Today has been a day of amazing friends.
Firstly, I'm with Terence, which is automatically awesome.
Secondly, I rang Joel and got to speak to him which is great cause I was missing him; we've been talking on msn and we have the linkyness and shit, but this is probably gonna be the longest we've ever not seen each other for since we properly met.
Thirdly, my friend Ryan, AKA Vampy, did something outstanding for me. I'd spoken to him the other day and he asked how I was doing and I mentioned I was broke as hell. Today, £200 appeared in my account from him. That the boy sent from Australia. Now granted, I'd helped him out when he'd been in the UK and broke and falling apart, but it was still an amazing thing to do from an entire world away.
Fourthly, Topher, a guy I met at the house I was staying at on the Cape last weekend, put me in contact with someone in NYC, who *might* at some point in the random future, be able to point me in the direction of some teching jobs in the city. It's always been part of my big evil world takeover plan to move to the US permenantly (Chris knows this, he just hasn't accepted it yet :P), and even if this just leads to random festival jobs or whatever, its a foot in the door and one step on my way towards getting there. Yes yes, i know if anything serious ever happened there would be big discussions to happen, with Chris first and foremost, as despite all my wants and intentions and plans to move out of the UK that I've had since I can remember, I genuinely doubt I'd ever get Chris on board with them, but a boy can dream whilst he's still just dealing with the possbility of more to come...
Chris and I are somewhat talking again; the boy got a 2.1 he found out today so he can now stop worrying about how shit he did/didn't do in his exams :P But I still have the feeling there's worse conversations to come at some point. Yes yes I bring it on mysellf and all that, but do you know how sucky it is to live with the knowledge that if your relationship doesn't work out, it WILL have been ultimately your fault? If only Chris was on meds or something so at least there was the 0.00001% possibility he'd stop taking them and go psycho on my ass one day I'd feel better, but no, if it should ever fuck up, its down to me, pure and simple. Man that makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside.
I've booked the bus down to DC to visit my friend Sean. I'm currently trying to work out where to spend 2 weeks after that, I'd like to go to CA, Canada is a possibility as I have a shag/friend that will put me up in Toronto, and JetBlue are offering $100 tickets to the Bahamas, which is rather tempting really. We shall see...
Wednesday, 7 July 2010
Crappy assed vampires
So Twilight is like the suckiest movie series ever. Really. It's like the Young Adult version of a Mills & Boon novel where one of the boys in the love triangle was born with some form of medical defect that gives him sharp pointy teeth and a permanent need for fashion contact lenses.
For those, like me, who previously cared not one iota for this lameass attempt at a novel/film/career concept, the 3rd instalment of it was released this past week. Terence made me watch the first two last week and they were dull as hell. And then as its $6 movie tuesday in the US, we went to see the new one tonight. For some reason the ex was invited along, which meant no getting to enjoy being in a movie theatre with Terence at the least, god dammit. Who in the hell's crappy idea was that?! Also, apparently my spellchecker does not have the word 'movie' in it, huh?!
Eclipse managed to do something I didn't think was possible - it was suckier than the 2 previous ones COMBINED. Seriously. I mean this is supposed to be the big vamps vs. weres film, where things actually happen finally, and everything starts to come together and the boys fight it out over the unattractive prepubescent 'i'm so hardcore' girl's heart and such, and what it actually was, was 2 hours of filler, of back aand forth, and warning glaredowns and awkward shy 'i know that you know that i love that you love that you know that i know that you love that i love you' for a 5 minute fight scene which was pretty much one sided and boring aside from a few bits of head wrenching. There were some entertaining lines of dialogue, mostly the ones that pretty much broke the 4th wall concept. And the bride vampire and dakota fanning 'i am the evil bitch from hell who will hunt you to your death across the 4 corners of the globe and then kill your family in front of you just for shits and giggles' were AMAZING and i want to be them. But that aside, it was COMPLETE BULLSHIT.
