Here's a brief education on Terence (who's coming over in March), from the man himself....
http://itwasatuesdayblog.blogspot.com/2012/02/its-all-about-me.html
That should answer a lot of questions.
Showing posts with label Douching. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Douching. Show all posts
Friday, 17 February 2012
Saturday, 14 January 2012
Bottoming 101: The Follow Up
EDIT: This is a follow up to my original post Bottoming 101
A further follow up was posted many years later: Bottoming 201: The Douchening
---
Okay here we go: Bottoming 101 - The Follow Up Post
Apologies this took so long to get out, about 2 days after I wrote my first post all kinds of hell broke loose not only in my own life, but in those of a lot of my friends, and so personal issues are soaking up a lot of my time. Hopefully some of you return to the blog and see this post.
Thanks:
So erm, WOW, is kind of all I have to say. In a week my post got over THIRTY THOUSAND (it looks more impressive when you write big numbers out in words I feel) views. 15,000 of those were in the first 48 hours. My blog got reposted all over the internet, by friends, by randomers, by people working in the sex industry, by porn studios, by all sorts of random people who all saw it and came to my rambling insignificant blog for this one post. I never imagined anything like this would ever happen so THANK YOU, all of you.
Special thanks go to TwisTurtle on twitter for initially reposting on reddit (which is responsible for over 12,000 hits across various sources; giftedmaster, jbttm4u, Josh, and probably a few I've missed out for their corrections, edits, proof reading, and additional comments; and an exceptional thanks goes to Dewitt and the ManhuntDaily blog, who posted an entry devoted to my post. Getting something manhuntdaily worthy is pretty much a crowning achievement in my books as it's one of the best lgbt blogs around as far as I'm concerned, and went beyond my wildest dreams for the post, giving it over 5000 hits from MHD alone and greatly increasing the exposure of the post which then got reposted on a million other different sites.
Thank you to all of you who posted comments, good and bad, I never proclaimed this to be a perfect post, but I'm so immensely grateful that you not only took the time to read everything, but also respond to it. I have seen so many comments from different sites that have posted it, I have got messages and emails and all sorts of things from people and that's been amazing and kind of mind-blowing.
A Commentary on the Commentary:
And now.... whilst I probably should know better than to pay attention to things I read on the internet, here are some responses to the myriad things people have said to me about the post...
Name of the post:
There are many many things I could have called this post and someone would have probably taken exception to it regardless. I chose this title as it was nice and simple and relatively understandable.
Definition of a 'bottom':
Yes I had to assume some level of ground knowledge, i don't have time to define every single noun in my posts, I'm sorry. For this I meant 'receptive partner during anal sex'. Also, that makes no commentary on what postion you might be in, any form of subordination assumed by being the receptive partner, what your household annual income is or any other such nonsense. Those are separate things which I leave you to work out for yourself. Yes I chose to dicuss one particular definition of a word. That's how life works 99% of the time.
Length of post:
Yes, it's long. In fact I'm pretty sure I emphasize this quite clearly in the first 7 words of the post. If you can't be arsed to read long posts, that's your issue i don't need a message telling me it's too long. I wrote it in one go so I posted it in one go. If I split it into separate posts it'd still be just as long you know, be grateful I bothered to split it into separate headings you ungrateful swine! Tell you what, print out a copy, leave it by your bed, and read a single heading each night. There we go, all better now? To be honest, the amount of things I didn't cover I could write an entire hardback book on this subject, but I doubt those people are the kind who read books, so it'd be lost on you still.
Gay/Straight bias:
Yes it was predominately written for gay men. However, most of the post is applicable to anyone engaging in anal sex, regardless of of gender, gender identity, active/passive role, or sexuality. There might be a few changes in your particular circumstance, but the theory is largely the same.
Formatting:
No the screen width probably isn't formatted properly. Copy, Paste into a text viewer of your choice, Format to your liking. Quit whining like a little bitch before someone shuts you up by shoving a cock in your mouth.
Casual sex versus committed relationships:
Again, the theory applies here regardless really. I am a self confessed slutty bottom boy. I have a lot of sex. Not as much as I'd like, but still... That means I've done this enough to be able to write 7000 words on it. But the advice still applies to first timers or couples who have been together 20 years but have a few questions. Not all of it may be relevant, but some of it probably is.
Condoms:
I said I did not want to lecture on this, I told you to all go be responsible sensible adults and make your own choices, but apparently a large contingent of you feel the need to berate me for my largely scant mention of anything condom related. You know what? IT DOESN'T MATTER. The things I write about apply whether you use condoms or not, hence why I didn't mention them throughout. If you would like the lecture, here it is: Don't have sex, because you will get pregnant, and die.
Clinicality:
Some of you said I wasn't clinical enough - i tried to make this post understandable to a wide audience. Those who really want to know the exact names for muscles can refer to their doctor, wikipedia, or the nearest med student. If you want more information, it is out there if you bother to look for it. Some of you said I was too clinical - apologies, I tried to give some of the reasons behind why certain things happen, in an attempt to help people understand their bodies better, and how to get the desired reaction out of them. That does I'm afraid, necessitate some occasional writing about some relatively superficial medical knowledge. You could skip those bits, but then you probably wouldn't get as much out of this post.
Douching clarifications:
A large proportion of the comments were in relation to the douching sections. Apologies if I hadn't made these points clear in my initial post but... you may not need to douche, you may never have problems, you may not care about the odd bit of shit; some of us aren't so blessed. What you eat can indeed help; if you have a good healthy diet, the body does 99% of the work itself, but again, not all of us are so blessed. Yes, douching CAN take a long time, you'll find what works for you and that might only take 10 minutes, but it can take a lot longer depending on what you're doing, how deep you wanna clean out, and what's inside you. My timescales were there to give a rough guide, and so people know that deep cleaning is usually more than a 15 minutes before you go out the door jo. And finally, I in no way give the impression you should be deep cleaning 3 times a week. Not at all. I get questions from people asking how much they can douche before it's a problem however. If you're in Berlin during Folsom Europe, the 3 times a week guideline is probably useful, otherwise I'll assume you're probably not getting sex so often as to need that, or if you are, you probably knew most of the stuff in this guide anyway.
Pain:
Bottoming does not have to hurt I wrote, and as many of you have commented, it never should, and if it does you should stop. I also wrote words to that effect. As one wise soul did note however, we all make mistakes, at some point, during any kind of sex or just life in general, you have all hurt yourself through either trying and doing something wrong, making a stupid mistake when you know better, or just plain unfortuante circumstance. If you are new to bottoming, you probably will hurt yourself at some point, just like you did when you first tried to climb a tree. Some lucky buggers climb it first time and never fall or get so much as a scratch; they never have done and never will do. The rest of us are reassured by everyone else having done the same idiotic thing, put a plaster on it, and try again another time.
Relevance to you:
In case I didn't make it obvious enough, this is not the be all and end all post, it is not perfect, and it may not be useful for you in the slightest. You all need to go find what works for you, this is a good starting point, but just as with the rest of sex, what works for one person doesn't for another. If you don't like any of this, if you don't agree with it, DON'T DO IT. Move on with your life, and leave me in peace to get fucked.
Positives:
Time for happier things after that long tirade I feel.
Thank you to all those who have spoken to me about trying the advice in my post. I'm even happier for those who found it worked for them! Some of you are friends who have said to me in person, some of you are randomers I've never met who took the time to send me a message. I wanted to share something and improve people's lives, and I have done. So thank you for telling me that I did.
To all those who have posted further information, you are amazing and are saving me a lot of time and effort. Some of your input I've included in the post, some of it I've left in the comments. Either way thank you. N.B. I make no comment on the veracity of the imformation posted by others, please do your own research, I've already written a small thesis on the subject.
For a start on more information, please see my friend's post here
As I said before, everyone who sent me comments, messages, etc, good and bad, the fact you took time to respond is much appreciated and hopefully let me clarify a lot of things.
Finally to the trans person who commented. AMAZING. And so glad it helped!
A further follow up was posted many years later: Bottoming 201: The Douchening
---
Okay here we go: Bottoming 101 - The Follow Up Post
Apologies this took so long to get out, about 2 days after I wrote my first post all kinds of hell broke loose not only in my own life, but in those of a lot of my friends, and so personal issues are soaking up a lot of my time. Hopefully some of you return to the blog and see this post.
Thanks:
So erm, WOW, is kind of all I have to say. In a week my post got over THIRTY THOUSAND (it looks more impressive when you write big numbers out in words I feel) views. 15,000 of those were in the first 48 hours. My blog got reposted all over the internet, by friends, by randomers, by people working in the sex industry, by porn studios, by all sorts of random people who all saw it and came to my rambling insignificant blog for this one post. I never imagined anything like this would ever happen so THANK YOU, all of you.
Special thanks go to TwisTurtle on twitter for initially reposting on reddit (which is responsible for over 12,000 hits across various sources; giftedmaster, jbttm4u, Josh, and probably a few I've missed out for their corrections, edits, proof reading, and additional comments; and an exceptional thanks goes to Dewitt and the ManhuntDaily blog, who posted an entry devoted to my post. Getting something manhuntdaily worthy is pretty much a crowning achievement in my books as it's one of the best lgbt blogs around as far as I'm concerned, and went beyond my wildest dreams for the post, giving it over 5000 hits from MHD alone and greatly increasing the exposure of the post which then got reposted on a million other different sites.
Thank you to all of you who posted comments, good and bad, I never proclaimed this to be a perfect post, but I'm so immensely grateful that you not only took the time to read everything, but also respond to it. I have seen so many comments from different sites that have posted it, I have got messages and emails and all sorts of things from people and that's been amazing and kind of mind-blowing.
A Commentary on the Commentary:
And now.... whilst I probably should know better than to pay attention to things I read on the internet, here are some responses to the myriad things people have said to me about the post...
Name of the post:
There are many many things I could have called this post and someone would have probably taken exception to it regardless. I chose this title as it was nice and simple and relatively understandable.
Definition of a 'bottom':
Yes I had to assume some level of ground knowledge, i don't have time to define every single noun in my posts, I'm sorry. For this I meant 'receptive partner during anal sex'. Also, that makes no commentary on what postion you might be in, any form of subordination assumed by being the receptive partner, what your household annual income is or any other such nonsense. Those are separate things which I leave you to work out for yourself. Yes I chose to dicuss one particular definition of a word. That's how life works 99% of the time.
Length of post:
Yes, it's long. In fact I'm pretty sure I emphasize this quite clearly in the first 7 words of the post. If you can't be arsed to read long posts, that's your issue i don't need a message telling me it's too long. I wrote it in one go so I posted it in one go. If I split it into separate posts it'd still be just as long you know, be grateful I bothered to split it into separate headings you ungrateful swine! Tell you what, print out a copy, leave it by your bed, and read a single heading each night. There we go, all better now? To be honest, the amount of things I didn't cover I could write an entire hardback book on this subject, but I doubt those people are the kind who read books, so it'd be lost on you still.
Gay/Straight bias:
Yes it was predominately written for gay men. However, most of the post is applicable to anyone engaging in anal sex, regardless of of gender, gender identity, active/passive role, or sexuality. There might be a few changes in your particular circumstance, but the theory is largely the same.
Formatting:
No the screen width probably isn't formatted properly. Copy, Paste into a text viewer of your choice, Format to your liking. Quit whining like a little bitch before someone shuts you up by shoving a cock in your mouth.
