when staying at Patrick's house on the Cape with everyone else. Our crappy stomachs have meant we've only had sex once and generally there's been relatively little touching of each other in any sexual or romantic way. But I didn't really care. I was happy for the little bits and pieces I was getting; I was happy to be around him; I was happy cause when he did show affection it was done in such well orchestrated way that it left me smiling for 20 minutes afterwards each time.
Tuesday night was stupidly hot, and so Terence dragged the mattress into the ex's room because it had a/c. Awkward, and irritating, as being in bed with T was one of the little bits of time that I did get him properly for, but fine. And this was after the ex had been invited along to the movie theatre with us that night to watch twilight, so I couldn't even sit there and hold his hand in the dark. And Terence isn't a subtle boy either, the plot of the third twilight is basically my life; I am Bella. And the boy knew that wouldn't pass me by, nor would it pass me by that he took me to see it for that reason. Whatever. Not the best time but dealable.
Then last night happened. I have to be up early Friday morning to travel down to DC, so last night was basically my last full night where nothing mattered with Terence. We were watching the final LOTR in his room, getting high and drinking. He was being a lot more affectionate than usual, and I loved that. It was gonna be a great way to say goodbye to someone I'll hurt for for god knows how long before I see him next, for someone that this might have been my first, last and only time to really see him since I initially fell for him.
Then Terence told me his friend was gonna come over. Ug. Idiot boy. So the friend comes over and we continue to smoke and drink, the boy handrolls his own cigar for some reason. And after about 15 minutes Terence and the boy start heavily making out. Gee. Fun. And no, this wasn't an invitation for me to join in either, when the boy was invited over I'd made some flippant comment about "so I can sleep with him him then?", to which T's response was "errr no, you couldn't, i could". That kinda makes that one fairly obvious. And besides which, whilst I know I went off for two hookups the other day whilst T was at work, and whilst I'd have been perfectly fine with T coming back from work late cause he was nailing some boy on his way home, it being right next to me is different, and I'd at least like to have agreed to a potential threeway first if that's the way things were supposed to develop.
So I went to bug the ex, and the guy he had over, who was one of the Cape boys that we'd met, but that could only last so long as that was an obvious hookup, so after a while Terence asked me to go "play downstairs". No, I have no idea why that boy does not have a knife wound in him today either.
And what's really fucked up, is that I know how intelligent Terence is. I know this wasn't him being obtuse and ignorant. I know he'll have intended to piss me off like this. So that I won't have a dream perfect 2 week memory of staying with him. So I'll be forcibly reminded of all the reasons we're not right for each other. So I'll go running back to Chris saying the mean bigger boy hurt me. And he really didn't need to do all that for it. I would have done that myself anyway. Now, I just have fucked up memories of a week where he avoided touching me, and when he got horny, practically screwed a boy right next to me. Frankly, the people who pay me have more respect for me than Terence did last night.
Earlier on Wednesday Terence had been talking to someone and said "I'll miss eddie when he's gone", to which the friend replied "of course you will, he's your friend". T's response was then: "no, i think if he lived here he'd be like my best friend". That's like being stabbed with a knife wrapped in velvet.
I want to hate him, he knows I want to, and that's what he set out to do, but I always knew this was coming, and what annoys the hell out of me is however much I hate him, and hit him, and all that, 3 months from now, I'll still be in love with him, 'cause part of me falling in love with someone means it doesn't matter if they become the next Hitler; I will still love them, even if I don't like them.
For obvious reasons, Terence and I have had to be fairly careful and restricted with our emotions around each other over the past 2 weeks, especially when staying at Patrick's house on the Cape with everyone else. Our crappy stomachs have meant we've only had sex once and generally there's been relatively little touching of each other in any sexual or romantic way. But I didn't really care. I was happy for the little bits and pieces I was getting; I was happy to be around him; I was happy cause when he did show affection it was done in such well orchestrated way that it left me smiling for 20 minutes afterwards each time.
Tuesday night was stupidly hot, and so Terence dragged the mattress into the ex's room because it had a/c. Awkward, and irritating, as being in bed with T was one of the little bits of time that I did get him properly for, but fine. And this was after the ex had been invited along to the movie theatre with us that night to watch twilight, so I couldn't even sit there and hold his hand in the dark. And Terence isn't a subtle boy either, the plot of the third twilight is basically my life; I am Bella. And the boy knew that wouldn't pass me by, nor would it pass me by that he took me to see it for that reason. Whatever. Not the best time but dealable.
