It's Wasn't Tuesday This Time

Today I miss you.

Today I miss our talks, and our fights, our secret unseen messages to each other, the ways we'd show we cared when others couldn't see, how we absolutely hated each other and knew it every moment of every day.

I miss your safety.  The breath I'd release being held in your arms again that first night.  A smile I've yet to get back since.  The knowledge that as long as we lay there it didn't matter how bad it all was, what my head said or yours, we'd lie there, awake, sleeping, crying, breathing.

The second night, pulling you in close to me.  Watching guard over your shoulder that nothing would threaten you.  The purpose and surety that I could.  Whatever it was, I could.  I could summon any strength in those moments, when you had none.

I miss dreading that fight.  Knowing it would happen every single time.  Knowing it was to come.  Knowing it was stupid, and pointless, and that it was everything we both knew was true.

I miss being so scared I could never say goodbye.  Or you couldn't.  One of us was always statuesque.  Rigid, unmoving.  Unable to return that finale embrace.  I miss the hurt, and release of a 12h long journey home spent crying the entire way.  So badly the automated cameras couldn't validate my ID.

Today I miss you.  Tomorrow you'll be the guy I'm moving on from.  But tonight I want you here.

List

1. At least once per week, visit a place you keep meaning to get round to visiting.
2. Find time for a sit down breakfast, even if it's cereal, once per week
3. New blog, on tube advertising and related items (dedicated to my friend CJ, whom I had many discussions about this phenomenon with, and the particular lack of it in Boston) - this one requires me getting the funds together for a camera, so may not start right now.
4. I forget what this one was, there definitely was something here, and something worthwhile at that, so for now I'll just keep it as a placeholder.
5. Chainsword.

Small unnoticed things

Cards on the mantlepiece

Shut the fuck up you're amazing

So this was obviously a private conversation, but I've decided to share some parts of it, because it's the first time I think I've ever managed to properly put into words that do due justice to the truly platonic love I have for #Blondie

In worrying about him, and giving him more that he was giving me (cause he's hiding from his own demons in fairness) I failed you: by being too angry to wait for you; by being so angry it overrode my near constant impulse to look out for you in whatever way I can.  You are one of the few people I can save, and sometimes I need to for my own sanity, and I failed you on that this weekend.

Sometimes I hold myself to an unnecessarily and unfairly high standard, it's silly I know.  But you are one of the people I can consistently meet it for ... I know your safety isn't my responsibility, and it's not something I can ever guarantee, but it is something I can do, that I can't do for a lot of people, for a lot of people I wish I could ... never doubt that I will strive to do better by both of us next time.

In some very rare moments, I manage to articulate exactly what my feelings are, without losing anything along the way.  This was one of them.

Pedestals

I have learnt from repeated, harsh, crushing, bruising experience, to trust my instincts.  Even when they seem counter-intuitive.  I will regret it otherwise.

The analogous lesson has so far not been applied to how I assess the needs of friends.

For all of the praises my friends have about my character, I have an above average habit for letting them down.

But more to the point, I have the habit of letting down ones I didn't expect to, which are always the worst possible ones to have let down in any situation. 

I'm trying; the first step is admitting there's a problem, but it's still something I seem to get very wrong a lot of the time.

Dicks fuck assholes too

Today I watched one of my best friends be an asshole.

That shouldn't have been a surprise; it's certainly nothing new in terms of how we interact with each other.  He was an asshole to people he cares about.

Even that's not the problem.  The problem is his choice of actions (due disclaimer: I should note my actions have not been admirable at various points this weekend) is one that reveals that he was calculated, to a mercenary extent.  He knew what he was doing, he knew how it would come across to others, he knew what the consequences of it would be.  And he still chose to do it.

It's not a drunken mistake or heat of the moment idiocy, it's calculated, to inflict exactly the damage that it does, knowing full well every step needed to achieve that.

The biggest problem was that I then realised I like my friend because he's an asshole.  Which is exactly why I like(d) my ex.  Which is exactly why me and another best friend of mine get on.

As another friend commented: like attracts like.

I knew from the moment my friend made step 1 of his choices exactly what it would lead to, and the repercussions, because it's the same reaction I would have to that situation and so I instantly knew every reason why it was made.

No surprises, but me and the people I hold as role models aren't exactly shining paragons of... well... anything.

Statistics

In the 9 or so months we've been playing, I think I've cum with #superaggressivefb maybe 5 times.  He does better, but it's maybe 15?

We've played a whole lot more than that.

Good sex doesn't have to mean orgasm.  Or anything even attempting to get there.  Good sex is silly and fun and you get lost in the moment and its just about the fact you both enjoy whatever's going on and get turned on by it.
Orgasms are great.  But not seeing them as the end goal is important I think.  Kinksters are often better at this I think because so much of what they/we do is 'foreplay'

Good sex people, go get some.