Casual sex versus committed relationships:
Again, the theory applies here regardless really. I am a self confessed slutty bottom boy. I have a lot of sex. Not as much as I'd like, but still... That means I've done this enough to be able to write 7000 words on it. But the advice still applies to first timers or couples who have been together 20 years but have a few questions. Not all of it may be relevant, but some of it probably is.
Condoms:
I said I did not want to lecture on this, I told you to all go be responsible sensible adults and make your own choices, but apparently a large contingent of you feel the need to berate me for my largely scant mention of anything condom related. You know what? IT DOESN'T MATTER. The things I write about apply whether you use condoms or not, hence why I didn't mention them throughout. If you would like the lecture, here it is: Don't have sex, because you will get pregnant, and die.
Clinicality:
Some of you said I wasn't clinical enough - i tried to make this post understandable to a wide audience. Those who really want to know the exact names for muscles can refer to their doctor, wikipedia, or the nearest med student. If you want more information, it is out there if you bother to look for it. Some of you said I was too clinical - apologies, I tried to give some of the reasons behind why certain things happen, in an attempt to help people understand their bodies better, and how to get the desired reaction out of them. That does I'm afraid, necessitate some occasional writing about some relatively superficial medical knowledge. You could skip those bits, but then you probably wouldn't get as much out of this post.
Douching clarifications:
A large proportion of the comments were in relation to the douching sections. Apologies if I hadn't made these points clear in my initial post but... you may not need to douche, you may never have problems, you may not care about the odd bit of shit; some of us aren't so blessed. What you eat can indeed help; if you have a good healthy diet, the body does 99% of the work itself, but again, not all of us are so blessed. Yes, douching CAN take a long time, you'll find what works for you and that might only take 10 minutes, but it can take a lot longer depending on what you're doing, how deep you wanna clean out, and what's inside you. My timescales were there to give a rough guide, and so people know that deep cleaning is usually more than a 15 minutes before you go out the door jo. And finally, I in no way give the impression you should be deep cleaning 3 times a week. Not at all. I get questions from people asking how much they can douche before it's a problem however. If you're in Berlin during Folsom Europe, the 3 times a week guideline is probably useful, otherwise I'll assume you're probably not getting sex so often as to need that, or if you are, you probably knew most of the stuff in this guide anyway.
Pain:
Bottoming does not have to hurt I wrote, and as many of you have commented, it never should, and if it does you should stop. I also wrote words to that effect. As one wise soul did note however, we all make mistakes, at some point, during any kind of sex or just life in general, you have all hurt yourself through either trying and doing something wrong, making a stupid mistake when you know better, or just plain unfortuante circumstance. If you are new to bottoming, you probably will hurt yourself at some point, just like you did when you first tried to climb a tree. Some lucky buggers climb it first time and never fall or get so much as a scratch; they never have done and never will do. The rest of us are reassured by everyone else having done the same idiotic thing, put a plaster on it, and try again another time.
Relevance to you:
In case I didn't make it obvious enough, this is not the be all and end all post, it is not perfect, and it may not be useful for you in the slightest. You all need to go find what works for you, this is a good starting point, but just as with the rest of sex, what works for one person doesn't for another. If you don't like any of this, if you don't agree with it, DON'T DO IT. Move on with your life, and leave me in peace to get fucked.
Positives:
Time for happier things after that long tirade I feel.
Thank you to all those who have spoken to me about trying the advice in my post. I'm even happier for those who found it worked for them! Some of you are friends who have said to me in person, some of you are randomers I've never met who took the time to send me a message. I wanted to share something and improve people's lives, and I have done. So thank you for telling me that I did.
To all those who have posted further information, you are amazing and are saving me a lot of time and effort. Some of your input I've included in the post, some of it I've left in the comments. Either way thank you. N.B. I make no comment on the veracity of the imformation posted by others, please do your own research, I've already written a small thesis on the subject.
For a start on more information, please see my friend's post here
As I said before, everyone who sent me comments, messages, etc, good and bad, the fact you took time to respond is much appreciated and hopefully let me clarify a lot of things.
Finally to the trans person who commented. AMAZING. And so glad it helped!
Tuesday, 10 January 2012
Bottoming 101
EDIT 1: I wrote a follow up post responding to some of the points people have raised and clarifying further points, it can be found here - Bottoming 101: The follow up
EDIT 2: It's been 7 years and over ONE MILLION of you have read my post and I'm honestly overwhelmed. I still get asked questions about sex and am happy to answer any I can to the best of my ability on my twitter @im_so_childish. I finally wrote a new post, Bottoming 201: The Douchening, which covers some regular questions I've had in those 7 years about overdouching, gut bacteria, diet, and "accidents"
---
This is gonna be a LOOOOONNNNNGG post because I have a lot to say on the subject. Also I totally fucked up what passes for a normal sleeping pattern for me doing this so I hope you're all fucking grateful. All puns intended.
I've been reading lots about what its like to be a bottom from all kinds of sources recently. You know how some weeks certain things just keep cropping up in your life for no obvious reason? And I take issue with a lot of what I've read. I'm a bottom. I'm a damn good bottom. I can take it hard and rough and with little lube and I enjoy every damned second of it. And I can power bottom with the best of them. So I feel myself pretty qualified to write a nice long guide to how the fuck a lot of people should be bottoming, cause a lot of people seem to get it pretty damned wrong. And some people just genuinely don't know and want to know more. I get at least one set of DMs a week to my twitter account (@im_so_childish) asking me about bottoming stuff. And I'm really happy to help those people and tell them what I know. So now I'm going to write it all down, so in future I can just refer everyone to this, and hopefully some of you learn something and discover the joy of bottoming.
Some Basic Points:
This shows more than I need but it's plenty useful. Here is your anus boys and girls (and your penis for the boys only). Around the point marked anus is your sphincter. This is the bit that opens and closes according to what's going in or out at any one time. Normally it stays shut. The rectum is effectively the bit you fuck. Mostly. If you've got an exceptionally large cock you might get past this bit but we'll come to deep penetration later. Much later.
Right lets go over all the important things about this entire area. Your asshole is a ring of muscle called a sphincter. Actually there's two of them but don't worry about that. You should all have a basic knowledge of how this works from going to the toilet for the entirety of your life. Finer control of your sphincter we'll come to later.
The rectum is the main area that concerns us. This is the bit that fills with shit, and tells you to go to the toilet. It doesn't stay full of shit all the time. It temporarily holds it and gives you the urge to go to the toilet, just like you get an urge to go for a piss; it doesn't mean there is constantly urine in your cock that you only release every so often. If you're lucky this stays clean when you're not about to go to the toilet. Most people aren't lucky. Or think they are but aren't 100% clean. You can clean this area and its one of the major marks of being a good bottom in most people's opinions. Again, more on this later.
The other major important landmark is the location of the prostate. It's right next to the wall of your rectum. When you get fucked, the other guy's cock rubs against the prostate. This feels GOOD. A really talented top can do it with his fingers, and really get you writhing in pleasure. But this is a guide for bottoms, not tops. Top boys you'll have to look elsewhere for that particular technique, sorry.
The final important point I want you to take away from this anatomy lesson is that the rectum is full of nerves. This is how it gives you the sensation that you need to empty it. And the sphincter is surrounded by nerves. This is what can feel good or bad about getting fucked depending on if you do it right. And even more interestingly, the body is conditioned to give you pleasureable feelings as things pass through the nerve endings of the sphincter. This is the sensation you get after having a really big shit; it's a biological incentive to do so. The happy endorphiny high. Well that's basically what you create when getting fucked. Over and over and over again as that cock pounds your hole. Starting to see the joy in bottoming?
The Golden Rules of Bottoming:
Okay so lets start with the sensible place to start. Getting something into your ass. Because if you can't even get a pinky in there the rest of this post is pretty much just useless theory anyway. The three golden rules of getting anything into your ass are:
Breathing:
Can you guys believe we haven't even got past the sphincter and getting whatever it is inside you yet? But seriously your hole is where so many of the issues are concerned. Once we're past all of that, it's pretty much the home straight and just a few bits of housekeeping before you'll be bottoming with the best of us. Let's start with breathing. The breathing techniques are designed to help you relax. And as you relax, so does your sphincter. There are a million and one different techniques here, and the same goes for the muscle control exercises which will follow. Like the lubes, you need to try them all and see what works best for you, because what works for you may not work for someone else, and everyone will inevitably recommend something different.
When you're trying to get something in your ass, and especially if you're struggling for whatever reason, you tend to forget to breathe as you're busy concentrating your focus on achieving your goal. This is perfectly natural, we do this all the time; its one less thing for the brain to focus on and worry about whilst you quickly complete whatever it is your trying to do and then your body can get back to the job of maintaining itself. Great, but this results in everything tensing up, you feeling hotter, and everything gets that much harder, basically the complete opposite of what you need to be doing at that point in time. So make your breathing conscious. Focus on that instead. Focussing on your breathing and making that the subject of your awareness and concentration will also help to clear your head and stop you worrying about what's happening to your ass, furthering the amount your body, especially that part, relaxes. Handy huh?
So how should you breathe? Well as I said it's down to you but there are two basic options that seem to work for most people - one is just the long deep controlled breaths in and out, the other is lamaze breathing. Lamaze breathing is that strange labour breathing where you exhale short-short-long. try counting out one-two-threeeeeeeeeee. with a short breath in just before one and two and a slightly longer one just before the threeeeeeee.
However you breathe, you want to exhale as things are going into you. This is the same as breathing during any form of exercise, you exhale on the exertion. So as something is going inside of you and your body starts to struggle, make sure you're on your long exhale. Again, you do the same when you have a big shit. As you push out, you exhale really deeply. It helps the body, and especially your sphincter when under pressure, relax. Plus the concentration of making your breathing your brain's focus helps to distract it from the unfamiliar, and potentially slightly painful feeling of penetration. Your body, as intelligent as it is, only has so much focus, and you can actually partially distract it from a lot of sensations pretty damn easily if you know how.
Muscle Control:
Yes your sphincter is a muscle. Once again lets admit there are actually two of them side by side. One of them is involuntary. You don't really need to worry about this one aside from the fact if you're stressed and worried it's unlikely to be cooperative, so this is why it's important to be relaxed. The other one is voluntary. This is the one you use to shit with. Or rather, the one you use to stop yourself from shitting your pants with. You should all know how this works in terms of a basic opening/closing kind of deal unless you've had a colostomy, but then you've had part of your colon removed and you have bigger issues.
Like breathing, the first thing to do is make yourself aware of this muscle. Don't just try and open up your ass. Actually think about what muscle you're using, and don't focus on getting anything in you, focus more on slowly, steadily, and comfortably, relaxing that muscle. Yes it's all a bit hippie-ish with visualizing and "don't just feel the muscle, see the muscle", but I'm actually kinda serious. This shit works, because once again it gives you something to focus on that isn't trying to get whatever it is in your ass. Focus on the muscle and what it's doing, and WHY is it clamping shut, and which bit of it feels tensest, and concentrating on slowly relaxing that, and eventually whatever you've got probing your hole will naturally follow.
Now of course you just have to combine this with the breathing, focussing on achieving both of them together rather than what's going into you and WHY you're doing this (which will only set your brain off worrying about whether you can do it again), and you're practically done.