Unfortunately, I've now seen 3 twilight films, and there's 4 books. Which means at some point, I am going to have to go see the next film to find out exactly what happens, even though I know it'll be 2.5 hours of my life that I will never get back and can't even trade in for store credit after death. This probably means I will be dragging Chris, by virtue of playing the boyfriend card. Sorry in advance. It's either that, or I'll have to come out to the US again and see Terence to go see the film. And I think we know which is the lesser of the two evils there.
Its stupidly hot here, even LA is like 25F cooler for some reason. As a result Terence has decided to drag the mattress into the ex's room as it has air conditioning. WHAT. THE. FUCK. Can you say awkward/inappropriate/holyfuckingmotherofgodwhatareyouon? Seriously dude, NOT cool.
Anyway, I feel sleepy, so I'm going to curl up in bed whilst Terence plays WoW, and try to make it not look like what it is, let alone more than...
For those, like me, who previously cared not one iota for this lameass attempt at a novel/film/career concept, the 3rd instalment of it was released this past week. Terence made me watch the first two last week and they were dull as hell. And then as its $6 movie tuesday in the US, we went to see the new one tonight. For some reason the ex was invited along, which meant no getting to enjoy being in a movie theatre with Terence at the least, god dammit. Who in the hell's crappy idea was that?! Also, apparently my spellchecker does not have the word 'movie' in it, huh?!
Eclipse managed to do something I didn't think was possible - it was suckier than the 2 previous ones COMBINED. Seriously. I mean this is supposed to be the big vamps vs. weres film, where things actually happen finally, and everything starts to come together and the boys fight it out over the unattractive prepubescent 'i'm so hardcore' girl's heart and such, and what it actually was, was 2 hours of filler, of back aand forth, and warning glaredowns and awkward shy 'i know that you know that i love that you love that you know that i know that you love that i love you' for a 5 minute fight scene which was pretty much one sided and boring aside from a few bits of head wrenching. There were some entertaining lines of dialogue, mostly the ones that pretty much broke the 4th wall concept. And the bride vampire and dakota fanning 'i am the evil bitch from hell who will hunt you to your death across the 4 corners of the globe and then kill your family in front of you just for shits and giggles' were AMAZING and i want to be them. But that aside, it was COMPLETE BULLSHIT.
Unfortunately, I've now seen 3 twilight films, and there's 4 books. Which means at some point, I am going to have to go see the next film to find out exactly what happens, even though I know it'll be 2.5 hours of my life that I will never get back and can't even trade in for store credit after death. This probably means I will be dragging Chris, by virtue of playing the boyfriend card. Sorry in advance. It's either that, or I'll have to come out to the US again and see Terence to go see the film. And I think we know which is the lesser of the two evils there.
Its stupidly hot here, even LA is like 25F cooler for some reason. As a result Terence has decided to drag the mattress into the ex's room as it has air conditioning. WHAT. THE. FUCK. Can you say awkward/inappropriate/holyfuckingmotherofgodwhatareyouon? Seriously dude, NOT cool.
Anyway, I feel sleepy, so I'm going to curl up in bed whilst Terence plays WoW, and try to make it not look like what it is, let alone more than...
Sunday, 4 July 2010
The Sound of North America
Welcome to New England. I've flown 4000 miles and have found myself in Willington, Bedford, and Swansea. 'Cause Americans think Swansea is in England.
I'm currently on Cape Cod staying with friends for 4th July weekend. For those of you living under a rock somewhere this is one of the biggest holiday weekends in the US. The last 24 hours have involved a 5 gallon tub of sex on the beach, 3lbs of bacon, mean girls at 4am and of course fireworks. Including one pyromaniac who decided it would be a brilliant idea to throw a whole rack of firecrackers into a firepit surrounded by people sitting 2ft away from it. I went to get a drink when he grabbed the second pack; it was either that or hit him. In this country when you start a fight you get arrested. People here don't have the british politeness and formality to not involve themselves in a dispute that is nothing to do with them and the one who throws the first or the hardest punches is generally considered the cunt, no matter how much of an arsehole the other one was being. So in order to avoid a premature compulsory return to the UK, I elected to remove myself from the situation. At least all the people I'm with at the moment have learnt quickly that I might be small, but I'm not the one in the room you want to irritate. The big shining 2-tone bruise of Terence's arm from where I bit him whilst just playfighting in a club a week ago might have something to do with that.
