LGR!

Fair warning announcement:

Tomorrow is the first National Women's Hockey League draft day in the US

I am hugely excited for the NWHL starting this year.  I firmly believe there should be more representation of women in professional sports.  I believe women's sporting leagues should recieve equal billing to men's leagues, especially at top level. 

Every 5 year old boy in the UK KNOWS he can be a footballer (soccer) if he wants, no questions asked.   5 year old girls deserve to know they can be hockey players, footballers, rugby players, scientists, car mechanics or boardroom executives.  Every 5 year old boy should know he can grow up to be a princess and have a fairy tale wedding if he wants.

These women train hard, potentially harder than their male peers have to.  They are just as skilled and dedicated.  I can't wait to see them play.

I freely confess, I don't know much about women's hockey.  I don't know who the players to watch are, who the upcoming talent is, what rivalries I should love to hate.  Even in the internet age coverage of women's sports is usually just not that accessible or broadly available.  That is a failing in the sporting world.  The NWHL is a great step towards trying to fix that

As a New York Rangers fan, I will be supporting the New York Riveters when the 2015-16 season starts in October, but I am so unbelievably excited for the entire NWHL as a whole.  My passion and enthusiasm is for hockey.  Not men's hockey.  Hockey, pure and simple.   I intend on bringing that same passion I have for the Rangers to anything that gives me an excuse to watch even more top level hockey next season.

Let's Go Riveters!

(For more information on the NWHL go to nwhl.co)

And on and on...

I have to make it through I tell myself.  I have to get through this.  By why?  Why do I tell myself that?

Because it's what's expected.  Because it'd look bad otherwise.

You have to deal with it.  Just till then.  After that, you can collapse for a bit, let a little bit out, before you have to make it through again.

Don't run.  Don't hide.  Don't look for a way out.  Where would you even go.  Where could you go.  Where could you actually go and not need to come back.  So don't run.  You can't.  There's no point.  You just have to get on with it.  Stick it out.  You can't leave. Even if you tried, you know you can't.

Giving up.  Stopping.  Failing.  That's pathetic.  So keep going.  Get on with it.  Do it. Until you can break just a little bit.  And then get on with it all over again.

Living for the weekend

My old roommate came to stay.  We have a joke that we're not boyfriends.  I don't have any kind of romantic love for him.  He's not a soulmate.  But he's... a part of me?  ...a kindred spirit?
I realised how much I missed him.  How much I need him.  How much the little, quiet things he does became critical parts of my coping mechanisms.  He's so emotionally astute he acts before you even knew you needed him to. 

I remembered just how much of my support network I catastrophically lost within a matter of weeks.  How much everything fell apart at the same time.
I realized how I haven't managed to rebuild anything even resembling one facet of that structure.

I'm living for my escapes right now - a weekend off away from the world; the pain of getting beat up for sexual gratification; an afternoon where a fake world on a boardgame is the only version of reality; the heavy, struggling-to-breathe ache of a little too much hard liquor to 'celebrate' another week I've got through; a hockey game that feels as if I have an identity aside from the ones I absorb from other people.

I smile, I laugh, I experience the incomprehensible love my friends have for me. 
There are momentary brief incandescent flashes of blinding life.
But I still can't find a reason to fight, a reason to live for, something to strive towards. 

No one can say a word and give me that, I don't expect them too, it's not some misunderstanding that there's nothing good for me.  Bright burning moments just become anomalous data points in a generally declining lifeline. 

I still think about suicide daily.  I'm still trying to work out a plan that will succeed, that's viable, that's accessible.  Still just going through the motions until then for lack of anything else to do.  To keep occupied.  
If not I'd sit there, passively depressed.

I don't want to be passively depressed, I actively want to not be here constantly doing everything that is living. 

Even sleep.  Sleep is easier than most admittedly, but it's still something you do, and I'm seemingly more aware of my sleeping than most people, I notice the time pass while I sleep, and its something that takes effort, exertion, time, commitment, concentration.  Its less demanding, and importantly usually less taxing, than being awake, but it is still living.
And I am tired of living.

Platonic feelings

To the boy who sat there slowly stroking my hair for an hour and a half without saying a word, because he could tell my head was giving me severe issues, I could not love you more than I did in that moment.  You almost made me cry as I realized how much you silently do for me, and how much I need you.

Lie to me

Go away.  Just... Stop.  Just like that.  It'd be nice wouldn't it.

Certain words in uncertain times

I know it's hard to tell how mixed up you feel, hoping what you need is behind every door; each time you get hurt I don't want you to change, because everyone has hopes, you're human after all.
The feeling sometime wishing you were someone else, feeling as though you never belong: this feeling is not sadness, this feeling is not joy, I truly understand. Please, don't cry now.

Please don't go, I want you to stay.
I'm begging you please, please don't leave here.
I don't want you to hate; for all the hurt that you feel,
The world is just illusion, trying to change you

Being like you are, well this is something else.
Who would comprehend?
But some that do lay claim divine purpose blesses them.
That's not what I believe, and it doesn't matter anyway.
A part of your soul ties you to the next world, or maybe to the last, but I'm still not sure.
But what I do know, is to us the world is different - as we are to the world, but I guess you would know that.

The world is just illusion...

Invitation

I'm just putting this out there, any crazed psycho murders wanna turn up in my bedroom overnight, I'm game.  For real.

Just saying...