And now, for some advanced teaching! (oooooh, aaaaaaah...) Okay hands up who in the blog has heard of Kegel muscles, or Kegel exercises? This is pretty much what I've been writing about above anyway. Though if you identify the right sets of muscles you'll find they're slightly different by funnily enough the distance between your asshole and your cock, that's when you know you've got the right respective set. So Kegel exercises work on your pelvic floor muscles. They're REALLY simple.
To identify your pelvic floor muscles, stop pissing half way through. Notice which muscles you're tensing. Also notice your hole has tensed up and tightened. And now start pissing again. And notice how everything relaxes. Including your ass. Okay now stop start stop start stop start until such time as you've finished pissing or got bored. It's pretty much that simple. Oh sure you can get it more complex, it's a set of muscles, like other muscle training exercises you can tense and hold, do quick reps, long reps etc etc. But the whole start stop pissing thing is simple, obvious, and easy. But you don't have to do it whilst on the loo, you can do it sitting at the pc, on the tube, wherever (I'm totally doing them right now :P).
Why? Because it'll give you REALLY good control over your hole. You know the bottoms that can basically suck in a guy's cock with their ass? This is what they're doing. They relax all the right muscles and bingo. The bottoms that can practically milk a guy's cock just with their ass? Again, this is it, tense, relax, tense, relax, etc whilst he's inside you, and bingo your top is going crazy for your ass and will be begging to fuck you again. And as an added bonus, studies show it prevents and/or solves erectile dysfunction, strengthens orgasms, and increases sexual pleasure. GET CLENCHING PEOPLE
Penetration:
OH MY GOD PEOPLE WE'RE HERE. PENETRATION! ACTUAL ENTRY! It's taken me more than 3,200 words to get to this point but finally we're here, together. Savour this moment. It's beautiful.
So hopefully you all paid attention to my earlier section on lube, patience, and relaxing, and together with the breathing and muscle focus you've managed to get something just about to open you up and into your ass. This is the all important "push out like you're taking a shit" moment, except it'll feel nothing like taking a shit because things are going in rather than out. The principle still stays the same. Push out with those pelvic floor and sphincter muscles you've been learning about. And remember to exhale as whatever it is enters you. If you're lucky, and you've taken your time, and got your body comfortable the idea, whatever it is will slide all the way into you in one go. It might feel like you're actually going to shit but you're not. The body has some sense, it's just the same biology and anatomy in use, so it can get confusing. Once in leave it there, focus on your breathing, and let your body start to adjust. That might take anywhere from 30 seconds to 15 minutes, and that's starting to adjust, not completely adjusted. If you're not used to this it's gonna take time. Like I said people, patience. Focus on breathing, focus on relaxing your mind and your entire body at this point. Don't focus just on the anal muscles anymore, relax your whole body and let it calm down from the intrusion.
If you feel pain at any point in the insertion. Stop right where you are. Don't go back to square one. That's the mistake. Stop pushing out, but resist the body's urge to totally close up. Hold your sphincter muscles open at the point that they are but no further, and obviously, stop pushing whatever it is in. Stop with it half way into you or wherever it is. Take a deep breath to help with relaxation and pain endurance and SLOWLY pull it out until it's bearable again. This should hopefully not be all the way out. Breathe in, focus on relaxing muscles again, and wait. Wait 5, 10 minutes however long you need to, and then try insertion again. And hopefully you get a bit further. Or maybe that's as far as you get that night. But try the next night, and you'll probably find you do get that little bit further then, and after 2 weeks or so, you'll hopefully be inside.
Once you're in and relatively comfortable and your hole has started to relax of its own accord and accept there's something holding it slightly open, slowly pull out. It shouldn't feel rough or stuck in any way, if it does, you didn't use enough lube when you went in. Don't pull out, don't pull past the sphincter, once you've travelled an inch or so, push back in slowly. Get your hole used to the sensation of being open and something going in and out of it and over time you can increase the length of the stroke. Get your hole comfortable with the idea. Once it learns to do this without any pain or huge struggles on your part you're pretty much done. At that point you can pull all the way out, and try reinsertion. And you'll probably find it a lot easier than the first time. Another trick is to rotate whatever it is - dildo, finger, obviously a cock doesn't really operate like that, whilst keeping it at the same depth. This will stimulate the sphincter without actually changing how open it is, or how deep you are etc.
Enjoy the sensation. If something feels a little painful, try and focus on what feels good. The sphincter nerves as discussed earlier are designed to give the brain pleasure when stimulated, so the strokes or rotations should hopefully give you *some* pleasure. Focus on that and how good it feels. Over time that sensation will improve, and the pain sensation will lessen. Congratulations, you have been penetrated. With time, practice, and bigger things being put into you, you'll be taking cocks no problem. When finished up breath a nice big sigh of relief and put a big smug grin on your face that you achieved it.
Cleaning Out:
And now you have something inside your ass. This means we should cover the all important area of cleaning and douching your ass. This is the area I get messaged with questions about more than any other. And it's really important. It's definitely a mark of a good bottom to be clean inside every time they get fucked; only a small subset of people enjoy shit as part of their sexual activities, but the majority of us don't. The deeper you get penetrated the higher the chance of the guy coming out with shit on his cock, or whatever it is. But yes, you can clean the inside of your ass! (Just don't use soap, really really don't, it'll cause problems, plain water does the job fine) It's called douching and its something a LOT more guys should be doing. Read and learn...
Douching (Bulb Douches)
If you don't know what a douche is, go look one up. It's basically a giant pipette with a spray nozzle on the end rather than a dropper. You can get them for about £10 in any sex shop or online. Now follow this guide:
Forward Planning
So if you've been paying attention you've probably noticed that cleaning out can take a fair amount of your time. Tops really do have it easy, they just turn up and fuck. A good bottom has to plan ahead. Bulb douching tends to take around half an hour. Deep cleaning can take up to an hour and a half. As you learn how your body responds to things and how to judge it etc you'll get quicker and maybe shave off a bit of time, but yeah, cleaning out, it takes time. A good bottom actually can't just come straight over in 5 minutes with no warning whatsoever unless he by chances has already prepared. (Though equally, a good bottom will prepare before he starts cruising). You should also think about what you eat. Whatever you put in your mouth is gonna end up somewhere near your ass several hours later even when deep cleaning. How long it takes to be a problem depends on how well you cleaned out and what you're doing, but it's just something to be aware of. Some greedy bottom boys don't eat at all if they're going to a sex club that day, or some go on liquid only diets for the day. Again it all comes down to being aware of your body and how it works and thinking about what you're doing with it.
Fin:
That's pretty much your basic guide to bottoming people. I've covered all the important details, but that in no way means I'm done. I've come this far, I might as well go all the way and talk to you about all sorts of other things relevant to bottoming, starting with three housekeeping issues:
Grooming:
Now this is all down to personal preference, both of you, and the guy fucking you. Some guys like completely smooth, some guys like trimmed, some guys like hairy, some guys like full on gorilla, whatever works for you.
If you do wanna remove hair there are many ways - trimming is good for getting rid of long hair or keeping it tidy. You can buy body trimmers from just about anywhere these days for £25 or so. Shaving is the most obvious method of full hair removal. Yes it is possible to shave your own ass, yes it takes practice. LOTS of practice. And yes you will end up with shaving bumps and the occasional cut. Just like shaving your face. It grows back thicker stubble and requires very regular upkeep to stop from getting itchy and uncomfortable whether on your ass or crotch. GO SLOWLY, the skin in your entire pelvic area is rather sensitive and rather fragile (though I probably don't need to tell that to any guy sticking a blade in the viciinty of his cock). Creams are a good way of getting rid of hair and require less regular maintenance than shaving. Always buy the sensitive skin version. And don't leave on too long. Either way you may still find they burn, if so stop using them. Creams burn me so I shave. It's a hassle, but better than chemical burns on my balls thanks. Waxing is as effective as cream and also long lasting, but usually requires someone else to do it for you. You can even get laser hair removal in such areas. The people I know who've had it done swear by it. Though it does involve putting your ass and cock in the path of a laser....
Condoms:
I've made very little mention in this post of whether condoms are involved or not. I leave you to make your own decisions. You're all adults. You should all know the risks. I don't want to lecture you and I don't want lectures from for you. The principle of how to get fucked is exactly the same whether you use them or not. You tend to need more lube with condoms and they do increase discomfort to varying degrees for the bottom, but they stop the spread of STIs and are good practice, especially if you're picking up random shags. Like lubes, you can get trial packs with all sorts of different kinds of condoms in, find what works for you, both as a bottom and as a top, and stock up on them. Whatever you do be sensible about it, and respectful of others.
Time Frames::
A lot of people when I started talking about writing this sent me messages saying they were interested because they'd like to bottom but always had problems. I firmly believe anyone can bottom with enough determination and patience. But how long it might take you varies from person to person. I've always been good at taking cock. But I know not everyone is. Some people have to work really fucking hard at it. No pun intended. You're almost definitely gonna need to take time playing with yourself before you move onto toys, or playing with others. If necessary just tease your hole with some lubed up fingers, not going in at all, just getting your hole comfortable with the sensation of something on it, over the course of an entire evening go from hardly touching to the amount of pressure you use to to push a tablet out of a blister pack. And I mean take the entire fucking evening to build up to that if you need to. Your body gets used to sensations, but different people get used to them at different rates. If you really struggle to take anything, it's gonna take you a while to get anything inside you, but if you keep trying, and keep practising, and easing your body into the sensations associated with it, you'll get there eventually.
Bottoming is a skill like any other in the world, if you want to get really good at it you have to practice. Regularly. As in 3 or more times a week. And if you are charcoal into diamond style tight that might even involve gritting through a bit of pain here and there. Not too much, please don't damage yourselves. But sometimes you have to push yourself through things in life if you really wanna try it and do it. If you're lucky you're born into the world as a natural bottom, just like some are born as natural tops, natural athletes, natural scholars, whatever it may be. Everyone else has to work at it, just like they have to work at most things in the world. Don't expect sex to be any different.
Advanced Bottoming:
There are so many places to go once you've learnt how to bottom well. That doesn't have to mean you bottom all the time, or even regularly, but knowing how to bottom and being capable of doing so when you want to is a trait practically every guy's gonna appreciate about you. I'm not gonna do how to guides here, just some comments on various areas.
Stretching
The anus is surprisingly elastic. If treated well, again by relaxing properly and with patience, you won't do it any damage, and given time to recover it will return to whatever sort of states your body considers normal. Getting fisted doesn't make you incontinent. Getting fisted to the elbow every night might very well do, but the occasional heavy play session isn't gonna do you any damage if done right. You may find after heavy sessions doing whatever you need to give your ass a day or two off following. Treat your ass well and it'll let you do practically anything to it.
Poppers
Some people called poppers, also called room odorizers, video head cleaner, all sorts of things. You inhale them people. They provide a slight high during inhalation and for a brief period after and they act as a muscle relaxant. They can help you to take a little bit more or supress the initial pain of penetration and they can be fun in their own right during sex. If you're not a confident bottom, I recommend trying the stuff in my post WITHOUT them first, once you're properly aware of what you're trying to do and how to go about it, then throw poppers into the mix if you want 'em
Analgesic Sprays
These are the lubes and sprays that slightly numb the skin around the ass. Like poppers they're designed to aid penetration for people who find it difficult. Frankly, I don't recommend them. Pain is your body telling you something's wrong, it's telling you you're doing damage, you're going too fast, stretching too much, and need to stop or slow down. Yes it's frustrating and it takes longer to work through the pain naturally, but personally I don't think you should be suppressing the body's natural reactions - they're there for a reason people
Size Issues and Training
I've written all this assuming you're using something vaguely appropriate to your ability to bottom in terms of size. Don't try and take too much, you can work up to it later. You can get dildos smaller than a little finger, and buttplugs that are only an inch in girth so even if you're really tight, don't lose hope. There is a toy for you. And they increase in size all the way up to full traffic cone sized door stops. The trick to taking more is again, more patience, more lube, start small, with what you can do, and over a long period of time, work onto slowly bigger things. As I said above, the anus is fairly elastic and can adjust itself pretty impressively, but it needs the chance to do so.
