Endgame

So erm, the last few days, what to say really.  Terence is still an ass.  And he's also the sweetest boy I've ever met in many ways.  He came home late, with some friend, and cooked for all of us again, whilst I was watching Elizabethtown 'cause its a shitty movie that I don't have to pay attention to.  Though with hindsight the 'substitute people' conversation in it, was not the best one to be hearing at the time.(see here for a comment on such things)

Now of course, I couldn't yell at him like I wanted to, so instead i acted pissed and ended up sitting next to him both quiet on laptops talking on facebook, and I yelled at him that way.  The boy is as smart as I say he is.  He knew what was going on.  And more importantly he knew exactly why I was pissed: because I shouldn't be, because I'm not allowed to be.  And as he pointed out, we've hated each other since we met.  We fell for each other cursing each other like hell, in the true meaning of curse, not just swearing loudly, we called down every damnation, punishment, slur, insult and general bad wishes against each other that we could when we realised we loved each other.  So its kind of in our nature, to be pissed at each other, to hate each other, to hate what we make each other feel and wish that the other had never become a part of our lives.  And at the same time, we love all of those things too.

He made good though, we made each other feel crappy as hell, but we both made good in the end.  I kinda wish I wasn't leaving; I'd be leaving Terence anyway, but I'd still be in the US.  But at the same time, I wish i was already home.  I don't like being in the state of transit at times like this, I just want to be one way or the other.  Part of me thinks changing my tickets was a bad idea, part of me knows coming in the first place was a bad idea.

My heart keeps thumping against my chest.  You know to the extent where you can feel it?  And it was doing so the day before, but that was out of pain and hurt.  Last night it was a happy hurt.  And now its the hurt of loss, grief almost.  I spent the entire train journey between Providence and Boston crying.  And you all should know by now that I really don't cry easily.  It was so bad even Joel noticed from 4000 miles away and sent me a text asking what the hell was going on with me.  I think part of it is the aries boy in me, that loves the new, the thrill of the chase, and that's something I get doing this, and it means it hurts all the more.  But I would rather suffer one week of hell, and know that I lived for just a brief moment, than be left with a dull absent ache for a lifetime.

This is why I'm probably not good for anyone else, or for relationships; I'm always looking for that new thrill, I'd do it with anyone, it just happens to be that Chris is on the recieving end by random circumstance of the universe.  And that really isn't fair to him.  But at the same time I'm never going to stop.  Stalemate?

Sometimes I meet people in the world that are like me in certain aspects, and it shocks me, because these are aspects of me that seem almost foolish or from a bygone era, and I don't expect it in others because no-one else does it.  And then I meet people like Joel, who are as loyal a friend as I am, to a complete fault, and to their likely eventual downfall.  Or Terence, who was upset i was leaving because he was planning to surprise me by visiting me on the cape in August.  No-one does that for me, I'm not used to it; I'm the one who chases people across oceans and continents, apparently there's someone else in the world who does too.  I just ran away before he got the chance to :P  But its sweet, really really sweet.  And he knows it'ld work on me, cause he can read people.  That's why he's so smart.  He works with disabled kids, he has his own psych issues, he deals with psych issues in others.  He knows why people do and want the things they want.

And as a result, he was sensible, and was strong and restrained for the last 2 weeks, which I hate, but will probably appreciate in the long run.  As he said, its crazy to want to move 4000 miles for someone that whilst you love, you barely know, but if he asked, I probably would, cause that's the moment when reason and logic don't matter any more.  Of course, then Chris would ask me to move back and I'd do that in a heartbeat too.


So I had 2 hours to kill in Boston earlier.  Lugging round a 30lb rucksack with me at the same time was not so much  fun, but I really liked it.  Terence had taken me round Boston when he'd picked me up 2 weeks ago, so I at least had a vague concept of the city.  The hour and 20 minutes i took (after accounting for time to pick up the tickets and queue for a good seat on the bus) left me with enough time to go visit Downtown Crossing, 'cause its automatically in my head any time I end up in Boston, hence the previous blog post.  I saw the old city hall, the state hall, and walked down through Boston Common before swinging back via Chinatown towards South Station.  Boston really is a beautiful city.  I had the same feeling I had walking round San Francisco or Rome for the first time properly; I could live here, this could be 'home'.  Nowhere is really home for me.  Even London, as unique and special as it is in the world, I love because its the only place I can love in the UK, I have nothing else, but I always wanted to move to the US anyway, just now I have a choice of East Coast or West Coast.  I just need to convince Chris on Boston too.  At least it has good public transit and downtown is small enough to walk around comfortably (when not carrying a fair proportion of your body weight in addition).