We're all off to Provincetown tomorrow for 4th celebrations and the beach. Ptown is basically the gay capital of the north eastern seaboard. To give you an idea of just how idealistic summer vacation spot the cape is, Martha's Vineyard is just down the road. You're never more that 6 miles from the water. There are 500 miles of coastline here. Fire island is between here and New York. And I am basically staying exactly where the fictional town of Capeside, from the epic Dawson's Creek, is supposed to be. It's fucking picture perfect. I'd go crazy if I was here year round of course. But there are worse places to spend a holiday...
I'm getting more soppy. Mostly cause Terence is a complete romantic underneath it all, and keeps telling me stories of things that have happened with his ex. Anniversary scavenger hunts, valentines meals, that sort of stuff. And Terence eats that shit up. And so do I; to a lesser extent, but as I said in the other post, I am definitely a romantic. The little things that I remember that mean so much are so random and inconsquential, but they're my favourite bits of the relationship. That first kiss. Yelling at Chris 'cause I wanted to buy him a chocolate bar and he felt bad about it. The picture on my facebook where he's separated my baked beans from my eggs and bacon using bread crusts cause I don't like the sauce contaminating everything. And it wasn't just that he did that. It's that he didn't roll his eyes, or laugh at me, whether it was an aww you're cute or awww you're hopeless laugh or whatever. He just approached it as a solution to a problem that was upsetting me, did it, and presented it to me with a smile. That's the little thing that made the difference. That made it cute. Just like I love that he'll get out the shower first, and grab me a towel, all whilst letting the least amount of warmth out of the cubicle first, because he knows how cold I get outside of the shower and that I need a towel or I develop near hypothermia. Like Terence managing to find a way to give me a hug and a kiss even when standing in a room of 20 people who can't find out what we mean to each other, just to let me know even though we're just some random friends who met each other for 2 days once as far as the world is concerned, he still cares for me. Little crappy romantic shit that costs virtually nothing really makes me smile.
My stomach is still being crappy, not seriously anymore, it's just giving me cramping pains every evening and night. Terence and I are having so much fun both being crappy medical life fails. His is worse is some ways, mine in others. At least he knows what his problem is, his will just kill him at a relatively early age. I don't think I have that problem at least, but 3 research hospitals couldn't work out what was wrong with me and no diet or course of meds ever had a consistent result. Fun times for all.
My tag is going down a hit though. Everyone's noticed it, and asked about it, and when told, found the concept all of incredibly kinky, incredibly hot, and incredibly adorable. Hehe.
Arguments with the boyfriend are occurring. For all the reasons you'd kind of expect. And I think both of us are sick of it, and both of us have no clue what's going to happen. Because again, referring to my previous post, this kind of state isn't sustainable. But at the same time, it's not like I can stop hurting for 2 other people. As far as I'm concerned, I pretty much know I'm going to fuck it all up. It's just a case of when, how bad, and in which direction(s). It doesn't help that I'm kind of pulling a Joel on this...
I'm currently on Cape Cod staying with friends for 4th July weekend. For those of you living under a rock somewhere this is one of the biggest holiday weekends in the US. The last 24 hours have involved a 5 gallon tub of sex on the beach, 3lbs of bacon, mean girls at 4am and of course fireworks. Including one pyromaniac who decided it would be a brilliant idea to throw a whole rack of firecrackers into a firepit surrounded by people sitting 2ft away from it. I went to get a drink when he grabbed the second pack; it was either that or hit him. In this country when you start a fight you get arrested. People here don't have the british politeness and formality to not involve themselves in a dispute that is nothing to do with them and the one who throws the first or the hardest punches is generally considered the cunt, no matter how much of an arsehole the other one was being. So in order to avoid a premature compulsory return to the UK, I elected to remove myself from the situation. At least all the people I'm with at the moment have learnt quickly that I might be small, but I'm not the one in the room you want to irritate. The big shining 2-tone bruise of Terence's arm from where I bit him whilst just playfighting in a club a week ago might have something to do with that.