Positions
Like with the condoms and lube, try every position imaginable, try being on top, underneath, on your side, find a gay kama sutra online and try everything you can do in it. Different positions work differently for each person. You might find being on your back with your legs in the air incredibly painful, but taking it doggy style might have you moaning so loud the neighbours complain. I can't cum when I have a guy riding me (that's not to say I don't enjoy it). You get different sensations from all these different positions because they put pressure on each of your bodies in slightly different ways and tense different sets of muscles and mean whatever's going into you at slight different angles. Find the one that works for you.
Curved Cocks
On the subject of angles, some guys have really curved cocks, this can present a problem when being penetrated because it may mean your rectum is being pushed into your bladder, abdominal cavity, wherever as the guy thrusts into you and this can make it painful or simply uncomfortable. This is where different positions can really help. What way does the guy's cock curve? Think about what that's gonna be like when it's inside you, and adjust for the straightest and most comfortable fuck. That said, sometimes a guy with a really curved cock can hit the right spot in a way a guy with a straight cock can't hope to. A curved cock isn't a bad thing...
Depth Play
Deep Cleaning is really the trick here, but neither you nor the top should be too surprised if the end of whatever it is inside you does get covered in something. It's unfortunate and embarrassing, but it's an occupational hazard, even just from normal fucking with the best preparation. Sometimes it happens. Deal with it, move on. Be a fucking grown up.
Fisting
Cut your nails when fisting a guy, you don't wanna cause any bleeding by scratching something, however minor. It's incredibly uncomfortable for the bottom. If using gloves make sure your lube is compatible with them. Oil degrades latex. Most fisting lubes are oil based. Most gloves are latex based. Do the math. You can get water based fisting lubes, they're just not as common. Let the bottom control the pace, depth, etc. He's trusting you a hell of a lot when your fist is buried in his ass even if he only met you 10 minutes ago.
Double Penetration
Very possible, very fun. Same principles apply just twice over. Lots more lube. Lots more patience and trying. You might have to adjust to get the angles right. Easiest one is bottom riding one guy, other one comes up behind him.
Less Lube
Over time if you bottom regularly you'll probably find you need less lube as your body gets used to things. There's not really any huge advantage to using less lube, aside from maybe some cost savings and a little less mess to clear up. If in doubt, add extra lube. It's fun to just spit and shove, but most guys can't take that.
Body Awareness
Practically everything I've written in the more than 7000 words above should have given you the impression that basically it all comes down to being aware about your body. What it's doing, how it works, why it responds to certain things in certain ways, how to get desired responses out of it, how to train it into particular things and what you can expect from it. I have learnt over the years most people do not know their own bodies very well, especially when it comes to sex. And extra especially when it comes to anal sex. If you take the time to learn these things, everything becomes SO much easier.
Caveat
You don't have to do everything on this list. You may just wanna get fucked by your boyfriend occasionally rather than become some pnp fisting power bottom. I get a lot of questions from a lot of different people, so I've tried to cover all bases on some levels. The basic cleaning and penetration techniques are good knowledge for everyone, but as I've repeatedly stated throughout this post. Find what works for you, what you're comfortable with, and go with that. Not whatever other people, or me, or the internet, or whoever says. Go with what you like and you're interested in.
A Word for Bottoms:
It's fun, it's amazing, it's awesome, we love it. Don't wreck yourselves, don't hurt yourselves, and never ever forget you are in charge. No matter what. It becomes rape the second you withdraw consent, no matter how much "you were clearly gagging for it". If it hurts, if its not working for you, if something's wrong. Change it. Some of you like it to hurt a bit, some of you like to be used and not get that much pleasure out of it. That's fine, because in doing that it IS working for you. But whatever you do, make sure it's something you're happy and comfortable with. Your ass will thank you in the long run.
A Word for All of You:
Repost, retweet, reblog, share, educate. Let me know if you have any thoughts or comments on it. Let me know if you think I should talk about something I haven't. Let me know if you have something you think I could include. Credit me please. I spent my time and energy writing all this up, and I'm happy to share it, but at least credit where you actually got it from. Also feel free to read the rest of my blog, it's very self involved and totally crazy and not actually to do with sex at all, mostly. But people seem to enjoy it.
EDIT 2: It's been 7 years and over ONE MILLION of you have read my post and I'm honestly overwhelmed. I still get asked questions about sex and am happy to answer any I can to the best of my ability on my twitter @im_so_childish. I finally wrote a new post, Bottoming 201: The Douchening, which covers some regular questions I've had in those 7 years about overdouching, gut bacteria, diet, and "accidents"
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This is gonna be a LOOOOONNNNNGG post because I have a lot to say on the subject. Also I totally fucked up what passes for a normal sleeping pattern for me doing this so I hope you're all fucking grateful. All puns intended.
I've been reading lots about what its like to be a bottom from all kinds of sources recently. You know how some weeks certain things just keep cropping up in your life for no obvious reason? And I take issue with a lot of what I've read. I'm a bottom. I'm a damn good bottom. I can take it hard and rough and with little lube and I enjoy every damned second of it. And I can power bottom with the best of them. So I feel myself pretty qualified to write a nice long guide to how the fuck a lot of people should be bottoming, cause a lot of people seem to get it pretty damned wrong. And some people just genuinely don't know and want to know more. I get at least one set of DMs a week to my twitter account (@im_so_childish) asking me about bottoming stuff. And I'm really happy to help those people and tell them what I know. So now I'm going to write it all down, so in future I can just refer everyone to this, and hopefully some of you learn something and discover the joy of bottoming.
Some Basic Points:
- Bottoming does not *have* to hurt. - it probably will to start, but doesn't with experience
- Bottoming does not make you gay/less manly/a slut/desperate/whatever. I can't believe I even need to write that but I know I do.
- The bottom is not an exit hole only
- The bottom does not *have* to be dirty, and by and large, usually isn't depending on what you're doing and how you've prepared - more about this later
- Yes you may be really tight. Sphincters, i.e. your asshole, are made of muscle. Admittedly they aren't quite like biceps, but just about any muscle in the body can be trained, and improved with patience, the right technique and regular practice.
- You do not *have* to bottom if you don't want to for whatever reason, ever in your entire life if you so choose. But like all aspects of sex, if you're curious, it's worth seeing what happens and where it takes you.
- A good top will notice and appreciate a good bottom. And the bottom will get repeat fucks.
- Just because you bottom doesn't mean you can't top. My friends all regard me as one of the biggest power bottoms they know, but I can still nail a guy's ass if I the mood strikes me.
- The bottom is ALWAYS in control. Doesn't matter what's the situation is, when they've got a problem, you've got a problem. Respect your bottom, cause you're the one who wants to get inside them.
An Anatomy Lesson:
Right, now that that's out of the way, let's start with some basic anatomy shall we, as a friend just said, it's important to have a knowledge of this stuff and how to abuse it ;)
Right lets go over all the important things about this entire area. Your asshole is a ring of muscle called a sphincter. Actually there's two of them but don't worry about that. You should all have a basic knowledge of how this works from going to the toilet for the entirety of your life. Finer control of your sphincter we'll come to later.
The rectum is the main area that concerns us. This is the bit that fills with shit, and tells you to go to the toilet. It doesn't stay full of shit all the time. It temporarily holds it and gives you the urge to go to the toilet, just like you get an urge to go for a piss; it doesn't mean there is constantly urine in your cock that you only release every so often. If you're lucky this stays clean when you're not about to go to the toilet. Most people aren't lucky. Or think they are but aren't 100% clean. You can clean this area and its one of the major marks of being a good bottom in most people's opinions. Again, more on this later.
The other major important landmark is the location of the prostate. It's right next to the wall of your rectum. When you get fucked, the other guy's cock rubs against the prostate. This feels GOOD. A really talented top can do it with his fingers, and really get you writhing in pleasure. But this is a guide for bottoms, not tops. Top boys you'll have to look elsewhere for that particular technique, sorry.
The final important point I want you to take away from this anatomy lesson is that the rectum is full of nerves. This is how it gives you the sensation that you need to empty it. And the sphincter is surrounded by nerves. This is what can feel good or bad about getting fucked depending on if you do it right. And even more interestingly, the body is conditioned to give you pleasureable feelings as things pass through the nerve endings of the sphincter. This is the sensation you get after having a really big shit; it's a biological incentive to do so. The happy endorphiny high. Well that's basically what you create when getting fucked. Over and over and over again as that cock pounds your hole. Starting to see the joy in bottoming?
The Golden Rules of Bottoming:
Okay so lets start with the sensible place to start. Getting something into your ass. Because if you can't even get a pinky in there the rest of this post is pretty much just useless theory anyway. The three golden rules of getting anything into your ass are:
- Lube
- Patience
- Relax FFS!
If you're having problems you haven't done one of these properly. TRUST ME. Yes you might be tight, and yes you might be struggling to get a pencil up there, but with all 3 of the above you will eventually get there. In order then....
Lube.
Me? I can take things with just a spit and go, but that's me, and that's cause I'm used to it, and because I don't mind a bit of pain because I'm a masochist. I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume the rest of you don't like pain and need more lube than just some spit, that's not a bad thing. The rectum is a fragile area. And tearing either the rectal wall, or stretching the sphincter too far, too fast, on entry is not only potentially dangerous, it REALLY fucking hurts the next day. Even I've taken too much too quickly with not enough lube and regretted it. It heals, just like any other part of the body, but it still fucking hurts.
There are a million and one different types of lubes out there, but lets start with basics. Most lubes are made of one of 3 different bases, water, oil, or silicone. They all have advantages and disadvantages. They all feel different. And each base comes in a variety of different brands and slightly different types that also feel slightly different. The trick with lube is to experiment. Find one that works for you. You can get lube trial packs with all sorts of different varieties in or you can go to a sex shop armed with about £20 and buy the little travel/cruising size packets in every kind imaginable.
There are a million and one different types of lubes out there, but lets start with basics. Most lubes are made of one of 3 different bases, water, oil, or silicone. They all have advantages and disadvantages. They all feel different. And each base comes in a variety of different brands and slightly different types that also feel slightly different. The trick with lube is to experiment. Find one that works for you. You can get lube trial packs with all sorts of different varieties in or you can go to a sex shop armed with about £20 and buy the little travel/cruising size packets in every kind imaginable.
Water based are slick, and the most common variety that most people prefer and use. The free lubes the doctors give out are almost always water based. They're simple, easy, last a decent amount of time, wash out of anything you get them on, and totally compatible with condoms. Downside is they can get sticky, especially on your hands from where you applied it, and can need reapplying throughout fucking as they dry out through friction.
Oil based lubes last a long time, they sit on the top of the skin which doesn't really absorb them so they don't tend to need reapplying. Most fisting lubes are oil based. Downside is they are not condom friendly at all. They degrade latex, and the last thing you want is a falling apart condom inside your ass. Also oil often stains a lot of things. A good wash can get it out of sheets, but perhaps not out of the wood finish desk you fucked on top of.