Then last night happened. I have to be up early Friday morning to travel down to DC, so last night was basically my last full night where nothing mattered with Terence. We were watching the final LOTR in his room, getting high and drinking. He was being a lot more affectionate than usual, and I loved that. It was gonna be a great way to say goodbye to someone I'll hurt for for god knows how long before I see him next, for someone that this might have been my first, last and only time to really see him since I initially fell for him.
Then Terence told me his friend was gonna come over. Ug. Idiot boy. So the friend comes over and we continue to smoke and drink, the boy handrolls his own cigar for some reason. And after about 15 minutes Terence and the boy start heavily making out. Gee. Fun. And no, this wasn't an invitation for me to join in either, when the boy was invited over I'd made some flippant comment about "so I can sleep with him him then?", to which T's response was "errr no, you couldn't, i could". That kinda makes that one fairly obvious. And besides which, whilst I know I went off for two hookups the other day whilst T was at work, and whilst I'd have been perfectly fine with T coming back from work late cause he was nailing some boy on his way home, it being right next to me is different, and I'd at least like to have agreed to a potential threeway first if that's the way things were supposed to develop.
So I went to bug the ex, and the guy he had over, who was one of the Cape boys that we'd met, but that could only last so long as that was an obvious hookup, so after a while Terence asked me to go "play downstairs". No, I have no idea why that boy does not have a knife wound in him today either.
And what's really fucked up, is that I know how intelligent Terence is. I know this wasn't him being obtuse and ignorant. I know he'll have intended to piss me off like this. So that I won't have a dream perfect 2 week memory of staying with him. So I'll be forcibly reminded of all the reasons we're not right for each other. So I'll go running back to Chris saying the mean bigger boy hurt me. And he really didn't need to do all that for it. I would have done that myself anyway. Now, I just have fucked up memories of a week where he avoided touching me, and when he got horny, practically screwed a boy right next to me. Frankly, the people who pay me have more respect for me than Terence did last night.
Earlier on Wednesday Terence had been talking to someone and said "I'll miss eddie when he's gone", to which the friend replied "of course you will, he's your friend". T's response was then: "no, i think if he lived here he'd be like my best friend". That's like being stabbed with a knife wrapped in velvet.
I want to hate him, he knows I want to, and that's what he set out to do, but I always knew this was coming, and what annoys the hell out of me is however much I hate him, and hit him, and all that, 3 months from now, I'll still be in love with him, 'cause part of me falling in love with someone means it doesn't matter if they become the next Hitler; I will still love them, even if I don't like them.
Truths and Untruths
Are Americans more likely to be old school romantic? Or to look for it? A friend who's been spending a lot of time with a guy said if he had the boy's address and money he'd send a single lily to his house for when he got home. That's so sweet it makes me want to vomit. And I wish someone would do that for me. Terence as I've already cited is a big cuddly carebear on the inside. Pilar is looking for the guy who will court her in the old fashion. Patrick and Nate live the practically married life in a woodframe house on Cape Cod. US teen films revolve around people driving across the country on a whim for the person they love, or trying to get laid and falling for someone instead. Maybe the British are too formal and uppity to go in for that kind of cheese nowadays. The stiff upper lip means we can't let ourselves go enough to show how we really feel about people for fear of making a fool of ourselves. And whilst I don't want the stepford life 24/7, coming home to dinner on a candlelit table, or being taken out to see a crappy movie, or being given a rose for no reason still makes a boy smile on the inside.
That said... at least the UK and EU are much more liberal in their attitudes to sex. You know that scene in Love Actually where dumbass Nick goes to America and gets all the girls, i dunno about the straight US world, but its definitely like that for a gay boy in the US. Between the US being a lot more obvious and straightforward with their cruising, and being British meaning I'm a lot more forward in saying what I want beyond that point, I can pretty much get anything here. In the UK we play our games and do our dance before admitting we like each other; in the US they do it after before admittinig just how much they like each other. Same shit, different country.