We're all off to Provincetown tomorrow for 4th celebrations and the beach. Ptown is basically the gay capital of the north eastern seaboard. To give you an idea of just how idealistic summer vacation spot the cape is, Martha's Vineyard is just down the road. You're never more that 6 miles from the water. There are 500 miles of coastline here. Fire island is between here and New York. And I am basically staying exactly where the fictional town of Capeside, from the epic Dawson's Creek, is supposed to be. It's fucking picture perfect. I'd go crazy if I was here year round of course. But there are worse places to spend a holiday...
I'm getting more soppy. Mostly cause Terence is a complete romantic underneath it all, and keeps telling me stories of things that have happened with his ex. Anniversary scavenger hunts, valentines meals, that sort of stuff. And Terence eats that shit up. And so do I; to a lesser extent, but as I said in the other post, I am definitely a romantic. The little things that I remember that mean so much are so random and inconsquential, but they're my favourite bits of the relationship. That first kiss. Yelling at Chris 'cause I wanted to buy him a chocolate bar and he felt bad about it. The picture on my facebook where he's separated my baked beans from my eggs and bacon using bread crusts cause I don't like the sauce contaminating everything. And it wasn't just that he did that. It's that he didn't roll his eyes, or laugh at me, whether it was an aww you're cute or awww you're hopeless laugh or whatever. He just approached it as a solution to a problem that was upsetting me, did it, and presented it to me with a smile. That's the little thing that made the difference. That made it cute. Just like I love that he'll get out the shower first, and grab me a towel, all whilst letting the least amount of warmth out of the cubicle first, because he knows how cold I get outside of the shower and that I need a towel or I develop near hypothermia. Like Terence managing to find a way to give me a hug and a kiss even when standing in a room of 20 people who can't find out what we mean to each other, just to let me know even though we're just some random friends who met each other for 2 days once as far as the world is concerned, he still cares for me. Little crappy romantic shit that costs virtually nothing really makes me smile.
My stomach is still being crappy, not seriously anymore, it's just giving me cramping pains every evening and night. Terence and I are having so much fun both being crappy medical life fails. His is worse is some ways, mine in others. At least he knows what his problem is, his will just kill him at a relatively early age. I don't think I have that problem at least, but 3 research hospitals couldn't work out what was wrong with me and no diet or course of meds ever had a consistent result. Fun times for all.
My tag is going down a hit though. Everyone's noticed it, and asked about it, and when told, found the concept all of incredibly kinky, incredibly hot, and incredibly adorable. Hehe.
Arguments with the boyfriend are occurring. For all the reasons you'd kind of expect. And I think both of us are sick of it, and both of us have no clue what's going to happen. Because again, referring to my previous post, this kind of state isn't sustainable. But at the same time, it's not like I can stop hurting for 2 other people. As far as I'm concerned, I pretty much know I'm going to fuck it all up. It's just a case of when, how bad, and in which direction(s). It doesn't help that I'm kind of pulling a Joel on this...
Love is not a victory march
Is it getting better
Or do you feel the same
Will it make it easier on you now
You got someone to blame
You say...
One love
One life
When it's one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don't care for it
Did I disappoint you
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it's...
Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One...
Have you come here for forgiveness
Have you come to raise the dead
Have you come here to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head
Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it's all I got
We're one
But we're not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say
Love is a temple
Love is a higher law
Love is a temple
Love is a higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt
One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers
One life
But we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One...life
One
Or do you feel the same
Will it make it easier on you now
You got someone to blame
You say...
One love
One life
When it's one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don't care for it
Did I disappoint you
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it's...
Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One...