Silicone lubes are basically an attempt to combine the best bits of both oil and water based lubes. Silicone lubes tend to last a long time and a little bit can go a long way. They are condom friendly. They stain a lot of things. Silicone lube bottles tend to leak slightly - the lube can get around the lids so in a bedroom where they stay upright you're fine, travelling with them or in your pocket is less good. Silicone lubes need soap to wash them off so it takes longer to clean up and a big stain might not wash out at all. Oil or water based tend to be better for fisting/stretching/depth play. They're also considerably more expensive than water based lubes. But personally I find that they're a bit like the fairy liquid of lubes - they last a lot longer and you need a lot less than the cheap shit. So it all works out the same in the end. Personally I prefer silicone based lubes. My ex preferred water based so whenever I fucked him we switched lubes. Find out what works for you. And don't assume it works for everyone. I have both water based and silicone lubes by my bed.
N.B. There are also hybrid silicone/water based lubes. I've never found them to be any good to be honest, but again, try them, and if they work for you, go buy a big bottle and to go town on your ass.
Patience.
Now quite frankly, this is all down to you. You know yourself best. You're the only one who can feel what you're feeling and know what feels good, what feels bad, how much you think you can take and how far you can go etc. That said, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SLOW DOWN. A lot are really eager to get your fingers/dildo/his cock/the wine bottle or whatever it is in your ass, probably because it's feeling good. And that's admirable and kinda hot, but seriously, take your time. I'm assuming you're reading this because you're not confident in your bottoming abilities, and want to improve. So take it from someone who is confident about them. Slow down, take it easy, apply more lube. Spend an entire evening stopping and starting, or very slowly stretching further. You don't have to get it in in 5 minutes, and you're not gonna train your ass to power bottom status in 30 minutes. Take all the fucking time in the world, and dont let anything dry out. When you're getting double fucked by two 10" cocks, then you can start worrying about trying to do it faster and without using a gallon of lube to do so.
Relax.
Again this is really all down to you and how you're feeling, but again, most people go about this wrong. Breathe. Calm down. Taking your time will help with this. Don't try to push yourself too far. And stop worrying so much. I know you're eager, I know you really really wanna be able to get fucked, but you're gonna make yourself worse by trying so damned hard. A lot of it's in your head to be honest. You're so convinced, on a subconscious level, that it's hard for you to bottom, that you can't take whatever it is, that it'll hurt, that your body instinctively prevents you from doing so. Remember how I told you there are technically two sphincters at your asshole? Well one of them is involuntarily, so until your subconscious is happy, you ain't getting anywhere. It took me 3 years of trying to take a fist to finally get there- I only managed it for the first time about 4 months ago. And now I can take a fist relatively comfortably. Because my mind has finally learnt that I CAN do it, that I just need to breathe, and not panic, or worry, or try so damn hard, and it'll happen, suddenly everything opens up and they're inside. And it's EXACTLY the same with cock. Relax, take long deep breaths, clear your mind, and just accept if it happens AMAZING, but if it doesn't you can just try again in the future. There are a few muscle and breathing techniques I can teach you however, so onto the next section of this ridiculously long blog post...
Breathing:
Can you guys believe we haven't even got past the sphincter and getting whatever it is inside you yet? But seriously your hole is where so many of the issues are concerned. Once we're past all of that, it's pretty much the home straight and just a few bits of housekeeping before you'll be bottoming with the best of us. Let's start with breathing. The breathing techniques are designed to help you relax. And as you relax, so does your sphincter. There are a million and one different techniques here, and the same goes for the muscle control exercises which will follow. Like the lubes, you need to try them all and see what works best for you, because what works for you may not work for someone else, and everyone will inevitably recommend something different.
When you're trying to get something in your ass, and especially if you're struggling for whatever reason, you tend to forget to breathe as you're busy concentrating your focus on achieving your goal. This is perfectly natural, we do this all the time; its one less thing for the brain to focus on and worry about whilst you quickly complete whatever it is your trying to do and then your body can get back to the job of maintaining itself. Great, but this results in everything tensing up, you feeling hotter, and everything gets that much harder, basically the complete opposite of what you need to be doing at that point in time. So make your breathing conscious. Focus on that instead. Focussing on your breathing and making that the subject of your awareness and concentration will also help to clear your head and stop you worrying about what's happening to your ass, furthering the amount your body, especially that part, relaxes. Handy huh?
So how should you breathe? Well as I said it's down to you but there are two basic options that seem to work for most people - one is just the long deep controlled breaths in and out, the other is lamaze breathing. Lamaze breathing is that strange labour breathing where you exhale short-short-long. try counting out one-two-threeeeeeeeeee. with a short breath in just before one and two and a slightly longer one just before the threeeeeeee.
However you breathe, you want to exhale as things are going into you. This is the same as breathing during any form of exercise, you exhale on the exertion. So as something is going inside of you and your body starts to struggle, make sure you're on your long exhale. Again, you do the same when you have a big shit. As you push out, you exhale really deeply. It helps the body, and especially your sphincter when under pressure, relax. Plus the concentration of making your breathing your brain's focus helps to distract it from the unfamiliar, and potentially slightly painful feeling of penetration. Your body, as intelligent as it is, only has so much focus, and you can actually partially distract it from a lot of sensations pretty damn easily if you know how.
Muscle Control:
Yes your sphincter is a muscle. Once again lets admit there are actually two of them side by side. One of them is involuntary. You don't really need to worry about this one aside from the fact if you're stressed and worried it's unlikely to be cooperative, so this is why it's important to be relaxed. The other one is voluntary. This is the one you use to shit with. Or rather, the one you use to stop yourself from shitting your pants with. You should all know how this works in terms of a basic opening/closing kind of deal unless you've had a colostomy, but then you've had part of your colon removed and you have bigger issues.
Like breathing, the first thing to do is make yourself aware of this muscle. Don't just try and open up your ass. Actually think about what muscle you're using, and don't focus on getting anything in you, focus more on slowly, steadily, and comfortably, relaxing that muscle. Yes it's all a bit hippie-ish with visualizing and "don't just feel the muscle, see the muscle", but I'm actually kinda serious. This shit works, because once again it gives you something to focus on that isn't trying to get whatever it is in your ass. Focus on the muscle and what it's doing, and WHY is it clamping shut, and which bit of it feels tensest, and concentrating on slowly relaxing that, and eventually whatever you've got probing your hole will naturally follow.
Now of course you just have to combine this with the breathing, focussing on achieving both of them together rather than what's going into you and WHY you're doing this (which will only set your brain off worrying about whether you can do it again), and you're practically done.
And now, for some advanced teaching! (oooooh, aaaaaaah...) Okay hands up who in the blog has heard of Kegel muscles, or Kegel exercises? This is pretty much what I've been writing about above anyway. Though if you identify the right sets of muscles you'll find they're slightly different by funnily enough the distance between your asshole and your cock, that's when you know you've got the right respective set. So Kegel exercises work on your pelvic floor muscles. They're REALLY simple.
To identify your pelvic floor muscles, stop pissing half way through. Notice which muscles you're tensing. Also notice your hole has tensed up and tightened. And now start pissing again. And notice how everything relaxes. Including your ass. Okay now stop start stop start stop start until such time as you've finished pissing or got bored. It's pretty much that simple. Oh sure you can get it more complex, it's a set of muscles, like other muscle training exercises you can tense and hold, do quick reps, long reps etc etc. But the whole start stop pissing thing is simple, obvious, and easy. But you don't have to do it whilst on the loo, you can do it sitting at the pc, on the tube, wherever (I'm totally doing them right now :P).
Why? Because it'll give you REALLY good control over your hole. You know the bottoms that can basically suck in a guy's cock with their ass? This is what they're doing. They relax all the right muscles and bingo. The bottoms that can practically milk a guy's cock just with their ass? Again, this is it, tense, relax, tense, relax, etc whilst he's inside you, and bingo your top is going crazy for your ass and will be begging to fuck you again. And as an added bonus, studies show it prevents and/or solves erectile dysfunction, strengthens orgasms, and increases sexual pleasure. GET CLENCHING PEOPLE
Penetration:
OH MY GOD PEOPLE WE'RE HERE. PENETRATION! ACTUAL ENTRY! It's taken me more than 3,200 words to get to this point but finally we're here, together. Savour this moment. It's beautiful.
So hopefully you all paid attention to my earlier section on lube, patience, and relaxing, and together with the breathing and muscle focus you've managed to get something just about to open you up and into your ass. This is the all important "push out like you're taking a shit" moment, except it'll feel nothing like taking a shit because things are going in rather than out. The principle still stays the same. Push out with those pelvic floor and sphincter muscles you've been learning about. And remember to exhale as whatever it is enters you. If you're lucky, and you've taken your time, and got your body comfortable the idea, whatever it is will slide all the way into you in one go. It might feel like you're actually going to shit but you're not. The body has some sense, it's just the same biology and anatomy in use, so it can get confusing. Once in leave it there, focus on your breathing, and let your body start to adjust. That might take anywhere from 30 seconds to 15 minutes, and that's starting to adjust, not completely adjusted. If you're not used to this it's gonna take time. Like I said people, patience. Focus on breathing, focus on relaxing your mind and your entire body at this point. Don't focus just on the anal muscles anymore, relax your whole body and let it calm down from the intrusion.
If you feel pain at any point in the insertion. Stop right where you are. Don't go back to square one. That's the mistake. Stop pushing out, but resist the body's urge to totally close up. Hold your sphincter muscles open at the point that they are but no further, and obviously, stop pushing whatever it is in. Stop with it half way into you or wherever it is. Take a deep breath to help with relaxation and pain endurance and SLOWLY pull it out until it's bearable again. This should hopefully not be all the way out. Breathe in, focus on relaxing muscles again, and wait. Wait 5, 10 minutes however long you need to, and then try insertion again. And hopefully you get a bit further. Or maybe that's as far as you get that night. But try the next night, and you'll probably find you do get that little bit further then, and after 2 weeks or so, you'll hopefully be inside.
Once you're in and relatively comfortable and your hole has started to relax of its own accord and accept there's something holding it slightly open, slowly pull out. It shouldn't feel rough or stuck in any way, if it does, you didn't use enough lube when you went in. Don't pull out, don't pull past the sphincter, once you've travelled an inch or so, push back in slowly. Get your hole used to the sensation of being open and something going in and out of it and over time you can increase the length of the stroke. Get your hole comfortable with the idea. Once it learns to do this without any pain or huge struggles on your part you're pretty much done. At that point you can pull all the way out, and try reinsertion. And you'll probably find it a lot easier than the first time. Another trick is to rotate whatever it is - dildo, finger, obviously a cock doesn't really operate like that, whilst keeping it at the same depth. This will stimulate the sphincter without actually changing how open it is, or how deep you are etc.
Enjoy the sensation. If something feels a little painful, try and focus on what feels good. The sphincter nerves as discussed earlier are designed to give the brain pleasure when stimulated, so the strokes or rotations should hopefully give you *some* pleasure. Focus on that and how good it feels. Over time that sensation will improve, and the pain sensation will lessen. Congratulations, you have been penetrated. With time, practice, and bigger things being put into you, you'll be taking cocks no problem. When finished up breath a nice big sigh of relief and put a big smug grin on your face that you achieved it.