Anyway, I started this post to write about something that was going to be telling the truth that i wasn't saying to people's faces, like ya know, the whole point of the blog beyond me generally bitching about the state of the world, but then shit happened and I ended up saying it to their faces instead, so now its not so much a half truth, but nonetheless I'll tell you anyway. So Matt (T's ex) had invited himself along to this weekend on the Cape and Terence, being a sucker for a boy who cries, ended up agreeing to take him in the car 'cause he's an idiot. Sunday night, when we were out in Ptown at a beach house that Terence's friend/possible future boy/love interest Bobby was staying at, all hell broke loose between Matt and Terence. Matt had been trying to hook up with this twinky boy Mark all night, which pissed Terence off 'cause he thought it was rude and insensitive to do that in front of him when they're still very much in the post-breakup phase, despite the fact Terence had been telling me all week that he was gonna break Matt's heart by being with Bobby that weekend but whatever. Anyway, Terence got pissed, decided it was time to leave, and Matt had to chase after us; a 2.5 mile walk back ensued with T and Matt arguing over their relationship and me biting my lip not to involve myself. It was a case of I could either walk by them and say nothing, or get involved and really start something. But there were so many times when I wanted to. When Terence said he was nowhere near as bad as Matt during the relationship. When Matt said the rumours he'd cheated were just that and terence was making them up in his head, despite the fact we'd both been there when matt's friend adam had said it was true to the both of us. I thought I was gonna come up when Matt started talking about how many boys Terence had screwed. I dunno if I didn't because Matt is genuinely that oblivious, or out of some sense of propriety that I was there. If he had I probably would have hit him. I came close to many many times, I had a permenant fist in my hand whilst walking. And Terence wouldn't have stopped me. But I was a good boy
A while later Matt tried starting a conversation with me, and I think he was a little shocked when I told him that I would happily hit him if he tried talking about it and getting me on his side. Whilst there is much more than I admitted to with him to it, it holds true for what I did say; Terence is my friend, and thus I will be loyal to him to a fault. I don't care whether he's right, or wrong, or I believe in him or not, I will stand by him; I will hold his hand and pick him up off the ground. I will protect him and fight for him no matter what, against whatever odds, because that's what I do for my friends. And when I'm in love with the boy, my loyalty is pretty much lethal. But as I say, this isn't so secret anymore, because I made it perfectly clear to matt that whilst I will gladly be civil to him, I am not his friend, and unlikely to become so under the circumstances.
That said... at least the UK and EU are much more liberal in their attitudes to sex. You know that scene in Love Actually where dumbass Nick goes to America and gets all the girls, i dunno about the straight US world, but its definitely like that for a gay boy in the US. Between the US being a lot more obvious and straightforward with their cruising, and being British meaning I'm a lot more forward in saying what I want beyond that point, I can pretty much get anything here. In the UK we play our games and do our dance before admitting we like each other; in the US they do it after before admittinig just how much they like each other. Same shit, different country.
Anyway, I started this post to write about something that was going to be telling the truth that i wasn't saying to people's faces, like ya know, the whole point of the blog beyond me generally bitching about the state of the world, but then shit happened and I ended up saying it to their faces instead, so now its not so much a half truth, but nonetheless I'll tell you anyway. So Matt (T's ex) had invited himself along to this weekend on the Cape and Terence, being a sucker for a boy who cries, ended up agreeing to take him in the car 'cause he's an idiot. Sunday night, when we were out in Ptown at a beach house that Terence's friend/possible future boy/love interest Bobby was staying at, all hell broke loose between Matt and Terence. Matt had been trying to hook up with this twinky boy Mark all night, which pissed Terence off 'cause he thought it was rude and insensitive to do that in front of him when they're still very much in the post-breakup phase, despite the fact Terence had been telling me all week that he was gonna break Matt's heart by being with Bobby that weekend but whatever. Anyway, Terence got pissed, decided it was time to leave, and Matt had to chase after us; a 2.5 mile walk back ensued with T and Matt arguing over their relationship and me biting my lip not to involve myself. It was a case of I could either walk by them and say nothing, or get involved and really start something. But there were so many times when I wanted to. When Terence said he was nowhere near as bad as Matt during the relationship. When Matt said the rumours he'd cheated were just that and terence was making them up in his head, despite the fact we'd both been there when matt's friend adam had said it was true to the both of us. I thought I was gonna come up when Matt started talking about how many boys Terence had screwed. I dunno if I didn't because Matt is genuinely that oblivious, or out of some sense of propriety that I was there. If he had I probably would have hit him. I came close to many many times, I had a permenant fist in my hand whilst walking. And Terence wouldn't have stopped me. But I was a good boy
A while later Matt tried starting a conversation with me, and I think he was a little shocked when I told him that I would happily hit him if he tried talking about it and getting me on his side. Whilst there is much more than I admitted to with him to it, it holds true for what I did say; Terence is my friend, and thus I will be loyal to him to a fault. I don't care whether he's right, or wrong, or I believe in him or not, I will stand by him; I will hold his hand and pick him up off the ground. I will protect him and fight for him no matter what, against whatever odds, because that's what I do for my friends. And when I'm in love with the boy, my loyalty is pretty much lethal. But as I say, this isn't so secret anymore, because I made it perfectly clear to matt that whilst I will gladly be civil to him, I am not his friend, and unlikely to become so under the circumstances.