Have you come here for forgiveness
Have you come to raise the dead
Have you come here to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head
Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it's all I got
We're one
But we're not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say
Love is a temple
Love is a higher law
Love is a temple
Love is a higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt
One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers
One life
But we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One...life
One
U2 - One
Thursday, 1 July 2010
Where's a good hole in the ground when you need one?!
I'm annoyed and frustrated and depressed. I feel ill again. Not as ill as I did the other day, the cramping hasn't started yet, but I have everything else but that. Fuck you world. This probably means I'll be ill throughout 4th July weekend in Cape Cod with my friends. This means I'll spend 10 days with Terence, who has as big a sex drive and as twisted a mind as me, and have sex a whole 1 time. F. M. L.
I'm sure Chris has a slight sense of rightness with the universe and smugness at all this. And he probably deserves it. But right now, all I wanna do is come home, cut everything out of my life again, vanish from the world, and exist totally alone with nothing around me. I've gotta start being more of a pessimist again. Life was easier when I stopped hoping once in a while that things were improving and getting better, only to be knocked rather forcefully back down into place, and not in the way I'd enjoy either.
And now the dull pain in my stomach has extended to being a dull pain in my chest as well. If I'm lucky it's a heart attack.
Terence looks hot whilst he's sleeping though :) I just wish I was well enough to wake him up ;)
I'm sure Chris has a slight sense of rightness with the universe and smugness at all this. And he probably deserves it. But right now, all I wanna do is come home, cut everything out of my life again, vanish from the world, and exist totally alone with nothing around me. I've gotta start being more of a pessimist again. Life was easier when I stopped hoping once in a while that things were improving and getting better, only to be knocked rather forcefully back down into place, and not in the way I'd enjoy either.
And now the dull pain in my stomach has extended to being a dull pain in my chest as well. If I'm lucky it's a heart attack.
Terence looks hot whilst he's sleeping though :) I just wish I was well enough to wake him up ;)
Wednesday, 30 June 2010
Just to see you sets me off
Evelyn, Evelyn
why do we bother to stay?
why are you running away?
don't you feel like severing?
everything's just come together at last...
it's broken, I don't want to play!
we grew up,
closer than most...
closer than anything...
closer than anything...
shared our bed,
and wore the same clothes
talked about everything
spoke about so many things
what shall we wear tonight?
what shall we eat today?
can we go ice skating?
but we just did that yesterday...
should we be fireman?
can we be astronauts?
what if they find us?
they're not looking anyway...
Evelyn, Evelyn
why do we bother to stay?
why are you running away?
don't you feel like severing?
everything's just come together at last...
it's broken, I don't want to play!
fill my glass!
let's drink a toast!
this is our birthday...
so, why are we weeping?
at your side, I feel like a ghost...
I wake up first and I stare at you sleeping...
what shall we wear tonight?
what shall we eat today?
do you think I should marry him?
but we just met him yesterday...
should we be movie stars?
will we be millionaires?
I want to be famous!
they're watching us anyway...
Evelyn, Evelyn
why do we bother to stay?
why are you running away?
don't you feel like severing?
everything's just come together at last...
it's broken, I don't want to play!
we grew up,
so very close...
a parasite little host...
I'm only trying to do what is best for us!
well, I never asked for this! I never wanted this!
all that I want is some time to myself!
looking in your eyes, I'm coming home...
just get away from me!
please just stop touching me!
you're always trying to be somebody else!
now I realize I'm not alone...
well, you're only scared of me!
but you never cared for me!
why don't you let me breathe?
cause you never dare to be!
cause you never listen, and you're always insisting on just reminiscing I feel something missing!
I just want my privacy... why can't you leave me alone?
why do we bother to stay?
why are you running away?
don't you feel like severing?
everything's just come together at last...
it's broken, I don't want to play!
we grew up,
closer than most...
closer than anything...
closer than anything...
shared our bed,
and wore the same clothes
talked about everything
spoke about so many things
what shall we wear tonight?
what shall we eat today?
can we go ice skating?
but we just did that yesterday...
should we be fireman?
can we be astronauts?
what if they find us?
they're not looking anyway...
