I dont really know how Chris puts up with this. I know I wouldn't. Which doesn't really help a lot of matters really cause that makes me feel shitty in a million and one ways. But as I say, I don't know why he puts up with this. Yes, it's cause he loves me, and this is the kind of thing that shows just how much he loves me. And I'm probably a lot more glad that he puts up with it than if he didn't. But I still don't understand it, and I still don't get why I would ever deserve it.
Despite all the badness being in a relationship can make you feel, and despite being in love with 2 guys, I do at least know one thing, which is that I want to marry Chris. Given the opportunity, a part of me might like to marry Jack or Chris, but that's not an option and so I don't really ever think about it. But what I mean is that when I think about getting married to Chris, everyone asks when the date is, and I go over in my head about how many people we can afford to invite and what kind of venue would be nice and how on earth we'll ever pay for this and such. And whilst I'd love the big wedding in the beautiful venue, and my mother, having not been able to go to her other son's wedding for reasons of family complexity, would kill me if I ever did anything but, the entierty of me would very happily walk down to the registry office tomorrow, pay my £75 or whatever it is, and be married to him, just like that, with no-one else there, just me and him, and no expensive honeymoon or tuxedo or presents or speeches. I'd do it just to be his boy. in jeans and a tshirt. with my scruffy falling apart shoes and hair that refuses to style and frayed denim on my jeans and av-oil stains down my tshirt. And that's something that to me says, that with all the shit that goes through my head, and that I put him through, and all the times I wish my life were different, I do love him, and I do want to get married to him.
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