Cleaning Out:
And now you have something inside your ass. This means we should cover the all important area of cleaning and douching your ass. This is the area I get messaged with questions about more than any other. And it's really important. It's definitely a mark of a good bottom to be clean inside every time they get fucked; only a small subset of people enjoy shit as part of their sexual activities, but the majority of us don't. The deeper you get penetrated the higher the chance of the guy coming out with shit on his cock, or whatever it is. But yes, you can clean the inside of your ass! (Just don't use soap, really really don't, it'll cause problems, plain water does the job fine) It's called douching and its something a LOT more guys should be doing. Read and learn...
Douching (Bulb Douches)
If you don't know what a douche is, go look one up. It's basically a giant pipette with a spray nozzle on the end rather than a dropper. You can get them for about £10 in any sex shop or online. Now follow this guide:
- Fill sink with lukewarm water. Not hot. Not cold. A nice 37 degrees centigrade would be about ideal considering it's going to go in your body.
- Fill douche with said water
- Lube up douche and your hole and insert douche (i.e. you need to be used to having things in your ass a little by this point)
- Depress bulb SLOWLY and your ass will fill with water - you'll very quickly notice if the water is too hot or cold at this point and if it is, stop and restart the whole procedure.
- DO NOT let go of the bulb once its fully depressed. (last thing you want to feel is suction inside your ass trust me)
- Carefully pull the douche out of your ass, trying to keep your hole as tight as possible to stop water escaping.
- Wait. It'll be mildly uncomfortable and your intestines will probably make a fair bit of noise. Try and hold it for 5 minutes if you can but if it gets really uncomfortable or painful don't worry about it and skip to step 8.
- Expel into toilet. You probably want to flush at this point.
- Repeat procedure until the water comes out near enough the same colour as it went in.
Done, simple. Clean the douche, flush it through with clean water several times. You should probably jump in the shower at this point and clean the lube and douche water off your ass too. Bulb douches are cheap, simple, easy, and great if you have a grindr fuck due in 20 minutes. They keep you clean for about an hour or so. They are not good for long sessions, cleaning before going out at 8pm on the pull with a view to dragging a guy into your bed at 2am at the end of the night, or for deep penetration by big toys, fists, or large cocked men. And so we come to...
Deep Cleaning
Bulb douches clean out the lower portion of your ass only, if you're gonna need the stuff further up cleaned up, you need a deeper cleaning douche. Check out the shower shot. There's a million and one similar cheaper versions on sale in your local sex shop or online. It's basically a dildo attachment to a shower hose that can have water coming out the end of it. For this you're gonna need a shower with adjustable pressure. If your shower only has a fixed pressure, or the lowest pressure is still pretty decent, you'll do damage to your ass if you use water that basically jet blasts your insides. That's not the aim here. If your shower isn't suitable you can find mixer tap shower hose types that have the same attachment at the end. And here we go...
N.B. You may want to have cleaned out once or twice with a bulb douche first before doing this.
- Connect the attachment to the end of your shower hose (this may involve taking off your shower head :P)
- Adjust your shower to output lukewarm water and a fairly light pressure.
- Your attachment may have an on/off valve for the water to make insertion easier, if so turn it off at this point.
- Lie down in your bath (so the first step should really be making sure your shower hose is long enough, if not buy a longer one and swap!) You shouldn't do this standing up or squatting. When you lie down your entire intestinal region relaxes a lot of muscles and you're gonna want that here. If you're sqautting you it'll still work, but the effect wont be as great or long lasting.
- Insert attachment as deep as you can.
- Turn valve if present to on. You should feel a steady trickle of water into your ass. Again pull out and adjust temperature if necessary. And make sure pressure is light. You are slowly filling your intestines with water, not jet washing them.
- Once full (this may take a minute or two) pull attachment out, keeping hole tight as possible again.
- Again keep held in for 5 minutes or as long as is comfortable.
- Expel.
- Witness the difference between deep cleaning and bulb douching and realise just how much bulb douching doesn't get to.
- Repeat procedure until water runs pretty much clear again.
- Wait 20 minutes.
- Go to toilet again, sometimes it takes that 20 minutes or so for some of the really deep water to work itself out of you. If it's dirty you may want to repeat everything all over again.
Depending on your body and what you've eaten etc, this usually lasts between 4 - 8 hours before you're at risk of anything getting dirty again. You can go out, find a boy, bring him home, and get fucked by him in the safe knowledge you'll be clean and sparkly. Or you can start taking fists to the elbows, or get fucked non stop all night. Regardless, you'll be clean. Whatever you do, remember to put your normal shower head back on, especially if you have flatmates. I'm not being held responsible for that conversation.
Over-douching
Douching is amazingly handy. Deep cleaning is awesome. But a word of caution. The intestines contain lots of helpful things in them designed to help digestion, stop us getting ill, all sorts of stuff really. Yakult and Activia ads can tell you all about it I'm sure. Douching, and especially deep cleaning, can wash these out, making our bodies less effective. As a result, try not to over douche. I'm not sure on exact specifics, but I probably don't recommend deep cleaning more than 2 or 3 times a week, and if you're getting fucked all night long more often than that, you don't deserve sympathy from the rest of us when your body doesn't work right you lucky bastard :P Be sensible kids.
Bath cleaning
This isn't really douching, but it is a way of making life a little easier if you are super tight, have IBS or something that makes it hard to douche etc. Get in a deep bath with no soap products in it. Get some silicone lube (which doesn't wash out in water alone so will work underwater), and start playing with your hole. Work yourself open. You'll get a bit of water in your hole and it'll clean maybe the first inch or so of your sphincter. It's not much, but it'll make playing with yourself a little easier and nicer.
Forward Planning
So if you've been paying attention you've probably noticed that cleaning out can take a fair amount of your time. Tops really do have it easy, they just turn up and fuck. A good bottom has to plan ahead. Bulb douching tends to take around half an hour. Deep cleaning can take up to an hour and a half. As you learn how your body responds to things and how to judge it etc you'll get quicker and maybe shave off a bit of time, but yeah, cleaning out, it takes time. A good bottom actually can't just come straight over in 5 minutes with no warning whatsoever unless he by chances has already prepared. (Though equally, a good bottom will prepare before he starts cruising). You should also think about what you eat. Whatever you put in your mouth is gonna end up somewhere near your ass several hours later even when deep cleaning. How long it takes to be a problem depends on how well you cleaned out and what you're doing, but it's just something to be aware of. Some greedy bottom boys don't eat at all if they're going to a sex club that day, or some go on liquid only diets for the day. Again it all comes down to being aware of your body and how it works and thinking about what you're doing with it.
Fin:
That's pretty much your basic guide to bottoming people. I've covered all the important details, but that in no way means I'm done. I've come this far, I might as well go all the way and talk to you about all sorts of other things relevant to bottoming, starting with three housekeeping issues:
Grooming:
Now this is all down to personal preference, both of you, and the guy fucking you. Some guys like completely smooth, some guys like trimmed, some guys like hairy, some guys like full on gorilla, whatever works for you.
If you do wanna remove hair there are many ways - trimming is good for getting rid of long hair or keeping it tidy. You can buy body trimmers from just about anywhere these days for £25 or so. Shaving is the most obvious method of full hair removal. Yes it is possible to shave your own ass, yes it takes practice. LOTS of practice. And yes you will end up with shaving bumps and the occasional cut. Just like shaving your face. It grows back thicker stubble and requires very regular upkeep to stop from getting itchy and uncomfortable whether on your ass or crotch. GO SLOWLY, the skin in your entire pelvic area is rather sensitive and rather fragile (though I probably don't need to tell that to any guy sticking a blade in the viciinty of his cock). Creams are a good way of getting rid of hair and require less regular maintenance than shaving. Always buy the sensitive skin version. And don't leave on too long. Either way you may still find they burn, if so stop using them. Creams burn me so I shave. It's a hassle, but better than chemical burns on my balls thanks. Waxing is as effective as cream and also long lasting, but usually requires someone else to do it for you. You can even get laser hair removal in such areas. The people I know who've had it done swear by it. Though it does involve putting your ass and cock in the path of a laser....
Condoms:
I've made very little mention in this post of whether condoms are involved or not. I leave you to make your own decisions. You're all adults. You should all know the risks. I don't want to lecture you and I don't want lectures from for you. The principle of how to get fucked is exactly the same whether you use them or not. You tend to need more lube with condoms and they do increase discomfort to varying degrees for the bottom, but they stop the spread of STIs and are good practice, especially if you're picking up random shags. Like lubes, you can get trial packs with all sorts of different kinds of condoms in, find what works for you, both as a bottom and as a top, and stock up on them. Whatever you do be sensible about it, and respectful of others.
Time Frames::
A lot of people when I started talking about writing this sent me messages saying they were interested because they'd like to bottom but always had problems. I firmly believe anyone can bottom with enough determination and patience. But how long it might take you varies from person to person. I've always been good at taking cock. But I know not everyone is. Some people have to work really fucking hard at it. No pun intended. You're almost definitely gonna need to take time playing with yourself before you move onto toys, or playing with others. If necessary just tease your hole with some lubed up fingers, not going in at all, just getting your hole comfortable with the sensation of something on it, over the course of an entire evening go from hardly touching to the amount of pressure you use to to push a tablet out of a blister pack. And I mean take the entire fucking evening to build up to that if you need to. Your body gets used to sensations, but different people get used to them at different rates. If you really struggle to take anything, it's gonna take you a while to get anything inside you, but if you keep trying, and keep practising, and easing your body into the sensations associated with it, you'll get there eventually.
Bottoming is a skill like any other in the world, if you want to get really good at it you have to practice. Regularly. As in 3 or more times a week. And if you are charcoal into diamond style tight that might even involve gritting through a bit of pain here and there. Not too much, please don't damage yourselves. But sometimes you have to push yourself through things in life if you really wanna try it and do it. If you're lucky you're born into the world as a natural bottom, just like some are born as natural tops, natural athletes, natural scholars, whatever it may be. Everyone else has to work at it, just like they have to work at most things in the world. Don't expect sex to be any different.
Advanced Bottoming:
There are so many places to go once you've learnt how to bottom well. That doesn't have to mean you bottom all the time, or even regularly, but knowing how to bottom and being capable of doing so when you want to is a trait practically every guy's gonna appreciate about you. I'm not gonna do how to guides here, just some comments on various areas.
Stretching
The anus is surprisingly elastic. If treated well, again by relaxing properly and with patience, you won't do it any damage, and given time to recover it will return to whatever sort of states your body considers normal. Getting fisted doesn't make you incontinent. Getting fisted to the elbow every night might very well do, but the occasional heavy play session isn't gonna do you any damage if done right. You may find after heavy sessions doing whatever you need to give your ass a day or two off following. Treat your ass well and it'll let you do practically anything to it.