Evelyn, Evelyn
why do we bother to stay?
why are you running away?
don't you feel like severing?
everything's just come together at last...
it's broken, I don't want to play!
fill my glass!
let's drink a toast!
this is our birthday...
so, why are we weeping?
at your side, I feel like a ghost...
I wake up first and I stare at you sleeping...
what shall we wear tonight?
what shall we eat today?
do you think I should marry him?
but we just met him yesterday...
should we be movie stars?
will we be millionaires?
I want to be famous!
they're watching us anyway...
Evelyn, Evelyn
why do we bother to stay?
why are you running away?
don't you feel like severing?
everything's just come together at last...
it's broken, I don't want to play!
we grew up,
so very close...
a parasite little host...
I'm only trying to do what is best for us!
well, I never asked for this! I never wanted this!
all that I want is some time to myself!
looking in your eyes, I'm coming home...
just get away from me!
please just stop touching me!
you're always trying to be somebody else!
now I realize I'm not alone...
well, you're only scared of me!
but you never cared for me!
why don't you let me breathe?
cause you never dare to be!
cause you never listen, and you're always insisting on just reminiscing I feel something missing!
I just want my privacy... why can't you leave me alone?
Evelyn Evelyn - Evelyn Evelyn
A Horse and Carriage is f*cking expensive
I dont really know how Chris puts up with this. I know I wouldn't. Which doesn't really help a lot of matters really cause that makes me feel shitty in a million and one ways. But as I say, I don't know why he puts up with this. Yes, it's cause he loves me, and this is the kind of thing that shows just how much he loves me. And I'm probably a lot more glad that he puts up with it than if he didn't. But I still don't understand it, and I still don't get why I would ever deserve it.
Despite all the badness being in a relationship can make you feel, and despite being in love with 2 guys, I do at least know one thing, which is that I want to marry Chris. Given the opportunity, a part of me might like to marry Jack or Chris, but that's not an option and so I don't really ever think about it. But what I mean is that when I think about getting married to Chris, everyone asks when the date is, and I go over in my head about how many people we can afford to invite and what kind of venue would be nice and how on earth we'll ever pay for this and such. And whilst I'd love the big wedding in the beautiful venue, and my mother, having not been able to go to her other son's wedding for reasons of family complexity, would kill me if I ever did anything but, the entierty of me would very happily walk down to the registry office tomorrow, pay my £75 or whatever it is, and be married to him, just like that, with no-one else there, just me and him, and no expensive honeymoon or tuxedo or presents or speeches. I'd do it just to be his boy. in jeans and a tshirt. with my scruffy falling apart shoes and hair that refuses to style and frayed denim on my jeans and av-oil stains down my tshirt. And that's something that to me says, that with all the shit that goes through my head, and that I put him through, and all the times I wish my life were different, I do love him, and I do want to get married to him.
Despite all the badness being in a relationship can make you feel, and despite being in love with 2 guys, I do at least know one thing, which is that I want to marry Chris. Given the opportunity, a part of me might like to marry Jack or Chris, but that's not an option and so I don't really ever think about it. But what I mean is that when I think about getting married to Chris, everyone asks when the date is, and I go over in my head about how many people we can afford to invite and what kind of venue would be nice and how on earth we'll ever pay for this and such. And whilst I'd love the big wedding in the beautiful venue, and my mother, having not been able to go to her other son's wedding for reasons of family complexity, would kill me if I ever did anything but, the entierty of me would very happily walk down to the registry office tomorrow, pay my £75 or whatever it is, and be married to him, just like that, with no-one else there, just me and him, and no expensive honeymoon or tuxedo or presents or speeches. I'd do it just to be his boy. in jeans and a tshirt. with my scruffy falling apart shoes and hair that refuses to style and frayed denim on my jeans and av-oil stains down my tshirt. And that's something that to me says, that with all the shit that goes through my head, and that I put him through, and all the times I wish my life were different, I do love him, and I do want to get married to him.
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