Wednesday, 7 July 2010
Building an A.R.K.
Today has been a day of amazing friends.
Firstly, I'm with Terence, which is automatically awesome.
Secondly, I rang Joel and got to speak to him which is great cause I was missing him; we've been talking on msn and we have the linkyness and shit, but this is probably gonna be the longest we've ever not seen each other for since we properly met.
Thirdly, my friend Ryan, AKA Vampy, did something outstanding for me. I'd spoken to him the other day and he asked how I was doing and I mentioned I was broke as hell. Today, £200 appeared in my account from him. That the boy sent from Australia. Now granted, I'd helped him out when he'd been in the UK and broke and falling apart, but it was still an amazing thing to do from an entire world away.
Fourthly, Topher, a guy I met at the house I was staying at on the Cape last weekend, put me in contact with someone in NYC, who *might* at some point in the random future, be able to point me in the direction of some teching jobs in the city. It's always been part of my big evil world takeover plan to move to the US permenantly (Chris knows this, he just hasn't accepted it yet :P), and even if this just leads to random festival jobs or whatever, its a foot in the door and one step on my way towards getting there. Yes yes, i know if anything serious ever happened there would be big discussions to happen, with Chris first and foremost, as despite all my wants and intentions and plans to move out of the UK that I've had since I can remember, I genuinely doubt I'd ever get Chris on board with them, but a boy can dream whilst he's still just dealing with the possbility of more to come...
Chris and I are somewhat talking again; the boy got a 2.1 he found out today so he can now stop worrying about how shit he did/didn't do in his exams :P But I still have the feeling there's worse conversations to come at some point. Yes yes I bring it on mysellf and all that, but do you know how sucky it is to live with the knowledge that if your relationship doesn't work out, it WILL have been ultimately your fault? If only Chris was on meds or something so at least there was the 0.00001% possibility he'd stop taking them and go psycho on my ass one day I'd feel better, but no, if it should ever fuck up, its down to me, pure and simple. Man that makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside.
I've booked the bus down to DC to visit my friend Sean. I'm currently trying to work out where to spend 2 weeks after that, I'd like to go to CA, Canada is a possibility as I have a shag/friend that will put me up in Toronto, and JetBlue are offering $100 tickets to the Bahamas, which is rather tempting really. We shall see...
Firstly, I'm with Terence, which is automatically awesome.
Secondly, I rang Joel and got to speak to him which is great cause I was missing him; we've been talking on msn and we have the linkyness and shit, but this is probably gonna be the longest we've ever not seen each other for since we properly met.
Thirdly, my friend Ryan, AKA Vampy, did something outstanding for me. I'd spoken to him the other day and he asked how I was doing and I mentioned I was broke as hell. Today, £200 appeared in my account from him. That the boy sent from Australia. Now granted, I'd helped him out when he'd been in the UK and broke and falling apart, but it was still an amazing thing to do from an entire world away.
Fourthly, Topher, a guy I met at the house I was staying at on the Cape last weekend, put me in contact with someone in NYC, who *might* at some point in the random future, be able to point me in the direction of some teching jobs in the city. It's always been part of my big evil world takeover plan to move to the US permenantly (Chris knows this, he just hasn't accepted it yet :P), and even if this just leads to random festival jobs or whatever, its a foot in the door and one step on my way towards getting there. Yes yes, i know if anything serious ever happened there would be big discussions to happen, with Chris first and foremost, as despite all my wants and intentions and plans to move out of the UK that I've had since I can remember, I genuinely doubt I'd ever get Chris on board with them, but a boy can dream whilst he's still just dealing with the possbility of more to come...
Chris and I are somewhat talking again; the boy got a 2.1 he found out today so he can now stop worrying about how shit he did/didn't do in his exams :P But I still have the feeling there's worse conversations to come at some point. Yes yes I bring it on mysellf and all that, but do you know how sucky it is to live with the knowledge that if your relationship doesn't work out, it WILL have been ultimately your fault? If only Chris was on meds or something so at least there was the 0.00001% possibility he'd stop taking them and go psycho on my ass one day I'd feel better, but no, if it should ever fuck up, its down to me, pure and simple. Man that makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside.
I've booked the bus down to DC to visit my friend Sean. I'm currently trying to work out where to spend 2 weeks after that, I'd like to go to CA, Canada is a possibility as I have a shag/friend that will put me up in Toronto, and JetBlue are offering $100 tickets to the Bahamas, which is rather tempting really. We shall see...
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