Poppers
Some people called poppers, also called room odorizers, video head cleaner, all sorts of things. You inhale them people. They provide a slight high during inhalation and for a brief period after and they act as a muscle relaxant. They can help you to take a little bit more or supress the initial pain of penetration and they can be fun in their own right during sex. If you're not a confident bottom, I recommend trying the stuff in my post WITHOUT them first, once you're properly aware of what you're trying to do and how to go about it, then throw poppers into the mix if you want 'em
Analgesic Sprays
These are the lubes and sprays that slightly numb the skin around the ass. Like poppers they're designed to aid penetration for people who find it difficult. Frankly, I don't recommend them. Pain is your body telling you something's wrong, it's telling you you're doing damage, you're going too fast, stretching too much, and need to stop or slow down. Yes it's frustrating and it takes longer to work through the pain naturally, but personally I don't think you should be suppressing the body's natural reactions - they're there for a reason people
Size Issues and Training
I've written all this assuming you're using something vaguely appropriate to your ability to bottom in terms of size. Don't try and take too much, you can work up to it later. You can get dildos smaller than a little finger, and buttplugs that are only an inch in girth so even if you're really tight, don't lose hope. There is a toy for you. And they increase in size all the way up to full traffic cone sized door stops. The trick to taking more is again, more patience, more lube, start small, with what you can do, and over a long period of time, work onto slowly bigger things. As I said above, the anus is fairly elastic and can adjust itself pretty impressively, but it needs the chance to do so.
Positions
Like with the condoms and lube, try every position imaginable, try being on top, underneath, on your side, find a gay kama sutra online and try everything you can do in it. Different positions work differently for each person. You might find being on your back with your legs in the air incredibly painful, but taking it doggy style might have you moaning so loud the neighbours complain. I can't cum when I have a guy riding me (that's not to say I don't enjoy it). You get different sensations from all these different positions because they put pressure on each of your bodies in slightly different ways and tense different sets of muscles and mean whatever's going into you at slight different angles. Find the one that works for you.
Curved Cocks
On the subject of angles, some guys have really curved cocks, this can present a problem when being penetrated because it may mean your rectum is being pushed into your bladder, abdominal cavity, wherever as the guy thrusts into you and this can make it painful or simply uncomfortable. This is where different positions can really help. What way does the guy's cock curve? Think about what that's gonna be like when it's inside you, and adjust for the straightest and most comfortable fuck. That said, sometimes a guy with a really curved cock can hit the right spot in a way a guy with a straight cock can't hope to. A curved cock isn't a bad thing...
Depth Play
Deep Cleaning is really the trick here, but neither you nor the top should be too surprised if the end of whatever it is inside you does get covered in something. It's unfortunate and embarrassing, but it's an occupational hazard, even just from normal fucking with the best preparation. Sometimes it happens. Deal with it, move on. Be a fucking grown up.
Fisting
Cut your nails when fisting a guy, you don't wanna cause any bleeding by scratching something, however minor. It's incredibly uncomfortable for the bottom. If using gloves make sure your lube is compatible with them. Oil degrades latex. Most fisting lubes are oil based. Most gloves are latex based. Do the math. You can get water based fisting lubes, they're just not as common. Let the bottom control the pace, depth, etc. He's trusting you a hell of a lot when your fist is buried in his ass even if he only met you 10 minutes ago.
Double Penetration
Very possible, very fun. Same principles apply just twice over. Lots more lube. Lots more patience and trying. You might have to adjust to get the angles right. Easiest one is bottom riding one guy, other one comes up behind him.
Less Lube
Over time if you bottom regularly you'll probably find you need less lube as your body gets used to things. There's not really any huge advantage to using less lube, aside from maybe some cost savings and a little less mess to clear up. If in doubt, add extra lube. It's fun to just spit and shove, but most guys can't take that.
Body Awareness
Practically everything I've written in the more than 7000 words above should have given you the impression that basically it all comes down to being aware about your body. What it's doing, how it works, why it responds to certain things in certain ways, how to get desired responses out of it, how to train it into particular things and what you can expect from it. I have learnt over the years most people do not know their own bodies very well, especially when it comes to sex. And extra especially when it comes to anal sex. If you take the time to learn these things, everything becomes SO much easier.
Caveat
You don't have to do everything on this list. You may just wanna get fucked by your boyfriend occasionally rather than become some pnp fisting power bottom. I get a lot of questions from a lot of different people, so I've tried to cover all bases on some levels. The basic cleaning and penetration techniques are good knowledge for everyone, but as I've repeatedly stated throughout this post. Find what works for you, what you're comfortable with, and go with that. Not whatever other people, or me, or the internet, or whoever says. Go with what you like and you're interested in.
A Word for Bottoms:
It's fun, it's amazing, it's awesome, we love it. Don't wreck yourselves, don't hurt yourselves, and never ever forget you are in charge. No matter what. It becomes rape the second you withdraw consent, no matter how much "you were clearly gagging for it". If it hurts, if its not working for you, if something's wrong. Change it. Some of you like it to hurt a bit, some of you like to be used and not get that much pleasure out of it. That's fine, because in doing that it IS working for you. But whatever you do, make sure it's something you're happy and comfortable with. Your ass will thank you in the long run.
A Word for All of You:
Repost, retweet, reblog, share, educate. Let me know if you have any thoughts or comments on it. Let me know if you think I should talk about something I haven't. Let me know if you have something you think I could include. Credit me please. I spent my time and energy writing all this up, and I'm happy to share it, but at least credit where you actually got it from. Also feel free to read the rest of my blog, it's very self involved and totally crazy and not actually to do with sex at all, mostly. But people seem to enjoy it.
Friday, 25 June 2010
Something borrowed something blue something old something new york
Cash in wallet: $80
City blocks walked: Approx 150
Equivalent Mileage: 7-8
Money spent on rehydration: $30
New York is big. Much bigger than London. Being crammed into a tiny island, I kinda figured it'd be of a roughly comparable size, at least in terms of the tourist spots, but no, it's big. And of course I can't be arsed with metro trains, and buses and such. I walk everywwhere. As such, in the last 2 days I've walked about 150 city blocks. That's madness for anyone who knows america. No-one walks 10 blocks, let alone 150. This is why everyone in America has a car. To give you an idea, that's about 8 miles, and sure, 4 miles a day isn't that much, but add into that the heat, oh my god the heat, and the humidity; hydration is not possible here, its more a case of wetting your mouth with liquid and waiting the 10 seconds for it to evaporate. Isotones and Electrolytes do not begin to cover it. On the plus side, it means I'm drinking lots of good stuff, coconut water, fruit juices etc. Downside, it costs me a lot.
The neighbourhoods are a lot less distinct here, thoug I'll grant you I havent got to chinatown or little italy yet. But, certainly as a foreigner, it's hard to tell the difference walking between the different areas of the island, its not like the difference between camden, bond street, covent garden, and shoreditch, which is pretty damned obvious. and the area its spread out over is roughly comparable. Sure, as you go up by the side of central park, it gets more obvious that the people living in the Upper East Side on 5th Avenue clearly have money, but still...
Americans do know how to do their breakfasts, and no-one more so that New Yorkers, that's one of the few things I did have time to properly notice on my fleeting visit years ago. The hostel does breakfast. It does cereal and pancakes and waffles and fruit and toast and juice and.... There are 20 loaves of bread out at breakfast. Not to mention the wonderful deli's all over the city that offer one hell of a breakfast for $5-10. Breakfast is something I really love about America, and I really love it about New York. They go all out on them. Shockingly, despite being here for 3 days now, I have yet to eat any bacon. This will be rectified next week.
I went to the WTC site; it's interesting. You can't really see that much of it anymore, as its surrounded by construction fences and there's a big detour that sends you quite wide of the site, but its still obvious; a giant wound in the skyline of an area otherwise filled with towering skyscrapers. Only in Central Park do you get a similar amount of wide open sky above you. Nearly 10 years later, traffic marshalls still tightly control the flow of both vehicular and pedestrian traffic around the site; detours are still in place, and preset siren signals give warning of any demolitions work taking place. And it currently shows no signs of being finished anytime soon. That's a lot of devastation, and a lot of effort to keep business ongoing as usual around it. Interestingly, the buildings around the site, have all been seamlessly renewed, their marble, granite and glass fronts gleaming like any other skyscraper in the city.
I went to see Red last night. I'd seen it in London, at the Donmar warehouse. I've blogged about it before, it's about the life/work of Mark Rothko. I saw it in a 250 thrust theatre, and it transferred over to Broadway in a 800 pros arch setting. I went as a techie geek, to see difference in staging. The sense of a 'studio' is much greater, by virtue of having 3 walls to play with; the actors can move around a bit more; but the intensity of the play was reduced. Maybe this was just because I was all the way up in the gallery for the cheap seat, but in the Donmar production, you were so close you felt you were part of the studio, you were there as the arguments over life and art happened, and the ferocity of the play's signature scene, the priming of a canvas, was so raw and powerful it swept over you like a tidal wave, dragging anything attempting to resist it along its path by the sheer brute force of the emotion portrayed. And that disappeared in this. Don't get me wrong, it was still a great scene, and an outstanding play, it's won 6 tony's: best play, supporting actor, director, sound, lighting, and set design. One of the audience as I was leaving said "the best play i've seen in new york in years". But it was definitely lacking compared to what I saw in London. And yet still worth every cent.
The girls here are amazing. Lots of them are wearing this brilliant fashion, hats and long flowy dresses and shoes not designed for walking in. This must be the only place in the world where the fashion women are wearing actually looks like what was on the catwalk 9 months ago. It's stunning, both as a gay and a straight man. It's hard to understand why everyone else isn't turning their head and watching them walk past, but then they must be so used to it. Sex and the City has clearly left its mark here, and for the better.
Speaking of sex and the city, I went to the NY Public Library the other day. I saw, and stood, exactly where Carrie Bradshaw was dressed with a bird in her head in Vivienne Westwood couture. This wasn't hard to do, having watched it on the plane on the way over, so I remembered pretty good. Unfortunately the front of the library is all covered in scaffolding; it appears to be public works restoration year, it was the same all over Amsterdam when I went there. The inside of the library however is spectacular. I don't think the UK has anything that comes close, or certainly London doesn't. SUre there's the British Library, but thats all specialist pay-for-entry exhibitions, or you have to apply for reader access and then can only take a pad and a pencil in and nothing else and its fairly restrictive as an actual 'library'. Here, I walked in, as a foreigner, and a tourist, and I could go into the reading rooms, and call up any book to read; I could use the computers for internet; I could get wireless access for my laptop. All without a readers card, having just walked in off the street from anywhere in the world, and I could do it all in an absolutely beautiful setting. We need more libraries like this. Open access, inspiring, the sort of place that actively encourages you to learn just by being there.
I'm travelling alone, which has both its up and its downsides. I can do anything I want, I can go anywhere I please, I can um and aah and change my mind and get there however I want when I want. But I don't have someone to share things with, I don't have someone to enjoy the experiences with, I don't have someone to take pictures where I wouldnt. I'm quite a hard person to travel with, because I'm so damned relaxed about it. I'm here for 6 weeks and until yesterday I had no idea what I was doing beyond tomorrow. Other people like to at least know they have somewhere to stay before going to a city, they like to know how long they have, they like to not have $20 a week to live off, they like to not spend money they don't have, they like to rest, and take coffee breaks, not walk around in the pouring rain and the sweltering heat for hours on end like I do. And someone who wasn't like me on a trip like this would drive me insane. It's too much stress to allay their worries and concerns all the time, to deal with their stress over where we're going to sleep the next night. I like travelling alone, and all the freedoms that entails, but sometimes it would be nice if there was someone equally as crazy as me to come with me.
New Orleans and Boston plans have largely been axed, due to a lack of money, which at least means I'm not visiting EVERYWHERE chris wants to go without him. Heading up north tomorrow; hopefully at House Of Blues in Boston tomorrow night if I'm lucky. Then the cape for 4th July. Down to DC to stay with my friend Sean, then I think I'm gonna head over to west coast for a few weeks in California, my home away from home. As for today, I gotta cram all my tourism into today as I thought I'd have tomorrow as well but no longer due to needing to head up North. This probably means I can't go to the anamanaguchi gig tonight :( But instead I shall go to the museums today. I haven't been to the statue of liberty as yet; I shall do that on my return trip in august.
Love and kisses, sorry for the long rather disjointed selection of things to write about, but at least it's keeping you up to date with that's going on with me
City blocks walked: Approx 150
Equivalent Mileage: 7-8
Money spent on rehydration: $30
New York is big. Much bigger than London. Being crammed into a tiny island, I kinda figured it'd be of a roughly comparable size, at least in terms of the tourist spots, but no, it's big. And of course I can't be arsed with metro trains, and buses and such. I walk everywwhere. As such, in the last 2 days I've walked about 150 city blocks. That's madness for anyone who knows america. No-one walks 10 blocks, let alone 150. This is why everyone in America has a car. To give you an idea, that's about 8 miles, and sure, 4 miles a day isn't that much, but add into that the heat, oh my god the heat, and the humidity; hydration is not possible here, its more a case of wetting your mouth with liquid and waiting the 10 seconds for it to evaporate. Isotones and Electrolytes do not begin to cover it. On the plus side, it means I'm drinking lots of good stuff, coconut water, fruit juices etc. Downside, it costs me a lot.
The neighbourhoods are a lot less distinct here, thoug I'll grant you I havent got to chinatown or little italy yet. But, certainly as a foreigner, it's hard to tell the difference walking between the different areas of the island, its not like the difference between camden, bond street, covent garden, and shoreditch, which is pretty damned obvious. and the area its spread out over is roughly comparable. Sure, as you go up by the side of central park, it gets more obvious that the people living in the Upper East Side on 5th Avenue clearly have money, but still...
Americans do know how to do their breakfasts, and no-one more so that New Yorkers, that's one of the few things I did have time to properly notice on my fleeting visit years ago. The hostel does breakfast. It does cereal and pancakes and waffles and fruit and toast and juice and.... There are 20 loaves of bread out at breakfast. Not to mention the wonderful deli's all over the city that offer one hell of a breakfast for $5-10. Breakfast is something I really love about America, and I really love it about New York. They go all out on them. Shockingly, despite being here for 3 days now, I have yet to eat any bacon. This will be rectified next week.
I went to the WTC site; it's interesting. You can't really see that much of it anymore, as its surrounded by construction fences and there's a big detour that sends you quite wide of the site, but its still obvious; a giant wound in the skyline of an area otherwise filled with towering skyscrapers. Only in Central Park do you get a similar amount of wide open sky above you. Nearly 10 years later, traffic marshalls still tightly control the flow of both vehicular and pedestrian traffic around the site; detours are still in place, and preset siren signals give warning of any demolitions work taking place. And it currently shows no signs of being finished anytime soon. That's a lot of devastation, and a lot of effort to keep business ongoing as usual around it. Interestingly, the buildings around the site, have all been seamlessly renewed, their marble, granite and glass fronts gleaming like any other skyscraper in the city.
I went to see Red last night. I'd seen it in London, at the Donmar warehouse. I've blogged about it before, it's about the life/work of Mark Rothko. I saw it in a 250 thrust theatre, and it transferred over to Broadway in a 800 pros arch setting. I went as a techie geek, to see difference in staging. The sense of a 'studio' is much greater, by virtue of having 3 walls to play with; the actors can move around a bit more; but the intensity of the play was reduced. Maybe this was just because I was all the way up in the gallery for the cheap seat, but in the Donmar production, you were so close you felt you were part of the studio, you were there as the arguments over life and art happened, and the ferocity of the play's signature scene, the priming of a canvas, was so raw and powerful it swept over you like a tidal wave, dragging anything attempting to resist it along its path by the sheer brute force of the emotion portrayed. And that disappeared in this. Don't get me wrong, it was still a great scene, and an outstanding play, it's won 6 tony's: best play, supporting actor, director, sound, lighting, and set design. One of the audience as I was leaving said "the best play i've seen in new york in years". But it was definitely lacking compared to what I saw in London. And yet still worth every cent.
The girls here are amazing. Lots of them are wearing this brilliant fashion, hats and long flowy dresses and shoes not designed for walking in. This must be the only place in the world where the fashion women are wearing actually looks like what was on the catwalk 9 months ago. It's stunning, both as a gay and a straight man. It's hard to understand why everyone else isn't turning their head and watching them walk past, but then they must be so used to it. Sex and the City has clearly left its mark here, and for the better.
Speaking of sex and the city, I went to the NY Public Library the other day. I saw, and stood, exactly where Carrie Bradshaw was dressed with a bird in her head in Vivienne Westwood couture. This wasn't hard to do, having watched it on the plane on the way over, so I remembered pretty good. Unfortunately the front of the library is all covered in scaffolding; it appears to be public works restoration year, it was the same all over Amsterdam when I went there. The inside of the library however is spectacular. I don't think the UK has anything that comes close, or certainly London doesn't. SUre there's the British Library, but thats all specialist pay-for-entry exhibitions, or you have to apply for reader access and then can only take a pad and a pencil in and nothing else and its fairly restrictive as an actual 'library'. Here, I walked in, as a foreigner, and a tourist, and I could go into the reading rooms, and call up any book to read; I could use the computers for internet; I could get wireless access for my laptop. All without a readers card, having just walked in off the street from anywhere in the world, and I could do it all in an absolutely beautiful setting. We need more libraries like this. Open access, inspiring, the sort of place that actively encourages you to learn just by being there.
I'm travelling alone, which has both its up and its downsides. I can do anything I want, I can go anywhere I please, I can um and aah and change my mind and get there however I want when I want. But I don't have someone to share things with, I don't have someone to enjoy the experiences with, I don't have someone to take pictures where I wouldnt. I'm quite a hard person to travel with, because I'm so damned relaxed about it. I'm here for 6 weeks and until yesterday I had no idea what I was doing beyond tomorrow. Other people like to at least know they have somewhere to stay before going to a city, they like to know how long they have, they like to not have $20 a week to live off, they like to not spend money they don't have, they like to rest, and take coffee breaks, not walk around in the pouring rain and the sweltering heat for hours on end like I do. And someone who wasn't like me on a trip like this would drive me insane. It's too much stress to allay their worries and concerns all the time, to deal with their stress over where we're going to sleep the next night. I like travelling alone, and all the freedoms that entails, but sometimes it would be nice if there was someone equally as crazy as me to come with me.
New Orleans and Boston plans have largely been axed, due to a lack of money, which at least means I'm not visiting EVERYWHERE chris wants to go without him. Heading up north tomorrow; hopefully at House Of Blues in Boston tomorrow night if I'm lucky. Then the cape for 4th July. Down to DC to stay with my friend Sean, then I think I'm gonna head over to west coast for a few weeks in California, my home away from home. As for today, I gotta cram all my tourism into today as I thought I'd have tomorrow as well but no longer due to needing to head up North. This probably means I can't go to the anamanaguchi gig tonight :( But instead I shall go to the museums today. I haven't been to the statue of liberty as yet; I shall do that on my return trip in august.
Love and kisses, sorry for the long rather disjointed selection of things to write about, but at least it's keeping you up to date with that's going on with me
Monday, 10 May 2010
Ce bel amor qui ne peut mourir...
I miss you so much. It hurts. Like hell. Every single day. I know you're busy, and out of sight is out of mind, and neither of us have had time or money and your life requires the whole of you. And that's fine, but I still miss you. I still love you. I still want to be with you even though I can't. I miss the feel of you. I miss your smile. I miss the way how you melt into me when I hol you. I miss the wonder and amazement in your eyes, at every little thing in the world. I miss the way nothing is the same around you. I miss the need to try and kill you, because if I don't you'll actually kill me. I miss being the strong one for a change. I hate the fact you're so close and yet so far. I hate you live in the middle of nowhere. I hate that I have virtually no way of contacting you, ever. I'm scared that you hate me. I'm scared you don't actually like me that much anymore. I'm scared I'll never be included in your life. I'm scared you'll be gone before I get to see you one more time. I wonder why it takes us so long to admit we love each other every time we meet. I wonder why we eventually do admit it each time. I wonder when I'll next see, of if I'll even have that option.. I love you. I miss you. I need you. I want you. Please be mine.
Ce bel amor qui ne peut mourir...
I miss you so much. It hurts. Like hell. Every single day. I know you're hurting right now, and me, and us, and all that is probably exactly what you don't need to deal with at this moment. And that's fine, but I still miss you. I still love you. I still want to be with you even though I can't. I miss the feel of you. I miss your smile. I miss the way you'd hold me. I miss the way you look at me, like I'm the one in a higher league. I miss your cocky, arrogant bullshit. I miss fighting with you. I miss you beating me. I hate the fact you're 4500 miles away. I hate the fact I can't just jump on a bus, or a train and come and see you. I hate the fact that will never change. I hate that loving you is just something that will always be in our heads. I hate that too see you even once more, the entire universe would have to shift for me. I'm scared that you'll fall out of love with me. I'm scared you'll forget about me. I'm scared I'll always have to sit on the sidelines and watch. I wonder why you love me. I wonder why you told me you loved me. I wonder when, if ever, I'll next get a chance to see you again. I love you. I miss you. I need you. I want you. Please be mine.
Wednesday, 6 January 2010
The Theory....
I've had this theory for a long time. That nobody's world is ever bigger than 5 people. 6 degrees of separation probably works off a similar idea. Your 5 people change throughout your life obviously, and sometimes even on a day to day basis, but these are the people closest to you, the ones you tell all your secrets, the ones who if they ever got together, would probably know everything there is to know about you, the ones who support you and keep you going.
When you're a child, your parents are two of them, as you grow up, it becomes friends from school, later your boss, or a partner of some sort might feature. Some of them will be there for a day, and then disappear off again for a few months, some are more or less permenant fixtures.
Currently my world consists of the boyfriend - Chris, a friend named Joel, one of his boys called Seany, another friend called Lisa, and my best and oldest friend called Jamie, who has his birthday sometime around now.
Think of a friend you know really well, you can apply it to them, it might not be the people they talk to or see most, hell I haven't seen Jme in ages, but there's usually not more than 5 of them. Even where couples are concerned, its usually the case that someone is closer with one than the other, because they knew them first, or because they have more in common.
As my 5 people change throughout the year, I'll try and let you know, you might find it interesting.
Music http://open.spotify.com/user/jorgamond/playlist/1MR6CjRCd1bceiiKCQWh5i
Mood: much the same as before, with a bit of depression mixed in.
When you're a child, your parents are two of them, as you grow up, it becomes friends from school, later your boss, or a partner of some sort might feature. Some of them will be there for a day, and then disappear off again for a few months, some are more or less permenant fixtures.
Currently my world consists of the boyfriend - Chris, a friend named Joel, one of his boys called Seany, another friend called Lisa, and my best and oldest friend called Jamie, who has his birthday sometime around now.
Think of a friend you know really well, you can apply it to them, it might not be the people they talk to or see most, hell I haven't seen Jme in ages, but there's usually not more than 5 of them. Even where couples are concerned, its usually the case that someone is closer with one than the other, because they knew them first, or because they have more in common.
As my 5 people change throughout the year, I'll try and let you know, you might find it interesting.
Music http://open.spotify.com/user/jorgamond/playlist/1MR6CjRCd1bceiiKCQWh5i
Mood: much the same as before, with a bit of depression mixed in.
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